Posted by
Manzi
18 yrs ago
I have a problem here,I have been living together with this girl for 4 years and now I just found out that she 's been cheating on me for 2 years.She has another man and have been sleeping with him often when I am on business trips....Now the other thing I just discovered is that she invited to Shanghai a guy she met while she was travelling and now I know the hotel where the guy lives now.These days she never let me take home phones,she even invited the guy to our house when I was at work... I am asking what to do now...Should I go and meet the guy or should I wait and surprise them while there are together..I really love this girl but I have to call it off and deep inside my heart ,there is a strong force that push me to revenge...What can I do?
Note:I 've been very nice to this girl supporting her financially and spiritually.
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Be a man!!
Go and move forward without her if you're not happy with her. Don't waste your time.
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I wouldn't bother with revenge. Just look after you finances and chuck her out.
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Prawns sounds like the kinda thing a vexed woman would do.
Just pack her stuff, send it to any hotel and book the room for one night, and pay in advance. That way you don't have to feel guilty or worry about her. then phone her and tell her where. If you can't face a phone conversation then text her/email her, and if she call ignore it. If she call some other way, then just say its over and hang up.
If you have a joint accont, empty it and close it. Use her half of themoney to pay for the hotel.
Don't confront anybody, you are not married and you don't need proof for the divorce courts.
You needn't worry about how she will survive, she sounds like the kind of girl who will be latched on to someone else very quickly.
She is probably bored with your relationhip and would dump you when a better prospect comes along anyhow.
One last question. Is she Shanghainese?
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Roxy
in ans to your last Q.
the white guy is fresh off the boat (so to speak)
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Tiger01, you made me laugh with the prawns!!
Sometimes it's nice and a good way to unwind to "think" revenge, even if it's not carried out (better not to, in most cases, I'd have thought)...
My imagination took me quite far a number of times, although it was just fantasy to help get over the pain caused by people who'd really severely wronged me.
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Manzi
18 yrs ago
Thank you all for your advice.
She is now thinking to travel with her g/f but I am sure she faking it,because her friend is helping her to cheat me...This time she asked me to support her telling me she want to go to Yunnan,Vietnam,....I will let her go and when she is on way there I will pack all her stuff and mail them to her lover's home if they are not going there together....I won't contact her until she comes back to find that I already moved..I will email her later telling her that it's over.It's gonna be painful for me ,though.I love this girl but as she treats me like dirt..I will let her go and I hope to never see her again..She doesn't deserve my free unconditional love.The other this is that I found out that she 's HPV now..I am really bummed out.
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Manzi, please go and get yourself tested for STD's as soon as possible. All STD's not just HPV.
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Manzi
18 yrs ago
I plan to do it this week...And I don't know what to do to this girl if I find I have any.
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I think you should move your stuff while you're at it. At the very least, change the bedroom.
New addresses can be kept confidential. Trust me, you don't want her sitting on your doorstep with a puppy-dog look at a later time.
Phone numbers and emails can be blocked. Save yourself wondering, "Did she call or email?"
Pretend she died - you can even have a mock funeral for the relationship. The hardest part, though, is if you have mutual friends. If you have friends that are just YOUR friends, they can be a big help with things.
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Nara
18 yrs ago
I do agree with richard... I mean, you never know what an angry person can do. My example, as written in my thread, I moved out from home with only a few belongings, then my mother wanted to sue me the second time I went HOME to get my own things as stealing,,,One month of troubles & troubles with the police. If I would have asked for advise here before I have done anything,,, I would definitely planned a one-off action.
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Hi Manzi, just moved out and dont live with her
anymore. I hope you'll get better soon. I believe you'll find another better girl in the furture.
take care with all the best
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Hi Manzi, in case your situation as like Richard18085 said. Can you leave Shanghai and work at other country ?? Pls stay in touch with us, we just want to know are you everything alright. Take care
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nice info back there richard! just moved here in shanghai from guangzhou some 3 months ago and basically doesn't know the noises shanghainese women make.
no wonder when i told my previous secretary that there are lots of beautiful women here in shanghai (this happens early this year when i decided to see and feel the city before accepting the new job) she answered me that they are like poison. i thought she just said it as a metaphor but based on your testimony, she meant it literally. :D
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Really feel sorry to hear what you experenced Manzi. Go ahead with your decision. find a new apartment. change your mobile. close your joint accout make sure your money is safe.
Many good women in this city are very traditional
at least those around me are very good, good wife to husband and family, good mom to kids, good friends and colleagus in the company. good daughter to parents. Don't worry, you will have such a girl in the near future. Manzi.
Good luck!
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I have to agree that one can never be too careful. My extreme side has a theory that one should never mix finances and/or child-rearing without ringage.
Since I haven't completely thought that through, I won't state it as a "rule" - but no one has yet offered me logical reasons to believe otherwise.
That said, my username will indicate that no one intelligent would date me for my money. Even the value of my passport has become suspect of late :).
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Manzi
18 yrs ago
Thank you all for the threads. I am still considering what exactly I have to do .I already called it off of course.But it's not so easy for me though.
Now she is traveling with her g/f..But I am sure she is with another man there or she is waiting for one to join her.She keeps smsing me with sweet (poisonous) msgs in order to let me think that she cares about me...or let me charge the creditcard later when she won't have money left.(I already cancelled it ).She doesn't know what I am about to do..Fortunately I already changed my passport and anything in relation with my money is in my control now..I think I have to find another apartment now..The thing that really makes feel bummed out is that I keep discovering her secrets everyday and this hurts me badly..why I waited for so long to know what kind of girl she is..I just discovered there is another guy living in the apartment we were living before and she keeps contacting him.This guy tells her how is everything by an Ayi who comes to clean our house everyday.The Ayi also is in.The other thing is that she knows some of my colleagues... I don't know how to get out of this smoothly except quitting my job and leaving Shanghai at least for now.
Richard18085,
I thought about the consequences I could face if were to revenge..I gave it up..And can we make friends here..I think you should be of great support here..You know them more than me...
Thanks you all..if you have any suggestions other than revenge please tell me what I can do to get out of this smoothly...
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Manzi
18 yrs ago
Kowloon_tong,
I discovered all these things by coincidence not sneaking into her stuff...The problem is that she never want to talk about it her wrongdoings..and so as I said I already called it off no need for more explanations..And I am sure I will get over it as time goes by.
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At this point I want to raise my voice because I think many things have been said about Chinese women, which are true for some and not true for others. Also I want to put thing in the right spotlight if we generalize Asian women.
I know many guys that are happily married to women from Philippines, China and other countries. I know also a lot that have been cheated and lost fortunes. But I also know that many man where divorced from American and European women and lost a fortune as well as some of them are still together with them.
Let's have a closer look at those "poor" western guys that got cheated so badly (and I think they are not really closely related to the above mentioned case). I heard this story over and over again about that guy that meets his Asian wife on the internet, travels there, falls in love, buys a house and gets cheated over. I mean how sad does it get? When does a man's brain fail so badly? Would you ever do the same in your country? Would you realistically just meet a girl once and then buy her a house under her name (or in common name) just because you fell in love with her at first sight? I must say sorry guys. I have to say that maybe it is your own fault? The same goes for those who marrying a girl just after knowing her, moving in with her and so on and so forth. In your own country you would take a long phase of courting and getting to know each other before you get closer involved with somebody as well, why not over here? How many guys did I meet so far that came over to China, met that "poor" bar girl and took her in the apartment to "save" her from this bad profession and woke up being poor and cheated over, I can not even tell you here.
I though, do appreciate the warnings that have been given above. But do we really need to narrow them down to an Asian or a Chinese girl? If your girlfriend in your own country would not have a steady job and still a lot of money, buying always the newest mobile phones and clothes, acting strangely and leaving you at midnight after a phone call, I mean would you really be together with such girl in your own country?
I have to say at this point, that there are many honest and nice women here in Asia. You just must find them. Get to know them and their family first, takes a long courting time with them. Once you find the right one for you, you can find an INCREDIBLY caring and loving wife that will give up herself for you. They will be honest and trustful and never even think about cheating you. And there is a lot of proof for that just look around and try to search for the one for you.
And one last thing, try to cheat her and you will get the bill ;). Just my humble point of view but I know just too many guys that will share this point of view.
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great post Eva!
guess nothing more to add nor attitudes to defend!
Maybe only that gold-digging must not necessarily start with married men as those are, to a certain extend, already limited in resources.
But what the heck; mine is mine and all is I!
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Eva,
I do actually agree with you and Michael. Part of the story is certainly the chance that they have getting a "rich" man. Some of them are not rich but certainly more rich then the average population in the country, so the incentive is attractive enough to play the game they are playing and hopefully say good bye to a live that's sole destiny is to end up working 12/7 in a factory for 400 RMB / month.
Marriage in China is not considered to be a think of the heart and emotions but only to stabilize and maintain a certain social position and that is a very old tradition. Only recently they are getting more open and with that also more confused about feelings and love, which are initially not a factor that has to be considered in marriage. I also want to point out that this is only valid for China and that in other countries it is actually very important to have a fulfilled marriage that is based on love and understanding. Back to China now.
On the country side, many Chinese girls today have 4 choices. She studies hard and is lucky enough that her parents have money so she can go study in the big city and get a good job and earn some money. Or she will be sold to "work" in alternative positions so the parents can get some money. She could also be married by her parents, which don't care about the girls feeling but rather about the husband's purse or, last but not least, go to the city and work in the factory (see above). Most of the treasure hunters are surprisingly country girls and not city girls (I think Manzi mentioned that his (hopefully ex GF) is not a Shanghai girl). On top of all that, with a population in China that has now 1.3 male on 1 girl, they can even choose now. Why not choose the best deal in that case?
But again, I don't say that to protect those girls but maybe rather to explain a possible reason for this. And I just also want to ad my POV that every coin has two sides and that many western men's brain snap just a tick too easily, when they come to Asia. Why do they simply fall so easily into the trap (And if that one is married on top - WOW)? All I want to say is that maybe we should not solely focus on blaming all the guilt on the "mean" Asian girls but maybe give some responsibilities to the western man that can not control themselves.
I recently read a hilarious posting from travelingteacher, dig it up if you have some time and have a good laugh about the joke but also recognize the truth in it. I think, if western man in Asia would be as cool and rational thinking as at home, maybe they would not buy their GF a house after the first night together?
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hey pimp! You do not need to type texts here. just post an empty reply; your handle will tell your opinion... w/o words so to say!
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Thanks, Donqquan, for the compliment :).
I think cross-cultural relationships are certainly possible. At the same time, it is more difficult to ascertain motivations behind actions in a cross-cultural context - and relatively easy in a same-culture context. For example: rich man in American meets poor American girl. Most are not the Julia Roberts "Pretty Woman" girl. Some are certainly poor and have respectable jobs (like teachers!). Others are poor, live off welfare, can't seem to figure out the intricacies of birth control, and can't account for all their teeth. Even in their best dress, one can pick out mannerisms and patterns of speech that may be less attractive to the rich American male.
In an unknown culture with large proportions of gorgeous faces and figures - many of whom live in poverty, things become more complicated. If you want to get nerdly, you might read some stuff by Geert Hofestede (Software of the Mind). He talks about cultures on many continuums. One is a continuum of Individualistic vs. Collectivist culture. Much of Asia is more collectivist, where the needs of the family and community supercede the needs of the individual. You can see it in their languages where they have implied parts of speech for "insiders" and "outsiders". Another continuum is "high context to low context" speech. Westerners tend to try and verbalize or write everything we feel (like this forum!). Contrast that to what is "spoken" during a Japanese tea ceremony or all the time we take to develop guanxi over rice wine. This is all to say that, since Westerners have not grown up in the culture of one they might be dating, they will have a hard time ascertaining what is "off" about the behavior of a woman from another culture. Perhaps the best judge of a woman's character is a woman you trust from that same culture.
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Travellingteacher,
I am the one that has to thank you (again) for your posting. You actually state some important points here. In general, cross cultural understanding and relations will always be difficult. You mentioned some points, there are certainly many others to raise. But what is important is you, showing that if one would read and learn more about the history, culture, background as well as the language of the Asian before traveling / moving there, many problems could be indeed avoided.
I heard about the book before but have not had the time yet to read it. But thanks for the great recommendation, I will go tomorrow, after my Chinese lessons to search for it (how come, I got the feeling I will not find it here) haha.
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Just read the thread. Very interesting reading. According to the gossip in my Thai bar, the price of a dead Farang is 40 pounds stirling, more if you just want them injured! So much for the macho stuff. Have a look at the suicide rate in Pattaya of older Farangs. Most genuine, but some somehow jump from a building blindfolded with their hands and feet tied.
My minimal experience of Shanghai was to go for a drink in a bar with a mate, talk to two girls for 15 minutes, order 2 coffees, and get hit with a $2,000 bill for 2 beers, 2 coffee's and assorted stuff that we didn't even see. Then to be sat on by said bar girls and threatened by the bad guys. We got away with it as we cancelled the credit card but never again. We're very stupid and the next day went to eat in a restaurant with 2 girls we met. Again, 2 beers, coffees abd a plate of food, only to get the menus switched and a $900 bill. We finally learnt... Back to HK and some semblence of legality. In contrast, our daytime guide was the most delightful young student who refused to let us give her any payment for her time and effort. The moral is that no matter how well you know you home turf, China is a whole new ball game.
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To Manzi - yes what happened to you sucks, good thing you aren't married or have kids with her, heed Richard's advice, and next time keep your eyes wide open.
To Richard - you should host your own internet site "Shanghai Girls for Dummies: Instructions for Men in Asia" - lots of good info on what not to do, and how not to get taken, and what you should do if you do get taken.
To Donguan - Completley agree! Think with your brain and your a** won't get handed to you.
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