Is his lack of sex drive really due to stress?

We've been married for 25 years and relocated to HK for his job offer last year. We've had an awesome relationship the whole time, sex at least twice a week all those years. After settling here his sex drive has all but vanished. First it was once a week, now it's maybe once a month.


He went to doctor for hormone testing & doc said problem was not between his legs, but between his ears. He tried a viagra type drug, but didn't like the way it made him feel, so he no longer uses it.


He says it is stress related and no reflection on me. I've done everything I can think of to make his life away from work as stress-free as possible... Relaxing atmoshere, massages, no responsibilities for him at home since I'm not working here I've taken over it all.


I don't want to increase his stress level by bringing up the fact that my needs are totally not being met. Last time I brought up the subject he defensively told me that asking him to want sex was like asking a cripple to walk. That was 2 months ago and we haven't discussed it since.


I'm wondering if he is in denial that he's just lost interest in me. I haven't gotten fat and ugly...same weight I've been for 15+ years. I wonder if he resents that I'm not working? He's denied that.


Any suggestions how to deal with this? Any hopes that his sex drive will return?

I can't agree with Monsieur JC MORE.


This is not about you, my dear! The causes of stress, which is one of the main reasons for sexual dysfunction among men (I'm one), are too much in HK. Most likely, your hubby is suffering from a bunch of them.


Dragging and asking your hubby like a kid to go to the doctor and bothering him about 'doing' you as before are not gonna help. Keep your cool, support him with the steps HE is taking towards your pleasurable 'redemption' and, someday, hopefully, things will come to normal.


Those said, you should remember that diminishing returns sets in everything, including sexual drives. Your man is growing up/old and coupled with a lot of responsibilities, of course, he could be worn out. Perhaps, you could occupy yourself with some tiring stuff; and if at the end of the day both of you're tired, you wouldn't want 'IT' twice a week afterall .... indeed, you'll appreciate his effort.


Lastly, you may wanna change a routine in that sexual life of yours. Take him to a whole different level and, I bet, some OLD manpower would be set agog again. Remember, it's not all about you.


Boy, we need help. What more can a man do to be appreciated, guys :PPPP???? Peace out!


ShaQ

Ooooppppsss!! That's exactly what I mean, my dear JC :P. See, I've done the correction :D


"I can't agree with JC MORE".

The comments from you guys are exactly what I needed to hear. My hubby says he just has to put it out of his mind or it will drive him crazy which gives the appearance to me that he doesn't care whether he has sex or not. So I will be patient, not pushy and follow his lead and not bring it up. But this brings to mind the question, do I attempt to tantilize him with something new/different or not?

Get a vibrator perhaps???



"Attempting to tantalize him" might be a good idea, but be open to the possibility that if he still cannot get it up, think of it as probably a medical condition, or stress-related anxiety and not necessarily correlated to your attractiveness.


Try reading up on ED, so you can better understand what sweetie might possibly be going through..sometimes it (ED) can be a symptom of a more serious medical condition


http://health.yahoo.com/ency/healthwise/hw112768/hw112777;_ylt=AhmzrsYPqxAtJLSpaA7EhyfINLUF

hii girl,


I understand where ur comming from. I believe it varies from person to person. As for my boyfriend , we have sex everyday ( no kidding ) , and sometimes on the weekend we will make love twice in the day. Nowadays he is very stress with work, but his sexual needs for me didn't really seems to be affected.


Knwoing that my boyfriend is very stress and tense at work , I will try to make him feel relax when he is at home. As for our sex life , its all about spicing things up. We have been together for 2 years and sex is still great coz both of us put in effort .


I believe u have done your best to spice things up. But it takes two to tango. To me it seems that your man is overly stress that now his focus in life is not there anymore. Maybe both of you should see professional help.

elvish raven girl - I have to disagree with you, soonbe's husband said to her asking him for sex is like asking a cripple to walk. If it is because he has enough sex out of the house, don't you think he will still give in and have sex with soonbe once in a while just to act as if everything is normal? Why would he turn it down every single time just to make himself more suspicious of having a girlfriend? doesn't make much sense to me

MJC, I am with you on that. isn't being 30 too young to be giving out sighs about kids these days? haha

Thats the problem here our husbands/partners work long hours here and travel a lot with their jobs, had the very same arguement with my husband last night don't see him much and when i do he is always tired, grumpy and sleeping, though i admit its not much fun for them either feeling this way, just buy a rampent rabbit, its great!!!

MJC and Wing....just because neither of you think thats the problem doesnt mean it ISN'T the problem! I think what elvish is saying sounds more like this may be what the problem is. His "asking him for sex is like asking a cripple to walk" excuse is pretty lame. Why all of a sudden when they get to HK he stops having sex with his wife?


Hmmmmm....lemme see?? Maybe 'cuz there's a lot "younger", available women willing to give him some? Durh!! Soonbe....your man is screwing with your head and with someone else. You know it and you asking for advice on what to do here is proof you think this way. You cant say it hasnt crossed your mind if he's lying to you. You aren't oblivious to the amount of available women here for foreigners are you? Put him to the test and see if he's so stressed as he claims.

So you are saying because there's a large amount of available women FOR foreigners, all men should cheat?


it must suck to live in such a negative world of yours

Unfortunately it's not my world wing..you live here also. There are a large amount of women available for foreigners but I never said they "should" cheat, its just that they do. If you think Im negative more power to you. Only stating what's obvious.


You can read all the threads about this topic and you will find the same answers or maybe you live in a fantasy world? While it is possible he may have some medical issues as to his performance, why only when they get to HK does it show? Soonbe said they had sex regularly for years before coming to HK, then declined and now almost never.


You dont have to be a rocket scientist to figure this one out. Besides, these are only our opinions of what we think is going on...only her hubby knows for sure.

I must admit everyone that the thought of another woman did cross my mind. Before we moved to HK he traveled here and everywhere around the world for years. And he still travels every other week almost. He has plenty of opportunity to get it elsewhere when he's travelling, but I just don't see any other signs/evidence that he is cheating...and I do look, no matter how much I trust him. Because we socialize with the people he works with and I hear about what is going on in the work day, it would be much harder for him to cheat successfully while not traveling when he's here with me. We've been pretty tight, I just don't think that is the problem.

I really think the stress is the problem. He says he has never had a more stressful demanding job where he has to multi-focus every minute of the day. He was hired into an all-Chinese company to aid in their global aquisitions and now when he offers his opinion/tries to smooth transitions he is overridden by the owner usurping his authority. Then on the other side when his Chinese employees err, they refuse to admit it and making corrections is difficult. I think he is feeling trapped into a position he isn't liking after uprooting us to come here and hasn't figured out how to handle that. I also can't help but think he is jealous of the fact that I am not working (first time ever) and having to go through what he is.


Another thought I have is that I've read that smoking can play a role in ED and he's always been a pretty heavy smoker.


Thanks everyone for the insights.

actually I have ready an article somewhere that guys are stimulated physically and not through their brain cells.

Hi Soonbe, sorry to hear about your problem. Something for you to check to see if the old John Thomas is working. Men normally when sleeping will have an erection, so when he's sleeping have a quick check, early morning is normally a good time. The problem with erection problems is it feeds itself and just becomes worse. If a guy can't get an erection it batters his ego which makes him more concious of it, which in return makes it even harder to get an erection. By NO means push the topic or you will start to make him feel really insecure. I can't remember the statistics but it is an alarming amount. Something like 35% of men from their late thirties suffer from erection problems. What to do? Perhaps pamper him a bit, to relax. MAke him feel like a man and how you need him ( not sexually but as a protector type thing. Stimulate that primal instinct). I don't know how you will do that but I'll have a think about it. The thing is , if he does start to perform again he will recover very quickly because it is all to do with his confidence that it will work. I know what the guy is going through because I have had it happen to me in my life when I was going through a tough time in my my life, but I learned not to think about it and just accept it, then before you could say HEYY it was back to normal. So I gues what I am trying to say from my experience; he has to stop thinking about it and he has to have his head clear of the daily stress before it will work. In regards to smoking; from my own personal experience yes it can effect it. I normally smoke but I am quitting again, but when I used to smoke a real lot I noticed that it wouldn't stand to attention as well as it should. So get him to cut down. Slap a nicotine patch on his ase. Best of luck soonbe and remember this is a real toughtime for him even more so than for you.


All the best


Ps just thought of something. Have a nice shower with him and get him all soaped up and let him soap yourself up. But do it as a relaxing gesture therefore he doesn't think your trying to force him to perform. Talk to hime when your doing it, ask him about his day. Make him laugh that king of thing