Posted by
watsuki
18 yrs ago
Separated due to third party on my spouse side. He moved back home after a year so that we could work on our marriage because of our 2 young children. The marriage looks like it's healing on the surface but really, it's not. I have kind of detached myself from whatever he do outside like I don't ask him where or who he go out with. We don't have any one to one outing, everything is done with the children or with our own set of friends. On days that is going normally and busy, it's fine but when things start to slow down, especially at night, I just feel alone. I don't know how long tis is going to last. I hate to disappoint my children, wanting them to grow up with both parents. Sometimes this is killing me cause everyone, family, friend and even the church, want me to give this a chance.
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Ask your heart, will you be happy?
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wolfbaby, I am neither unhappy or happy. I don't know how to describe or if you understand what I meant. Sometimes I feel like I could go on this way but sometimes not.
Thanks, billybally, we tried counselling. It did not help as there were denial from his side and his refusal to go back after that session. Things just roll on or rather standstill. What do you mean effort? Does it not suppose to come both ways? Maybe I am afraid of getting hurt again, the reason for not wanting to be too involved in him again.
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tyro
18 yrs ago
Watsuki, I feel sorry for you...being detached yourself and pretend nothing's happened is very painful and hurtful. Honestly, have u forgive what he did (the affair) in your heart? If not, attend some counselling sessions alone may help to put down your emotional baggages, its hard to move on your life if the past wounds is too heavy.
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Please don't stay for the kids sake, only for your own. I've been that kid and believe me, they know what's going on. It doesn't need door slamming and major rows for the tension to be felt throughout the house. They benefit so much more with a happy mother.
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@@
18 yrs ago
Do you love him? Do you want to love him again? I think you have to really decide if you want to save your marriage or if perhaps it's time to move on.
Staying together for the children isn't right - you must do what is right for you and what will bring you happiness in the long run. What is most important is HOW you do it.
I do think that some marriages can come back but it takes a huge effort. If you BOTH really want to work on it then you need to take the time to discover each other again (without the children).
It's really tough but it can be done. You need to invest in your relationship, have dates with each other, perhaps find a hobby together - speak to each other with respect.
Some great books and resources out there which are helpful.
Good luck.
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Your header is "dead marriage". Sorry, but in your mind its over, and you know it is final. You hang in there because of children, friends, church...but they can't help really. Just prolong the situation. From what you wrote you have a strong character, you just don't take the next step. You will NOT disappoint your children at all. They understand more then you might think or know. Also they want to have/see a happy mum...you can handle this ! Also, be a bit more "selfish" and don't forget YOUR life. All the best !
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How old are your kids?
This has some bearing since you expressed a strong desire for them to grow up with both parents. If that is really your number one concern, it makes a huge difference if your kids are 3-4 yrs old versus 11-ish in terms of the amount of personal sacrifice you will have make (years of silent suffering etc).
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tyro, I forgive him the day I made the decision to try again. Isn't forgiving means never to bring it up again even though one might not forget?
marieantoinette & @@, the main reason we decided that he move back home so that we could try again is for our son. Our son took the separation so badly that he tried to commit suicide twice (that we knew of). Luckily our helper saw it in time to prevent any tragedy. He had to see a councelor for abt a year. Those incidents truly push us to try.
Initially we still try to go out for date but without the children around us, the tension was really bad as we have lost our common ground. So now we don't try that anymore.
pinolino, yeah, seeing how you put it down, I do think it's true. I might be prolonging the situation and not taking the next step. Have anyone been in this situation where the marriage is over yet stay together for the children sake? How do you deal with times when things are down and you would begin to have doubts?
marigold, my children are 7 and 9 years old. What kind of bearing are you thinking of?
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MC
18 yrs ago
watsuki, I am in the exact situation TRYING to leave. My child is 7. There is no 3rd party. It's just that we don't care about each other any more and anything we do annoy each other. He doesn't want a divorce and wants to make things work but somehow doesn't really try. Underneath, he believes that I will never leave him which then causes him to behave in a way that i cannot stand. I think I am finally making a decision to leave him. Children are important but afterall I have to live as well.
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watsuki,
if you hate being lonely,hate disappoint your children, then why don't you give it a shot? find some of hobbies you both like. that may help the realtionship, and make you happier. If it fails, at least you tried your best. so no more hesitation, no more regret...
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wow watsuki, I really feel for you, going through all this and your sons suicide attempts. How old is he? Did the counselling show improvements and is he able to communicate his feelings to you now? Did he say that it was directly due to your separation? Only you can truly know if you have anything left to give. If the answer's yes, then make a huge effort, but if no, then it's time to move forward while constantly reassuring your kids that everything will be ok in the end. You have such a lot on your plate and I really don't envy you, but just take one step at a time, and good luck......
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Mc, I am sorry to hear about your problem. The most difficult part in this is actually taking the first step after you've make the decision. All the best to you.
marieantoinette, my son was 8 back then. Yes, the counselling did help but I think his dad moving back is the main reason for the positive turnabout. He is very close to daddy and yes, he told the counselor why he try committing sucide. I am constantly reassuring him and recently he had asked if we are still going to get a divource. Thank you for your posts. I know I have to live by my decision. I am also not sure why I start this thread and what I hope to get out of it. Maybe an outlet to let go.
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All of these threads about divorce and custody really makes me appreciate my ex-wife and how easy it all has been. I get to see my daughter freely, she is perfectly well- adjusted for eight (so far) and I couldn't see things being this good if we were still together.
We're not even friends, but things between us have always been calm and civil, for the most part, and for that I think we both should be proud.
I'm sorry there are so many vindictive people in this world who use children like the rope in a tug-of war to get some kind of revenge on the other party.
Advice for the divorced moms: your child needs to see their dad. Make it easy. And don't do any badmouthing, no matter how much a scumbag daddy was.
Advice for the divorced dads: Take time to be with your kids. They need you. And don't be a jerk to your kids' mom. And don't badmouth her, no matter how much of a b**ch she is.
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I believe u have to get out in that situation and move on.The kids are clever and they would understand. It's better to be happy and have peace. Dont stay because of kids. I understand your situation because i was there once
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I agree- i you decide it's unsalvageable then you should not stay on for the kids. Like marieantoinette, I am 'the kid' and till this day my parents are legally married and estranged only in the recent 4 years.I still have to hear my mom badmouth and curse and groan about my dad and his family for the 10000th time everytime I go back to see my mom.
I wonder if it would have been better if they had split up when I was a kid I would have probably gotten a better childhood.
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Thank you for all your advice.
I am beginning to feel choked by my situation. And yes, I agree with you that kids are clever and they would eventually understand and get over. But honestly, what truly terrific me is the fact that my son may try it again.
I am seriously considering asking for a separation again. Anyway, with him now travelling so frequent, the children might accept it better this time. I dread breaking the news to the children again.
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