Intimate texts and secret meetings?!

A week ago I discovered that my hubby has been texting a girl with intimate, friendly chat up kind texts, but not sexual (yet anyway). The texts also revealed that he has met her secretly twice in bars. He actually lied to me about his where abouts on these nights, and on their 2nd meeting he even texted me to check my whereabouts, just in case I was in the area! He claims they are platonic friends, and has admitted he and she stepped over the mark. They shared texts almost daily even on my sons birthday (don't know but that made me sick) and he even texted her to say he was so bored whilst in a meeting!


I was devasted by the dishonesty, and can't believe how little he thinks of my ability to find his texts with her. For those of you who are gonna say ' why did you snoop around his phone' well the D@ck was so confident of himself when he couldn't explain his whereabouts one evening that he told me I could look through his phone if I liked, and so I did.


I didn't find anything at first but then by pot luck found some stored messages in a remote part of the phone- the sneaky D@ck had copied them over and didn't tink I was smart enough to find them!


So boys, never under-estimate your ladies knowledge!


So who believes in PLATONIC relationships then? He doesn't wear his wedding ring because it doens't fit due to weight loss and he's just so vain nowadays.

hotwheels, i feel your pain. i broke up with someone precisely because of this sort of dishonesty and hypocrisy.


My HK is right re pre-cheating, and mpl is right re actions and words must match to have integrity.


i discovered two things about that ex: he had continued chatting online with an ex of his all throughout our relationship, without once mentioning he was in a new relationship with me. the messages were not sexual, but they were definitely beyond platonic. bottom line was that there was not one mention of me the entire time.


why was this hypocritical? because that guy had asked me for proof (i.e. emails and chat logs!) early on in our relationship, that i had told everyone in my life, including exes, about him. even after meeting my closest friends and family and attending very public events with me, he still had these insecurities (aka baggage).


from the beginning he made a very big deal about us being totally open with others about our relationship, because it was an issue of his in a previous relationship...in fact, with that very same ex-slash-chat-partner of his! according to him she wouldn't introduce him to anyone - cultural clash on her part. (that's for another thread.)


the second thing i discovered was that after a huge fight during which he essentially abandoned me in a public place, in tears, when he came back hours later he insisted he had texted me several times while he was away from me. i checked his phone to verify this. not only did i not find said text messages...i actually discovered another text message - recent - from another woman essentially asking him out on a date. nice! it wasn't the woman i was mad at - it was the notion that he had to have given her his mobile number, and she was under the impression that he was available to ask out.


so i guess it was okay for him to pass himself off as available and single, but not for me. silly me, here i was thinking i was in a relationship...for a year and a half...with a guy who had asked me to marry him. ;-) ah well, you live and you learn, and you keep looking for integrity.


in fairness i must say that i do not believe he cheated on me while we were together - or at least he didn't cross the line YET. but he was definitely hedging...which is nearly as bad. it's so cowardly. and pathetic. and dishonest.


p.s. to any holier-than-thou's out there: spare me the Snooping Riot Act bullsh*t. i didn't intend to, the chat logs were right there in front of my face, and his claim re the text messages to me begged to be verified. 'nuff said by me - good night all.


good luck hotwheels, let us know what you decide to do.

It's a fine line between acceptable friendly even slightly flirtatious interactions with members of the opposite sex and being dishonest and unfaithfull. Maybe that line is different for him than it is for you. Maybe he crossed a boundary without realising it. Talk to him

Nothing to add to what mpl (so very often provider of valuable advice and analysis), my HK and voiceofreason have said.

Just wanted to say I feel for you.

All the best hotwheels.

why did u look in his phone ? ever heard of privacy ?

Whats wrong with looking on his phone Admux? She is married to the guy and if he is messing around she has every right to snoop to make an informed decision about what to do. What right has he got to tell lies and cheat?

She can do what she wants because he obviously does. Be woman and don't stand for this crap!


Just call the women and ask whats going on.

You GO fennel! Totally on mark. If he doesnt have anything to hide he wouldn't freak that you looked at his phone. Take his plastic, max it out then divorce, divorce divorce. Don't let him have his cake and eat it too! You are better than that!

not condoning what the bloke is doing.... "pre-cheating"... however I do belive that privacy and trust is number 1 in relationship... if you can't trust your S.O. and you have to check their mobile .... then basically you should dump them and move on...

I for one... would never check phone messages / emails / wallets etc.... If I had the feeling something was going on.... I'd just ask.... If you know the person... you can spot a lie... lie and get caught (about cheating) = instant dump


thanks for the language lesson regis27.... ynnuf yrev

I guess only you know what to do. As he said he's overstepped the mark and you can now slap him back into line - perhaps that will be enough and he will have learnt his lesson.


I am always surprised how quickly people jump onto the 'he's looked at another girl therfore he's got to go' bandwagon. There is no-one out there who is perfect - not made a mistake before. There must be some room for error in a relationship. Where you can draw the line is up to you.


The comment above "Take his plastic, max it out then divorce, divorce, divorce". Childish.

Admux- read the initial thread please, did not SNOOP! I said he offered me his phone bcos he was so confident that I was going to be so dumb and not find his texts!


So far I have been to the solicitors and spent a couple thousand dollars finding out about Separation, but have not drawn a doc up yet.


Hubby is being as good as gold, but this is the good bit before he will turn nasty and dishonest again- it is not the first time he has lied to me. Except each time the lies get worse and I am more emotionally rocked as time goes on.


Haven't decided what to do, will go with the flow for a while, I know he has to see her again and will see how he goes. She works in a place that he must go to.


V of R - couldn't put it better, pre- cheating is exactly how I feel though he claims he would have known when to stop! ? Sad to hear of your break up, I hope you have found someone who deserves you more now. One door shuts before another can open, remember that. It is weird, mu hubby used to hurt me lots re lies, but this time I barely shed a tear, maybe I am losing that love for him, and it is easier not to expect much from him.


About the spend, divorce spend, plastic...... Well tht is easier said than done when you are his wife- there are mortgages to pay, school fees to pay. But it was a sad thought, I was walking in an upmarket shopping area waiting for solicitors appt, when I thought 'there I go being considerate to him, never really splashing out on me, but he would never hesitate to impress his new girl in all these expensive shops!"


So all, maybe the spend , spend spend comment isn't so bad after all!


More later

Dear hotwheels,

you did not Snoop.

your husband is a liar.

you have every right to protect yourself and your children.


to admux:

in an ideal world, yes, the wife would ask her husband if he is actually cheating on her and he would reply "yes, i am"...

but in the "real world" men and women would usually Lie through their teeth until he/she figures out what it is that he/she wants...wife or mistress...


i have had many friends who have confronted their husbands and the husbands reply has often been:

1. of course not...i love you

2. we're just friends

3. it's all in your head

4. what...you don't trust me???


etc...etc...


Best of Luck with everything Hotwheels.

Be strong...

F100 - thanks, you hit the nail on the head. He always lies until I slap the hard evidence in front of him. He has said most of the above, I especially find the "Why are you thinking about these things, no-one exists, it is never going to happen, why do this to yourself and get so worked up and upset!" most upsetting.


Somehow he tries to make it sound like I have something wrong with me, I will be strong because of my kids. Thanks for your kind words.


Fennel - I am afraid I didn't call the girl up. I said I was goign to go and see what she looked like and my hubby flipped saying "what's the point, it will embarrassing for everyone!" I told him not for me, as I just wanted to see what she looked like, what does she have that he is ready to risk our marriage and family over? I explained to him that I wasn't going to have a cat fight with her. It's not my style. If she wants him and he wants her, then they can go for it but don't expect me to be there at home!


He has seen her today and spent time with her, though I knew about it before hand this time. I don't want to stop him but I still want to know what she looks like, he claims she and he are totally professional (no it is not related to his work at all) But I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth these days.


I haven't decided what to do, there is no trust in our relationship anymore, yet I don't want to turn into a real snoop and be a really paranoid wife, and be crazy. Maybe I should declare an open relationship and see if he does choose to sleep / flirt around, and if so then have a divorce?!


However as for me, I am totally off men now, so please (those men out there who like to send offers for 'a drink together') don't send me any personal invites :) I mean I can't cope with the man I have already, he is trouble enough!

Hi,


It occurs to me that if I were having a clandestine affair with somebody's husband, the thrill of it would lie a lot in not getting caught, even though technically I wasn't in the wrong, the secrecy would be addictive and exciting. I would feel 'special' that he feels turned on by me more than his wife. We would be 'closer' by being partners in crime. HOWEVER, were his wife to come to me, without any bitterness or nastiness towards me and say 'I just want to me you, and I want you to see pics of our kids and this is what he is leaving behind.'


If it were me, after this little scenario, I may or may not continue the affair but it certainly would have deflated the bubble substantially.


I think you're hubby desperately doesn't want to look like a cad in front of this woman as it will do just that.


Men try to physcologically break down their opponents..


Good idea? Or not?

dear hotwheels,

who cares what she looks like?

you can't control or change your husband's behaviour but you Can control and change yours.


you have to decide whether or not you want to be with your husband.

confront your husband and tell him that you want no further contact with this woman....friend or NOT.

it's one less friend on this planet that you can do without.


you should let your husband know that this is very important to you and that it is something you would like him to do for you.


if he is unwilling to do this, then there are consequences...ie...divorce and custody of the kids. it's his choice.


i don't know about you, but i think that at this stage in your life your husband should stop playing "games".

this "game" is like playing with a loaded gun.

someone is going to get hurt in the end...and there are children involved.


let him know what is at risk:

marriage, children, future, lifestyle, friends, family, money and get him to think of the pros and cons.


you already have kids to look after,

you don't need to look after another BIG KID (your husband". am i right?


as for "being paranoid or nuts", this is a common phrase that men use on women.

basically, if it looks like Shit, smells like sh*t, it is sh*t.

he's feeding you SHIt and trying to pass it off as pate.


i find this kind of behavior insulting.

basically he is saying to your face,

i can lie and cheat and you are soooo dumb that you will believe whatever i tell you.


stay strong,

Thanks for all the advice and concern, especially about 'open'relationships'. At this stage we haven't agreed on much and in a bazaar way life seems almost normal, after my initial shock and consultation with solicitors, I am deciding whether or not to have a separation drawn up, though we would live as a family to the eyes of the world but have an open relationship. At the moment we are civil to each other and the kids think all is normal.


Plastic Buddha - Ultimately I feel that he will cheat again and only diff, is that this time he will not leave tracks, it will be a case of go and follow him or have someone do it , and it is NOT what I want to be spending time even THINKING about that! To me if the trust has gone, it has gone, I find it hard to believe anything he tells me anymore. I refuse to be a snoopy dectective and have him turn my world upside down, I feel like I have no dignity already (by taking up his offer to look at his phone).


I have said if he wants her, then all he has to do is tell me and he can have her, but of course he says he wants us as a family. But like I said, I don't believe him and there is no trust. So I guess if we have an open relaationship then at least I don't have to put up with lies and if he really chooses to sleep around, then at least it won't hurt me as much bcos I will be expecting it.


On the other hand, I can't imagine that he will actually come home and tell me he sh*gged a girl bcos I know he is one of these greedy men who want it all, and for the his face.


F100 - he had an ultimatum in June for lying about a luch he had with an ex-colleague, nothing sexual, just a lie. It was bcos the lie was so natural and I fell for it that made me angry, so he knew what was at stake then. That is why only a few months down the line, I am finding this so surreal.


I have access to accounts but a lot of it has been tied up by him...... I won't be broke but will have to work if he doesn't pay for us to live and school here, people say that depends on who he has met (the other woman) and if they have a love child! All very surreal but totally possible, nothing shocks me in this world. It doesn't scare me, though I haven't worked for 6 years! My hubby could get very nasty I think, esp if the girl involved gives him a push and shove, I mean I can't imagine how she has had this text thing and meeting thing in the first place, bcos he is quite a family man- well that's how I thought it was anyway......


Matches- I don't feel I can confront her with myself in a confident manner, and I don't want her to feel she has the upper hand. I know where she works and guess can go 'see' her though it would be odd for me to go there. He says he will try get her out for a drink, and introduce her to me (my request) but still hasn't bcos "it is hard to arrange", they didn't have trouble meeting before I found out! He is still claiming it is platonic, but funny thing is, since I found out, she has not texted him like they noramally do. The only text she sent was the day after I found out, and her text wasn't flirty like usual and it mentioned her 'boyfriend' twice!!! He would have had all day to speak to her, but he claims he didn't, i.e. 'I told you it was nothing' he said. But don't be silly, at the rate they texted and met, it was weird that it stopped the day after I dropped the bombshell. Put it this way, the pate definitley was off big time! (He has seen her yesterday though as I mentioned in last night post, but didn't say anything about her)


If I did show her photos etc she might say ' leave then so I can move on in!' or maybe I am worried in case the real truth is that she is really hot, pretty and charmingly sweet, and will tell me they have slept together! But then at least I could divorce him straight away and not feel bad!

It has been interesting reading about hotwheels' predicament and the reactions of those who responded.


Hotwheels = if you need someone to talk about this, I can help. I am going through something similar and perhaps we can both help each other out -- sister to sister.

mpl= you are a voice of reason; thanks for the advice which I am taking to my heart as well.

DON'T do the open relationship thing openly! You will lose in the end and be reduced to having no dignity! He'll win 'cos he will eventually leave with someone he thinks has more dignity!


However, if you decide to 'turn a blind eye'and pretend, as a lot of Japanese wives do, then you can save your family life and material wealth for the kids, without having to sleep with him. Could be seen as quite a bonus, depending how you look at it? Let her sleep with him, let her catch the stds from the others and let her get no cash! Beautiful. You can save your energy for.. whatever you like to do!

hahahah! Good SOH, Chang.

The different view points are very interesting, but like mpl and Mr HK has it correct, this is not the so called platonic relationship.


If hubby was just honest and met the girl for a normal lunch/dinner, then there wouldn't be any problem!


I like the way Mr HK phrases it 'feeling a lack of trust not because you are insecure but because you have a reason to feel that way'. Chang - Just for the record I am not the type who doesn't let him talk to other women, I actually encourage him to go out with work mates and buddies for a drink, he is usually shy around women and is not very assertive, I am the one to ask directions to lead the way on holidays, not bcos I like to (I actually hate it!), and not bcos I am bossy, purely bcos he is less confident and not as out going. He rather I do it even when I have said that he should take control, as I have the kids to deal with too!


So this news of flirty texts, secret meetings that he has arranged has hit like a bombshell- because it shows that it is not bcos he isn't confident and out going; he is just lazy and can't be bothered for me and our family- that is hard to take, because I have been blind and that is the reality. He has done things for this girl that has been out of his way and when it for us at home, it is 'I forgot bcos I was busy'.


As an update the girl has texted him again but he didn't show me or tell me voluntarily. Just told me after another row we had when I questioned the sudden stop of texts, so I accused him of having met her OR at least called her to warn her that their secret is out (Yes sorry all, my imagination was a bit wild, but couldn't work out why the texts just all stopped so he claimed)He said he didn't reply her, just deleted it, though has seen her since at her work place.


Someone metioned women turning blind eye bcos less hassle/material stuff all sorted, however I am not one who can stick this, sometimes I wish I had let their situation run on so if he did have an affair then our future would be clear. I just want him to be honest about what he wants, so I can MOVE ON with my life, there is only so much one can take, for me there is no trust anymore.


alk- I can't do what you said bcos it is not me, I am me and I am not prepared to change for him, I will change for US, but not him. That is not love, not the person I married, so if he likes her then he can have her...

Hotwheels, your last post just made a thought go through my mind.


You seem to indicate that your husband has some sort of issue around self-assertiveness and confidence, that he is shy.


Also that you often suggest to him that he should go out, and do the asking for directions, etc... Like a crutch to him, maybe.


All these examples made me wonder how much he might need to improve his confidence, on a strictly personal level, that whilst he may have been a little "immature" (might not be the right word) and you were mothering him, which was helpful to him at some point, as a person he might be "ready for the world" now, and struggle in the position where he's always been so far inside the relationship with you.


I'm not sure I'm being clear but basically, the roles which may have suited both of you at some point in your marriage may not be working for him anymore, and as a result, not working for the relationship??


Which then pushes me to think that there might be another option still for both of you: to try to work towards reevaluating both of your roles inside the marriage, in order that he can "grow up" (which might just be what's behind all his current/on going behaviour), in a way that suits you too so that you both settle again together in a new found satisfying way.


In that case, talking about how satisfied he is in the relationship, but more to the point, where he finds himself on a personal development level might bring some clue, and perhaps you would be both willing to work together, with outside help if necessary?...


Again, just sharing the feeling triggered by your last post...


It also sounds to me like you still have strong feelings for him.

Thanks folks for that...


Ahacha- I have suggested marriage counselling numerous times,over the last 3 years. It used to be offered by his old company but he always refused. After this incident, I suggested it again but left it up to him to find something. He just half heartedly had a quick 'google' about it and called up a place which turned out to be some undergraduate course whereby 20 students are going to sit in your counselling session! I said NO and he didn't want to go either, and nothing more has been looked at by him. I have left this up to him to arrange as I didn't want to force him, only said, if he chooses to get help this time, then I will be more than willing to go with him...


I would like to think he has 'developed' into a mature man who would like to be assertive, confident etc, but truth is, he just can be bothered to sort out his own boring stuff like paperwork, things around the home like fixing his PC, etc. He only enjoys his own hobbies like sport and gym... In a nutshell he is selfish, and I must be stupid because I still care about him, you are right.


mpl- You have me worked out, that is how I see my future with him, there will be another incident but only this time harder to catch/detect the lie, and I feel exactly like I am on a carousel!


Here is my plan so far (well tonight anyway!)

1. I think I will try to look after money issues to make sure I have some in my name.


2. I will go to counselling if he arranges it.


3. I will go and get a separation document drawn up and signed.


4. I will let him do what he wants/chooses, but if I find him in a relationship with someone else, and not trying to rekindle our marriage, then I will go for the divorce in a year.


I know point 4 exposes me to risk, risk of losing our marriage but what good is it when the love has gone and I am no longer what he wants. I would rather see him happy and not be with the liar that he obviously is now. That's my honest thought.

Hotwheels,


I'm sorry I'm going to carry on following the same subjective line: somehow I have now got into me that the best thing for you, your husband and family, is to put the energy into working out on getting over the problem, rather than into separating from him.


No doubt you can do the separation thing, and rebuild your life (it even sounds to me you'd be more successful than him on this, you are undoubtedly the strongest of the two), and God knows how much lies, hypocrisy and cowardice make me personally jump through the roof, though!...


However, what's right for one isn't necessarily for another, etc...


You have clearly and very understandably reached the end of your tether with his recurrent behaviour. Behaviour, including the denying of anything wrong (denying you the right to be upset by doing that, so in itself that is wrong) which is at best stupid and childish.


Whichever the reasons behind his behaviour (and I still think that it may well be that it is an ego boost thing -maybe she is trying to seduce him, and he just lets it be for his own male pride without intending for more, though still ashamed of his wrong-doing, and hence not wanting to admit anything, hiding behind the fact that he feels he concretely hasn't done anything like being unfaithful- or some kind of exploring a part of himself that he hadn't done before getting married due to his shy personality, or something along these lines), his reluctance to own up to his actions and maybe even acknowledge his responsibility in your distress must be very frustrating, but not a new trait of his personality. And you loved him all the same -and still love him. And that's fine, everybody has got pluses and minuses to offer that suit another one...


I can't help having the feeling that he wouldn't be the only one benefiting from a successful patching up of things between you two. And that it would be devastating for you to part from this marriage.


Because though the anger is good, healthy and appropriate here, as well as being a powerful engine when it comes to taking a step towards moving on from him, it seems to me that it also currently hides other important feelings behind: huge pain, sadness,...love. It may be important to let yourself be more in contact with those at the expense of the anger (especially when it comes to decision making).


I read the whole thread again just to see...


I'll just quote some of the things you've said in the course of this thread, admittedly totally out of context:


- ...) he is good as gold (...)

- he said) he would have known when to stop

- he says he wants us as a family

- I can't imagine how she has had his text thing and meeting thing in the 1st place, because he is quite a family man

- (he said) he will try to introduce her to me (my request)

- (he said) "I told you it was nothing"

- risk of losing our marriage


Now, the point is not to put them back into context, but to emphasize the other tiny positive aspects that manage to be expressed here, so as to balance the opinion it is easy to get about your husband.


If he wanted to cheat, I mean a full blown affair, he probably could have done. You don't seem to insist that this is the core issue at the moment. Whilst I think about it: if I were you, I wouldn't treat the other woman other than by ignoring her, just don't give her such power, to your husband eyes, and/or her own, by wanting to meet/see her. I can't believe it is a question of that specific person or what she means to him, but again, a personal issue of your husband's. He is weaker than you, you are the strongest, he probably really needs you, and it could be that he wants to test the boundaries and his own capacity to exist in the world without you assisting him. Just like adolescents need to explore the world to get stronger and self sufficient outside parents' support.


What is sure is that there's a whole lot of work ahead, whichever way you chose to go.


I believe he wants to stay with you (I believe what he says on that).


Now if he gets it that this time is the ultimate chance, things may happen. It definitely needs to be treated as a trend, like mpl said in an earlier post, as it is more than just this once.


I like that you said he called a counsellor. Sure, he's been reluctant before and still is a bit, but many people (often men in my experience, no offence) are reluctant to open up to strangers, or feel silly and diminished at the thought, it is not uncommon, that's not that bad, the point is he made a move in the right direction. He may need to be encouraged in persisting (if you express your satisfaction/appreciation on his move), if you can, instead of you just observing in the distance whether or not he does the enough/right thing (in case you do that). Because unfortunately, the issue at stake is one that concerns you too, even if it didn't emerge from you (still going on with my little theory here!! I could obviously be totally wrong!!!) as it is about redefining where you both are in your marriage (is it not for everybody at some point along the line for many different reasons? Don't know, not married myself yet, but I'm expecting this one day!), as a couple and/or as individuals, and then with the new cards in hands, just jumping the hurdle and walk together further ahead...?


As I said, I just feel like wanting to be positive about your couple, I just can't help myself feeling that it is genuinely worth it.


And if I'd picked up on a different vibe, I wouldn't have hesitated in thinking you'd be better off without him!!


It's great that you continue telling us about how things are, we can adjust our "advice" depending on what comes out of it.


Keep the energy for your own ultimate benefit, whichever it is eventually.

Sorry for the lenghty post for those who (understandably) won't want to read it.

I only hope Hotwheels will! ;))

Ahacha has a really good vibe going on there...could be just the Christmas spirit you need Hotwheels..

Ahacha - Yes I certainly did take the time to read your lengthy post, thank you for spending the time to post it.


I have found all the posts useful and am grateful because it confirms I am not going mad! Anyway, marriage can be very positive Ahacha so don't be put off by people like me! Wish you well for your future!


Anyhow, just thought I would share some sad news for those who are following this posting. I was told today that a mother I know of (but not a personal friend) has been diagnosed with progressive breast cancer, she has 4 children the youngest is slightly older than my own son. So whilst life and marriage has its problems, this puts things into perspective.


Life is too short to argue, to cheat on each other and to lie and be lied to. What happened between hubby and I, doesn't count as bad luck and it is nothing to be sad about really.


So everyone, be happy and live a full and happy life, be true to yourself and those around you if you can! If you can't (ie if you are a liar/cheater!)then let those around you know as gently as possible, and then GO and DO want YOU really WANTED to. That is the best for everyone, everybody will win, in the long run!


Someone told me that May Flies only live for ONE DAY, and there is an advert of how this May Fly lives life to the fullest, it touched me and I hope if anyone is sad just over a man/woman then have a good re-think about my above news.


Sorry to get so heavy as such, but thought it was worth sharing even if it only makes 1 person feel less hard done by.


Best wishes to everyone, and again thanks for the advice.

dont give up yet.

dont give up yet.

I agree with your advice to Hotwheels mpl.

That's more or less what I was trying to express in perhaps a clumsier way in my last post!

I was glad to see that Hotwheels' anger has somehow subsided a bit too.

Her energy will be used more efficiently to do whatever she needs to do, I think.

And she really deserves to be happy!

Wow, what's with the anger, usexpat16?!!

useexpat16 has been banned. Those comments are offensive and completely unacceptable.

Thanks, Editor. somehow i had confused HK as a place where freedom of expression was at least tolerated. welcome to Nazi Hong Kong.

Ed, sure, usexpat16 used foul language, but that doesn't take away from the points he was making.


"sadie donovan" made offensive suggestions earlier about what hotwheel should do ("spend, spend, then divorce him") and you didn't strike that out?


come on. usexpat16 is making the obvious point. hotwheels wants to play the innocent victim in this. if she feels she is totally in the right, why put up with the husband? why NOT separate? we're all very naive if we don't think a lot of hotwheel's hesitation is that she fears losing her source of income, social status, etc.

Pious Man > i will quote from one of our members 'the only place where you will find freedom of speech is when you are in the shower - alone'


There are rules on this site and if they arent followed we will see people off.


And speaking of nazis, try going to Germany and shouting on the street that Naziism should be tolerated - I believe you will end up in jail for that...

apologies for the use of expletives. note that i did voluntarily ** out the vowels, but accept the verdict. also, note that hotwheels herself called her target a d@ck, and received only sympathy for her victimization.


all i'm asking for is a more thorough disclosure of the facts, viewpoints and motives. people other than me (see aijin, ciml) have noted hotwheel's (subconscious?) priority with preserving her financial situation, all the while saying it's her "relationship" with her husband that's most important.


could this "accidentially" discovered, seemingly innocent SMS be merely an excuse for a little proactive division of assets in hotwheel's favor?

right on, aijin. hotwheels is thinking separation-divorce-"protecting her financial position ("for the kids' sakes, of course")" -- all this after discovering a few non-sexual emails? that's how good and steady the relationship was prior to this "bombshell"?


this is exactly the kind of overreaction that the husband probably feared -- and therefore decided not to tell HW about those meetings. as it turns out, can't blame him.


unless we're going to segregate our society like saudi arabia, there will be male-female contact and friendship outside of family and marriage context out there in the real world. get used to it and chill out, hotwheels and defenders of hotwheels.

Hotwheels,

Will you let go of your marriage that easily?


Before you draw up that separation agreement, and following through with your plans of action, think things through very carefully. You might still be very emotional at this stage which is understandable. Stand back for a bit and weigh the good points of your husband versus the things that he lied about.


Still too early to throw in the towel, Hotwheels. I believe that you still love your husband, but your hurt is clouding your better judgment and prompting you to make a list of (rash) decisions.


I hope it turns out for the best in the days and weeks to come.

No, it's about a bitter man and a calculating woman..


I'm talking about us17 and aijin of course!


Oh I missed the misogynist - ciml

Wow, what a good argument this is turning out to be??! I feel a bit embarassed to cause so much friction on the site-sorry.


I didn't log on this weekend and missed the post that got banned, but judging from the other posts i can imagine that the person thought 'gold digging wife'.


So here is more info.


I am not the gold digger wife that some people would love this thread to be about (maybe they have bad experiences of their own?). I made that comment about 'putting some money in my name' because I have transfered monies for our life here in HK, and now nothing much is in my name. I was aware of how exposed it would leave me with this 'female fever' (a term coined in a past thread) thing in HK that a lot of men seem to suffer from!


I have been housewife for 6 years now, much of it at hubby's request, he thinks kids should be looked after by mum is possible, and he is a type of man who hates the penny pinching wife , especially if I save on me like if I won't buy a branded LV bag or Dior etc and instead go down to say Sogo and get a 200 HK$ bag instead! He needs to feel the power of me being dependent on him I guess, or maybe it is a simple power that he is being a good hubby/dad if his family are materially looked after. As for finance, I really could leave him tomorrow and be able to look after myself and kids, it is not something I am worried about.


I can do what he can, maybe not earn as much but look after my kids better, at least I am here for them.


More later, got to collect from piano lesson! True :)

Momo8, I don't know why you mean about tabloid stuff???


I think you misuderstood my comment, I DO NOT LIKE to spend his money on branded stuff, and he HATES the fact that I WON'T BUY that expensive stuff all the time! I know you can get knock offs, why buy a fake, anyway, everyone knows and how many people actually buy say LV bcos they like the print? It is more bcos it is pricey!


Anyway the above on branded stuff is a new thread :)

Just caught up on this thread, and wow is there naivete in some of the posts!


The guy DOESN'T WEAR HIS WEDDING RING, he LIED to his wife about what he was doing several times, he had SECRET MEETINGS with this chick in bars, he blew away the wife's request to meet the chick, etc.


Without conducting DNA tests, if it looks, sounds and walks like a duck, one is pretty safe in concluding that it is not a dove.



This one looks, sounds and walks like AN AFFAIR! She is absolutely right to suspect that is what is going on.

thank you Karl, you're the one latecomer to the party who has actually read ALL previous posts.


hotwheels, ignore the ignoramuses and stick to what you know and what resonates with you. there's some really great advice and good wishes among the dreck.

Thanks for all the support from everyone; everyone is entitled to their own opinion :)


Enough about me now, let's all 'advise' some other poor lost souls. Just hope that when people post the 'not so nice' comments, they think about whether the thread creator is going to be really upset by the negative comments, because not everyone is used to dealing with **it from the fan (as the saying goes).


OK, time to create a thread on 'Fake bags and the people who buy them!' That's why I think this site is great, a thread about platonic relationships and trust can develop into Designer brands! :)


Best to you all!