Posted by
sheep
19 yrs ago
Ive been an expat for 6 years now, during my first posting which lasted 4 years i was left alone most weeks with 3 children and no friends or family and i sank into depression.
I decided after 4 years to go home and me and my husband lived apart for 1 year during this time, but at least i had my family and friends around me though i missed my husband.
Now our move to china 1.5 years ago was promised no more travelling with his job, but its started again, every 2 weeks hes away for 5 or more days at a time, and when he's here he gets home late and has to work saturdays, so basically i feel really sad that for the past 6 years we hardly see each other and im the one raising the children alone.
And im just so sick of living this life, i just want a husband who works normal hours and who doesn't travel(which in his company he works for will always have to), i love him so much but im so misserable living this life, as i suffer with depression i don't feel like i can cope alone all the time with 3 kids, hes been with this company for 6 years and think he's so comfortable there that he doesn't really try to look else where where he will not have the travelling so much, i just feel second best to his job and this causes so many arguements between us, i don't know what to do, leave him when i love him but have my family and friends around, or stay with him and be misserable because i never see him? I know i am moaning on and on, but im sick of being unhappy and my life is ticking away for the past 6 years feeling like this, am i asking too much?
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sheep
19 yrs ago
1, he's a great father when he's around
2, as a husband he always brings his frustrations home with him hence raising his voice at me for any little reason.
Can't remember the last time he complemented me on something id done or the way i look.
Its always negative things said about me, that ive put on weight, don't organise things(our fanances) enough.
Let the kids get away with too much.
complain about too much.
So nothing possitive to say in the way he treats me, but i love him and don't want a divorce with 3 kids, but don't feel apreciated at all.
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I think your woes do not stem only from lack of time together, but moreso from lack of QUALITY time and real, open and constructive communication when he's around.
My husband loves his job as much, sometimes I, too, feel second priority over his career. We try to reach a compromise most times..
Is it possible for you to travel with him? You can follow during the end of the week when he finishes his work, and you can spend a mini-break every so often without the kids.
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nande
19 yrs ago
There is a thread just below that you should read into from a husband 'divorce or stay for the children', i cannot remeber most of the comments but feel the ones posted at the end could be relevent to you...
My suggestion is that you put the blinkers on for a while... be nice to him, totally selfless... indulge him, don't comfort eat, sort out the finances, count to five before you tell him the facts of your life, discipline the kids, dress up, make up, be the woman he loves and desires and maybe you will get the desired response...
Men need pampering too and probably alot more than women but that is my humble opinion.
He is supporting you... support him too.
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sheep
19 yrs ago
thank you for some good advice.
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I have been in the same situation for 12 years ever since we moved to Hong Kong. I came here for my husband and we were only supposed to stay for 3 years then return to the UK but he didn't want to go back so we are still here. I have 2 children which I have brought up on my own as he works late every night and Saturday's, like you I was stuck at home on my own night after night and got so lonely. When he was home he would tell me I had no control over the kids and should be a better wife and mother like his friends' chinese wivies! Then about 2 years ago I started going out with my friend once a week as I'd had enough of being lonely then I met someone else and have been with him since. He always pays me compliments, tells me he loves me and most of all wants to spend as much time as possible with me (none of these which my husband did) I am so lucky to have met someone who cares so much about me. So if you are so unhappy at home and your husband won't change then maybe it's time to decide what you want and leave him and get on with your life as lifes too short to be so unhappy! Good luck.
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nande
18 yrs ago
If you can offer him an escape from it all, if only for an hour, he will find the time for you... be once again his fantasy.
Have faith in yourself, be strong, be beautiful... and things will change...
Men are easily manipulated by their desires, child in toy shop scenario and in this town you need to make him want to avoid temptation.
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I sense that you have put on weight and no longer look sexy ..... That could be a turn-off for some husbands ........ To save your marriage, do positive things that enhance your self-image... Even though you have 3 kids, doesnt mean you shld not look good .... Assure you your husband will definitely change attitude ..
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Sheep, let me introduce you to Johnnie and Jack, they're great companions.
On a serious note, basically he's working to provide for your family and you should appreciate that...it took me awhile to realise this and now that I have, you start to look at things from a whole different perspective. I think this is a common prob for most expat wives. Find things to do, go to the gym, get massages, manicures, pedicures, facials, shopping and more shopping, learn the local language blah blah and the list goes on. Take holidays without your hubby and meet up with your girlfriends. When my hubby travels for business, I normally go to Thailand with our son, babysitters are cheap and plentiful, the shopping will take your mind of your hubby plus BKK have really great spas and dining options.
I have been keeping myself busy and found that I'm finally enjoying life here (I'm also in GZ). My girlfriends said I need a hobby but frankly speaking, there aren't any good looking guys around here:)
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sheep
18 yrs ago
Hi, I work part time so its not a case of not being busy, done the shopping and lunch thing for my first year here life got a little meaninless doing that so i got a job which i love,its ok weve had a good talk, it was more the fact that i didn't see him and when i did he was always in a bad mood and i got to think whats the point in being here, but fingers crossed we have sorted our feelings out and are both going to try a bit harder.
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I'm afraid my life will become like your husband's. I'm only 25, but since I started working in HK I work like 60+ hours a week, and havent had hardly any time/energy to meet new friends. Is it so simple to choose either a career or a family? It's hard to have a balance around here.
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I can't believe what I am reading. DO you realise that some people sound like we live in 1950?!
Ex;"Tell us 5 things you "admire" about your husband." "..sense that you have put on weight and no longer look sexy. That could be a turn-off for some husbands."..."basically he's working to provide for your family and you should appreciate that..."
"Mrs Sheep" it's obvious that your husband needs to appreciate you a little more, not the other way around. There is no excuse for a husband to belittle his wife let alone raise his voice at her. Nor vice versa. You are his equal and you deserve respect and appreciation for raising a family alone in a foreign country. Looking sexy isn't going to solve some very deep issues. How about a little more praise and sympathy for expat wives/moms girlfriends who sacrifice to be with their partners!?
It's not easy to be the expat wife and it is not asking too much to feel loved and not be second to a career! It is important to tell your husband how you feel but make sure you do so when you're not hurt and in an angry mood. Lots of communication and quality time together with and without the kids is needed! Good luck!
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Chia Chow,
I'm with you, the dialog of support for Sheep sounds to fundamentally patriarticle. I've lived in Asia for 2 years now and until recently, made a decision to take a job mostly based in HK. For a year and a half, I worked in China 6-7 days a week and made with the small satisfaction of making a great salary. Every time I came home, my wife and I had a harder anbd harder time relating, and fights usually marked the times when I when we had time together. I had to continually re-estblish my self as a father but really just felt like I was an extra in someone elses sitcom. We were on a collision course to seperation as the writing was one the wall. I had to make a decision. My family, or not. I am now working in job that pays half what I made before, but we are happy now. Big deal about the money, mainland work life for expats sucks!
Another note about your husband being over in mainland is the lure of the China honey. I had plenty of opportunities to make for sex with prostitutes or having a chinese girlfriend. I can say after a while, this proposition can ook very appetising. Especially if there is no connection between you and your wife. This is a choice about lifestyle. If its about money, its a hollow goal and your husband has made his choice.
I don't mean to be so black & white about it, but ultimately, the family just gets miserable beacuse everyone is just waiting for dad/ husband to finish what he's doing , because he's not a real family right now.
As for your feelings about him not being attracted to you, I understand this. My wife is very beautiful and a light happy spirit. When I was in the work situation last year, because I couldn't make a connection with her, sex was impossible. Everything was akward and frustrating. If your needy because he's been away and you need him so much, he's going to get turned off. If your ambivlent and confident, he's going to be completely miffed and be more attracted to you energy. That bullsh*t about more make-up and salon stuff- I doon't buy it.
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Wow, I can't believe I only just found this thread! Been there, done that (also in Guangzhou) and felt exactly the same way. I can understand it from the guys point of view too, as for a further 2 years husband only returned to Hong Kong at weekends and with kids + brand new baby life wasn't much fun all round. Eight years down the line, we are at least living in the same country, but there's an awful lot more give and take. I have become a lot more self-sufficient/independent and have a great network of friends with like-minded relationships for support, however this was not neccessarily the type of marriage I imagined. Every relationship is different and you have to decide exactly what you want from yours. Sometimes partnerships vary greatly from the norm (if there is such a 'sit-com' idealised norm) and from what you originally set out hoping for, but that's not to say you can't move the goalposts and reorganize a lifestyle that suits you eg. if it's feasible, more short breaks away together in between work travel, more nights out just the two of you. It's bl**dy hard work at times, but with marriages you get back what you put into it. The key to success is being yourself, liking yourself and being in this relationship because you want to be - not have to be. Although archaic comments from the Valley of the Dolls bunch above are hardly useful in building self-esteem..........what rot!
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sheep
18 yrs ago
Royster whatever, i do not overeat in fact i don't eat buggar all, its hitting the 30's that ive put on weight, only a size 12 so im not some fat cow thank you, i also work full time so don't live off my husband like many expats choose to do, i don't have to work but want to put something into the bank everymonth, im not a whinger, i just wnat to see my husband as thats the whole f***ing point i here living the other side of the world
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sheep
18 yrs ago
Royster its a shame some people have this dark ages attitude, this is modern days where it takes 2 to make a marriage work not the woman at the husbands feet saying everything is fine when its not just to keep him. As his wife i have needs to and if they are not met never mind him going off with someone else beacause i would probably end up doing that myself.
And with him doing it isn't such a worry as its all he does is critise people who do as his words are "its so obvious they are just there for the money". I knwo he doesn't choose not to have a life by working working working 6 days a week, since this thread WE have both agreed when the contracts up he will find something outside china where we can be based closer to his work and he will have to travel less, so things are great between us now WE are both making the effort to make this as easy on both parties until we both leave. As this is a life for a single man not one married with 3 kids and he agrees with this also.
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sheep
18 yrs ago
Look things are sorted we have talked a lot and things are fine between us as we have agreed to put an end to this life once his contact ends as far as im concerned this thread is finished and forgotten about, finish talk from me.
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Kek
18 yrs ago
Good!
Many people are tired of actually seeing their Husbands.
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:-D Kek, i had to laugh at your comment, it's SO true - growing up as a u.n. brat, i'd watch my mom count the days till my dad left for the occasional mission - it was the only time she could get together with her girl friends and play marathon mah jong, or putter around the the house and garden to her heart's content, or just read uninterrupted for hours.
sheep, good for you girl, glad you and your husband came to an agreement to prioritize your lives together - best of luck.
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sheep your problem is just you have huge self pity to yourself, i had that problem before, my husband always travel too,if hes here he always overtime in the office go home late at night, always dinner out for 6 months i started become so demanding and complain alot, we dont have baby, im alone at home, he always check me at home he does'nt want me to go out at night, go to bar,so my life is so misearable,torture, then i find out that his one officemate is his girlfriend.... its hurt but i need to find for it,i start moving on, i look myself on the mirror then i ask myself what is the problem? then i knew there is a problem, im not the girl he love before, everything was change, no excitement, so what i did instead of complaining, get mad at him, i go to gym 3 times a week then swimming the rest of my time, make myself pretty, go to salon, spa, as long as its help me to maintain my beauty, i go for it.i spend my life making myself perfect, then when i saw myself back on the mirror after 3 months of trying hard to be a wonderful wife..... 3 months of sufferring never tell to him that i knew everthing, i am ready to tell, that im ready to leave him.... i wear nice sexy clothes that night, and i have nice dinner at home with him, after that i give him a very desirable s*x, after that moment, i started talking with him..... he was shock! and i said, im ready to leave...... he was in tears i tell how long i suffer not to tell him but tonight is over,he ask me and beg me not to leave, he broke up his gf using 3 lines phone and i was listening, now im still together with him but sometimes its happen i still have feelings that he still doing bad on my back, so all the girls dont let your body ruin by yrs... be sexy and pretty all the time......dont make to much arguments, because husband tired working all day then he go home and you nugg him so thats why they are trying to find over girl to comfort them.... remember mistress are very good to treat man than wife.because that is thier rules of being a mistress
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ok i look that movie on the dvd shop.... and i tell you.....miss P
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holin
18 yrs ago
everything gonna be fine:)
the strom carry rain
but so does sunshining and rainbow
isnt it:)
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i had that situation, we my partner and i live in hk before, but the standard of living is to high, so he decided to find a new job then after a month of searching he found shanghai, he have a good money in shanghai, so we move to shanghai, i left my carrer in hongkong then arrive in shanghai i cannot find a job for my self i was stucuk up at home, then he become so extremely busy to much travel never see me anymore.... his life is plane and hotel, he just stay for me 2weeksis the longest time at home..... i get bored waiting, and i find it so difficult for me, my feelings change, no more banding, everytime he go home his tired jetlag, until now, i have a regrets why i let hime choose the better job good money, but no more time for me at all.....
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