Moving back home and the wasps nest!

We are soon to return to our home after living abroad for 17 years. We left when we were very young and are now going back in our 40's with 3 children. We are very excited to go back, except for one thing. FAMILY. Over the years we have had visitors etc. and of course there has been a bit of tension, over staying and some underlying jealousy (I think) of the great lives we all live here. Now that I am going back I can see that things may not be as hunky dory as I would like them to be. This is especially from my husbands family and his siblings. We have been home a couple of times this year and have had a lot of comments like, you have lived abroad and you cannot expect to have the same relationship with parents as they have, and such things like it's OK for you, you have lots of money (plus asking us for money). FYI these siblings are all professional people with decent jobs but have never got off the behind and travelled on holiday or worked abroad. They seem to be trying to marginalize us, but at the same time are all over my children like a rash because they have none of their own. That's another thing that is really annoying me. They do not want to know us, the adults, but are making plans for all the things they are going to do with my children and where they are going to take them when we go back! From my side, I expect no one to change anything they do on a day to day basis to accommodate or or welcome us back like the prodigal child. I am a very independent person and don't need anyones help or social network to get by on my day to day business. I don't expect anyone to change their plans or what they usually do for the holidays etc.


You may ask, why on earth are you going back? Well it is what we want, but this is actually putting us off a bit. However I do not see why I should be kept away from my own country or MY own family (incidentally it is not them causing the agro) because they are not being very nice. It's as if they don't want us to go back!


Any thoughts or similar experiences?

And look at it this way, if your kids enjoy spending time with their aunts and uncles, and if these plans for the kids do not take away from time with you, then by all means, let them plan stuff with the kids...after all, this is all in the best interests of the kids.


Sounds to me that you are simply getting anxious about going back. Oh sure you don't want a lot of pomp and circumstance, but you are expecting something or else you wouldn't be feeling this unsettled feeling of disappointment. You are anxious that you no longer know this place you are returning to, coz lets face it, its not "home" if you have spend 17 years here and all your kids are born here (I am assuming they are under 17 because, well, which aunt and uncle want to plan stuff for 18 year old neices and nephews!). This is home to your kids, HK is. You too, this is what you have known for the greater part of your adult life.


So maybe, subconsiously, you are a little irate that these family members now see you as taking a "step down" to their level and becoming a "local" and will soon view you as such and not as a highly paid "expat" living the champagne lifestyle. Who knows...have a good think about what is causing you to feel animosity to the point of you not wanting to have much to do with these people...is it because you feel you are better than them? *shrug* Its all worth thinking about.


Generally, people talk about a problem but the roots of the problem run deeper and further than the surface. You say you "want" to go back but then say that there are things about going back that you don't want. Well, maybe you don't want to go back and these things are just excuses for why, because you can't find a good enough excuse to insist on staying? Meh...I overthink. Good luck anyway. And yeah, if you don't want to have anything to do with them, don't...every relationship involves give and take, and the sooner you are honest with yourself and them, maybe the sooner you will be over the stress...

One more thing - the expat life IS very different. We moan about how when we go home the conversation kinda comes to a standstill because others don't know where to add their two cents when you talk about snorkeling in Palau or eating lobster in Sipadan. Well, guess what, they have all been living "normal" lives in the country or whatever...so give em a bit of slack. At some point you will, once you move back and settle down for years, speak of those glorious days like they were all you can hope to cling to. You too will become known as a "local". It will just take time.

I think you are getting overly worked up about it due to impending massive move. Just accept that it will be turn life upside down (again) and try to put comments into perspective of what is important.


I think it's great they want to fuss over kids. Let them. Kids may be the path to smoothing out any strained relationships.


Don't think of them changing their plans to accommodate you as a bad thing, it's flattering.


I moved from uk 7 years ago as a newly wed and we've had 2 children here in that time so I kind of know where your coming from. Families can be funny things. BUT it does go both ways. I know that I complain about my sister in uk not knowing how easy she has it with big house and garden, finishing work at 4pm everyday, whilst I step over helper vacuming ;p

simple really........just always keep in mind one little important thing


that, life is too short to bother with those who do not care about you


when you go abck and the "relatives" do try to "take the children" away from you, just put your foot down and tell them that


1. you need to first establish a routine for the children so they settle in pdq and don't think this move back is a vacation


2. any exploring or getting to know the place will be a family affair, meaning Dad, Mom, and kids are to experience it together (tell them it's a family thing which they won't understand)


in summary, take charge of your own life or if you can't, then don't complain