Love addiction

In The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm, the German-born American psychoanalyst, says most efforts to love fail unless a person has actively tried to develop his/her individual potential and personality.


I understand that saying above but when I met my ex-boyfriend I was crazy about him. I immediately fell in love with him. Everyday I saw him and spent time with him after work. During weekends, we were still attached to each other and ruled out most other activities. My parents were against our being together because he is 13 years older than me. But I insisted in being with him because I thought he is a good decent man.


Then during the eighth month of our relationship, I found out he was still dating his ex-girlfriend secretly behind my back. And his ex-girlfriend had no idea of my existence either. He was forced to make announcement in front of me and his ex that he would cut contact with her and stay together with me.


I forgave him and chose to stay beside him to give both of us another chance. But later I found out he still contacted with his ex through SMS or whatsapp or email or phone call or skype. And he kept lying to me saying he didn't contact her. And when I found out proof, he admitted that they were in touch but it was her who contacted him first.


I was so sick of his lies and my inside struggled due to the betrayal he did to me earlier. I was like I endured enough toward all the bullshits he did to me. But how could he treat me like this!


I was angry and hurt. And I couldn't tell my family about this at all for a long while. Then one day when I again found that he cares about his ex's feelings more than mine, I made the decision to break up with him finally.


So after one year's dating this guy, I broke away from him and from that relationship which was destructive to both my physical and mental health. I told my family about it. I told my close friends about it. And they all supported my decision and encouraged me to move on far away from him and never look back.


But it has been so hard. I blocked him from everywhere: facebook, skype, whatapp, wechat, kakao talk, g-chat. Just everywhere. But from time to time, I opened a small door by unblocking his number or show his name in chatting list and held the hope that he would contact me somehow. Well, he did and we tried to talk in a more calm way through phone or messages. He said he went to the therapist to deal with the struggle with ex and pain from breaking up with me. He said he doesn't want our hope to die and he hopes we can see each other again in a month or two to see the progress and check if there is any opportunity for us to go back together. I feel ups and downs when talking to him and thinking about the hurts he caused to me before and the hope he creates in the near future. I told myself not to give in but my inside suffers from missing him and wondering what he has been doing. I felt angry to myself and to him and to his ex too. I lost my appetite and feel so isolated from my daily life. Even I tried to learn playing keyboard or doing yoga or writing on my book. When thinking about him, the thoughts just dragged me back to the deep sadness and fury.


That was my second relationship and I looked back to them and found some patterns that I always had. I fell in love too easily. I attached myself to life-long committment too easily and quickly. I devoted myself completely to relationship too easily and quickly. I unbalanced my life to contribute all my free time to relationship. I sacrificed other aspects of my life, such as friendship, family, career, personal development, to please my partner in the relationship. And I was super blind to obvious signals telling me that staying with that kind of relationship is not rational and healthy.


It was that moment that I reached the understanding that I am probably a victim of love addiction.


Anyone has advices or suggestions about my story and problem? What can I do now? It will be great to hear some voices from outside.

Thanks malka for the comment. It does depend on personality. I guess I will wait in the queue for lifeboat when on the sinking Titanic. I am scared of death, pain and hurt. I am not that brave to take the risk of being cheated or lied again. What I ask for is a stable reliable and healthy relationship. Not filled with lies or betrayal or secrets. I wonder why it could become so complicated. I thought it is maybe I was too emotional in relationship and let it dominate my life too much.


I like the poem that you shared above. It shows strong courage and faith. But I suppose everyone should be careful before taking such kind of reactions to love. Because when the love is poured to the trustworthy person, even you suffered you still see hope. But if it is poured to untrustworthy person, you will be hurt very badly and somehow it wounds your soul and shakes your value system.


Also share something that I used to love a lot:


Dance like no one is watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like no one is listening, Live like it's heaven on earth. - Purkey, William


It used to be my motto but now...Sigh...

Just a Quote to share : )


"Relationships--of all kinds--are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost."


Cheers,

Thank HazelGirl and KathrynEWyant for sharing the beautiful lines. And thank malka again for giving advice like "~For men may come and men may go, but I go on for ever. ~ ".


I guess what I can do now is just to keep praying and moving on in my life by making the schedule of daily life busy. At least I would not think too much in that way.

Been there, gone through, I can empathize with your agony. I completely had my life colorless for years.

Ow did it boil my blood to find out and couldn't believe what sort of person can think that he can still think that there would be a chance, and deep down, I wished I could give it a chance.


May I just suggest, don't think you are a victim. It throws you into a downward spiral of life.


A day will come when you get tired of a colorless, tasteless life. A day will come when you start feeling that life can be trusted. A day will come when you can give yourself away to another man.



If you want to get through this with another relationship, please don't forget the famous saying " find Mr. Right now instead of Mr. Right."

If you want to face yourself( not saying that you had your faults at all, actually, I believe the contrary), embracing what is in front of you right now will be one idea for distraction.

When it happened to me, I devoted myself into work ( as ex GF was a super professional and thought that that was lacking in me) and it gave me a path I have never thought or planned of personally and professionally. It has broadened my view on perspectives.


Good luck to you! Always breaks my heart to see someone heartbroken. But cheesy as it is, keep your chin up as there will be a day.

Xshoequeen, thank you for sharing your story with me.

the problem is that most people only come to learn of life's greatest secret towards the end, and that is that everyone seems normal until you get to know them!

Hi Lakeside,


This man sounds suspiciously like the one I'm dating! Please send me a private message of a first name!

thanks.