Posted by
annasaigon
19 yrs ago
Hi, I’m new on the forum…
Here’s my problem. I’m based in Vietnam (have been for 11 years) and like lots of countries in this part of the world, relationships are difficult.
I met this guy not long ago, who’s here for an 18 month project. We work in the same company but not together, and I really like him. But the problem is that he’s not planning on staying here once he’s done with his project, and will leave in December.
The thing is, as much as my continent of adoption is Asia, his is Africa – he was based in Abidjan for 10 years and only came here because he had no choice but to leave. He likes me – so he says – but he doesn’t want to date because he is – quoting him – “not my answer”. The worst part is, I know he’s right: his agenda and mine are totally different. After he’s done here, he will quit his job and go back to Africa, to build schools and hospitals. As much as I admire his plans and his dedication to a great cause, I can’t see myself doing this. I’m a lot more selfish than that, and I want to continue living (well) here, start a family, and get my dream house in France (yes well, I’m 36, and that b****y biological clock is ticking).
I try to keep our fling as casual as possible, but it’s beginning to get to me. I want to see him more and spend more time with him, and – I know it sounds terrible – I would to love to have a totally sober conversation with him – I have told him that. We usually end up spending the night together after a long evening out. And in the morning, we each go back to our normal self, like nothing happened…
What do I do??????????
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shaq
19 yrs ago
I'm afraid you can do nothing. I guess he 'rocks your boat' so well that you can't resist him. Yet, your selfishness, as you put it, is getting a better part of you and he isn't going along with that.
Well, enjoy the ride, while it lasts. As you may have found out, the (black) Africans are good when it comes to 'riding that boat' ... isn't it? Hahaha!!! .... Just kidding :P.
ShaQ
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Forgot to mention, he was based in Africa, but is a real Irish, 100% red hair and bred on Guinness...!
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Thanks Ms Blondie, you are absolutely right, that's how I'm thinking, I can't help hoping that I will be the one who will make him do a 180 and renounce his plans...
To be honest, up to now, I've been using him as much as he's been using me, but that's not enough anymore...
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3 choices--
1. Live with the status quo-- he was honest enough to tell you you're not the one, so live with it. If you truly enjoy his company, you can still continue doing what you're doing, BUT always remember he is not a keeper.
2. Stay away from him if you can't keep your emotions and expectations in check.
3. Find someone else
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And then the problem becomes... where do I find a man? To be honest, there aren't many available guys around here. Either they're all settled, with family & co (quite a few of them at my age) or they refuse to look at a western woman (a vast majority). So when you find one, you want to try and keep him...
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"so when you find one, you try and keep him"--- are you just settling for whoever is available?
If finding a partner is a priority (while you hear your bio clock tickinh away), is it an option to be transferred elsewhere or go back home?
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Hi Anna of SaiGon:
As a fellow Foreigner in VietNam I am wondering if part of your 'problem' is your living/working 'environment'?
Do you live in one of those walled Foreigner enclaves and work in an equally isolated workplace?
I have always declined my employer paid 'isolation pads' and have consistently opted for accommodation within the general community, although maintaining my home country lifestyle, whereas some work colleagues have seized the uplift in living standards opting for the car+driver, 'glassbox' lifestyle.
There are striking attitudinal differences between those two lifestyles and the people who adopt them.
Have you explored the alternate lifestyle to the one you live? Maybe your future partner is living there?
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Annebin, being tranferred is not an option as i work for a local company and going home... well, I've tried it in the past, and look at me, I'm back, and not ready to leave. Workwise, I couldn't have it any better. And no I'm not settling for whoever is around, when I say "when you find one", I mean one that is worth trying to make it work.
Daklak, I don't live in one of the expat ghettos, but having been here so long, my friends are a lot of those expats who have been here as long as I have, and after all this time, it doesn't really matter whether they live in Phu Nhuan or An Phu anymore. I don't have the expat package, I live in town, and take a Xe Om to go to work. Quite frankly, I don't care much for this category of expats who only come here for the paycheck and stay in their bubble. But I haven't turned Vietnamese either, and do enjoy the Western lifestyle.
Ms Blondie, yep, hate to admit that you are probably right... Thanks!
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In that case, why not go local as LO suggested?
You obviously love it there, you enjoy your job, and have assimilated into the Vietnamese culture (I am assuming).
Have you tried finding guys online and pursuing an LDR?
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Local... well not really, the cultural differences are still too great.
This is still a very traditional culture and they themselves would not even consider going out with a western woman, they don't quite approve of all the girls dating and marrying western men.
Also, I'm not sure a Vietnamese man would take the fact that I would probably be making more money than him are too well, and there's no way I would one day consider moving in with in-laws and take care of them for the rest of my life! - very very macho country.
And quite frankly... they are generally not very good looking, with horrendous dental hygiene and insuffurable habits like spitting everywhere and eating like pigs.
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Come live here for a while and then get back to me!
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dhee
19 yrs ago
annasaigon, we don't have to come live there to understand how you feel. i believe most of us here had experienced the same thing. it's just as simple as this : we met some guys, we had different agendas, we were not meant to be together. that's it. if you have figured out what you want, definitely he is NOT your answer. be brave, move on. time will heal. all we need to learn is just be tough, be patient. don't we have to kiss some frogs before we meet our princes charming? whatever happens now, take it as a lesson to make us more mature. hold you head up high, tell him... oooh now gooo! walk out the door! just turn around now, you are not welcome anymore...!
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"And quite frankly... they are generally not very good looking, with horrendous dental hygiene and insuffurable habits like spitting everywhere and eating like pigs."
...i just lost all respect for you. you can't think of a more tactful way to just say "not my type"? and here i was feeling sorry for you.
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if he is a real good company of you, keep him until dec. yet make sure you're easy-going and won't tear yourself apart while he is not around. Think carefully, are you sure he is your mr.right in life long?
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Hmmm..... gingernuts.........great with a cuppa.
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Tutti.....tsk........such a filthy mind.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
please dun jet miss saigon's thread...well i am not bother to argue with some posters here cos i never win. :)
Ok, back to miss france / miss saigon. sure this guy has stated that he is just for "fun" and he will expires in December. i doubt he ever wants you to go back to Africa with him! so this is NOT an option. If you really want to have babies and a house in south of france, think you better go back and find the father. you cannot have everything. Even i am a local in Hong kong, i find it is not easy to find another half...it is just not easy everywhere now.
Not only most vietnamese are unattractive (as your comment), there might be africans that might be unattrative as well, so please do not put a "quoted" on certain nations.
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Tutti- true.
Hang on, he expires in December? Poor chap.
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David Caruso? Not my cuppa I'm afraid.
I do have a cousin who is ginge though, rather unfortunate looking as a child. However, he is now 20 and seems to have grown into himself and dare I say it is quite a hunk. The hair is more an auburn brown rather than the Ronald McDonald hue of his youth.
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Fair point Zelda. So do old people. Can't win really.
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JC - there is no accounting for taste. I like men with no hair so I can hardly throw stones.
Tutti - wee is not rude, kiddies say it. I did meet a woman called Wee once......sounds like the beginning of a limmerick.
There was a young woman called Wee,
Who's knickers got caught up a tree.....
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