Hi All,
Found out my husband cheated on me becuz he got a STD. He claims he cheated only once last year Oct. I don't buy it. Anyways, I'm going through tons of tests to see if I caught any disease. He disgusts me. He hid the affair all these months and came clean just yesterday. I am attractive, fit, amazing in be, kind... Anyways once a cheater always a cheater right? Any thoughts?
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Std is curable. Tell him to wear condom next time. Talk to him to find out what he is missing and what makes him excite. At the end if u want to keep him, make sure he doesn't take a mistress and have a 2nd family with children. If u dont want to keep him, then get out now since u are still desirable.
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Thank you ritit. He just keeps saying it was just one night. Like that makes a difference. Cheating is cheating. Now I find him absolutely unattractive and don't know if I will ever forgive him.
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Marriage will evolve with time. I don't know at what stage u are now. If you are newly married, then cut off now because it's a bad start. If it's quite sometime and u have had good experience with him and specially if he has been supporting u then it's worth trying to keep the marriage. After a while ur sex drive will diminish and u will become more practical such as the financial and companionship which are more important. The husband will feel the same but sex drive will still be high. So basically, u want to ask urself if u still feel good being with him and for that u need to calm down first and let the anger go away. Each person is unique, some wife could accept, some couldn't.
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Rititt, thank you for the advice. We have only been married 3 years so yes, it is a horrible start. I will stay for a short time because of daughter. I know I want no physical contact with him which will lead to the demise of our marriage because he is horney all the time. He drinks on weekends, goes to bars while I sleep, then gets horney and who knows what... We will move back to States in afew months then I will get rid of him :-)
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At first I had sympathy for Ms Sunshine. Now I'm not so sure.
The statement "he is horney all the time" seems to indicate a difference in libido. The fact is, if the wife refuses the husband, in many cases he will find it somewhere else. Ladies, protect your marriage.
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You're best bet is to calm down - you're not the first to be cheated on. Also, think about the effect that any rash move could have on your daughter. Most men cheat not because they are looking for something, or because their wives aren't attractive, they cheat because that is what they are biologically designed to do. It's an inconvenient truth. Put them in a situation where they can cheat and get away with it - and most -- not all -- will do so. I would bet that no menace was involved on his part. Take a step back and look at other things before making a decision. Is he a good father, is he fun to be with, is he financially reliable and good company? Man sleeps with woman is not really a story in the scheme of things though it is undoubtedly very hurtful for you.
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This was posted by Gee Whizz on another thread. It's jokey but it does have a ring of truth to it. If you drop one guy and look for another, what guarantees do you have that he will be any better - if not worse? Also, ask yourself if you really want to go back into this dating game as a single mother?
hmm, this thread has been an interesting read so far :)
Now, let me summarize the issues mentioned so far and maybe we can allget a handle on why it is so hard (no pun intended) to find that "someone"
1. The nice men are ugly
2. The handsome men are'nt nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, and have money, think we are only after their money
7. The handsome men without money, are after our money.
8. The handsome men who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice, and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice, have some money, and are heterosexual, are too shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!
11) The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
And, last but not least, we both wonder why it is so hard to understand each other !
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sunshine, don't take a decision now, at least wait until you return to the USA. Once there, if you continue to feel disgusted with him, then divorce, it's quite common in the USA to live as a single mother and there will be many opportunities for you to start a new life since you are still young and attractive. in asia, sex for married men is plentiful and it's much more casual than in the USA.
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Thank you all for your time and input. I've spent the past few days with him trying to understand what went wrong. I never turn him down in bed, am an excellent lover, smart, caring, and funny. He said the night it happened we had an argument so he went to Wan Chai to drink alone. He got totally waste, met some Chinese chick, took her to a hotel room and banged her. My heart and head imploded! WTF??? He said if he was sober he never would have done it. It was just that one night and it will never happen again. I love him but find it hard to believe anything that comes out of his mouth. Is it true about being wasted and having impaired judgement? I don't drink so I don't know. Can a man cheat once and have such pain and remorse that it would never happen again? Thanks again for helping a confused girl with a broken heart.
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Ugh!! All these thoughts and visions are eating me alive! He also said he doesn't even remember what she looked like! True? False? Anyway, I am staying in a separate room from him.
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Either he is a sleazy guy or your marriage was already on the rocks. A real man does not need to run off to a bar to get drunk after he has an argument with his wife, unless his wife is truly just absolutely nuts. So its up to you to decide - are you completely nuts or is he just a sleazy guy? Also a guy does not simply go to Wan Chai for a drink, it'd be like saying he just wanted to drink in the redlight district.
Your mental image of what you think your husband is, is perhaps not the real guy that he actually is.
Many cultures tolerate extra-marital affairs, but you yourself need to decide if that is something you can live with.
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lucane is on to something: what dispute did you have that makes him go off for a drink?
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he is too drunk to even remember her face but can find his way to a hotel??!! Paid for the hotel and etc...
and how highly is the percentage that he got STD on just one/his first extra activities?? seriously?? a cheater and a bad liar...and why would he had unprotected sex with someone he just met?? how reckless is that!! you both are lucky, it is STD, not AIDS!!
It is painful when you realised the real person you are married to is not the same person who you think he is...but only you can decide if you wish to give it another try and forgive him...
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it's not a big deal, she's a hooker. more serious would be the situation described in the other thread, a mistress and love which ultimatly would kill your marriage, not a hooker.
i would look into the reason why he did what he did and try to solve it.
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stay calm and don't do things which would push him to go to wanchai again, it could become his refuge every time you argue or put him down or whatever reason i ignore, surely something must have happened. your suspicion could only make things worse, so keep inside you and stop nagging and blaming him.
this kind of sex with a hooker is very common for a married man and so it shouldn't be a reason to leave or divorce him. as i said earlier, she's a hooker, nothing more.
you should look into your actions which led him to seek refuge in a hooker and your disgust and wanting to leave him for such a minor incident could reflect your intolerable attitude and maybe that was the main reason for him to stray. maybe you should be more gentle and pay more attention to him.
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This is personal but could you let us know the STD. As a guy, I don't buy the got drunk story - I buy the "no, no - okay then" story. As for you being caring and good in bed etc, that counts for nothing when there is the chance of an imminent sh#g. Just basic biology I'm afraid - you could look like Claudia Schiffer and it wouldn't make the slighest bit of difference.
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Alcohol removes inhibitions, and impairs judgement ... it slows the brain... and his D*** took over.
Yes men do stupid things when they are drunk, and they regret them later. It's sad that it's damaged your marriage also.
If he says he cannot remember what she looks like, I believe it.
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Capt Dave. His D*** took over? The D*** has always been in charge - it has a veto over the brain and will continue to have one as long as the human race exists. I agree he probably can't remember exactly what she looked like - what I don't agree with was he didn't really know what he was doing because of the alcohol - ie that if he'd been sober he'd never have done it. Men tend to go for quantity, and women quality, for very sound Darwinian reasons. From this, there is no escaping. Most women are choosy about who they sleep with, men don't really care as long the woman is not clearly unattractive. This doesn't help much but I bet this is the way it was.
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LGMV -
I am assuming he's basicaly a good guy, and his sense of goodness supresses his hormonal urges to impregnate the entire female population. Then along comes the alcohol, the inhibitions are gone, and 'mr happy' is in control.
for the sake of their marriage, I hope I am right.
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Capt Dave. Yes, probably a regular guy - which means not good. Malka. Not necessarily low quality if he has a high sex drive. Look at Hugh Grant. Oxford educated, witty, good looking, wealthy, charming etc.
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Thank you all for dissecting the situation. I am with my daughter in the US. Left to clear my head and be by family. So he came clean 9months ago after cheating only because he was sure he had a std. He called and told me that all the tests came back clean and he didnt even have Chlymydia after all! God works in mysterious ways. My husband being having cheated was meant for me to know.
Anyhow, he is a sweet guy and loves our daughter very much. He promised that it was only that one time and it has been eating him up inside. I am having a very hard time trusting anything he says. He promises that he will cut the booze out and not go to bars anymore. When I keep thinking about him and this chick, I want to leave him. But I am also thinking we can move past this. I hate him.... Also, he was a regular family guy before we move to HK. Geeky, normal, average job. Since we moved to HK he slowly started drinking more and more, sneaks out at night, and f*#*ed some Chinese chick. Hard to believe I'm married to such a cheap, inconserate and easy man. Over some alcohol, he sells out his family, and himself. Totally disgusted.
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Ms Sunshine. Glad to hear you have given him a second chance. Really, you have just married a normal guy - not a saint. He probably didn't behave like that in the US because the opportunity was not in his face. In HK, it's the exact opposite. So many expat marriages have had this problem.
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sunshine, your only hope (if you want to keep him) is that he and you move to the USA where it is easier to have a family life. Asia is a paradise for men, specially for the western men, married or not. so as long as he is here, he won't stop, that's for sure, like breathing air. and if only you move to the USA then it would be over for your marriage.
western married couples, specially the younger ones, have difficulty to keep their marriage intact here because there is so much sexual temptation for men.
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Right, it's a very good advice not to come to Asia if you wanna keep your husband and your marriage. Here in this part of the world many ladies, incl. commi-chin, will do everything to bag a gweilo husband. Favorite is American, of course. Seems like there is a kind of race among the ladies to get a gweilo husband. There is even a training school how to bag a foreign guys in 90 days.
Read here:
SHANGHAI MARRIAGE COURSE TRAINS WOMEN TO BAG 'ELITE' FOREIGN GUYS IN JUST 90 DAYS
Like pornography, the industry of telling women what they’re doing wrong in relationships is recession-proof. Shanghai businesswoman Liang Yali has been peddling her Seek-A-Husband Training Programme around that city for years, promising hordes of eager women that she can teach them how to marry “elite” Western expats in just 90 days.
The short timeline advertised by the elite-expat marriage course is based on Liang’s own experiences with love. According to the South China Morning Post‘s Ernest Kao, a month and a half was just how long it took Liang to “to find the American husband of her dreams – you know, the ‘honest, considerate type’ who happens to be a general manager at some big multinational corporation. The two are now happily married.”
Having proved herself an expert at catching the right kind of man, Liang set out to share her knowledge with her sisters. She says she came to her calling for noble reasons; she wants to teach other women how to achieve her own type of happiness by finding and marrying the right sort of guy.
Part of the coursework involves training in how to “select appropriate targets.” Because one wouldn’t want to waste one’s time chatting up an expat just to find out he’s an English teacher or aspiring bartender. But Liang insists that she’s not actually running a course on how to catch a rich sugar daddy the way her critics say she is.
“If your purpose is to find a rich man, please do not sign up,” she said. “We are in the business of happiness.” But she continues to stress that her program teaches women to find “elite” men, because sometimes happiness comes with deep pockets.
She gave examples of success stories such as how a 35-year-old woman from northeastern China learned a bit of English and managed to find a husband who worked as a manager at a large German construction company.
Liang says her program is targeted at women over 35, specifically “leftover women,” which is sexist garbage, but there really are women who are afraid that after a certain age they become washed up and undesirable and who are willing to pay a lot of money to feel better about their romantic prospects. Liang says those women should choose her program, because she maintains that women of a certain age are more likely to successfully hook a foreign guy.
“Many Chinese women over the age of 35 experience difficulties finding husbands domestically, but in the west, in many foreigners’ minds, women aged 35 are seen as most attractive,” she said.
In spite of her assertions that the Seek-A-Husband Training Programme is intended for women over 35, Liang’s clients are often much younger than that. Her youngest student was reported to be just 17.
The Seek-A-Husband Training Programme is not free, of course. According to SCMP, Liang’s least expensive offering is a one-day class for 2,800 yuan, or $456. Her more advanced class packages clear 40,000 yuan (about $6,520), and the really committed can buy into her “unlimited” package and attend all the classes for 100,000 yuan ($16,300). So any expat dudes looking to catch the eye of a marriage-minded woman with money to burn could do worse than to loiter in the hallways outside Liang’s seminars.
Read more: http://www.thegloss.com/2013/06/01/sex-and-dating/elite-expat-marriage-course/#ixzz2XPRAIKOl
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If I read this correctly, the OP has gone to the USA & left her husband in Asia. That does not sound like the way to patch things up - rather it's providing increased temptation. Walking out has given him license to do whatever he wants guilt free.
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Walk out now while you can , it wouldnt be the best advice and wouldnt be good for your daughter either . but if you really would choose to stay , would you guarantee yourself that you could forget all the thoughts & visions regarding the incident ? would you be sure that he wouldnt ever and never do that again to you ?? And one thing for sure though , you would be always worried or wondered about him while he is not with you . thats just too much to handle , and the falling marriage around your daughter would be worse than grow up in a single parent family .
Still , the decision is yours , really wish you luck and hope the things work out for you and your daughter in a best possible way .
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PuiK
11 yrs ago
'Chinese chicks'?
Maybe you think again why he had to go cheat on you with the 'chinese chicks' at the first place before you do the name calling.
Is that because you are so hot, so sexy or so good in bed?
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I hope everything turned out for the best ! It would be so hard to forgive someone who has done something so awful
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I too hope it worked out well, but I suspect the marriage was doomed from the start. The comments about him being horny all the time suggest there were some compatability issues in the marriage, and viola, he finds satisfaction elswhere. Then, rather than trying to reconcile, the wife storms out with the kids. Hard to blame the man for giving into temptation when the wife is not taking care of his needs.
Never ceases to amaze me how many women who think they ignore their husband, and don't think of the consequences.
Wake Up ! There are loose women lining up to steal your husband, looking for the weakness in your marriage.
Needless to say, men need to consider their wife's needs also.
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Do NOT get divorced in HK if you are an American citizen - my husband dumped me for a young Asian & I thought getting divorced in HK would be easier than fighting from the opposite side of the world (I also mistakenly thought he would negotiate in good faith) - the judges there don't necessarily understand US pension rights and you could get screwed out of what would be legally yours in a US court.
(I am now based in the US)
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I faced a similar situation, and all I can say is: if he is satisfied at home, he won't cheat. That sounds harsh, but that's reality.
HK is one of the worst places in the world for a marriage. There are just so many options for the guys out here; it forces the wife to work extra hard to keep the husband happy since there are so many other options.
My husband cheated on me and I'm getting a divorce, but I do understand why he did it (I didn't at first and just felt angry at him). I can't go back to him with that thought in my head of him being with someone else, but I'm not angry and I have admitted to myself that it is at least partly my fault.
I let myself gain a bit of weight, stopped going to the gym, didn't initiate sex or make him feel like a man, and a few other things like that. Lesson learned: keep your guy interested in you or he will face a choice between leaving you OR cheating, because staying with someone who doesn't satisfy you simply doesn't work. If you don't want to do the "heavy lifting" that's fine, there are about 20 other girls lining up to do it for you.
If you can deal with being with him even after he has been with someone else, that's great. I wish I could, but I can't.
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I don't know why I read this. I never read these things. I was only here trying to see what Sevens tickets are selling for. Sigh.
But, I had to make the obvious comment here. There are no "Chinese chicks" in Wanchai. Any semi-conscious guy in HK knows this. This part of the story is obviously false. Sure, there are tons of other hooker nationalities (Hooray!) but no Chinese. (they're elsewhere)
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Actually, there are "Chinese Chicks" (not too fond of those racist words) in Wan Chai. They are few and far between but never the less present.
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I find some of the replies, advice and accusations a bit shocking in this thread.
Since when is it okay to blame the victim?
She was cheated on. Period. They are obviously from the USA where cheating is not socially acceptable in a marriage. It doesn't matter if some cultures tend to look the other way or not, in their marriage I bet it was understood that cheating is a deal-breaker and that line should never be crossed for any reason.
How in the world is it her fault because he couldn't control himself to stop drinking and have sex with someone other than his wife? All this talk about "keeping him happy" "make sure you look good for him" is all totally ridiculous. It lays blame on her for the fact he made the decision to cheat or put himself in a situation where he could be tempted to cheat.
The reality is, if there are arguments and problems in a marriage, it is BOTH of their responsibility to TALK about the issues and work TOGETHER to fix them.
It never ceases to amaze me how people excuse cheating when the reality is too many men are too lazy to work through issues that happen in every marriage and look for the easiest way to attain immediate gratification.
There is no excuse. Men should man up and deal with problems in a marriage and if through communication, mutual respect, and counselling, the issues are not worked out, only after mutually agreed upon separation should they be allowed to pursue other relationships or sleep with other people.
Trust in a marriage is so important and once that is broken, both people have a responsibility to work together to build that trust again. If they are unable to, only then should they separate.
So my advice for you, Ms Sunshine, is that you both need to seek professional couples therapy, you need to work through your feelings towards him and you both need to keep healthy communication lines open.
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whiterabbit852 -
Statements of moral outrage like "there is no excuse" convey the attitude that no matter how bad I am as a wife, HE still has to behave.... that's exactly the attitude that leads to cheating.
It's inconsistent to suggest that one party to a marriage can fail in anyway she wants but men are supposed to just "man up" and keep their end of the bargain. Marriage is a two way street. Women who don't keep their end of the bargain and then act surpised when their husbands don't either. Marriage is based on give and take.
Sorry if that's not what you believe, but that's the way the world works.
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miffus.......you are a remarkable women ...!!!! Sorry about your divorce ..
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I don't think I conveyed she has no responsibility and can act however she pleases in the marriage. But if you read it that way, let me clarify.
I -did- say that both parties need to talk about issues and work together to fix them, which is the same thing as saying she needs to keep up her end of the bargain too. Meaning, if he is unhappy with aspects of the marriage then it is his responsibility to address those issues with her, and in turn her responsibility to help fix those. Vice versa, of course.
Therefore, if he is not expressing what he needs or wants, she is unable to "give" by fixing what he wants and he has absolutely no right to "take" in the form of cheating.
But I still hold that there is absolutely no situation where cheating is okay. My opinion, of course. But I'm positive I'm not alone on that one.
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I find it courageous that OP went back to where she can think "clearly" as if she sees the source of " anger," it will cloud her judgement.
Her "horny all the time" statement, I am sure all wives have thought that about their husbands at one point.
The "Chinese Chick" comment, although I agree that it is a little too aggressive, what wife would not think so, it's not racial, it's about another woman interfering territory, when people get their territory intruded, don't they do acts that are not their character, I think even the rational out of rational will act out.
If life is that clear cut, no one will be on this forum for asking what they can do.
OP, I can understand how disgusted you are with your husband. My husband has really changed since moving to HK. I think a lot if this is the man who rally was or is it HK? And I can already hear arguments coming this way saying that people should not change with circumstances but, I rlly do not believe so. My parents were expats as well and in those days, it had more of a meaning than right now, you were more of a diplomat. The advise they gave my husband and I was DO NOT GET caught up in the small bubble of expat, it is tough to be grounded but, always remember that you are a guest in the country so be humble than ever, conclusion, easier said than done when you are always th gweilo.
Our therapist have told us and warned us that HK does give expats and men the illusion of being the "big" person due to the dynamics and is a very difficult place to be grounded. it is really important to be in touch with yourself as once you go back to your home country, you are going to have a difficult time adjusting with reality.
Interestingly enough, we we go back to visit our home countries, we get more grounded and I see in my husband, the person I respected.
Unfortunately, your husband crossed the line. Take time for your decision as once you do it, it cannot be undone, especially that you have a child. I cannot comprehend your pain on being cheated as my husband knows what the consequence is( I am the queen of monster wives). So I will not say more but, will remind you, that, please weigh all things. I recently saw a nasty divorce. Parents are happy that they got their lives back but, the child is really not happy, I am sure that she will understand one day but, if you proceed for a divorce, please be ready for your child to have difficult questions and periods.
Good luck and please take good care of yourself and a big hug to you!
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Whiterabbit852. I understand your outrage but it doesn't make much difference. A lot of men cheat because they can and it's easy. How many men would choose counselling when they can just do as they wish?
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I was initially feeling sorry for the OP, being a victim of a cheating husband myself. But this is all making sense now.
"he was a regular family guy before we move to HK. Geeky, normal, average job."
"I am attractive, fit, amazing in bed, kind..." "...I am an excellent lover, smart, caring, and funny."
Wow, you are so much better than this guy, and don't you know it! He is so lucky to have you! He should worship the ground you walk on! Why would he ever cheat!
"the night it happened we had an argument so he went to Wan Chai to drink alone"
Obviously the argument was his fault right? He was wrong? One of many arguments? You couldn't possibly be wrong could you?
"Hard to believe I'm married to such a cheap, inconserate and easy man."
Very hard to believe, especially when you of all people obviously deserve so much better.
"once a cheater always a cheater right?"
Every male has the capacity and the drive to cheat. Sexual monogamy is a choice, just like being vegetarian. It requires dedication and effort, and is not at all easy. Women who have delusions of grandeur don't make it any easier.
"there is absolutely no situation where cheating is okay"
Something has to give. Sure, if you think that cheating is totally unacceptable that's fine, but you may have to accept heavy drinking or the use of antidepressants instead. You also have to consider that asking him to "man up" can also translate as "get a divorce and find a woman who is better".
His end of the bargain is that he won't cheat, and your end is that you will do everything you possibly can to keep him happy in the same way that you did before you got married. That means going to the gym to keep fit, giving him attention, etc etc. You would need one hell of a weak and depressing man to translate "man up" as "don't cheat when the wife lets down her end of the bargain". If the woman breaks her end of the deal and isn't going to change, the guy has a choice between cheating, divorce, or getting hooked on drugs/alcohol. Choose one, and don't complain with the result.
If you don't understand the reality of how the world works, you are going to be disappointed, regardless of what kind of guy you find.
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