Daughter in law issues

Posted by Iam4hamster 11 mths ago
I live in the U.S. and our daughter in law is from Korea but has lived here about 20 years. She and our son have been married for 9 years. They live across the country and we usually went there once a year to visit for about 5 days. We haven’t seen our daughter in law for 4 years. Every time we were going to visit, my son came here by himself. I felt as though for some reason my daughter in law doesn’t like me. I mentioned it in a message to my son, as they’re expecting our only grandchild and we’d like to have a relationship. He said it’s cultural. What does that mean? We don’t get involved in their stuff, only give an opinion if asked. I do like to celebrate holidays, especially Christmas. They don’t seem to celebrate anything. We send gifts at Christmas if we don’t see them.
What could be the cultural issue where she doesn’t like me?

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LeGypsie 5 mths ago
Sorry to see no one had a reply for you...

Your son is right, its a "cultural thing" and also a personal thing.

My brother is married to someone who treats my parents much the same way as your Daughter-in-law behaves towards you.

If ever my parents go to visit him, she is somehow miraculously not around...either she's at a yoga class or, if its a longer visit, she's actually out of the country! Sometimes she even leaves for a vacation if she knows my parents are coming. She is Japanese, our family is Asian too, but mixed race/culture, with the factor of growing up as Third Culture Kids.

To put it mildly, don't hold your breath hoping for things to change, in the end, its up to your son to build the bridge, but you have to be careful not to pressure him. If having a place in your future grandchilds life is what matters, then that is what you can communicate, as in my brothers case, he still visits my parents with his two kids in tow, but not with his wife (who always goes off on a solo holiday when he does make plans).

Don't take it personally, its her, not you. You can't have any idea of how she grew up, maybe her parents weren't so full of hugs and kindness and somehow maybe she finds it stifling to experience that from your western way of doing things.

I also want to say that my brother does what he can to keep the peace with his wife. His marriage has not gone well, but he's still made the choice to stay married...so I believe in the end, like I said, be kind to your son, you don't know what he's going through. Don't pass judgement, don't make it about you, don't take it personally, just do what you can to always be there for him, be supportive, keep the lines of communication open, don't criticize his wife, just accept that she is the way she is because she is the way she is, not because you are a crappy in-law or some sort of story.

I know its not the ideal situation to be in, not the one you had hoped for, but it is what it is. I hope that helps. And if your little grand kid has already been born, MazelTov! :)

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