Help me, does it bother you as well if your bf/gf always has to mention his/her ex(s)? e.g. when we go out together to places, he would often times pointed out that "oh, xx and I named this beach such and such". He seems enjoy telling me stories of what they did together (with two of his ex). My head is telling me what happened between him and his ex(s) is past for him, however my feelings (maybe ego) is somewhat hurt, by the fact that suddenly it seems what we're doing together is not so special anymore, beasue he has been there done that. Is it a bad judgement from his side to do so or is he trying to send me a message? Please don't tell me to go ask him cos I would feel silly of doing so.
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By the way, anyone knows how to move a thread from "Women's Only" to here?
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he is insensitive and tactless. it's entirely up to you if you want to put up with it or not.
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What can I do if I don't want to put up with it? kick him in the butt (just kidding), or tell him nicely that I don't want to hear about his ex(s)? I do believe in that two adults should be able to talk about anything, by telling him not to talk about his ex(s), does it risk that mutual understanding?
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He is not the insensitive type, which leads to my suspicion that he maybe is trying to send me a message that just because we have gone out together and slept together for several months does not necessarily make me someone special? Maybe talking about ex(s) is a guy's polite and subtle way of communicating his end of the feeling of what state relationship is in. How about the possibility that he is not totally over with his ex(s)?
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Jo Jo
18 yrs ago
Try to learn why he has broken up with his ex girlfriends and the things his ex gf`s did and annoyed him..You may go into his soul and mind and learn more about him..maybe he is not doing it intensionally..maybe he is very emotional and things you do together reminds him those good times he had with them too which is not that bad..
Don`t tell him that you don`t want to hear about his exes if you are not sure if he is doing it intensionally..
Don`t worry! He is with you,not with them anymore.
Good luck..
Jo
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Sigh... Relationships, can't live without, yet so mind boggling, can't believe I'm losing sleep over it. Had to knock my head and ask gee, am I "in love" or something.
Anyway, thank you all for responding, Jo Jo, rittit, VOR, considering it's only couple hours before the day break! got to get some sleep!
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Nemesis -- yes, I should ask, but can't bring myself to do it. His ex left him for wealthier someone else, he loved her and was still deeply hurt when we first met. He is an emotional person. I don't know if him talking about ex had anything to do with the fact that he still had feelings for his ex.
I can't ask, as I see it as being vocal about my own insecurity.
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blaze
18 yrs ago
If a guy was still deeply hurt by his ex girlfriend when you first met him, why are you surprised when he continues talking about her when you start going out? The first mistake is to even consider him datable material.
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Nemesis - You're spot on. I'm not sure about the depth of this relationship. And again, I won't ask. Just as I will never propose to a guy, I'll not be the first to say the L-word Imagine how he'll react, God, what happens next, I'm supposed to commit and he is supposed to commit? I'm freaked out already.
blaze - If it was a mistake to even consider him datable material, it's too late to correct. I think I fell for him after all these months. Still don't want to, but can't help it. His ex did not really bother me at the beginning. I don't know why I get touchy and sensitive when I start to care.
rititt - I think it has more to do with the respect than courage. When he is ready, he is ready, when he is not, he is not. Last thing I want to do is to make him feel "obligated" because I asked, which I'm sure he will stop if I asked. Am I conflicting myself? If so, forgive me. Help me think.
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Ha ha, dead fish he is. We're having dinner tonight. I'm going to fry this fish to my heart's content.
Indeed, respect should be a two way street!
Got go, have a good one, guys, and thanks!
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blaze
18 yrs ago
If you've been dating and seeing each other for a few months, it's only fair to ask where this is heading. Good luck Josephine.... hope you get the answer you want tonight!
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bonna
18 yrs ago
The ex-files thing?
yes happen to me once, I broke up with the girl I dearly loved, and met another one; since I was deeply in love with my ex, I always tell the new gf how we used to call each other, what she likes to eat or even how weused hold each other in public, but I don’t know why she never complained seriously, though she occasionally says “that’s good, but I don’t want to hear it any more”
So, after 2yrs I broke up with the new gf again, felt free for not having any one by my side to care about, but still found my self being in love with my ex (1), and told my self to take a rest for a while and play around for some time, till I get to erase her from my mind, months passed, wasn’t any change.
a year after I broke up with ex (2), on my normal routine as a freelance, met one girl who is exceptionally beautiful but nervous when she meet me, care if I have eaten enough, and some times call me and talk to me for hours.
Yes, things started getting serious b/n us and I reduced the number of girls I meet. Slowly my heart started getting warmed by this girl, meeting her 2-3 days in a week, after 8wks of dating we officially announced to each other that we do get along. And I said goodbye to all the other girls and took this one as a new gf. BUT, I started talking about the ex(1) again, and brought out all the ex-files, one after another and she was v. v. uncomfortable, and one day she just invited me for a beautyfull dinner and started talking on a dinner.
She said “I hope you do love me as much as I love you”
I said “yes, even more than you love me” which I thought it was true
she said “ ok, I am really NOT comfortable to hear what you have done with your ex(1) or ex(2) I had my own time too, so from now on would you mined if we only talk about us when love is concerned” but she knew I talk nothing about the ex(2).
I said “ok I will try not to”
she said “please don’t ever again”
yes gradually stopped talking about my ex(1) after few weeks stopped thinking about her,
almost by our 6 month anniversary I closed the entire ex-files, after three and half yrs.
Now 6years with my girl no ex thing, every thing is good at present, I am planning to propose sometime around this Christmas.
NOW when I think back, I wasn’t really in love with ex(2), but just because she was nice to me and listen to me, I taught I was, but when I met the one who I really love I stopped about my ex(1) though there was a push in it, but it worked, she did not change my brain, things changed because I found her.
So my advise to josefine2005 is that try to talk to him, don’t worry just tell him how jealous or uncomfortable you are when he comes up with his ex thing. Either he will stop and take you as I took my gf, or he may take you like I took ex(2), just to listen to him, he thinks he likes you but in other way. So you better do it soon.
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lulu
18 yrs ago
i think i also mention a lot of my ex, we been out for too long and been dones so much stuff. I will mention him whenever i met anyone new...is there a problem??..
If you meet someone you like to talk and you have to be reminded what you allow to talk, why i bother to go out with that person?
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lulu
18 yrs ago
nah to be exact, I just mention about my ex.:i will not talk about him as a person, i will talk about things that i'done, like travelling, shopping, or housing, that might been involving him cos we just been together for so long. I will not talk about his personality and what he did at work or what he done....actually i have not talk to my ex for a long time, i dunno what to talk about him anymore, hahaha...
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blaze
18 yrs ago
So how did the talk go Josephine? Hope you managed to get a clearer idea where you stand?
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hello, guys, I'm here.
Nemesis - I did ask!
You know what, got some honest answers, the truth is darn hard to swallow.
Don't know what to say, don't know what to think at this moment. Girlfriend is out of the country beyond reach, I'm here by myself.
You know, when I was not careful, I missed a step and fell for someone. There were good days that were really good like I was in the cloud, and there are dark days like now, it's really bad.
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blaze
18 yrs ago
Ok now you know the answer, so it's time to move on. No point dragging it out if his heart just isn't open to it. Be strong my dear, and good luck!
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Keimochi - Not exactly, he is not in love with his ex (or so he said), but the problem is he is not in love with me either (he did not say explicitly, he did say he needs time, we need time).
It stinks. Merde. Sorry have to vent.
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blaze - seems like an easy way out, hum, just get out. But... should I be more understanding, give some time, see where it goes?
I'm not particularly looking for committment (I mean marriage or life partner type of committment), because I am not ready for one either. Just think when two people are in this relationship thing together, it should be 100%.
Seems like endless dilemma. Stay or get out????
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And, just want to add that this is a great forum, you guys have been great. Although everyone seemed to be faceless ID, but you're so easy to talk to, and some do give sensible comments.
I think I need to close this thread now, feel guilty of taking up everyone's time and attention on my stuff.
This talking about ex thing turned out to be something else, something bigger for me to sort out than puzzling over what's in his mind.
Thanks, all.
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But it does not sound like he is in this relationship 100%. Why waste your time on a person who is not that interested in you?
I predict a heartbreak thread in 3 weeks time.
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Didn't know I can't close a thread. Hey, might as well carry on. Can't concentrate on doing anything.
Vulvic - wasting time on a person not all that interested in you is like grabbing a straw when drowning, I guess, human instinct, no rationalization, as a Chinese or is it Indian saying goes love blinds our eyes.
We all hope for the best, well, got to prepare for the worst, a heartbreak, but in three weeks time? Why so soon?
Keimochi - you have a big heart, I appreciate the cheering. Yes, I'll be there for him for a little while for the reason I just said to Vulvic (I'm grabbing the straw). However I highly suspect one can "make" someone head over heals in love with her. Love is a chemistry, you can argue love can be cultivated, but you got to have that feeling and chemistry and a little luck to start with, and what complicates things is that it involves not only one person, but two.
Seems tough work for me, never attempted. How would you guys do it? Certain things came to my mind as I type, boob job, round up my bum, shake off some pounds and be bonier, dye my hair to his liking, sign up yoga so I can bend 360 degrees for him, ha ha, or something serious, change to a less demanding job so I can be more avaialble, pick up cooking class to get to his heart through his stomach....
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rititt - A little short of one year now, had some ups and downs, downs eventually led to better ups. I didn't see anyone else, he didn't either since we met. It was not by design or agreement though. It just happened that I didn't want to and he did not either. I never introduced him as bf/partner in situations like formal gatherings as it seemed to me a big thing and we never discussed it, and I didn't want to be the one to bring up the discussion.
Sigh, yup, I guess I had secretly or rather subconciously been hoping he would some day miss one step (as I did) and fell for me (as I did for him).
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blaze
18 yrs ago
josephine, ever heard of this word- rebound? I'd advise you to steer clear. He clearly hasn't healed completely from his last relationship. And until he has, his heart will be too full of the ex to be open to someone else. It's not you, it's him. You can't win a heart if it's not available to start with, and nothing you do will change that. And given that it's been one year, he has more than adequate time to get to know you enough to know whether he wants more. All the signs are really NOT positive.
But then again, I can see from your posting that you won't be receptive to this advice. Ok if you really want to try, go for it. But don't forget that you're taking a calculated risk. So set a time frame. If nothing changes in 2-3 months, you've done all you can and it's best to just move on.
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blaze
18 yrs ago
Mature relationship? So this is what mature relationships are about- one year of dating without progress. keimochi, are you sure you haven't confused "mature" with "screwed up"?
IMO, if love hasn't developed a certain time period of dating, it's unlikely to do so. And one year is way past that mark. Best to cut your losses and just move on.
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blaze
18 yrs ago
rititt, scroll up and reread the postings. They've certainly passed the sex stage.
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blaze
18 yrs ago
"He is not the insensitive type, which leads to my suspicion that he maybe is trying to send me a message that just because we have gone out together and slept together for several months does not necessarily make me someone special?"
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What, rititt, are you kidding or are you serious?
I forgive you for spreading the rumor of "a woman who doesn't want sex", the earlier posting will prove quite the contrary. Just kidding. Your above advice has been tried a month into the dating. If your advice is to start all over again, I need something new!! No, let's not get into there, don't want to be banned :)
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rititt, at least you cared to respond. As for the credit worthiness of your advice, how shall I say, em, em...
I'm giving you a hard time. Forgive me.
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blaze - thanks for pointing out to rititt.
It's hard to just cut the cord and move on, after all these months. Everything was so perfect, candle lit dinners, walk on the white sand beach, counting the stars... his gentle touch, all the laughters and tears together...all the wild stuff we've done together...
Chute, move on, and to where?
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How many of you out there would do the same as I am contemplating doing, which is to hang in there for the day he falls for me, knowing that may or may never happen?
Am I the only fool?
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blaze
18 yrs ago
ok Josephine, if you want to try and make him fall for you, go for it. No point asking anyone in this thread if your heart is already set on it. Good luck!
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rittit - Peace out :)
keimochi - again thanks for the cheering. I'm going to hang in there, no cord cutting, at least for now.
blaze - I need that good luck, and thanks. At the end, I may be bruised, but it is just me. And I'll remember that you guys did warn!
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rittit - Peace out :)
keimochi - again thanks for the cheering. I'm going to hang in there, no cord cutting, at least for now.
blaze - I need that good luck, and thanks. At the end, I may be bruised, but it is just me. And I'll remember that you guys did warn!
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vibe
18 yrs ago
Hi there
Obviously I don't know much about your relationship but as a man I can provide a little insight as to reasons or explanations why men talk about their ex-girlfriends with current love interests.
Generally, men should NEVER do it. I generally don't like talking about ANY women, not my female friends, not my mother, and certainly not any ex-girlfriends. Men should aspire to make women feel special, to make them feel like they're the only woman in their lives. He's doing the exact opposite.
He's doing it for one of these reasons, and it very much depends on exactly what he says about the ex-gfs.
1) He still has feelings for an ex-girlfriend. My understanding from your posts is that he has talked about more than 1 woman so I don't see this as particularly likely.
2) He is dropping hints on things he would like you to do or be. This is a powerful tool, particularly as it injects elements of jealousy. He could be doing this cleverly and deliberately, or subconsciously. Listen to what is being said: "an ex-girlfriend used to do XYZ in bed (which I really liked)", etc.
3) He is socially pretty unintelligent. He is only making conversation, and should not be doing it. This is what I see as the most likely case. Just ask him to make an effort not to do it, you needn't look into it too much.
The only real problem is in case 1), and as long as he is saying he doesn't have feelings for any ex-girlfriends then you are in the clear. That he said he hasn't yet fallen in love with you and that you "need more time" is a comment with absolutely no meaning. That is the course any relationship naturally heads down. In my opinion, it's just his lack of social intelligence evident again.
My advice, just ask him to try not to mention his ex-girlfriends to you, just as you don't mention your ex-boyfriends. Don't overthink things, have fun, and just let the relationship take it's natural course. There is no reason for panic, it takes time to fall for people, as it should.
Good luck.
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Well, guys, I'm back again, posted another thread.
For this ex thing, I am closing the chapter.
He was fixing something for me yesterday and blurred out "I got this for xx (his ex), but she didn't use it, you can have it for (this thing I'm fixing)". That was it, it's more like an insult than insensitivity. I would never handover my ex's T-shirt to him and say "hey, baby, this would fit you nicely, my ex doesn't wear anymore, now you can have it".
Jesus. Have to vent. No point to even bother again to "heart-to-heart" talk to figure out why his ex has always to be brought up. It will be a bigger fool to hang in any longer.
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Meems
18 yrs ago
yeah, chuck him. He's obsessed with this exes or he wants to brag that he had so many exes. That guy is a loser, if you stay with him then you will be a even bigger loser yourself.
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