Time to let go

Its difficult, at the best of times to " let go: when a relationships flounders.


Rationale goes out the window and the partner who never read wants all the books etc.


A friend is just going through this; all ( the person) can think of is revenge......its seems so negative and "spite" is certainly not the solution,its the cousin of jealousy and implies control.


Its over and learning to let go is what we are working on right now.


This is my advice ( for what its worth) I am not saying its right but here is what we are working on.


Learning to let go , seems to me is accepting that its over, looking it at it from a realistic perspective, "no one has died and its not an uncurable disease" allthough some people make it out to be that.


Its also shortlived, think of all the broken relationships and how after a few years you can't remember what actually posessed you to be( never mind sleep) with the person.


I think we have seen too many movies and expect too much........life(my opinion) is for living, each problem is a learning curve, accept everything life thows at you " jump the net will apear"


and in a few years time you may see them in the steet with their new or your new partner,say hello and move on "thats life"


lee du ploy

The problem of "letting go" lies mostly when you are the one being dumped. From the other side of the fence (I stopped being dumped before I was 20, and I have never being dumped ever since) I can tell (as the victim of) that all this revenge and hatred usually comes from denial.


Yes, denial. We all want to be the hero in the movie that is our lives. We don't want to think that we were dumped because we were not good enough, I guess. In my cases, I dumped lots of people and, at the end, for them, is all about putting the blame anywhere but in its rightful place: Themselves.


Maybe I am changing the topic, but I believe we all recover from pain in our very own way and there is no universal formula to make us all feel better. Instead, I wish people could find a way to avoid being dumped.


That is why the first question that comes my way when I dump someone is "is there someone else?". How about changing this to "can you tell me what I did wrong?" or "is there anything I can do to fix this?".


Again, I have almost no experience being dumped, but as a "dumper" I sure won't change my mind when the "dumpee" say things like "well, is your fault too" or make scenes or cry. Also, I think that when you dump someone is because you already gave plenty of chances to that person. You don't dump someone for no reason.

TXCowboy - Interesting point of view.


My two cents:


The problem with getting dumped is either bout ego, or a personal connection you have with the other. Ego is investment in self - the personal connection is the emotional inestment you make in another. Your post seems one dimensional - it only addresses ego. However, I agree with your comment that its the dumpee that has the problem - obviously because a decision someone else has unilaterally made is detrimental to them - either in terms of ego, personal connection, or both.


Relationships are risk. You put yourself out there, in the hope you'll find a connection (or whatever else may motivate you). I think that is the whole point of the dating exercise...


But then I came acros the line: "I stopped being dumped before I was 20 and I have never been dumped since".


Well, since getting dumped is a unilateral decision - it seems to me that the only way anyone could possibly avoid getting dumed on a long term basis is one of the following:


1. Living the life of a celibate;

2. Limiting any involvement to the superficial; or

3. Getting out at the first sign of turbulance.


"You don't dump a person for no reason" - mmm... is avoiding any possibility of getting hurt a valid reason?

Hello lastmanstanding.


Thanks for threading on my comment. Actually, I am guilty of point 3: "Getting out at the first sign of turbulence".


I have to disagree with some of your points (which makes it for a great open debate!).


1. "You put yourself out there, in the hope you'll find a connection"

I don't "hope" for things in a relationship. I find people that I believe they are suitable for me base on what they tell me or how they behave. Then there is no need to "hope". If I later find out that they are not as they posed to me to be (is unfortunate, but human, that we all wear our best personalities on the first 50 dates) I dump that person.


I think a sensible person will first learn what he/she want, and later find someone who "fits the bill". Only a loser will first find the person and then try to make this person be as they dreamed about. Again, is unfortunate that losers are the overwhelming majority.


Let me provide a simple example: I don't smoke, and I don't want to date smokers. A loser will date anyone and then "hope" (read "push") that this person will stop smoking if he/she does smoke. Me? I simply date non-smokers and that's that.


2 "is avoiding any possibility of getting hurt a valid reason?"

For a loser, yes. Only someone with really low self-stem, or someone who is a nobody, will even allow the thought of being dumped enter his/her brain. If you are smart, articulate, and have something going in life for you, you have to be really ugly or have a evil twin growing up of your forehead to be dumped.


I really have a hard time understanding the concept of "getting hurt". Not once I've got hurt in well over 10 years that I have been dating as an adult. Then again, I don't date anyone. I have ONS with anyone who is hot, but I don't date people I don't consider up for the game. Luckily for us men, it seems real men must be in a very short supply because there is always some nice girl who wants to date us.


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I also want to make a note about being dumped. Actually, me and guys like me DO get dumped...but we engineer it. I have date many women and in many cases I orchestrated being dumped because I found out that is easier to get rid of them when they are the ones who make the decision. I found many guys who do the exact thing so I wonder how many women think they dump guys when in reality they are the "dumpees". One of my "classics of all time" is to suddenly make myself unavailable. She will get mad that I don't have time for her, prompting a fight and, in the middle of the emotional train wreck, say the words that she will later feel sorry for saying (anything from "you are an a-hole" to "I never want to see you again" will do). Then, all I have to do is remain her of those words and say something like "well, you said you never wanted to see me again, so this is why I never replied your calls again. I am doing what you told me to do, honey".

My post was intended to provoke and "open" a discussion about rejection for which ever sex or species you are.


It seems to have done so.


I heard an interesting discussion on the radio apparently some men no longer need to have a relationship ,dare I say woman also) because the primary initiative for a realtionship is " coupling and producing" simply put we enter into the arena because we want to have sex.


We are some of the few species who have sex purely for fun( I think Dolphins are the other)


Now that there is all sorts of methods( I wont bore your inteligence) you no longer need a partner for sex, the alternative is obvious; live by your self and why bother to go through hassle of putting your self in the ring and compete just to get rejected or be the " rejectee".


The problem with this equation is that sex like ice cream, even vanilla, can get boring if you have too much of it, so we look for other flavours to try and therin my friends lies the problem.


There are obviously many factors that make a relationship work and it would be silly to say that sex is the only one, but it is the primary mover.


The friendship and companionship come later.


In my opninion now a days there seems to be many more factors in the eqaution,we want things our own way so much that the slighest problem is blown out of proportion.


Think of your parents how much harder it was for them and how much better they seem to live..................the reason is they demanded less.


hope my three cents worth helps?


lee du ploy