Posted by
leanna20
14 yrs ago
I'd appreciate some advice, please.
I am feeling particularly down and vulnerable at the moment.Have just been rejected by a guy- he was very nice about not wanting to go out on a date,and I was gracious in return, but am feeling terrible as a result.I know that I approached him in a light-hearted way, and wasn't too 'heavy'.As I don't get asked out very often, I had rather built up my hopes of this encounter lasting perhaps a few dates, but know that my feeling of disappointment is out of proportion.
I've been to a christening this month, another party where friends brought along new babies, and have had news of other friends getting married / having a baby.I feel so lost and hopeless- I can't even get a date, and feel- in my late 30's- that there's so little time left to meet the right person.
I have lots of friends, get invited to lots of things, and know people like me, and men find me quite attractive- but most men I know are married, gay, attached- and I'm not going down the route of having affairs.
I feel so utterly unwanted, and wonder what's wrong with me, and if there's any way out of feeling so low.I can't talk to my friends- they'd be amazed to know I feel like this, as I know I don't project this kind of negativity on a daily basis.In any case, I can't talk about it without getting upset.
Please help.
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Just my opinion but I believe that it is living in hong Kong that is like this for you, there s not so many options as in other cities. It is such a different life here even for girls who are supremely attractive the guys are more shallow or prefer asians or something just in my own experiences. Believe in yourself no matter what but really perhaps going somewhere other than HK or asia would provide better opportunity in this regard.
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Also try talking to your friends or to start by calling anonymous help such as samaritans or something, you really need to do this put your feeling out in the open so that others who care about you can help you
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I enjoy your posts rititt!
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leanna20,
Late 30s is not too late if you are educated and down to earth; I know a lot of middle aged and older charming men who are looking for a woman they can have a real conversation with and definitely not looking for a 20-something air head.
Occasional disappointment is normal ... they key is not to get fixated on one man, because rejection is part of life. (Frankly, I don't feel sympathy for you on this point, because I am sure you rejected a lot of men to get to your late 30s unmarried. ) Now the tables are turned, and you need to assess your situation, and be realistic about who you target.
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Don't worry 'Capt Dave'- I wasn't looking for sympathy on that point,in fact I made it clear in my post that he was nice about it, I was nice about it, and that my disappointment was out of proportion.I think that was obvious.Please don't make judgements about what's happened in my romantic life, because you don't know.
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Bica
14 yrs ago
Hi Leanna,
You are not alone. I am 40s, turned single after my husband passed away two years ago. I was too settled for too long in a marriage. It is hard to come back to the dating market at this age. I looked around. As you said, most men are married. I started to chat with people online to deal with my loneliness. Unexpectedly I developed a really close relationship with a man. I let him come closer to my heart than any men I could meet here. He helped me come out of grief and put a smile back to the my face. At the same time, it was a rough relationship when two people could not meet. After many weeks of negative communication, we have come to an end officially last Friday. I have exactly the feeling of being unwanted now. It is out of proportion too as I knew it would not work almost from the beginning. I just let myself soaked in it.
Well, we must be in charge of our own happiness. I am trying to put my attention somewhere else. Shopping is always nice. Very often, I do not buy much but just enjoy browsing around. I am also planning on a trip. Don't know where but just want to get away. This week may be tough but I am sure that brighter days are coming. Let's keep our chins up, girl.
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I am paraphrasing a quote here: Men are like trains, never run after the one that just left because there is another one right around the corner.
You sound kind and sincere and those are rare and special qualities that another kind and sincere man will see in you. Go out and have fun! There are lovely and interesting men all over HK. Society says you need to meet "the one" by the time you're in your 30s, but I know loads of gorgeous, single women in their 30s who are having the time of their life. Just take it one day at a time!
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Loneliness can be hard to bear! having a relationship or being married will have its fair share of heartache and disappointments. its very tiring trying to "find" the right person, enjoy this single and dating part of your life for im sure you will look back someday and miss it, when mr right turns up. bear in mind tho, there is no happily ever after! SMILE!! :)
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If you are attractive, how could you not even get a date?
I think you are an admirablely brave woman to approach a man first, not many women have the courage to do that. But failure is not at all a bad thing, men are mentally stronger than women because they had so much experience as a chaser and learnt to deal with failure while we women did not. Rejection can only help you be stronger.
a piece of advice, when you got stagnant in routine life, just make some change, either location or whatever. Spend some time travelling and grab yourself back
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yanfangyf
Sorry but disagree with you on 'men are mentally stronger than women' saying. In general, when it come to real crisis, women always come out stronger than men.
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Viper342. That's correct (and I'm a man). Sound evolutionary reasons for this. Men are basically expendible whereas women are not.
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Yup pressures from family and friends suck- like the whole world is pushing you to find a dude. (But geez, really, look around..) But ain't we all know and have learned from mistakes that- anything out of desperation is too negative to last long. Relax, and take the time alone to listen to your inner self. Well everything happens for a reason. So keep your chin up.
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Tune
14 yrs ago
"Please don't make judgements about what's happened in my romantic life, because you don't know."
In my opinion, with an ability to make such snappy comments it's no wonder, viz. You asked for advice, there's mine!
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Most people value constructively worded opinions Tune and the original comment was not snappy.Note use of 'Please'.I would only comment constructively myself, and that wasn't a constructive comment.You are the one who appears 'snappy'- if you don't mind me saying.
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Tune
14 yrs ago
I heartily agree (sharonlou), the truth can often appear a trifle untoward.
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Just a piece of advice to lonely women:
when you are lonely, you become easy prey to men who just wants sex, or men who just needed their ego boosted. Men can smell the female loneliness and the female desperation!
Go shopping, get a dog!
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Tune > the original snappy comments were directed at me. I made the exact same observation as you, but I said nothing, because I felt the OP was not really open to honest advice. You were a little bolder - good on you.
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Tune
14 yrs ago
"Men can smell the female loneliness and the female desperation!" -thus many girls willingly act and take advantage of such.
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Tune and Cpt Dave- you can hand it out, but you can't take it back, can you? Have seen some of your posts to other problems on this site, Cpt Dave, one in which you describe some women as being 'weak- minded'.This can apply to both sexes, you know.You sound like a pair of bitter old misogynists.
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a country like China is good for woman as here the sex ratio seems 7 to 1 woman You wont be lonely here .
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I believe I was referring to women who feel the need to chase married men as weak minded. If you wish to defend them, that's your prerogative.
I have found there are very few real misogynists left nowadays, There are however, toxic people of both sexes.
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Don't despair - Rejected by man I thought was "it" but turned out to be a wxxxer, met Mr Nice Guy (yes! In HK), fell pregnant, beautiful child and man now in my life all after the ripe old age of 42! Be positive and happy... you never know what is around the corner.
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The one trend I notice most in women that can't seem to find the right guy is that they care too much and are generally lacking in self esteem/confidence.
As my wife says, change for you, no one else. If you feel there is something wrong, there might be. Question is, how are you going to deal with that?
What do you think is wrong? Can you fix it? If not, can you come to terms with it and find your happiness?
First, you need to honestly asses what is wrong. Once you figure this out, think of possible solutions. If they are out of your reach or simply require too much, resolve to come to terms with it.
I am not an excessively attractive man. One of the facts that makes me less attractive is my weight. I can accept it, mostly because I can do something about it. Another fact is the loss of hair. It is possible it is related to the weight, but there is nothing I can really do about it. . . So. . . I came to terms with it.
Understanding what you can and can't accept about yourself and dealing with it in a positive manner will help your self-image, esteem and confidence. Once you feel good about yourself, don't worry about men, they will come.
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