I moved to HK upon marriage 18 months ago, it was a bit of whirl wind thing having only met him 6 months previous but at 42 I did think having been married before this was it finally it.
Six months after arriving here he suddenly lost his job, I was earning more than enough to keep us both and presumed he'd get another position reasonably quickly. He didn't seem to be trying that hard though. We let our maid go due to finances and he said he'd look for a job and do the domestic stuff as I was working hard. Something he seemed to do well, sometimes better than our maid. Socially he seemed to lose interest as we'll not wanting to go out much and I ended up attending events on my own or with friends making excuses all the time.
About five weeks ago I returned early from an event having received un wanted attention from a creep. I walked into our appt. quietly thinking he was asleep to find him wearing the maids tabard and my lingerie! He was mortified as was I. We had hell of a time since sleeping seep ratels and rowing he's tried to explain his ways which are un publishable on here, but I am struggling with this and am thinking of leaving him all together which he has begged me not to do.
What would you do?
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I think the statistics is like 90% of cross-dressers are heterosexuals. Cross-dressing is harmless if he remains faithful to you. There are two things you could do. Be positive and supportive about it (after getting over your shock) or if you find it uncomfortable, tell him it is fine but do it when you are not around. I think he's embarrassed enough as it is. Just my two cents. But I can understand your shock. I would be too.
The deeper issue here is his job. He lacks confidence and motivation. Maybe being retrenched has made him feel really bad about himself. He probably fears rejection. I think maybe you could gently encourage him? It is tough looking for a job in a foreign country, especially if his previous job was at a very high position.
Good luck.
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Thanks Gemma,
I understand cross dressing is harmless, I just never ever imagined I would be involved with one or married to one! I am the sort that likes to think I can accept people as they are regardless of gender religion or sexuality, I just feel he had a duty to tell me before we wed.
It has never been a fantastic physical relationship and I know it's easy now but looking back I kind of knew there was an issue as I always seemed to be the one to initiate intimacy rare as it was. We have had some heart to hearts where I have encouraged him to try and open up about his feelings and as far as I can tell his world seems to centre around me and looking after me, even now after we have been in separate bedrooms all this time. I have asked him if he's dressed "maidy" since my discovery which he has admitted to saying he just makes him feel more comfortable in that role.
I have to be honest the looking after me bit I and our apartment he has done excellently so he obviously enjoys what he does I don't have to lift a finger. I just can't get my head around him being Ok doing this all day and even some evenings when I am out.
Really confused as to what to do next.
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KaSue
10 yrs ago
OK, I can't give advice here as I'm not sure I could feel the same way ever again If I saw my husband dressed as a woman. But what I can do is tell you about somebody else I know who has been through almost exactly the same thing, you may not like it bit seems to work for them, so brace yourself lol
They were living in the UK at the time and had been in invited to New Years Eve bash where everyone was going to be in fancy dress as is traditional in the UK. I attended the same party the theme was to be vicars and tarts. She came as the vicar and he attended as a maid and was getting a little bit to into his role at the party and was serving drinks. As everyone was rather drunk no one paid too much attention and just thought it was a bit of a giggle, but at the party so told me she was really embarrassed and they had argued about his intentions to come dressed that way for a couple of days.
A couple of days latter she called me and asked me to meet up as she wished to talk. I could from her voice it was one of those "girl talks" that had to happen ASAP so I invited her round there and then. She told me, rather tearfully, that she was going to leave her husband, shocked I asked her if she was sure (as you do) and told her to tell me why on earth she had come to this life changing decision so quickly not even thinking about what had happened at the party a couple of days previously.
She laid her soul bare and told me that they had argued so vehemently about his intentions to attend the party dressed as a maid because he had previously told her some months before that this was something he would like to do and not just at a party. She said also that their sex had been virtually on existent due to his submissive desires he had fessed up about to her something she said she couldn't participate in as she wanted her man to be a a man. I made her promise to not do anything rash and to go home and talk which she said she would do.
I was traveling to and from the UK at the time and had to leave unexpectedly the same week and didn't have the opportunity to see her or offer my emotional support during her crisis something I felt terribly guilty about so I called her as soon as I could on my next return to the UK which was some three months. Her explanation of their "new arrangement" nearly gave me a heart attack!
She said she returned home after my previous advice chat and announced to her husband she wished to divorce and go their separate ways as she couldn't accommodate his cross dressing ways. She then said he then got upset and begged her not to leave him, he confessed that he didn't consider himself a cross dresser but liked to dress maidy to express his submissive desires and would be OK if she found a physical relationship outside of their marriage if he could dress this way and let her be the focus of his submissive tendencies.
This is the relationship they now have and outwardly to anyone else they seem a happy couple only us three are aware of their arrangement. She says the house is kept immaculately clean he does everything, cooking, washing, ironing the lot! She is free to see who she wishes when she wishes. On her "date nights" she says he is particularly attentive wanting to run her bath, do her nails, lay her clothes out on the bed or what she deems her "maid" she be doing.
Like I say not for everyone but they seem more than happy so please think about where you want your life to be a few months from now before you do anything rash. Good luck and please let us know how you get on and tell him to buy his own lingerie!
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Thanks kasue,
Interesting scenario one that rings a few bells to be honest. I kind of level with the feeling differently about him bit now that I've seen him dressed up, I wish I didn't but I do. He has sort of gone down the route you outline a little and seems to be trying to encouraging me to do the same, I I feel a bit like I'm being manipulated. Whilst discussing our issues and his desires to be submissive he said he understood about my concerns regrading the cross dressing. He said he didn't consider it cross dressing but more an expression of his submissiveness towards women me in particular. I admit Imtake the lead in most of our decisions but that's because he won't, it doesn't make me the dominant bitch he wishes I was. He said he didn't want a "whip wielding cow girl" type just a sensual woman who would take the lead with her sexuality. I told him I needed a physical relationship with a man not a maid and he implied that me having a lover might not be out of the question and as he would know about it it would not be cheating, how on earth did I get here?
I have spent a fair amount of time at a female neighbours apartment in the evenings, I confided in her as I know she is confidential. She tried to reassure me, like some of you guys, that it's not a " biggy" and lots of guys do it, where's the harm in private,ect ect. But when it's "your guy" you feel differently I promise you. She even offered to let him be her "daily" saying she'd love to have her apartment cleaned a laundry done for free! Cheeky mare! Although keeping him busy might not be such a bad thing at the moment.
I am really concerned where this going to all end up.
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Remmy
10 yrs ago
Its obviously an incredibly gay thing to be doing the things you caught him doing. Having said that, I do actually know another couple where almost exactly the things you said happened go on. The man (who has a high earning and respected job) wears dresses, high-heals, and lipstick etc usually on weekends (although its actually in front of his wife and their young child!). They treat it as a bit of a joke rather than a sexual thing. I've actually seen him do it and he was not pleasuring himself or acting sexually etc at the time. That is not to say though that some of the people who do this don't get sexual pleasure from it.
The particular guy I know seems to be to be bi or perhaps secretly gay, (and is quite feminine and gay-ish in his mannerisms) but he does have a wife, and has produced a child etc.
If I was a women, there is no way I would tolerate a guy doing something like cross-dressing. As I said earlier, its incredibly gay, and no way can anyone claim its "normal".
As for you "needing a physical relationship with a man" I see no reason why you could not get that from another guy (or guys), but again, I can also understand that many women prefer their partner, lover, sex-partner, friend etc etc all to the same person rather than separate people.
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Hi Angiewatson17, This might not be very constructive criticism, however I think it would be best if you move on. As a man, I can’t imagine my wife wanting to be a 'man' in our relationship, it would simply not work.
I have nothing against cross dressers, however, as you pointed out, as soon as it happens in your own relationship, it becomes a whole different ball game.
You both want something else in the marriage, and you would have probably not signed up for this if you knew this before marrying him...
Don’t see it as a failure from your end, please. It’s something he has been hiding for a long time...
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BTW I've lived in the same building and had a neighbor (high ranking exec for a multinational) give up his job as it was interfering with this plan to get a sex change operation. He had the operation and then became a stay at home dad. According to the doorman and verified by other neighbors during the day he went out in high heels and a wig with a dress on. Turns out his wife was bi too so I guess that is why it worked with them. They had a teenage daughter who lived with them. All neighbors basically shunned the family. From what I heard, later, due to his inability to find a job they had to move to a rougher area (where the men are more macho) he was repeatedly beaten on the streets.
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KaSue
10 yrs ago
I don't agree with the "he's obviously gay" angle
Angie I feel you don't wish to leave him as you would have done that by now if that was that what you had wanted. You obviously care about him or you need his support a great deal.
Your needs should come first in all this if you are to accommodate his, talk to your friend maybe have her over to "interview him" if she is serious about helping you with this.
You have a situation where your husband wishes to look after you intensely and be the centre of his world he wants to be your maid and is OK about you having physical relationships with other guys.
Most women could only dream about a scenario like this!
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He/she obviously knew about his/her tendencies prior to your marriage as they did not just spruce overnight afterwards. Also you dated he/she for six months so you had not much of an emotional bond with he/she. If you flee now, in six months you will forget about this. Seriously, doesn't the deception bother you? I don't think you owe he/she much more of an explanation as he/she should be the one apologizing for pulling this bull crap on you.
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maxis
10 yrs ago
Angie, that is total BS about most women only dreaming about a scenario like that.
It wasn't in the deal, he was caught out.Better you find out now than later.
Dont worry about your age, don't let that effect your decision.
If you are happy about it, well each to their own.
But really, it is not mainstream behaviour. If you think you can deal with it, you better get professional advice and not rely on public opinion.
You better get him a psychiatric assessment too. There may be other perversions lurking in there you haven't seen yet. Check the web history on the computer and see where his fetishes reside. If the web history has been deleted you can presume it was something pretty weird or has joined an S&M club or something.
You need professional advice. This aint an experiment or mistake, this is a secret lifestyle fantasy thing.
Also better check he isn't doing any part time maid work for anyone else and breaching his visa :)
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Thanks Maxis & lmjazz,
I have to be honest here and fess up. Being in IT shortly after "my discovery" I did place a key logger on our computer. Wrong I know but my intentions where to find out if there was a third party in this relationship. There wasn't, but I sometimes wish there had been as unfaithfulness would have probably put the tin lid on our fledgling marriage.
Nearly all of the sites he had visited were connected were female dominant type fetish material with a few "unfaithful married women" fetish sites plus one from the UK where he'd ordered a maids outfit! But none where he had involved a person locally or anywhere else. He'd posted a few messages about our current situation and ones previous to my discovery asking advice on how to transform me into a "hot wife" that treats her husband with contempt. I showed my neighbour who has been a great confidant through all of this, a lot more broad minded a bit of a feminist and even she was shocked! She did however offer to mediate as she is aware that I do actually still think my husband is a good person and whilst I appreciate this didn't occur overnight he has been under immense pressure recently.
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maxis
10 yrs ago
Asking advice from.people on the internet how to transform you into something to satisfy his fantasy?
But this isnt just a bit of kinkiness like....whatever, this is how he wants not only him to live but ALSO HOW YOU SHOULD LIVE.
It isnt like a bit of bedroom fun once in while or.attending the odd swingers party now and then (eek!) Or a bit of roll playing like spy vs spy (whatever?) But how you are to actually live!!!
Get profession advice ASAP in case you get transformed before you notice and are iso indoctrinated you dont notice you are simply playing a part in someone elses fantasy.pantamime.
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maxis
10 yrs ago
Angie,
I see you and.your neighbour want to hire and share a male domestic helper:
http://hongkong.asiaxpat.com/forums/hong-kong-domestic-help/threads/154659/male-domestic-helper/
Why not just rent your husband out to your neighbour?
Or has he asked for a butler/driver as part.of his fetish.
You better tell any guy you interview that the current maid aint all what she seems.
Imagine how some guy would feel if.he signs.a 2 year contract and finds out your husband is frolicking around the house in high heals, g string and suspenders with a feather duster !!! Yikes! Sort out the husband issue surely first before you do.this.
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I think you need to get a divorce. Seriously from a man's point of view it seems repulsive. Sorry to be racist. It just is. Send him to Obama:
http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/fanfare-obama-advances-transgender-rights-24244357 and you go back to a normal way of life. You dont owe the guy shid.
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is it just me who thinks that the advice from maxis and LMJAAZ seem completely off the mark?
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maxis
10 yrs ago
Cookie. You are entitled to your opinion and that is fine.
However, you must accept your opinion may not be thr same as everyone else, and that other people may think you are off the mark, yet have been polite and respectful in accordance with the website rules and not given such a sweeping statement about your opinion or advice .
Let Angie listen to what she wants to, and.dont try and stiffle opinion and keep the forum what it is supposed to be, please.
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Maxis,
I was asking what experience/problems people have had with having a male domestic helper.
My husband has spent a lot of time trying to convince me this is what he wants to be and do. My girlfriend is also trying to assure me it might not be a bad idea, although She is more of the "as long as he does as he's told and does a good job" type!
There are other aspects I have consider before I commit to this arrangement though.
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Maxis,
I was asking what experience/problems people have had with having a male domestic helper.
My husband has spent a lot of time trying to convince me this is what he wants to be and do. My girlfriend is also trying to assure me it might not be a bad idea, although She is more of the "as long as he does as he's told and does a good job" type!
There are other aspects I have consider before I commit to this arrangement though.
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MJ1
10 yrs ago
This is both funny and disturbing at the same time, more disturbing...
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maxis
10 yrs ago
It is really very disturbing.
Probably much more to think about than the quality of his maiding it would seem.
He aint who or what you married.
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I don't believe a word of this story. If you read all angiewatson17's posts, as well as her other thread, it sounds fabricated, with too many details that just don't ring true. Still, if she (or he) is having fun wasting our time, I guess it's not the end of the world.
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Give him something really racy from Fredericks of Hollywood.
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this should be a perfect match: you the bread winner and he the house-husband.
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Rititt,
That's what he appears to want
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Hello Angie, finding your husband in your lingerie must have been a shock. However, cross-dressing is not at all uncommon, though it is hardly discussed! It is not an indication at all that something is 'wrong' with him, and many, many wholly, fully, hetero fellas experiment with tapping the feminine in them and find they simply can't release this information to their partner, because they fear. What I am puzzled about is: was it something he has done most of his life before knowing you, or various stresses of relocation might have triggered an urge? In the first case, not disclosing this information is a trust issue and here is an opportunity to discuss it. On the other hand, we all have fantasies, and major life changes because of the stresses and uncertainties they provoke, near 'demand', in a somewhat compulsive fashion, that these fantasies be acted upon. It acts as release. As you are only 18 months in HK and there was loss of job, the stress must be enormous. Yet, what matters most: how do YOU feel about it? Best of luck. Pascale
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Thank you Pascale,
In hindsight And now I have had time to collect my thoughts a little And if I'm honest with myself it doesn't surprise me. He always showed a great deal of interest in me an what I was wearing, enjoyed shopping with me never complained about spending hours with me clothes shopping trying things on. I have dated men that hated it he was obviously enjoying it as much as I was, I just put it down to him being tolerant, sensitive something I found attractive in him at that time. He never once complained or got jealous if a guy asked me to dance. On one occasion in the UK a guy asked me to dance and his hands were everywhere my husband didn't say a word I remember thinking at that time that I wished he would. My neighbour and I have stayed out overnight twice since my discovery and my husband hasn't questioned me or objected in the slightest.
We have had some seriously long talks about where we go from here and consistently he has said that he doesn't want us to split but has also said he doesn't think he can give up dressing but says he understands our emotional relationship is probably over he says he is happy when I am happy. For three weeks now he has kept two apartments clean tidy laundered and generally spick and spam and seems perfectly happy to do so in fact even happier when my neighbour is over critical with his efforts!
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This is so weird and so annoying...
"I think the statistics is like 90% of cross-dressers are heterosexuals."
Not really. Most cases will go homo-sexual in 10 years!
"Cross-dressing is harmless if he remains faithful to you. There are two things you could do. Be positive and supportive about it"
You cannot do this. Absolutely cannot do this. The "cross-dressing" thing.. seriously is going to challenge your woman identity, it entirely hurts woman's dignify..
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Am I reading this correctly?
Your husband is Ok being your uniformed house maid and attending to your and your neighbours every need, and whilst doing so he is perfectly happy for you to have a sexual relationship with who so ever you choose?
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MJ1
10 yrs ago
I have to admit, I've dressed in women's clothing before, when I was around 8 wearing my mum's dress and putting on some lippy, quite enjoyed it. But these days, I prefer taking women's clothing off than putting it on.
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obviously something is not right. You need to weigh your commitment to the marriage versus his abnormal behaviour.
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maxis
10 yrs ago
I really wonder.if this is really a genuine thread.
Even from a basic financial standpoint, it would be better to rent him out than just do this at home.
If he is PR or on dependent visa, he could be rented out. And.there may be some weirdos out there who could get some sort of rush out of having a transvestite as their housemaid, and pay well.over the cost.of.just a FDH.
If it is for.real, why not make.some cash out of.his depravity eh?
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Cant help but think this thread was actually created by a dude I'm afraid, maybe to find out what others think about his secret fantasy. Every new thread by the initiator looked to be an attempt to steer the conversation onto what 'he' wanted the group to comment on, which is fair enough I suppose.
Anyway, if there happens to be any ladies on here, who wanted a house maid somehow to help out with anything ( house work with no cross dressing involved!), I would be quite interested to try it out, so please contact me. Thanks
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Heard someone say this week that if cross dressing isn't illegal in HK it will be shortly? Can anyone through confirm this?
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I seriously doubt this, how would you actually enforce this. In my eyes, half the men in HK already dress like women.
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