HELPLESS ME....

Hi everyone...


I am faced with a very difficult problem right now... I am a Filipina who used to work as a band vocalist in HK. I was a single mom that time so I had to leave my 2 lovely daughters in search for greener pasture, so I can support them and give them a bright future. I got married in HK in 2008, my husband is an American. I gave birth to our daughter who is now 4yrs old and was diagnosed with autism. My husband and I decided for me and our daughter to leave HK in July of 2011, so that my daughter can undergo therapy here in the Philippines as the cost is much lower compared to HK. It was a heartbreaking moment for us to do this. But we had to for our daughter's welfare. My husband would visit us 3-4times a year and stay for a week or 12days the most. Also, every month of January, our baby and I go back to HK to renew our dependant visas and take our daughter to her annual doctor appointments.


My husband's last visit was last week of April and stayed for 8days. I thought our marriage is surviving even if we are miles apart. BUT I WAS TOTALLY WRONG! HE TOLD ME 3WEEKS AGO THAT OUR MARRIAGE IS NO LONGER WORKING! AND WORST, HE WANTS TO DIVORCE ME! He sent me an email expressing how he is feeling sorry that he doesn't feel any love for me anymore, how painful is that... but what can I do if the man I have committed my life with no longer have romantic feelings for me? I respect his feelings but what about me? He said he tried to re-ignite his feelings for me in his last visit but it didn't work out. I told him me and our daughter will fly back to HK so we can work things out and try to save our marriage, but he said it's not gonna work. I admit I have faults also, sometimes I get so moody, maybe because sometimes I feel sorry for our daughter who is struggling with her condition, I get weak and frustrated but it doesn't mean I will leave my family so I can get away with the challenges we are faced with. My marriage matters a lot to me because I love my husband and I am committed to our family.

So, we talked about divorce. He sent me a proposal regarding monthly support. He said he will just support our daughter with her basic needs. So I told him, you need to help me financially till I get a job. I need to support my 2 other kids as well. He said I should get a job. He said he will not give me any money. How heartless is that! This created a spark on me, I realized I needed to fight for my right. So, I research a lot about HK FAMILY LAW. Everyday I would read the hk family law and understand it. I pointed out all the laws supporting my demands. And now we are on a battle regarding, custody and support and financial assets.

My husband didn't register our marriage to the US Consulate in HK, as well as our daughter's birth. I don't understand why he refused to do so. He told me that in his income tax returns, he declared he is single. Is he accountable for that? I wanted to just go to the US Consulate here in Phils or there in HK and register our child's birth but I don't have his passport coz obviously he doesn't want to do it. He said no one can force him to do that.

The GROUND he will use in the divorce petition is the 2yrs of living apart. Can he actually use that? When in fact he would visit us several times, and that me and our baby fly back to HK every January and we stay in our rented home with him?


I am so helpless, as I don't have any money to pay a matrimonial lawyer. I am educating myself by researching any reference I can find that will guide me in fighting for my right. Hope you will finish reading my story as it is too long! Thank you for your patience... Any advice from you guys will be sincerely appreciated...

Do not go to the route of dragging it in the court if you can avoid it, do not let your anger cloud your judgement. Court case can be long, painful and expensive. HK law is fair which is good and bad depend on your situation, be reasonable on your expectation. As he is willing to support his child's needs is a good start to work on, try to negotiate and work out a settlement.... However, do not expect him to support your 2 children from your previous marriage/relationship, they are not his responsibility. Good luck

Hi Malka, yes, he definitely wants to get rid of me... 3 reasons he mentioned : 1) he felt like he's been sacrificing, working selflessly to support our family - me, our daughter, my 2 other daughters, my mom and my sister. My mom is already 76yrs old but she still accepts some dressmaking work so she can, in her little way, help with some of the expenses. My sister acts as our helper because she helps me run the household, from cooking to cleaning the house, to taking care of my children. My biggest responsibility is to take care of our autistic daughter, and it burns me the whole day coz she really is a handful. Our daughter has irregular sleeping patterns, and she is mostly awake during the night. As a result, I developed poor eating habits that transformed me from size 8 to size 14, which leads now to the 2nd reason.

2) He doesn't have romantic feelings for me anymore because I gained weight! Now I realized that maybe one reason why he loved me was because I was then in a perfect figure. And now that I lost it, he lost his love for me too...

3) Our emotional relationship has slowly deteriorated. We often have misunderstanding because I don't agree to what he says and vice versa. He said we have become more and more incompatible. The thing is, he's 60yrs old and I am only 35, we both tried to meet halfway in making decisions, but we can't just pass a conversation without having to disagree with each other. BUT even so, there was no violent reactions or shouting, or screaming, or hitting each other in the last 6years. We disagree, but we always end up with a solution to our problems.


Before I met him, I was once the breadwinner in our family, earning 60-70k pesos a month, and in our country that is already a decent amount of money. I met my husband and a lot of things happened, to cut the story short, I had to choose, HIM or my JOB. I told him about it,and HE MADE A COMMITMENT TO ME THAT IF I CHOOSE HIM HE WOULD SUPPORT ME AND MY FAMILY. HE KNEW THEN THAT I WAS GOING TO CHOOSE MY JOB, SO HE MADE A PROMISE TO ME. I CHOSE HIM, as a result, I lost my job. Our 1st year living together was really tough, we were both unemployed for few months. He worked 2 different jobs until he found his current job,which relieved our financial stress. I wasn't able to find a job because I got pregnant after our wedding, plus I don't have working visa anymore. In 2010, I was given a chance to sing again, worked for 4 months, and in those months I shouldered the allowance of my 2 other kids, my mom and my sister. Plus I contributed 2000hkd a month for our house rent in HK. I had misunderstanding with my bandleader so he decided to replace me. Also I know that it was time for me to stop singing because my voice was kinda hoarse as days went by and most importantly, our daughter needs me badly, cos she wasn't making any milestones in her development.

Anyway, Malka, I wanna thank you for sparing your time reading a very long narration, and of course for giving me advice. And I agree with you. I will let the court decide on this. I have been spending sleepless nights searching the internet and this distress is eating me up already. This afternoon, I took my 3 girls for a walk just around here in our village and I saw 3 happy faces! I knew right then I am still lucky coz I have with me my 3 little angels...

Hi Amparo Kia, I appreciate your advice,thank you so much.


Yes, I realized I shouldn't create additional burden on my shoulders by dragging this to court. Those 3 happy faces I saw today was wake-up call for me...


Regarding his support for my two other daughters, I have found this:


Other factors to be noted in relation to step children


As said, a ‘child of the family’ can include a child who is not the natural child of one of the parties to the marriage. Nowadays, given the increasing rate of divorce, there are many children who are living with a step-parent.


In such cases, according to section 7 of the Matrimonial Proceedings and Property Ordinance , the Court is obliged to have regard of the following factors, among the circumstances of the case-:

whether that party (against whom the claim is being made) had assumed any responsibility for the child's maintenance and, if so, to the extent to which, and the basis upon which, that party assumed such responsibility and to the length of time for which that party discharged such responsibility;

whether in assuming and discharging such responsibility that party did so knowing that the child was not his or her own;

the liability of any other person to maintain the child.


I will do my best to find a job so I can support myself and my 2 other daughters, so he wouldn't have to shoulder their needs... As a matter of fact, last February, I applied at a call center company and luckily I was able to pass all the series of exams and interviews. I was offered job contract in that same day. I told my husband about it and he said I can't work yet. He said when he retires, then it will be my turn to work. I would have been a regular employee by now had he allowed me to go for it...

just a thought and i know it might break your heart, but i think you should also consider whether your autistic daughter is better off with you or him once you separate. support systems in other countries can be much better for such difficult situations

Hi OP, I am not a legal expert, but I am assuming your other 2 children did not live in your matrimonial home with your ex during your marriage, you need to spend some time/ways to prove to the court that he agreed to support your children and etc. and that you are now asking him to continue to do so. Anyway that is beside the topic, my advice would still be negotiation, meet half way in between, especially if your ex is 60 years old, he will soon, if not already retire, the court will take that into consideration that he has no more earning power and he himself needs money to survive. On the other hand you are only in your 30s and very much employable and is capable of earning. Like I said in HK, the law is equal and fair, it doesn’t always have to be the husband paying the wife rather is based on actual earning/income…, he still wishes to continue to support his child is a good start, I knew men who just disappear after the divorce and never bother with any support or communication with their children. Court may seem to you now like it is the only way you can get what you want, the truth is, it is not, the ruling may not be what you have expected and even if it is so, the party can still evade payment by citing insufficient fund and etc.


I know you are now at one of the most challenging moment of your life, I hope you find the strength and stay strong… all of these will pass…try not to think of the past and what ifs, I know it is hard but I am sure he based on his decision at that time on the interest of his family that you take full time care of your little girl..Good luck

To cookie09, I've already thought of different scenarios regarding our daughter's custody and support. Financially, I admit I won't be able to provide all our daughter's needs if I will be employed here in the Phils, while my husband can. But the question is, how can he take care of our daughter if he's working? I am certain that he won't pay a helper, he will spend more than what he is giving me right now (yes guys, my monthly allowance is only equivalent to 1700hkd EXCLUDING household expenses, and our daughter's needs). I use this money to buy my personal stuff, but most of the time I spend it in taking my 3 girls to have fun in the mall. I wonder if this is what he thinks I deserve as a compensation in taking good care of our special child, maybe that is how he looks at me, a nanny to our daughter! But I never complained as he said he is saving for our future, and I was totally in favor of that. Recently, in his proposed settlement, he said it will be a joint custody but the PRIMARY Custody will be that our daughter will live with me here in the Phils. So he obviously doesn't want to get involved in looking after our daughter. He knows he can't take care of her that's why he is taking himself off the responsibility of doing so...

steel_heart, I'm so sorry to hear your predicament. You sound very educated and I'm sure with your qualities, you won't have problems finding a good job in the Phillipines. The other alternative is, would you consider working abroad as a domestic helper if it pays more than working in the Phillipines and it would be more than the $1700 that he was giving you? That way you could support your whole family - your sister and mother could help take care of the three kids.


Sometimes I think it is better to have an out-of-court settlement and just come to an agreement that both can accept (meet half way). Fighting for it just makes you more upset (coz you've already spent lots of time researching) plus he is already 60 and like most have said, would probably retire soon. Better to just not expect anything from him and if he gives, it's a bonus. Instead, focus onhow you can support your kids. You are the key to their future. He may say he'll give financial support but somewhere down the line, he may change his mind or whatever. I wouldn't rely on men.

Amparo Kia, I managed to save all emails about our monthly budgets which specify allocation of the allowance ( school fee for my 2 girls, plus their regular monthly allowance). Plus his emails saying he is committed to US and OUR FAMILY... He is planning to work still till he turns 65, aiming for HK permanent residency (2 more years). It would have been an amicable agreement if he was considerate enough in his proposed settlement. I need to have at least enough money to start a business, in doing so I can still be with my 3 girls and not have to leave again and work abroad.


I've been through a lot of problems, but I can say this one is the hardest. So many why's, if and then's, but I realized these thoughts are not gonna help me in any way, they are not gonna bring back the happy marriage I once had... Marriage is not a guarantee of a happy ending...


Thank you so much for your words of encouragement..

Hi Aaliyah, if the need arise, I may go back to HK and work again as a band singer. I used to earn 10,000hkd basic salary, plus all the tips from our regular friends in the bar, my life was fine. Till this man came into my life, promised to support me and my family, I gave up my career, built a family with him, and now he wants to disappear just like that. The thought of him finding someone new, cheating on me ( he said he's not with anyone right now, but i really doubt it) makes me wanna make the divorce harder for him. I am fighting all negative thoughts as much as I can.

I am getting myself back in shape, lost 5kilos in just a month and 4inches off my waist. 5 more kilos and I will look fabulous again. At 35, I can still hit those notes! I just hope I can still find a place where I can sing again... where a better "stage" is waiting for me out there...


My sincere thanks for your thoughts...

He should not be obliged to support your daughters from previous relationships. Maybe he felt taken for a ride?

His obligation is with his daughter

What about coming back only your daughter and you and don't mention anymore his obligations to support your mother, your sister, your 2 daughters

He was a single man then he finds himself at 60 having to support 6 instead of 2

Hi FIFIB, thanks for the comment. Yes you are right, he said he's been working selflessly to support everyone. The monthly allowance he is sending is only 1/5 of his salary. We are just renting a house right now, a small one, the rent only equivalent to 1000hkd. I didn't demand moving to a bigger and nicer house because I know he will not agree. I TOLD HIM MANY TIMES I WILL GO BACK TO WORK SO I CAN HELP FINANCIALLY, that way I can cover the support for my 2 daughters, my sister and my mother. HE WOULDN'T LET ME. He said our daughter needs me and that us staying here in Phils is the best thing for her. Even when I applied a job last Feb of this year, he said "not this time." So what am I supposed to do? He doesn't want me to work but deep inside he is feeling bad that he has to support my 2 kids, my mom, and my sister. He knew from the start of the responsibility I have, and he willingly accepted it. I guess, he can't keep that commitment anymore...


When he told me our marriage is no longer working and that we got disconnected emotionally, I said me and our daughter will fly back to HK to be with him again and then we can work things out. He resisted and said it's not gonna rekindle his feelings for me anymore. He would not even try. So I am quite sure that there is someone new in his life right now, that is the reason, not money...

Go back to Hong Kong alone let someone a person you can trust for your daughter back to work. he likes it or not you do that is for you and your children not for him. Go back while you still have the chance to coem back here in HK. Work earn for yourself and children. Do not let your life be dictated by him. It's your life after your divorce then you are left alone for your children remember that.

Thanks elleine8838.


One option I thought about is for me and our daughter going back to HK. I will work and we can hire a part time helper to look after our daughter. Will propose a joint custody, that way he can still play an important role in our daughter's life as what he keeps telling me, will see if he really mean it.

I will not let him dictate or manipulate me anymore. He wants to be happy, and so do I....

Finding a job here in HK while you are not in the country is going to be very difficult. You could come here for a holiday and try your luck. You could pay your husband a surprise visit and see for yourself what he's been up to.


Another alternative is secure a job as a domestic helper here in HK and then while you are here, work part time as a singer. After the contract, you could then see if there's a job as a singer here for you. I think your goal is to bring as much income as you can to support your family. While domestic helper only gets HK$3920, it is a lot more than what he is giving you for staying home. From there, you could go the next step and explore other higher paying jobs. One step at a time. This is what I would do.

steel_heart13 I think there is no point in coming back to HK to try to patch things up with him, it may end up being expensive and fruitless for you. He seems to have made up his mind and moved on. If you do still love him, let him go and try not to aggravate him too much. He may come back after he has become bored with his current squeeze. However if you annoy the hell out of him, he never will.


Also try to see things from his perspective. He is old. Although he probably did make his promises to you to take care of your whole family ontop of you and both of your little daughter, he may have not expected you to take advantage of it. By that I mean, that you took him at his word....I love you and our little daughter, stay home and care for her and I will take care of everything/one else....whereas for him it was more of a notional thing to say out of love, but he didnt expect you to take it literally. I know myself I get very frustrated with my husband because long ago before we had children I told him that I loved looking after our home and him, so please chill out at home!!!! Never expecting him to be feet up in the air, surfing the net whilst I slaved away every day, all day. You can see how easily feelings of love can give way to feeling of frustration.


Moreover, whilst you've been in the Phillipines, you've not been in a proper marriage. There is no touch, no strolls around the park, shared meals, the physical side of a marriage. Well I can see from his perspective why he would feel fed up - so would I (I am a woman by the way). Your demands of money from him will further convinve him that that was what you were after all along even if it wasn't.


My two cents. Allow him to support your daughter but just start working and support the rest of your family. Perhaps your moter could help look after your kids and your sister works too? Keep the channels open so that your daughter will have a relationship with her dad later on. He doesnt sound like a bad guy but the baggage (huge family) you brought into the relationship ultimately overtaxed him and he now wants out. I'm not saying its right but I do understand where he is coming from as I do see your needs too. I just dont think that you will get much more going the formal routes.

Lagrue, I appreciate the advice.


Like him, I have made up my mind. After all the distress he has caused me, there is no way I would want to be with him again. I am his 5th marriage if I'm not mistaken! He's the kind of guy who thinks that he can just dump his wife everytime he's fed up or everytime he's not happy with the marriage.


Anyway, my demand right now is for him to do the Consular Report of Birth Abroad (CRBA) of our daughter. Our daughter is already 4yrs old but her birth hasn't been reported to the US Consulate. He not want to do it so that he gets all his US benefits to himself when he retires. How selfish is that! To protect himself even from his own daughter is not acceptable to me. So I told him, I will report our daughter's birth to the US Embassy here in Manila. That is my daughter's right as a child of a US National. That way I can demand also for child support as my daughter has disability.


He called me a blood sucking parasite when in fact 6yrs ago, I had to choose between him and a very rich British businessman. I chose him. I wasn't after the money. I lost my job also because of him. He should reflect what happened in the past before he judged me like that. If I was a parasite, I would have sucked every single penny I can get from him. I tried to look for a job so I can help him. But he said I can't because I need to take care of our daughter.


I will go back to HK to look for a job, NOT to reconcile or work things out with him. My love for him now totally gone. I can't wait till we both can file a divorce petition. But I will only join him in the petition if we both agree to a settlement.

Thank you so much beancurd.


I am just scared to death on what will happen to our daughter in the future. Her MRI in 2011 showed she has a small cyst in her right temporal lobe. At that time, it was benign but the doctor said there is a possibility that it will grow and can be cancerous. She may have to undergo brain surgery! FYI, our daughter has Neurofibromatosis but we are still lucky that it is only NF1 (NF2 is the severe one). But most of the children with NF1 undergo brain surgery, based on my researches and experiences of parents of kids with NF1. This is my greatest fear! Just the thought of my child undergo hardships in the future is killing me! And worse, my husband whom I drew strength from has abandoned us....


I already asked him to continue my dependant visa so I can work in HK, but as much as possible I want our daughter to be with me. I can't bear leaving her in Phils, she is so attached to me and I want to be able to take care of her no matter how busy and tired I may be. My husband just doesn't seem to understand my feelings. I am not even sure now if he really loves our daughter or he has also became unattached to her, just like he has gotten disconnected to me.


Friday last week, I received a cargo box containing my stuff and our daughter's that are left in our rented home. He sent them all to me. It did hit me. But I remained calm. Today, I got a letter from his lawyer, ordering me to stop harassing him. Again, I remained calm. Not that I am afraid, but I will wait to defend myself, and only if I have to. I am not as wise as he is, andI don't have the money to be able to fight against him and win. But someday, I will stand up and show him that the real victory in life is FACING OUR PROBLEMS, NOT ESCAPING THEM...

Can't Steel Heart find some legal advice somewhere?


It doesn't matter if she has no money... a lawyer may represent her because her husband's money would pay his fees?


Also, doesn't the husband have a responsibility to support his ex-wife/child. If it can be proven that the wife needs to look after the child's needs, then he should support his wife?


Good luck and stand up for yourself and your child!

Hi Slammy, thanks.


Today, he sent our monthly allowance, no word or whatsoever. Not even tell me he had sent the money. Maybe his lawyer told him to not communicate with me.


I am thankful for what he did, it takes off the pressure. But I am still waiting to hear from him, as I do need to go back to HK and find a job. Also, need to seek legal aid, just to get advice on how I should deal with this.

Thanks Malka.


Our daughter's case is being taken care at Duchess of Kent. Come January next year, she will again do her annual physical check-ups and again will undergo a full body MRI at Queen Mary. I am hoping and praying that no cysts will be found in her body and that the one seen in her brain is still benign...


I want me and my daughter to go back to HK but right now, my estranged husband has completely shut off himself from us. I keep sending him emails, telling him he can talk to our daughter through Skype, but no word from him. He is holding on to what his lawyer ordered me to do, that is, not to harass, disturb, or annoy him. As far as I know, I can still discuss with him regarding our daughter's welfare as we are still married and it is but right to talk about it.


I will wait for him to get back to me. I am open for mediation...