Hi
My husband has a secret supply of cialis tablets and I notice that every now and then one or half a tablet is used. However, we rarely engage in any form of intimacy. We have had several months as a LDR, but are now together again. I think he is either too embarrased to say he takes cialis and takes a tablet on the offchance there may be some action between us and he is prepared for action, or he is getting his action elsewhere. I imagined that by being together after a period of separation and the LDR thing there would have been a mini honeymoon, but there is nothing, hardly even a cuddle or other signs of affection. When I returned after having been overseas (LDR) we agreed that whatever happened in the past would remain in the past, but will not occur now which i thought/hoped included any side relationships he may have had while I was away. I have discussed the possibility of ongoing or continuing relationships as a reason for this concerning lack of intimacy from him, but he says there are no other women. So why the no sex, why the cialis?? I have not discussed with him the cialis, because I don't want to let him know I am aware of it and his using it, and I also don't want to embarass him. I have tried to talk about the issue, but feel like it doesn't get resolved. I hate living in such a sterile, no sex/intimate environment. What thoughts, or suggestions please?
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selda
13 yrs ago
how old are you and your husband?
Were you more intimate before the LDR?
I don't think a man would be taking Cialis if he is not sure he will have sex.
If you initiate sex, what is his reaction?
Maybe you can try and if he is not responding, suggest Cialis with a knowing smile. If he looks embarrassed, then you know that he knows that you know!
Good luck.
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Hi selda
Thanks for your reply. My husband & I have grown up children and have been married a long time. Before we had the time apart we were more intimate, not constantly, but ok. Since I have been back, it is me who had initiated the contact, and he has responded slowly, but at least did respond, about 3 times only in 14 weeks. After I had broached the subject of the lack of sex and/or intimacy, he has said he is aware the situation is not ideal but always has a reason...he's not feeling well, I was asleep, he was too tired. Even a cuddle would be nice or just physical contact. It is like living with a cousin or other relative. He does work long hours, so I understand about his perhaps being tired, but when he does work late and also will go in to work at weekends, I can't help but think it is not really work that he is doing. Add the cialis taking into the mix and I really think he has an unfinished relationship in the background. I do everything around the house so he doesn't have to worry about clean clothes, clean house etc and I am very careful with money, as I no longer am earning and I respect his hardwork to have earned his income. I am trying to be a loving and caring wife but I feel so neglected, lonely and ignored. That is one reason why I haven't brought up the Cialis topic with him as I don't want to shame him...he has enough work stress without that adding to his woes. We generally get on pretty well when we are together relaxing, but as i said, it is more like a relationship with a blood relative than a life partner.
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Thanks malka,
Agree about a medical condition. He is on various meds for other things, so it is a strong possibility that is affecting his libido. But I keep (with the other meds and medical condition) going back to why is he taking and has cialis in his possession . He doesn't seem to give any thought or consideration to my needs. I have spoken about my feelings of loneliness, physical needs and the need to feel loved and wanted, but there are no changes or the appearance of his attempting to change things to address my disappointment and sadness. I bring the subject up from time to time but don't want to earn the 'nag' label. I feel so sad when I see couples genuinely together, looking happy and loving. Maybe the time spent apart was too long and we are both too old to change (mid 50s). I guess my question should be, Do I just give up and accept it or give up and return to my home country? Thanks everyone.
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Thanks malka,
Agree about a medical condition. He is on various meds for other things, so it is a strong possibility that is affecting his libido. But I keep (with the other meds and medical condition) going back to why is he taking and has cialis in his possession . He doesn't seem to give any thought or consideration to my needs. I have spoken about my feelings of loneliness, physical needs and the need to feel loved and wanted, but there are no changes or the appearance of his attempting to change things to address my disappointment and sadness. I bring the subject up from time to time but don't want to earn the 'nag' label. I feel so sad when I see couples genuinely together, looking happy and loving. Maybe the time spent apart was too long and we are both too old to change (mid 50s). I guess my question should be, Do I just give up and accept it or give up and return to my home country? Thanks everyone.
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actually remind us, why are you in this relationship at all?
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Hi cookie09,
good question. I am in it because we ( I hope it's a we) love each other, have a long history and don't just throw the towel in at any excuse. What prompted your response as I am unsure if it is just a wind-up or a genuinely concerned observation? Genuine observations from people are just what I'm seeking, as anyone will know that when you are in the middle of a problem obvious things are hard to spot, whereas an outsider can see things that I may not. Thanks if it is a genuine observation...it is one I have also asked myself....
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selda
13 yrs ago
working long hours, stress and medication could explain a low libido, but not the Cialis.
it's not an easy subject to talk about with him, but maybe you can explain to him as calmly as possible, without any accusation, that you miss sex and intimacy, and if he is suffering from a low libido, there are solutions, such as seeing a marriage and sex therapist and if the problem is physical rather than psychological, Viagra or Cialis can also be considered.
if neither of you needed sex (some couples are happy without) this wouldn't be an issue, but clearly his taking Cialis means that sex is on his mind. and you expressed your intention to resume your sex life after the LDR.
So, don't let it damage your relationship, bring it up and get to the bottom of it, even if it means discovering that he has another woman. Good luck!
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Thank you selda, very sound advice. I appreciate your thoughtful input.
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Is cailis different to Viagra? I'm only asking because maybe it has some other health benefit other than the sex related one?
I think you're very patient for not just confronting him when you found out about the cailis, I would have grabbed the bottle and gone straight to ask him about it.
Communication is very important in a relationship. If you want to know something, the best way to find out is to ask.
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selda
13 yrs ago
Low libido is quite common among men and women who have very demanding jobs, don't sleep enough and/or have been together for a long time. I am in my late 40s and often go two weeks without sex because were too tired at night. I would be very happy to spend the morning in bed, but he leaves home early. Weekends would be ideal, but we both do sport in the morning, and see friends in the afternoon and evening and if we had too many glasses of wine, we fall asleep straight away. I wish we could spend more time in bed, but it seems that it's a luxury my partner indulges in only when we are on holiday, or when the weather is too bad for outdoor activities.
HK crazy work culture doesn't help. i wonder how many marriages are affected by the long hours people spend in the office.
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Thanks TheNewMrsWong...patience yes. Perhaps that is why we have lasted 30+ years. Either that or a continued reflection of my stupidity. As I undrstand it Cialis & Viagra are similar but not identical. It appears cialis will after usual stimulii allow an erection if dysfunction is present, but won't magically make an erection appear. It is as selda remarked, used if someone has the intention or the possibility within a few hours to have sex.
Selda, thanks for sharing your experiences with life, helps to not feel so alone! Thank you.
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Sorry but probably seeing another woman. Don't get angry, vindicative or do anything rash, he still probably loves you - though he won't show it in the way you want. However, make sure your finances are okay and you have a roof over your head. This happens to loads of women so you are not alone. HK has a billion temptations for most guys. He may be taking Cialis for some other reason though unlikely. Most men behave badly if given the chance.
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Thanks LoydGMV, I agree that is the most likely reason. I have no idea of finances as I have been away from HK and am not party of his HK accounts. He pays for the rented HK apartment. I have asked to see credit card statements (have never seen one in all my time in HK) but they are never shown to me. My logical brain tells me there's a woman with $$ in her eyes (we are not loaded by any stretch of the imagination) and I was probably welcome back here as it protects any overseas assets (again not much) from a split up. Plus the added advantage of my continued behaviour that has allowed him to forget i exist except as an unpaid housemaid. May I add I have always worked and have never been demanding, and I have moved towns and countries often for his career. does anyone know what laws apply to foreigners in HK? I am only on a visitor visa, my husband is on a sponsored work visa, not PR. We have joint assets in another country, but not in our birth countries or HK. Sorry but I am now wallowing in self pity!
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Hi Wellingtonboots,
I would say - dont jump to conclusions about other women- as it only makes you fee insecure and unhappy - and honestly when one is suspicious or ticked off it shows in behaviour. You say he works late - but then thats pretty much how it is in HK - How about weekends - is he home? - I dont think any second woman would be happy with only weekday evenings.
why dont you both do some fun couple things on weekends?. Dont feel like the unpaid housemaid.....women all over the world take care of their own homes yet find time for themselves.
Make every day matter - Life is too short. Go out, Take care of yourself and make him take notice - not treat you like part of the furniture.
About the sex - I know many happily married people for whom sex is not of utmost importance - despite what lots of people say ....
Try feeling positive and see whether you can right things.
Its been 30 years after all - you dont throw that away for nothing.
Wish you the best.
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"that is one reason why I haven't brought up the Cialis topic with him as I don't want to shame him..."
I think there is another reason though...don't you? Sometimes its easier to say you are trying to protect someone else when really you are trying to shield yourself too. Its like, deep down, it would hurt to "hear it from the horses mouth" so to speak.
That said, it could be he is taking the Cialis on the off chance you two get frisky, or he is taking it because he is getting frisky elsewhere. You never know. If your gut instinct is telling you one thing, think hard, has your gut instinct been wrong in the past? About anything. Did you try to ignore it only to find out you were right all along?
I would talk to him honestly about it. No point in pussyfooting around, you two have been married forever and well, if you can't talk about something simple and related to our natural bodily functions and help through bigpharma, well, now might be a good time to start.
As for you being on a visitor visa. If you are married, go apply with immigration for a dependent visa. Your husband having a work visa means you can stay here as his dependent, its just a matter of changing your visa status. I suggest you check on the ID website and get the relevant documents and head down there to get your IDcard. Its not hard. ( http://www.immd.gov.hk/ehtml/id998.htm )
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He is seeing someone else.
Also, in my view there are other issues in the relationship. If you guys don't chat about you sex life (ie him needing pills or if when your try to be intimate not running into and discussing him not being able to get an erection), I cant see you being that close emotionally or open about sexual needs or desires.
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Yes, you are entitled to a work visa if you are married. One course of action may be to remove one or two of his cialis pills. That way, he may notice and get the message without you having to bring it up. It's a bit risky, though, and it may fall through so think about possible consequences before acting on my suggestion. However, beforehand, make sure he hasn't borrowed against any of your joint assets. A quick trip to the bank should sort that out.
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Thanks Loyd, Malka, Justin & HK6279
I really appreciate your advice and thought. Rational thought is what I have been lacking and shying away from. We did spend some time talking and after a long chat he volunteered the pill taking. His reasons are plausible and we agreed that keeping secrets, for fear of embarrassment are a recipe for disaster. After the LDR, it is almost like getting to know the person again. Now it is in the open the whole intimacy issue can be fixed I'm sure. However, I will sort out the visa situation and finances. Thanks to all for sound advice and time taken to reply. My only other 'wise counsel' had been coming from my own mind and that is not very reliable! Hope everyone's week goes well. xxx
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May I put forward another possible explanation.
The first thing to note is that Cialis or Viagra will not give you an erection if you cannot get one by other means but it will help you to sustain an erection for a prolonged period. Maybe he does have some issues in that regard and sees the time when he really will no longer be able to get an erection as being not too far off and uses the Cialis to try to see if it helps.
You talk about stress, working hous etrc etc as contributing factors and you also talked aboyt intimacy 3 times in 14 weeks and the thread talks about a past on his side - maybe guilt also stops him from doing what you want him to.
As a man who has had a past I was lucky to get back together with my wife and by god it was hard for me to handle the guilt but my wife helped me get over my guilt - I am not sure she will ever get over the heartache - but my point is that I had the same or similar situation and I just could not face her intimately. In time and hard work from my wife we now enjoy regular intimacy.
We had another stretch when long hours, stress, etc etc did make it difficult for me and although she thought the worst I never did stray again. we tried Cialis and it did not help at all but after a ferw months all was back to normal.
There are many reasons and sometimes it is very difficult for a man to go through that time in life when things change but always keep the hope that there is some psychological answer rather than another partner.
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Don't wish to pry, but are you willing to share the plausible reasons?
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Thanks for your response Bastille..that is almost identical to our experience and I am glad for you your situation has improved and all is back to normal for you. I'm confident I will be able to say the same thing in a short time. Loyd, it's not prying as I was the one to bare my soul to start with :-)
His reasons were as flagged by an earlier post, his taking the tablets on the offchance there may be some action and also that we were, because of poor communication, misreading each others signals. I was reading his lack of desire for me as a rejection and proof he had a woman on the side, he was reading my sadness and sheer unhappiness as anger. We had another long talk and I flagged the possibility of a medical issue, then left it up to him to tell me more, which he did. His response was such that I believe what he has now told me and his embarrasment, shame at not wanting to admit he was having trouble with achieving an erection.. All the emotions any man would feel under the circumstances, but a nasty cycle and has highlighted that communication is paramount. I will help him, which will help me and I think it should be fun if nothing else, but I am not going to ignore any warning signs in the future that there may be other women. I can be naive and a bit too trusting, but trust is a good thing, naivety is not. Thanks all, and thanks again Bastille.
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This is great news! Now, don't slack off, get on the case and sort your Visa out, that should ensure you have peace of mind on that front. Good luck!
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I'm glad it'd all been sorted out for OP, but my question is, why don't people communicate in relationships?
When I get in a sulk with my husband, my friends always tell me to talk to him about it, but I already have! I find it hard to understand that people wouldn't assume id already done that?
When I was 19, my friend told me he'd seen my boyfriend of 2 years in a club kissing another girl. Now, that wasn't like him, he was very shy and not the type to pick up a girl in a club. Instead of going off the deep end I went to talk to him about it. He hadnt kissed anyone, and talking to him sorted out what my friend had actually seen, which was dancing. My friend later admitted that he was wrong and had exaggerated what he saw.
If I have a problem, the first thing I do is talk about it, why doesnt everyone do that? It solved lots of problems!!
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I guess its down to a fear of confrontation. Sometimes people think, "Oh, its nothing, I really shouldn't make a big deal out of it" or they worry that they might not get a good reaction back in case the other thinks they are being accused.
There are a lot of people out there that likely grew up in a not so peaceful household, like myself, where the parents weren't always getting along or there was an overly dominant or strict parent, walking on eggshells is what you learn. So its likely when someone from this environment grows up they are more likely to just bottle stuff up until one day they pop, or they just avoid all forms of confrontation until they become completely miserable and blame the other for all that is wrong in the relationship.
Yes, the right way to do things is to talk about it, but someone has to feel like they have an "in" to the conversation in the first place...basically, you gotto feel comfortable to be heard.
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Hi Justin C (PD)
You are so insightful, I agree with your post - not just in my case, but for people in general. Like anything in life, the things that SHOULD Be are never easy to do, easy to talk about, but the doing...well that is another thing entirely. Habits and patterns of behavior become second nature and they get harder and harder to see let alone deal with as time goes by.
Your posts are always helpful, non judgemental and thoughtful Justin and thanks again for taking the time to put some thought into my and others troubles. xxx
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JC(pd) I can accept what you're saying if I'm talking about my mates, I'd need to find an in to start a conversation there, but with your husband? This man has seen more of you than anyone would want to see and you can't talk to him? My husband is my best friend and I talk to him about everything, I even nag.
My mum was very confrontational and strict and all that, but that just taught me not to be like her and to find a more reasonable way of discussing something with my partner.
With my friends, I feel shy to bring up something that might be confrontational, I don't want to rock the boat, like you said... But with my husband... Husbands see their wives naked, what do wives have to feel nervous about there?
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Well, TNMW, it appears you might be one of the lucky few. Reality is that a lot of people fear rejection and they have an easier time telling their friends the truth than telling their partners something hard to stomach.
At least you rarely need to fear divorce or the cold shoulder in bed from your best mate.
I find its easier to talk to friends about which side is up, but within my more closer relationships, say with my partner or with my parents or siblings, I actually have to tread a little more...diplomatically...coz you don't know if they will take criticism or something sensitive...the right way.
I dunno, this is what I see with myself and with some folks I know...of course, communication happens one way or the other, its still better than those who go about like they have their heads in the sand. I think slow communication is still better than none. As I said, everyone needs to know they have an in.
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good to see something resolved happily !
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