Can it work and how?
My bf and I are getting married in a few years time. As he's from a single-parent family and is the only child, it's on his plate to take care of his mom after we get married.
So how the hell do ppl do it? I love him and want him to be happy. But what about me? How am I gonna live with someone who has completely different values and lifestyle?
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The most important thing to accept is that, if this is going to be the situation, there is absolutely nothing you can do other than to accept it (with all the problems that it will cause) - or walk away from the relationship.
I assume that you are a Westerner, and your partner, and his mother, are Chinese. If so, you can be sure that she will not change her ways to suit you, you will have to change your ways, and accept her ways.
Go into this with your eyes open. Do some reading. Talk to others in the same, or similar, situations. Your mother-in-law will be the boss of the house, that's the way it will be. Get used to it, or get out now.
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Your b/f has a social and cultural duty to look after his parents. There is no getting around this fact.
The big considereation is how you get on with mother in law.
I live with my wife's Chinese mother. Or should I say, she lives with us. There is no problem as she is a good person and easy to get on with, she does not intefere.
However, and this is a biggy, my wife was married before (to a Chinese man) and the family already have their chinese grandchild. Now they are just happy to see that their daughter (my wife) is happy again.
If I was the first husband, things may well have been different. A couple of my friends have real problems with the in-laws. The inlaws resent that their daughters have married an 'outsider'. I am sure with the situation could be magnified with marrying a son.
It really is about your personal relationship with your bf's mother. You also need to try to gleen how she sees you as a potential daughter-in-law.
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"My bf and I are getting married in a few years time."
pretty long horizon you have there...
"As he's from a single-parent family and is the only child, it's on his plate to take care of his mom after we get married."
my single only advice is to address this issue thoroughly BEFORE you get married. this can be a deal breaker and you better get a solid idea of what it will be like, including living with both of them before you get married, discuss all possible issues with both of them beforehand, etc.
i think one key question is also whether the mom (assuming it's only her and no dad around anymore) will live in the same apartment or not. how about renting the neighbour apartment? etc etc
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It's a good idea, if it's financially feasible, to have separate apartments, as Cookie mentioned.
I also think the situation greatly depends on your bf and how much he would stick up for you, should problems arise.
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Love me, love my dog. Try to see her as your friend genuinely instead of mother-in-law, you still have a few years' time to build the friendship, which could be a positive force in your marriage.
The difference will not be a real tension until your first baby comes this world, if you really have to worry things far away from now.
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Thank you all for your suggestions!
cookie and slammy, separate apartments (within same area) is what I'd prefer. Actually, he's brought this up with his mom (casually) once, and boy, did she have a COW! They didn't talk for wks after that. I suppose he'd hv to find another time to convince her * fingers crossed*. Call me skeptical, but I doubt she'll budge. The lady's spend half of her life thinking she'll live with her son until the end of time. *sigh*
sexyboop, yes I'm worried about having babies with her being a "role model". Not saying she's an evil/bad person, just that her values are not what I want my kids to have.
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btw, I'm a local chinese gal (spent teen and college yrs in the States). By "values", I'm referring to things like world view, how to treat ppl around you etc., which I suppose mine is a mix of both Chinese and Western worlds.
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does the lady have any friends? if not, you are in big trouble...
actually, i would alert your bf to the fact that this might be a deal breaker. your bf is the key person here. either he manages this situation or he is doomed for the rest of his live - whether that is with you or someone else
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I would not worry too much about Ma's cultural values. Many young Chinese do not share many of their parents values.
However some values, like the Asian study ethic, would be a big plus.
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I think you should definately sort this out before getting married and having kids!
If she's not the kind of Mother who is easy-going etc... but is the kind who will want to take control in some way, that's a huge huge problem. And you don't want to be faced with a massive problem when you're already married with kids.
Regarding the separate apartments: when your bf made the suggestion, I imagine she took it as some kind of insult, whereby you were both implying you couldn't live with her. Chinese mums tend to think about the negatives before the positives. (isn't it frustrating!!!).
Keep trying to approach her with this idea and try to think of how you can say it in a way that's appealing to her.
1. She has more freedom for herself - because when you have children, you'd love her to take care of them. But other grandmas (like my mum) enjoy having their own flat to return to, to watch their favourite tv show, take a break, have their own personal space.
Taking care of kids is very physically demanding and I know so many grandmas who have sore wrists from picking up the children. My mum likes to have her weekends to herself - in fact, in our situation, it's usually me who wants to bother my mum so she can help with my toddler.
2. She can get a good night's sleep, without some screaming baby waking her at night.
Tell her it's getting very common nowadays for families to have two separate apartments in the same building. It's certainly very common in my building!!
You don't want it to get confrontrational and if you can succeed on this point - eventually she'll see the benefits and realise that it's not because you want to shut her out of your life. And you'll get to keep your bf.
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Just trying to think of good reasons to have two flats...
- often, we send the baby downstairs to my mum because the helper needs to vacuum or do some noisy cleaning and it will disturb the baby. It's been so useful having a choice of two places to stay in.
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I think a key point to note about seperate apartments has been made here a couple of times. If you can 'in the same building'. This will allay m-in-l's fears about being shut out, or being to isolated when she gets very old and needs help.
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I respect those parents who dare to be independent from thier kid(s), which my parents really do in this way, and it makes me very indpendent too... also i will not be with the person who can not live apart from his parents.
btw, i am 100% chinese.
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