Posted by
wildorchid
19 yrs ago
Would you please share your own experience or your comment as to when you feel you want to have a baby with your girlfriend or your wife?
Or why you, guys don't want to have a baby?
As I am in quite a confusing situation at the moment, I would want you to help shed some light on this issue.
Thank you very much!
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Everybody is different. so forgive the gfeneralisations here.
Blokes perspective.
Not many guys want a baby in the same way that women do. Often we say we want a family some day, but not now. However when the baby arrives men change into proud fathers (most of the time)
Bear in mind that there is never a good time to have a baby. There are all the other things we want (feel we need) to do first. CAreer, car, house, reduce the mortgage, holidays, toys. Afterall kids are a huge commitment, financially, timewise, etc.
Also dependes on other things, how old we are, how old you are (yes we consider this), if either of us has had kids before, if there are already kids form a previous marriage (at home or otherwise).
My experience, I am 46, my 2nd wife is 40. I would love to have a kid. But my wife has decided that it is not a good time now, and in a few years time we will be getting to old.
Bear in mind that if we have a baby now I will be about 70 when they finish university.
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Thank you very much, tigerbay.
In my case, we both haven't been married before and we also haven't had any kids yet. My boyfriend is 33 and myself is 34. I always want to have a kid but he doesn't. I didn't push him but I wanted to know if he would ever want to have a kid or not, he said he doesn't want to. I think I understand why he doesn't want to have a kid based on his background, the environment where he was brought up.
Career wise, he is very happy with his new job.
I love him very much and I don't want to loose him, but then I am facing the dilemma to leave him or to stay with him and forget about my disre of having a baby. I am afraid that if I chose to stay with him, there would come the day when I would hate myself and hate him for the choice.
He loves me too but he cannot help me to make my lifetime decision.
Recently I created lots of tension between us because of the stress I was facing due to the aforementioned dilemma. I know that he does not deserve my bad mood and I tried to reduce it, but still, it was too much for him. I am afraid that I am loosing him.
What should I do? Please advise! Thank you!
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Why would being 70 when your child finishes University, be a bad thing??
If everyone looked at life as sensibly as you tigerbay, there would be a massive drop in births worldwide.
You are right, there is no good timing for babies, but life musn't stop because of that fear.
My dad was 41 when I came into the family, so when I graduated he would have been 64. I had to think of that because at the time it never entered my head!! Children love their parents no matter what age!! They don't lose out because you think you won't be able to run around as much as other dads.
What is important is that the child is not brought into the world to "mend" a failing or stagnant relationship. That is where pressure is put on an innocent and could inevitably lead to harm for everyone.
Just be sure this is what you want... sleepless nights, unconsolable crying bundles of dependence and warmth... wet beds, smelly nappies... smiles and giggles, new teeth poking through a wide gummy grin.
THINK CAREFULLY!!
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Lammasita
I am the one who would like a baby. On the age thing. Sending kids OS to uni will cost USD 30000+ per year. I am not rich and I was kinda thinking of being retired by then.
Like I said there is no good time, we rationalise then nature does its thing anyway. There are many unplanned babies and many delighted older parents.
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Tigerbay - not everything revolves around money!! I paid my own way through Uni... my dad had left us by then and so he had no reason to pay for me at all!! It's not compulsory to spoil your child and give them eveything their hearts desire!! There is also a place to teach them the value of money and how to look after it!! I actually think you would be great at teaching your child that!! And think, when you do retire, they can be there to make sure you are comfortable!!!
You just have to look after them up to Uni age!!!
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Lammasita
It is still scary. LOL
Wildorchid
You have to decide. If the kids thing is non-negotiable for you, you should move on.
Also there is no guarantee that you could have kids, even if you tried. Sadley about 1 in 7 couples can't.
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>Miss P: yes he was very clear from the beginning but as I mentioned on another thread, I waited for him to change his mind as time goes by and I did not mentioned about this issue to him until recently we talked frankly about this again and he said very clearly to me that he does not want to have a baby.
I don't want to be a single parent and I think it would be quite egoistic from my side if my baby does not have a father. It would be different if a couple was divorced.
>tigerbay: I know that I have to make the choice which is so painful for me. But if you said only 1/7 fails to have kids, the figure gives me a little encouragement though to stay with my boyfriend.
Why life is so complicated???
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>wild orchid
I'm a guy who always wanted a family, maybe because of all the great times I had growing up myself, and luckily have my two daughters. They're such a great part of my life I don't want to even imagine it without them. And they were born when I was 48 and 52 yr but can't see that has ever been any problem, and feel that I'm a much better father than I would have been when younger.
But I've known a lot of people who never wanted to have have children. This includes my younger brother who is in his second marriage now, but no kids and anyway had a vasectomy years ago. Also a few HK couples, good jobs, high IQs, active lives etc but just don't want kids.
These people are family and friends, and I accept they can have their own view, but couldn't accept it for my own relationship. If having kids is important to you as you stay, them my advice would be don't stick with this guy, it's too big a difference to live with.
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>Economist: thanks so much for sharing your view.
>JC: I agree that "us being happy" does not mean that the happiness will last forever.
You're all right. I have to see what is more important for me and make my own decision.
But it's still such a difficult decision which just easily breaks my heart and my head.
Anyway, will report to you later how thing's going on.
Thank you all again for giving me your points of view.
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rats
19 yrs ago
Probably I am the one saying the opposite of others here.
I had a colleauge/mentor who is older than me, she loves childern and wants to have one an here is the answer she gave me when I asked her why didn't she have any childern.
'I want to have childern but not my husband, and the life of two is still very happy/interesting and we are still in love with other after 35 years of marriage. (I guess she was trying to say I wish to have kids, but I love my husband more.)'
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I don't want to have a baby, but I like practicing? (sorry, I couldn't resist) :P
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I am so confused with my problem but still could not help laughing at your statement, cyber!
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It's a reference to a previous thread... I said it to a woman I went on a date from the personals with. It won't help your plight any... but you can laugh a little by reliving it here: http://hongkong.asiaxpat.com/forums/relationships/threads/73164.asp
As for your serious question about when to have a baby... I am 36. If you asked me 10 years ago if I wanted to have a family, i would have said YES. Today, the answer is I'M NOT SURE. I have never really felt ready to have a baby... always thought i needed a better job, should own a house, more stability... yada yada yada...
Now, at 36, i think i could be just as happy without a family as with. There are advantages to both...
But if it's important to you, and you're sure about your decision, then tick tock my dear, the click is ticking and I'd suggest you find a like minded mate... difficult as that decision might be.
Best of luck!
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rats
19 yrs ago
Wildorchid, some additional info. I personally do not want babies and I told my fiance before he poposed to me. He, never seriously thought about wanting kids or not and thought it is just natural to have kids in his culture. Tell me this:
'You are the one I want to be with and I want to be with you. If you don't want kid, it is ok for me. I don't need to have a child to "complete" my life.' yes, it may sound a bit cheesy. But again, it shows you it all depends on your value. And what is more important to you - to be with the one you truly love and adore, or to have a flesh of your own.
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Thank you all very much for your posts. I find them all meaningful to me at the moment and I am sure it will help me very much in making my dicision.
>cyber: I had been following and enjoying your thread very much.
>Pumpkin: I've been thinking over the issue the last 2-3 nights and it seems that my decision will probably be like yours since I value our relationship so much and all I can see at the moment is the pain of getting separated if I stick to my having a baby desire.
>A me: no, I don't want to have a baby for the sake it having it. I want to have it with my boyfriend only, otherwise I could have made it either by myself or with any other guy.
What I have learnt by my own experience now is that one cannot get everything one wants. Sacrifice for a real love is needed, no matter who makes that sacrifice.
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wildorchid, having a child and having a loving partner are both highlights of a live well lived...but as you point out, you can't always have everything you want, when you want it. my ex-husband and i got married and had our son right away - we simply couldn't wait. but we ended up divorced. would i have made different decisions back then? no way! i could not have had one without the other.
the point is that you must to decide what your goals are, go for them, and then do the very best you can under the circumstances. you have already clarified above that you want to have a child specifically with your beloved...but sadly he does not want to have a child. i think you have already made a decision...but whatever you do, don't live in the hope that you will somehow change his mind. down that path lies your own suffering of unmet - and unrealistic - expectations.
i truly feel sympathy for your dilemma. i am so happy that i have an amazing son, and even though i would have liked to have had one more child (i believe it's good for kids to have at least one sibling) at least i don't have to worry about my biological clock ticking away. my son also serves as a very good filter for prospective partners: i always tell people right away that i have a son - the crap candidates stay away, as they want nothing to do with a single mother, and the good ones try their best to earn both my and his approval.
having said that all that, i would never ever recommend that any woman just go have a baby sans committed father or father-figure, because i also believe it is our responsibility to bring a child into the world within an intact family unit. one last thing: my ex-husband and i are very amicable and he is a great father, very much present and supportive. just some more things to think about as you ponder your difficult decision.
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I am the great father of two adorable girls and father of three. Giving birth is a delightment, be sure that all your fears will vanish like magic. However be reminded that these kids belong first to god, not to you!
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When I got married 4 years ago, my husband and I decided that on our first year we won't have children. We were well aware of the responsibilities, etc and we wanted to enjoy each other's company without distractions..
On our second year, we said, ok let's try. Unfortunately, I had slipped disc so was advised to postpone pregnancy until all treatments and rehab sessions were over. A few months after recovering from my back injury, found out I had cancer of the cervix and had to undergo radical hysterectomy. Then there was chemo and radiation therapy..I'm done with remission and now considered cancer-free and cured :) It was an enriching experience altogether, but maybe thats another thread..
Going back to this issue, my point is, WE do not decide when we CAN get pregnant WHEN we want to. Sure all my other repro organs were healthy and so were my husband's, and we were both ready emotionally, spiritually, etc to have a child. But then again, fate plays a huge role and we all fall prey to its intentions and meanings.
For some people, like my husband, having the love of his life beside him is far more important than having a child.
Listen to what your heart is telling you. More often than not, it is correct.
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>annebin: Thanks so much for sharing your story indeed. And sorry that it happened to you. But if we look at the positive side of it, we still can say fortunately that you have such a loving husband.
I agree with you about listening to what our heart tells us. And I will tell you all what my heart is telling me soon in gratitude to what you all have shared with me here.
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Baby/ies help keeps life meaningful and can help motivate and bring out the best of you.
When life become dull and aimless. It's time.
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rats
19 yrs ago
grace- it sounds a very selfish reason.
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no thanks - it's a huge commitment. Unless the kid is a scholar or a pro athelete, there's no point in raising a kid. Why bring a kid into this ephmereal world?
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More of an ephemeral life rather than world...
saying that, the human race is doing it's best to detroy the planet...
I've noticed that it is the intelligent society that thinks as DallasCowboys and so have fewer (if any) children. The more uneducated, seem to breed like rabbits, thus perpetuating the downward spiral of the human race....
..and in turn, our planet...
...don't know a feesible solution to that one!
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"I am the great father ..."
There's a quote that goes something like: a man who thinks he is wise is less worth your attention than a fool.
There's confidence, and then there's egotistical ignorance. My mother's biggest worry was that she wasn't a good mother. That's what made her such a great mum.
A child should be raised in a loving family environment, emotionally and financially secure.
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you said it, teenytiny! *clap*clap*clap*
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@@
19 yrs ago
I don't know any one who has ever said they wished they didn't have kids, only those who wished they had........ must be something in that?
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Wildorchid - perhaps one thing to consider is that your b/f doesn't want to have kids with you. It's a harsh thing to say but we all know people who have told their partners they don't want to get married/ have kids only to get together with a new person and find themselves hitched/ up the duff within a year.
Don't deny yourself the chance to start a family without finding out the truth about your partner's feelings.
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wildorchid - since vulvic has brought it up, i must agree. two things: first, when i had just met my bf and we were in our getting-to-know-you phase, i asked him why he and his last significant gf didn't work out (they were together nearly 9 years). he said that in the end, he decided he didn't want to have a family...with HER. the bottom line for him was that she was not the person he saw as the mother of his children. (i can't believe she didn't kill him on the spot for wasting her bloody time, but that's another story....)
which brings me to the second thing: very early on he told me he'd love to have a child with me! i was honest and immediately said i didn't want to be a mother again, period, and i would be happy to cut him loose if starting a family was in his life plan. it has nothing at all to do with him - in fact, if we were just 10 years younger when we first met i would absolutely have babies with this man. it has everything to do with me, amnd the fact that i don't want to be raising a toddler as i enter my forties. and i already have a son. (as you know from our other thread, the bf is still very much in my life.)
the point is that people have all sorts of reasons for not wanting to have babies. but vulvic is absolutely right about one thing: don't deny yourself the chance to start a family.
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Thank you vulvic and vor. The point is that we'd been very good friends for 1 year and a hlf before we came together. During that time, we talked so much about ourself and what we expected from this life, work wise and personal life wise. He always told me that he didn't want to have kids. Later on when we came together, I thought I would be able to chane his mind one day.
I think it has something relating to his own family situation. His father left his mother and the kids when he was a small child. He's grown up without the father's care and "education" and he mentioned about that to me many times before and after we are together.
I think it might be better for both of us to decide about having a kid if we had time to live together for a while. Since we are in LDR all the time, see each other 5-6 times per year for 1-2 weeks. We did not have time to really live together. Although he alwyas says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, wihthout any doubt.
But on the other hand, your argument could be right. I am trying to figure it out how he feels about me. I have to admit that he has endured me over the last year as I turned annoying because of the distance.
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you two have a solid foundation of friendship before your relationship evolved to what it is now. from what you tell us, it isn't that he doesn't want to have kids with you specifically, and neither is it because you have turned "annoying becaise of the distance"! not at all. :-)
it is very simply that he has said from day 1 that he doesn't want kids. which brings us back to the beginning: in the end, it will be your decision, and your move. and a heart-wrenching one too, since we know how much you love him.
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That's right, vor, he does not want to have kids in general, not that he doesn't want it with me specifically. A comforting excuse:-)
But I've turned annoying since 1 year, I can see it very clearly because I failed to get a job in the same city with him after many many tries.
I've made up my mind that I want to be with him hoping that he will change his mind one day on the one hand and accepting that he won't change his mind or even accepting the risk of getting separate in the future, on the other hand. I've learnt it from him that no one knows what comes tomorrow, so a bird in one's hands is better then 2 in the bush.
Did not tell him about my decision, though. I want to take a bit more time to be sure for myself and tell him when there's absolutely no doubt anymore.
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Wildorchid - this is a very sad situation. Sorry for raising the possibility about him not wanting a baby with you but it one reason to explore and VOR also backed it up. However, from what you have said this is not the case and the simple fact is he doesn't want kids at all.
Personally I couldn't give up my chance to have kids. One thing I will say is that life is full of surprises and sometimes the most heart-wrenching of situations can turn into something wonderful.
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Thank you, vulvic, for your sympathy. I do believe in surprises that life brings to us and I hope that there will come the day when we have time to live together and he will want to have a kid then.
The other surprise could also be that I cannot have kids, what would be then? So I think I have to live today instead of thinking so far ahead. And today I have his love and my love to him.
As I mentioned before, even if we want to have kids, we still need to make a plan for it in terms of finance as well as mentality. So it would take another 2-3 years for that.
I can be blind and look stupid bit isn't that all about love? And I do love this man so dearly even after 2 and a half year in distance with so many ups and downs.
I will fly to his place in over the next weekend and we'll have a serious talk about that.
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Good for you, it sounds as if you have reconciled yourself for now but remember priorities are changeable things. As for planning for a baby, that sounds good in theory but in practice there is never a 'right' time to have one. Sometimes the little nippers come at a time when you least expect, lol!
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When a guy says he doesn't want chldren, it doesn't mean he won't forever.
My 44-year old brother has been a bachelor for the longest time, in and out of relationships, some short ones, some serious. His first marriage was annulled more than 10 years ago and they didn't have children.
In the past he has always said he doesn't want and need the burden of having a child. And when he hit 40, the more that he became resolute about not having kids.
So surprise, surprise, his girlfriend got pregnant (unplanned and most unexpected) and now he is the most excited daddy-to-be!
Oh, and they got married..
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That's exactly the miracle I hope for, annebin! And I do also agree with vulvic that the priorities change. So I know it know that my priority is being with my man, it may change in future, but that's is the problem of tomorrow:-)
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rats
19 yrs ago
Wildorchid- just follow your heart. we only live once~ (cliche cliche but it is soooooooo true :P
Maybe you should learn to accept that your man doesn't want a baby for real in the rest of his life. And learn to enjoy your life with him. As you said, you want a baby with the one you love. there is a causal relationship here- you love the man so much that you want to have a baby with him as you love baby in general as well. (correct me if i misunderstand). So the everything is based on your love to YOUR MAN afterall. So why bother so much about having baby?
If he changes his mind one day, it is a bonus.But pray not expect for the coming of this day as it may never come.
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