too broke to fix

I would appreciate a little input on my situation. I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years. The time i have spent with my G/F could be called tumultuous, eventful and passionate for a time. There were a number of contributing factors that brought trouble to our home; money or lack of it, drugs (both of us but not any more) , booze (not as much) and insecurity (her side). We have had peaks and troughs of monumental range and I have found this kind of relationship to be emotionally draining to the point that it effects all other areas of our lives.


On a number of occasions i have tried to end the relationship but i always get sucked back in. Efforts are made on both sides to mend our ways and find the peace we both so desperately want and need. Things mellow for a while then before too long its back to normal (for us).


I dont want to do the whole walking out thing, I dont want it to come to that.


No matter how depressed or upset either of us get my G/F is set on making it work. The cycle is endless and i need to stop it. I just dont know how to do it without literally having to pack up in the middle of the night and walking out. Every effort in the past to rationally deal with it has resulted in her either locking us both inside the flat until i agree to try again or floods of tears again until i step down.


Us simple male animals are rational creatures, if something is broken, we fix it, if we have try and fix it over and over we accept that its no longer able to be fixed. How can i make her see this too.

Seems to me that you are trying to fix something that never really worked to begin with.

Sound remarks and good laugh to boot,

Thanks very much.


I'll just go gather those balls.......

The SMS thing is not on the table, i hate SMS anyway. How many people have got into fights in a relationship from a mis-interpreted sms, im sure im not the only one.

Thanks again though for the honest input.

cromedome,

I was in a similar situation before.


Both loved each other so much that we couldnt and wouldnt let each other go. Within a 1.5 years relationship, we broke up 8 times and cried numerous nights, even we knew we were not meant to be and both couldnt take each other's temper, ego and saw each other as problems, we stuck together out of "love".


Spent too much futile effort on trying to fix the relationship by communications, spending holidays abroad, meeting each other's closest friends and family; tried to adjust life for each other, part the red sea between each other's culture, changing our own personality for the sake of one another... but nth worked, cause we became sb else, not the one whom each other first found to be "meant to be" and then we broke up.


The one reason he gave me thru phone was, "It's the best for every one."


I was so calm when he told me... I hanged up the phone and blanked and knew it was the brutual end. And, yeah, spent about 2 years getting over it.


We all know cutting the thread hurts like hell initially, we all know missing each other smashes the heart repairlessly. But, what needs to be done, done as needed. Free yourself, free her from the endless cycle.


Dun do it with sms, she will never forgive you cause it's like u are just having fun and yes, the real emtion cant be carried across.

Do it on phone,


1) if she still can compose herself, at least, u know she was prepared for it,

2) if she yelled, let her yell, at least she cant kill u at the spot, only ur ears suffer and u needa go see a doctor.

3) u can always hang up the phoen with the final word "bye"

4) she can as least understand ur determination by ur voice


Dun wrap the breaking up things with fanciness or think too much about how to end it. End it right there, right now.


Brace urself, brace ur life.

Hey Cromedome, you have been given a sh*t load of advice and a lot to take in. But one thing does ring clear through all the messages, "YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO END THE CYCLE" I know exactly how you feel. I ended a ten year marraige because I just got too tired of doing all the work. It ripped me apart, She was a third of my life and I was letting go of it. But trust me, things do improve and get better. Never think of it as one door closing but another opening. Take with you what you have learned and apply it to the next relationship. As for how you tell her, well that is really upto you. It might be better if you use a mixture of communication. Warn her by SMS that something is wrong and you need to talk about the future. Explain to her that you want to tell her face to face but because of the way she acts it hurts and confuses you. When you do meet her, write it all down on a letter what you want to say and give it to her. Therefore she will get the message clearly and while your there you can fill in the areas where you missed in the letter. All the best and a Monsieur Justin C says "remove the valuables first I too have heard and witnessed the fury of a pissed off confused woman and it isn't pleasant and can cost a lot of money and just feed the hate.


Best of luck

Thank you all for your help.

I'll give it a lot of thought and work out how best to make this next transition.


I have been in this position before myself, I was married about 5 years ago and had to confront the end after 4 years of trying to make it work. The challenge here is not so much ending it, but the fact that the other party refuses to accept that its over. In my past relationship i was able to explain and rationalize and say that i needed to move on. Its was a very upsetting and painful experience for us both but it was listened to and herd. This current situation is just not being absorbed. I guess the key is to make the move first and then unfortunately drop the bomb, because effort to do it the "gentlemanly" way have failed thus far.

Hey Cromedome, just out of curiosity are you a gweilo and is your partner Asian?? The reason why I ask is I had the same problems here also. I tried to explain to a girlfiend that it was over in the "gentlmanly" manner and it kept on getting brushed off as nothing. It kept on dragging out leaving me confused wondering if she understood what I meant, or was I not making myself clear. What happened in the long run was that the Fear of being a bad person and hurting her I didn't push it, but the fear turned to HURT and Pain to me. This turned in to anger and I ended up loosing my temper and packed her bags for her and stating very clearly that I didn't want her and that I had tried to deal with it in a respectable manner and threw her out. Please don't make the same mistake as bottling it up and waiting. It turns one bitter. Nip it in the bud now and set a deadline.

Weelee

Yes i am and yes she is! I am not sure if its a cultural thing or not but what you describe i could have written about myself, spot on.

Thanks for your comment, appreciated.

Time for some gardening!!

Hi,


I know some people they do enjoy torturing each other especially when they got a partner to torture and to be tortured with.


If it is really hard to get rid of sth,maybe it is yours definitly,just bear and enjoy,be thankful,otherwise you find a way to get out.

hey ppl.. know what? i am seeing a link here with one other thread.. the girl who is being cheated by her bf and wants her out, and cromedome's thread wanting her gf out but gf cant see the picture. hmmm... dont u two know each other???

Hi,menthos


I see you refer my thread,but the situation is quite different from cromedome's situation.


In fact I would appreciate if my bf and me have a really shout or sth,so at least there will be sth called communication,better than the silence.We are both adults and grown enough to know there is nothing lasts forever.I am ok with talk but hate implying with this or that kind of sign.

That's why I am so p*ssed off now.

You need to decide if you will stay for ever, or not. You know it is "not" so sooner is better than later.


I have come to believe Asian girls are masters of manipultion and can put material needs above happiness extremely easily. They can also be extremely vindictive.


So take your most important things, and assume the rest may never be seen again. If you have shared accts, take out your half immediately or change the passwords pronto. Any assets? Act quickly to protect yourself.


You may think this is unnecessary, but I can tell you a story about my friend and his ex - both Chinese living overseas, she the sweetest person, together 9 yrs, highschool sweethearts. Within days of the final breakup she had taken all the money & jewellery from a cash deposit box they shared, put a freeze on all their accts and had a caveat on his properties. He didn't see it coming. Then began 3 yrs of her refusing to agree to settle anything and making up stories. What fun for him while trying to run a business which was already struggling!