sexless wife??

my wife and I lived together for 2 years before we got married. In those 2 years, our sex life was just great, we almost had sex every day. i love her so much and since life was so good in all aspects, i asked her to marry me after she hinted to me several times that it's time to get married.


since the year when we just got married, she stopped wanting me. i don't know why, i wish i do. She has been giving me so many different excuses, she is tired, this is normal for married couples, i didn't help to do chores that really is a turned off........


Trust me, her job is not that busy, she comes home at 6 or 6:30. i started helping out on chores, i even cooked. But no matter what i do, it's not helping. We don't have dogs, of course no children, we even have a part time helper.


Whenever i want to talk about this, she just gave me a bunch of excuses and walk away, not even think about go for counseling. i'm very sure she is not having another man. This is so frustrating and hurting to me. i won't cheat on her, i really love her. But it is also so difficult to live a married life like this. We only had 4 times in last year. And this is just our 2nd year, we're not married for 10 years or so. I'm in my early 30s and she is just in her late 20s. She cares about me a lot, but just not letting me touching her much.


Can anyone suggest something that will cause a woman's sexual desire dropped so so much.

Mapleleave, tough situation. Suggest to ask her to sit down and face the situation seriously together. Tell her about your frustration and be a good listener to her problems also.

Puzzle

Mapleleave,

There are a lot of people who have this problem. So you are not alone. Frankly it is impossible for any of us to say with any certainty what is going on. We can only guess.


Here are my guesses:


1) Most people (even those with low sex drives) are very sexually-active in the romantic, starry-eyed phase of their relationship-- especially if this is the first sexual relationship. This usually grinds to a halt after about 2-3 years into for people with low sex drives which is okay if both partners have similar sex drives but leads to a lot of conflict when one person always wants to have sex. Some people's interest in sex just wanes without any underlying reason, sometimes just from boredom, routineness etc. She might have just burnt out-- you mentioned that you were having sex almost every day for 2 years.


2) It is possible that she is pissed off at you for something that you are oblivious to and doesn't want to come out and say it. Anger will eat away at one's libido big time. It is possible that like a lot of guys out there, you are just unaware of something that are doing that is making your wife unhappy (feeling unappreciated, or pissed off about her in-laws or how much money you spend drinking with your buddies--- whatever...the list of possibilities is endless). As I said, none of us knows you or your wife, so all this pure speculation.


3) Something about married life doesn't make her feel very amorous or sexy. If this the case, any pressure from you to have sex will makes her feel increasingly like it is now a "chore" or "duty". If this is the case, if she perceives that you are doing stuff (romantic dinners etc) in the hopes of her having sex with you, it will backfire and she will really start to detest sex and just do it to get it over with.


4) Her feelings for you have changed from romantic love to "sisterly" love.


5) She is suffering from sort of sub-clinical depression.


Those my best guesses.

man,i tried so many times and so many different ways. She still doesn't want to face the problem. i'm so confused. Be honest, i'm like living with a flatmate or i should say a family member who cares me a lot, but not like living with my wife.


Sometimes i was pissed. i don't want to keep begging for sex.


Any buddy can give me a clue? how can i get her really talk?

want a guys opinion ? you have done your bit, you have tried to talk, she wont listen. tell her you are leaving

Jack, thanks, i do need some more guys opinion. About your idea, i did think about this a year ago. But i truely love her, telling her that i'm leaving just because she is not willing to have sex with me will hurt her a lot. i don't want to hurt her, seeing her hurting is torture to me too.


i always remember my vow, i promised to bring her happiness no matter what. Aside from our sex life, she is a very good wife. Gee...i know, but sex is a very important part of a marriage, at least to me, it is. But i mean, i can't divorce her just because of this reason, right?


plus, i want her to be truely attracted to me, then want to be intimate with me. If i tell her i'm leaving, she might do it just because she wants to keep me. that's not fun, right? A man wants to be approached too. it will be better if sometimes she wants me, i don't want to ask every time and risk that she might say no.


i meet a very nice woman at work, she is my soul mate. have i thought about leaving my wife and be with this woman? yes, i was tempted so many times. But, i then, found out that i love my wife too. And i reminds myself from time to time that i can't cheat on her. So, i am trying to keep a distance with this woman. Was it tough, yes, no kidding.


sometimes i rather i'm still single. Life will be so much easier.

My best friend and her husband went thru something you are going thru. Her hubby did not threaten to leave her - for the lack of sex. However, he did make it clear that he was miserable in a sexless marriage - but because of how much he loves her - he would stay in the relationship. She was so touched - she made a conscious effort (like she did before they got married). Last week, she was telling me some wild sexual thing they have been up to.


Hang in there!

I can see that you very much want this marriage to work, but I can also hear the agony that you are experiencing. For what it is worth - from one guy to another, you are a credit to the male gender. I really admire you for your willingness to work through this rather than taking the easy way out (by having an affair, for example).


You are in a tough position simply because your wife seems so unwilling to meet you halfway. Is it possible that she is experiencing a medical problem that has caused her libido to drop off? Has she had a physical recently? Perhaps it is something hormonal, related to a bout of depression, or a side effect of a medication she is taking. A decreased libido can be caused by a condition that has little to do with simply a lack of desire for sexual contact. It might be wise to rule out these possibilities.


Absent any medical issues, I think that couples therapy could be very helpful in your situation.....but it sounds like your wife is reluctant to go. She's got to be a willing participant in order for therapy to have a shot at resolving any issues between you.


If you approach this from the standpoint that you are really concerned about her and her wellbeing (which seems to be the case) rather than from the standpoint of "I need sex and you'd better start putting out or I'm going to hit the road", I think that you'd get much more traction. Either way, in order to move forward, she has to eventually be willing to explore with you what might be causing her decreased libido, whether this is something that you both decide to tackle on your own or with the help of a medical professional. It seems that getting her participation is the logical starting point.


Best of luck!

Sounds like what i've been thru before. Keep avoiding and at last she left without a reason. Be prepared for the worst.

From a man who has been through this twice with Western women..... get out!!!! File for divorce. Do whatever you need to do.


It is not going to get any better. With both of mine, it was every night for years of dating and living together. Then marriage and 3-5/week >>> 1/week >>> 3/month >>> 1/month >>> 4 times a year (like Valentines and New Years).


If she has all those other issues listed by women, it is still her problem --- not communicating. Cut your losses and find someone else.


I may have missed it... is she Asian?

Thank you so much for your time and advice, guys. special thanks for the good words from Peet. But i'm nothing special, just trying my best to keep my promise to someone i truely love. Peet, my wife is not on medication of any kind, she is very active in her life and she is very happy and content, so, she is definitely not going through any form of depression. I think i am the one who actually is going throught this.


About therapy or counselling, before i could have a chance to mention this, she already changed the subject, brush it off and just yep, leave the issue like this, because to her, it is not an issue. But the way you suggested that i should talk to her sounds good, may be i should ask about her health than keep concerning about our sex life. Thank you, i hope this way will work better.


Raven, i'm sorry to hear that you went through this twice. Gee, once is already tough enough. yep, some people told me the same, like the situation is not going to get any better. i don't know, i hope not.


My wife is not an Asian, but i don't think this is about whether Asian or not, i heard about this from Asian friends, but it was the guy's problem not the wife.


Divorce??? sounds so difficult though, not an easy road. We both have very good relationship with each other's family. People thought that we are having a sweet time together. It will hurt a lot of them if we end up getting divorce.


And will i make a right choice next time? i thought i made a great choice when i asked her to marry me. I'll have another issue with another partner i guess. Sigh!!! i wish i don't love her that much, i can just leave without much guilt and burden.


anyone sucessfully talked your wife into marriage counselling? Is she hidding something that she doesn't want to let me know that she is escaping the counselling? i thought counselling is a women stuffs, women think that it is a magic. i must be wrong!! Women are just so so so difficult to understsand.

how old is your wife? and how old are u?

When my marriage was in trouble I tried to get my husband to go to counselling with me. he refused. I went on my own and found that it really helped me. You need to speak to someone objective for your own sanity. Maybe down the line your wife will also go. My husband didn't end up going and I felt that that was an indication he wasn't prepared to work at our marriage. I would have been happy if he'd gone for individual counselling but that didn't happen either. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't stay together...

No reason to believe things will improve,unless the effort is made to do so - 2 months shouldn't be a problem, 2 years? Twenty?

I've been married for 6.5 years and unfortunately, what's happening is quite common and I myself am guilty of a sexless marriage too.


When a couple is dating, both parties pay A LOT of attention to one another. For example, the male will go out of his way to make her feel special, she in turn will feel it and hence, they both have a great sex life. If she was living by herself before, she could keep the house just the way she wanted it and no one would "mess" it, hence less work. Eg. The toilet seat will be down, no one will "miss" the toilet bowl, the remote control will always be in the same spot, less dishes to wash etc.


When you marry and are living together, you take each other for granted.


A male will demand sex and expects that the wife gives in irregardless of whether or not she's in the mood. He doesn't pay her as many compliments as he used to give her and is less attentive towards her.


The female, on the other hand, feels the need to "work" the home DAILY, and makes this a priority ahead of being intimate with her hubby. I understand that you try to help her with the cooking, but as a wife myself, I tend to feel it is MY responsibility to make sure that my home is in order. The help that I get from my hubby is only a small percentage of the work I have to do. Even with a helper, it is still the wife's responsibility to co-ordinate. It becomes exhausting.


I give in too, when hubby complains, but at the back of my mine, I'm wishing for it to finish quickly because I still have to tidy the living room, iron tomorrow's clothes and fold the clothes that have been piling up. A woman's job does not finish at 6-6.30pm. It finishes later during the night, and if sex is on the plate, it finishes EVEN later.


Unfortunately it is the reality that sex life deteriorates after marriage. I don't feel that my sex drive is lower than my husband's. When all the work is done and I have time to rest, I want it just as much. Just that my time of rest isn't a lot.


What can be done? From a wife's point of view, you can try to share her responsibilities at home so things are done quickly and the wife will feel loved because you are trying to help. Eg. A husband comes home and says, "Let's cook together, wash up together, fold the clothes together etc" then tell her that you really appreciate what she's done. Then initiate sex after. Or you could allocate a few "chores free" nights - tell her to leave all the housework undone and tell her you don't mind it, you just want time with her.


I believe a marriage is a partnership, it's not about who's right or who's wrong because you feel you are not satisfied. You will always feel that she's wrong in the same way she will feel you are wrong. A marriage is about communicating and working together in satisfying both needs - yours and hers.


Even if you leave her for someone else, you will still have to learn to communicate and work things out for LOTS of things.


You know, 6.5 years ago before I got married and when my sex drive was high, I think my advice would have been different. I wouldn't have known what I do now.


Good luck!

Why is it such a big issue when it comes to sexual incompatability??


Marriages end for so many reasons.... reasons of incompatability. Sometimes pretty minor issues. So, why feel such a great deal of guilt when it is about sex?? Which is actually a major issue.


Isn't it one of the big parts of married life? How can we expect one person to live without one of our basic needs in life?


Personally, if I was with a guy who did not want sex with me, I did end the relationship on that reason. It can be bloody frustrating.


Be it a man or a woman, I think every human has the right to let their partner know of their unhappiness, and if a solution is not found, sex is a bloody big reason to end a marriage!

there is this very enlightening thread on Aphrodite's womenshealth discussion forums, under subforum on female sexuality.


The topic is "women, relationships and desire" on page 8. This topic discusses why women withold sex sometimes. Very insightful.


I tried posting the link but was deleted.

And sometimes it's the other way round. It's no less frustrating when the female has the higher sex drive :-(

thanks, Balzac. I'll check the website later, but definitely not now. I'm now hurt, low and don't know, just feel like in prison. Being a responsible guy in such case is so hard and just sucks.


Can't tell you all about the details, but at least i tried in the last few days. didn't work.

As somebody who has been on the other side.

The news may not be good. Sorry.


A lack of willingness to share intimacy, of any kind, and a lack of willingness to talk about would suggest that there is some fundamental problem with the relationship. And if this is the case, the sex is a sypmtom, not the cause.


Go to counselling on your own as suggested by another poster. Another thing to consider about councelling. Sometimes the answer is to break up.


In my first marriage, I realised after 3 years that I never really loved my wife. We were together sex was frequent, but only OK; my heart was never in it. She seemed like somebody I could live with. But she was not somebody I could not live without.


I withdrew from sex, and then after a year of tears at bedtime I moved into the spare room. My wife was devastated, but I realized that 'there is nothing more lonely than being in the wrong relationship. This could be where your wife is now.


If your wife does not really love you, then she does not want you to keep your earnest promise.


The fact that your sife does not want to talk about it is concerning. You suggesting a trail seperation, or threatening to leave, may actually bring the issue out.


Luckilly we had not kids. My wife wanted a baby to try to glue the marriage back together. Some couples try this. All you are doing is making the walls of your prison cell thicker.