I need your advice!

Here's the thing, I think I have a major 'jealousy problem'. Last night, after having sex with my boyfriend, I asked him what does he think of when he does it himself. He said he'd think of the porn that he's watched. And I said: Picture yourself as the male character? He said yes. I got kind of mad and upset. It was like, I am not part of the process of his masterbation. Am I too much of a control freak?

I say, ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. You can think of it this way, at least he's thinking about something in fantasy, rather than your best girl friend.


And yes, you are too controlling in this case.

This is a suggestion how to easily solve this problem for both of you:


Buy a tripod and remote video recorder, Rent nice hotel setting, Do own video shoot, based on the movies he likes (as long as it isn't like too extreme or outside your parameters.


Then he can keep on doing as is, and you will be the co-star, thus starring inherently.


Or really, respect him for being honest. Just because he is viewing those movies does not neessarily mean he thinks any less of you or would even want those other women. It is short-term instant "help" and he has forgotten what the other women looked like very shortly after, in comparison to you who is permanent. Also, it does not necessarily mean he is dissatisfied with you, or that he wants you to expand your repetoir - men will be men, and women will be often offended, as shown time and time through history.


Hope the above helps, don't worry about is, unless it becomes obsessive, or more importantly if he is neglecting YOU!

Oh dear...gotta say I'm in two minds about this.


1) As a woman I can certainly understand that this admission might have made you feel a little insecure/left out of the 'process'


on the other hand...


2)You asked for it...in the sense that you asked a very personal question and your boyfriend has every right to believe that (being in a secure relationship and all) he can be honest and admit to certain fantasies. And that's exactly what porn is! It's a fantasy for men (and sometimes women too let's face it) who are very visual creatures. By freaking out you are basically telling him that his sexual indulgences while he's alone are not acceptable when frankly they are his right - it is really not within your rights to say that he can or cannot think something is sexy. And before you start throwing stones from a glass house, can you honestly say that you have never fantasiezed about someone else while you've been with your boyfriend, never looked at a movie star and said to yourself...definitely would hit that! All I'm saying really is that you shouldn't be so threatened by this admission. All he's saying is that he fantasizes about being a stud - not that he wants to cheat on you with a dozen girls or get some more girls into the bedroom so that he can act out this scenario with you (if that was the case then obviously I would say go ahead and freak out). So all-in-all cut him a little slack and remember that this in not a reflection on you or your relationship - the guy just likes porn and likes to occasionally imagine that he's a super stud. As long as it remains in his head I don't see a problem : )

maxis. While very alluring, I don't agree with your idea. What if they break-up and he "gets even" by distributing the video. The Internet is a powerful and dangerous thing.



As for the rest I agree that:

- Your typical man probably thinks of something other than his partner when masturbating.

- He should have just said "you".

- However, you asked for it. He might well have been peeved and shot that out.

- Then again, maybe he's just a bit naive and gave an honest answer because he didn't think it through.

axptguy38, actually wasn't entirely serious, but if he was limited to home-grown movies well he'd only have her to look at....but perhaps he is thinking elsewhere still!


Although, it would be a good come-back/suggestion from the boyfriend!


blss, if he said "ALWAYS you" to the question, then he is a LIAR! And you would know, and be even more disappointed.


Sure, guys do early in the relationship think of YOU when flying solo, but not always and not for ever.


SOLUTION: Don't ask personal questions for whatever the answer you will be upset. Same goes for people's history, everyone has one and if you care about someone, you don't want to think of them having, for example, random intimacy with a stranger when dating their ex - how insecure would that make you feel if you knew that? Much more insecure than you feel about him fantasing to other women merely in movies eh?

I disagree... my boyfriend says that he does think about me when he's DIY, and I'd rather he fantasised about the porn girls. I mean, it's very sweet and very romantic, but it's a bit... well I feel like it's dishonest. I could well be the truth, he does feature in some of my fantasies, but they're not anything we've done or will do.


I think it's the same as, I constantly used to ask him if he thought his friend was pretty, and he told me she's not. That's of course the right answer, because I felt more secure and less intimidated by this 110lb blonde busty model friend of his. Later, I found out that he did think she was pretty... now he lied to me, about something that's not really much of a big deal, and that made me more insecure about their very plutonic friendship than I'd been in the first place!!!


Wouldn't you prefer that he's honest with you now, than he lies to you and you find out the truth later?

Shades of grey Pupalicious. Shades of grey. It's complicated. ;)

Hey Blss,

I am a firm believer that people's fantasies are their own. There is not one single thing that can turn someone on. And in any relationship there is this expectation that we can be everything to that person but in my experience I find that it isn't true.

I don't think it makes you less in his life either. There is this pervasive lie that women need to be threatened by men using porn. But most people are aware that there is line between reality and fantasy. So I say let his fantasy be his fantasy. Don't you have your own fantasies?