Am I too childish or is he too mature?

I posted a thread a few days ago about the age difference problem between my bf and I,and today we break up.


He said I am negative and always worry too much.


I live by myself,far away from my parents and relatives.When I have problems about my work,about other things in my life,I like to talk to him because he is the person closer than friends.


Everytime when I feel sad or sick,he also feel sad for me.But it seems he doesnt want to help me to pass through any difficult time.He wants me to stop crying just because he feel sad when he sees that,but not he wants to make me happy.


I think love means sharing everything,I also hope he can open his heart to me when he has problems.Actually he perfers to solve all the problems by himself and not bother me.


But it doesnt mean I can do the same,am I not mature as him?I cannot take it easy.We have been together for almost 2 years.


The last reason of our parting was when I told him I felt extremely frustrated after an arguement with mom,I said something hopeless.Not everyone can talk nicely when some bad things happen to him,he felt he cannot accept me too negative about life, so he left.


Is it an excuse or is he too mature?

Its one thing to share and air grievances that you actually DO something about...its another thing to be the broken record and just air grievances that seem to go round and round and round....


Relationships are about sharing and growing together...if he can solve his problems on his own, why do you feel so bad about it? Is it because you feel that you may feel its a bit more balanced if you dealt with his problems as well as your own? I mean...it seems you can barely handle your own problems without taking on his problems as well...dont you think thats mighty considerate of him to just deal with his own baggage?


Is he too mature? Or are you immature?


What do you think?


Do you think that its "expected" that if you have problems that have no solutions that you should keep expecting someone to carry you through it? Do you think maybe its time, if you see that its not beneficial to the relationship, that you learned alternative coping strategies besides just laying it on thick for your partner?


*shrug*


Relationships arent just about finding someone to "make you happy". You need to be able to be happy on your own and not depend on others and blame others for your lack of "happiness".


I dont get the whole "he/she needs to make me happy" thing. I mean, whoever said this was an expectation. Isnt it simply if you are yourself a whole and happy individual that you can SHARE your happiness? What exactly does he need to do to "make you happy"? Do you know how to make your problems go away? Do you know how you can be happy? Do you know how to deal with your mother or simply avoid dealing with her at all?


Until you can figure out how YOU solve your problems I would say yes, maybe you do need to think more for yourself, to mature a little and maybe, yes, you do need to change your perspective and your attitude. If someone says you are constantly negative, maybe its worth a self assessment on whether this may infact be the case or not. Good Luck!

Thanks, p.mason and JC, also flashback,


Thank you all for telling me a lot of things in the life to make me understand more,I have read all your words very carefully,during the past 2 years,I made many mistakes,and those things push our relationship to an end.


Since the beginning,I always take his love for granted, I thought our love can conquer any problems.I always think we only have one result,that is marriage.Nothing can part us.Even though sometimes we argued,I thought we can forget it overnight.But actually he cannot forget it,yesterday he told me there are many things that lead to this result.


I cannot blame him,but it is true if he told me earlier,I will try to change myself and not make so many stupid mistakes again and again.


I cannot hide anything in my heart,so I always ask him:"tell me what to do,I will only listen to you to make you happy",he always says:"I dont need you to change for me,I love you just the way you are now"


But now my way is totally different from his way. I liked to ask him"Do you love me?" even if when I know he loves me, because I like to listen when he saying:"yes,I do." That sounds like a promise.I thought it is a sweet way to express love but actually he doesnt like that at all.


It is no use crying over spilt milk,but I cannot take it easy right now.Yesterday he told me he still loves me and will love me until he dies, but he cannot accept our differences.So he must break up.


I would rather he told me he loves another girl,that can make me feel better.


Thanks to all the friends talking to me here.

"I love you just the way you are now"


Do you know what that means? I am a man, and I used this very sentence many times. The meaning is: I love things the way they are now.


This means: Happy times, and nothing about what women like to call "moving forward". Some men, and I feel yours is on this category, just want to enjoy happy times and don't think about any serious (i.e. marriage) commitment.


You feel he does not love you because you don't clearly see a promise of a marriage, and thus you are sad, and he gets pissed.


Your differences, in my oppinion, are simple: He wants things the way they are and you want to get marry. This is why you two broke up, at least in his eyes.


Just my two cents.

Agree with Michael...sorry, chica...well, just be glad you figured out that you two are on different pages, early doors, eh? I mean...marriage isnt a destination, y'know? I know many gals grow up believing its a destination and like "once I get married, I'm set". *SMH* Erm, once you get married at 22, you got probably another 40 to 60 years with the same person, if you arent capable of communicating, it aint "only gonna get better" hmmkay?


Slow down..smell the roses...remember what I said and put the foot on the brakes a little...you are 22 and there's loads of time yet to be thinking about marriage...and maybe to someone a bit better suited for you, ok?


And one more thing...please work on giving up the old "I'll change for you" thing. Its a horrible thing to make plans for. Be who you are and be happy and comfortable in your own skin. Changing and trying to fit some mould you dont even know the shape or size of...it will only make you unhappy, trust me on this one. Just be yourself, hell, in this day and age, that should be hard enough to do. :o)

Did I mention that people don't change?


Don't think you can change someone because otherwise you are in for a disaster.


All the best!

Michael,JC,flashback,thank you all,

Although it is really difficult,I have to accpet,thank you all for talking with me here and give me your advices,that's really nice at this special time,


Yesterday I asked him:do you still love me?He said:yes,I love you but that's not enough.

I just cannot understand we still love each other,why should we break up?

The answer is love cannot conquer all,it is just a wish.


Michael,thanks for your share,let me know more about men...

but I really think he is not that person just enjoy happy times,


He is much older than me,actually everytime it was him who wants to get married and settle down,he is a family man.I want to get married,but not now.


I know he had suffered a lot from my bad temper and childish behavior,but why cannot he tell me earlier? He sentenced me to death only once, then no chance to get anything back.


He would rather to live alone forever but not try with me again,how can a man's heart suddenly change to be as hard as a stone?


Just 3 days ago,he still said he will never leave me,then suddenly everything is over.

Before we planned everything together,but suddenly I am out of his plan forever.


If he told me he fell in love with other girl,if he told me he didnt love me any more,I can leave him.


But I didnt make any mistakes unforgivable,and he still loves me,how can we say goodbye like this?

Oh lord...


Ok, now...come on...*SMH* Your relationship is over! Why are you so keen to keep asking "Do you love me" as if somehow that will increase your self worth?


Its over...you wanted to get married too, from what you said, now you are making it out that he was the one who wanted marriage and that you didnt? And whats with the death sentence? The relationship is dead, what are you trying to salvage? Just coz you still care about each other doesnt mean that the relationship you had was brilliant and worth saving.


And one more thing...he's probably not going to be "alone for the rest of his life" just the same way that you probably arent going to be alone for the rest of yours. Anyone that sits there going "No one will ever love him/her as I did" is someone suffering from serious self esteem issues and is pretty delusional. Put it this way, if you could date him, him being 39 and you being 22, I am sure some other 22 year old is lining up right now to date him.


Simple as that...reality is a real bummer, gf, but yeah...just coz your relationship hits dirt doesnt mean it has to go down in flames, some relationships end because people simply arent compatible, which seems to be the case with you two...And yes, hard as it is to believe, it IS possible to say "goodbye" like that.

Thank you, JC, *hug*

I know I need more time,everything will past

thank you,at lease I have a lot of people here talking to me,I've learned a lot,I am grateful about that.

I find all the answers to my questions here,now I have to be strong and move on...

Dear, a relationship needs two to "tango".


You asked him whether he loved you or not, and he does. Of course he does. What he doesn't love is to be married to you. That's all. Trust me, you can love someone and at same time don't want to be having a legally binding contract with that person. I know I do.


Why you two can not be together? Because you want different things. You don't want to give up marriage, and he doesn't want to give up not-being-married. For you two to be together one has to give up his position, and I can tell you, sincerely and with all my sympathy, that he is not going to give up his position. Been there, done that.


Love DOES conquer all. EGOISM doesn't. You are trying to impose your values onto someone else, and he feels threaten by that. Is but natural that this happens. Been there, done that.


I never said he is a person that only enjoys happy times, but he is definitely a person who treasures his freedom.


You wrote "actually everytime it was him who wants to get married and settle down,he is a family man.I want to get married,but not now".


Really? Well then where is the problem? Or in other words, where is the wedding ring? where is the marriage certificate? You know, I want to build a ladder to the moon...


He "sentenced you to death" because he knew you will not get along and wants you to be happy. Actually, keeping you with him would be a worse death sentence.


"He would rather to live alone forever but not try with me again,how can a man's heart suddenly change to be as hard as a stone?"


One more time. Been there and done that. I am sure he didn't change in one day. You yourself mentioned you had fights and also mentioned your childish behavior. That he decided to leave you was not a one-day decision, but the culmination of many times of trying to fix the relationship. I know this story so well because I have been there is no less than 4 occassions...see if I learn this time :)


Le me give you an analogy that you will understand very well: It takes a single drop of water to eventually fill a cup. Yesterday the cup could still take one more drop, then after a tiny drop, it was full and now is over.


"But I didnt make any mistakes unforgivable,and he still loves me,how can we say goodbye like this?"


You didn't? But you wrote you did. Which one it is, kid?


By no means I am trying to insult you or being harsh with you or anything like that. Is just that the main problem I have found in relationships is people being in denial. In other words, people trying to avoid being held responsible for their actions.


Learn, and move on.

Michael,thanks,


Now it sounds unreasonable when I look back my words a few days ago,especially after I read your words.


I stopped contacting him 3 days ago, today he suddenly sent me a message,


Because we are separated now,and before breaking up,our plan was I will move to his place and settle down in his country,I can find a job there and be economic independent, with my education, career and family support.


But he said in his message today,he broke up because he cannot take me away from my parents,if I come to him but some problems arise,maybe money or I cannot find a job and I have to be sent back to my country,he cannot forgive himself forever..."


I really cannot understand what he is talking about, when we were together,everything is ok,we had planned everything, but when we finished, everything is impossible.


We are not kids,I am 22 he is 39,I believe an adult should be responsible for his words and behavior. Before we started this relationship, we already knew what practical problems we will have,and we are able to solve them, so we continued.


If I live on the earth,he is from Mars,even if we love each other,we will never start.


I cannot accept his ridiculous explanation.


"Let me give you an analogy that you will understand very well: It takes a single drop of water to eventually fill a cup. Yesterday the cup could still take one more drop, then after a tiny drop, it was full and now is over."


Thanks Michael,actually I understand it clearly. But my point is understanding between a couple is based on communication.


During 2 years, he never let me know any of his ideas,

He travelled to Beijing a lot to meet me, after we broke up,he said:I hate travelling!

He always told me,"I want a girl with a face as yours" or "I want to have my football team." yes, he was kidding or just a sweet expression, but after breaking up, he suddenly told me: I dont want a kid at all!


If he hated travelling, I can also come to visit him, if he didnt like a baby,we dont need to have one,I dont care about it.


He never talked to me about this, I didnt know his thinking,without communication, there is no understanding,how to establish a long-term relationship.


I know he cannot stand many troubles any more,but if he told me at the beginning of everything,he didnt need to suffer all this without any words.

Dear, as a man who has been in the position you are now, let me tell you this:

The one is Mars is you, not him. I take he is from Europe, correct me if I am wrong. Unless he is from an English speaking country, and even so, you have no idea about the employment situation in western countries. Is hard for us westeners to keep a good job there...imagine for an outsider.


Is not taking you away from your parents, is being 24/7 responsible for you. In US, the law states that no spouse of native US person is entitled for any public social service (i.e. free doctors, unemployment...) within 10 years. This means, he would have to take care of your expenses EVEN if you divorced.


There is another thing called alimony. That means, for every two days you are together, in the event of divorce he must give you money for 1. That means, if you divorced after 5 years, you are entitled to a "salary" for 2.5 years. That "salary" would burden him. You have no such law in China, so I understand you are no aware of that.


You are 22, you are a kid. Sorry, but is true. I am 31 and I am still not fully mature. That is a fact. You didn't know about the practical problems of the relationship. You had no idea.


Let me tell you what a real relationship is: In general, people don't take away people out of their countries. If he came to China, and intended to marry a chinese girl, he should know when you marry one you marry a whole family. He should rather live in China so you don't need to be exposed to a western culture where, in many cases and countries (I have been all over the world, I know what I am talking about) you will be considered a "trophy wife", looked down upon, and be treated as a second class citizen. Sure sure there are good people everywhere, but it would be far more sensible for him to live in China, or for you to met him after you overcame all those problems in a foreign country and be sure you are comfortable in that new environment, right?


So not, you had no idea. For him, it was a game. He knew that in order to keep a 22yo chinese girl he needs to mention both "marriage" and "children". Or maybe he was serious first, but then freaked out. This happened to me.


Let's be frank. If he told you all the truth from the beginning, you would probably never dated him. If I tell you "hey, I just want to have fun with you, and leave you when I am tired..." would you date me?


I don't mean he is like this, what I mean is that he realized the huge problem of taking you seriously and decided to back off...that's all that happened. I have done the same.


Good luck, and like I said, move on.