Posted by
grrrrrr
14 yrs ago
Hi all, i really need your opinions here - both genders, or guys preferably. So here goes: I went on a first date with a guy. We had a great time - he was flirting with me. He even told me that he is attracted to me, and likes me. Throughout the night, he keeps saying he is honest and direct. I know he was hitting on me. He told me a few times that he found me attractive, sexy, hot etc. We kissed a few times throughout the night. Truth be told we got along very well - topics of conversation were just flowing non-stop. He suggested to have me go over to his place for sex (what else). I told him no as i was flying out the next day, plus it was only first time meeting him. Also told him that i am not looking for a one night stand tonight. I will be back in town a week later and i told him to meet then and we can have fun. Partly reasons for not wanting to sleep with him was because i had to wake up early to pack for my trip, and i'd prefer if there were no rush or stress on my part. Meaning, he can lie in till noon etc and me not having to be stressed abt packing my bags.
I just received a mail from him saying that he likes me, he had a great time spent with me but he does not want to go further right now. and that i remind of someone and he is not ready to face that yet.
So my question is what happened? After all the flirting and seduction play on his part, and just because i did not want to sleep with him - he sends me this mail? Am i missing something or what? Is he a player?
If you need to know our nationalities to deduce the situation, i am Asian, hes French.
Thanks so much for your replies in advance!
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His actions speak much more than any advice we could give.
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Does our nationalities really have that big of an impact on our sex life??? Isn't that a bit stereotypical? And just because she is Asian, doesn't mean that if she meets an Asian guy they will treat her right.
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Maybe grrrrrr is too easy.
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Thanks all for the replies. If i were to be THAT easy, i'd have jump him right away and not reject him.
Right now, i am thinking if i shld reply to his mail, or not. I mean, it was nice spending that time with him, and truth be told, i'd like to sleep with him when i get back to the city. And no, i am also not looking for a relationship (just got out of one not too long ago).. and i think it will be nice to have someone there.. I did mention this to him that i'd like to see him when i get back and have also made it clear i am not looking for anything serious. FWB, perhaps.
Shld i reply to his mail? and if yes, what shld i say?
of course, needless to say, i am quite taken aback by his mail - given the amount of flirting going on the whole night, from my end too. I am as guilty as he is - cos i am attracted to him and i have told him that.
hmmm whats next?
Thanks all!
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I am not susre if you are not easy, but DON'T BE SILLY. I am totally with madtown and Tommyknocker, no need to reply his message, he can't be more clear. His last message to end it deserves some respect for him though, many instead just disappear in the air, phew~~~~
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Hoyo, can you elaborate a little bit?
I used to have a French boyfriend and now am working for a French company all surrounded by French engineers, but still have no absolute clear idea of how they act and react :)
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Yo Hoyo :p
so let me get this right. He sent me a mail saying that he does not want to go further despite agreeing that we had a great time etc (as in my initial post), blah blah.... And if i understand you correctly given your experience with people from that country, hes playing some mind games with me... hmmm, damn i hate mind games!
i sent him a mail earlier - content of the mail was along the lines of 'me being surprised by the turn of events, and it was a great night. And that i wld like us to hang out but as friends etc..." his reply was "yes and that friends maybe could be the better fit..."
so what does that say now? i know it means it as it is.. but i am thinking, if we do hang out as friends when i get back, can i still sleep with him?? And am i now supposed to be the one to start the seduction game on him etc?
i dont know what or how to reply his last mail - so i plan on letting it be till i get back to the city.
MEN and their mind games! Sorry, needed to rant that out :p
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Have you read the book "He is not that into you"? its hilarious and it might help you a little. Better luck next time.
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Yup, agree with ladygaga. He's not into you.
Consider yourself lucky that you didn't give in that night. You will know when you've found the right man because he wouldn't write what this guy has written.
Good luck.
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sicn
14 yrs ago
This post is exhausting! Grrrr, listen to Hoyo, stop playing this silly mind games!
I tell ya, the real quality good guys out there never watch, read, or follow anything related to "Sex and the city" because those are just bunch of BS made for the weak, the pretentious, and the fake.
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All he wants is to sleep with you - if you are happy with that and nothing else - fire away. My view is that he is a little immature and took your slight as a real kick in the nuts. His response is typical play ground stuff. Good luck, you'll need it.
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You're right to refuse sex on a first date.
Now, I suggest you stop trying to second-guess this guy. From my experience people usually misinterpret each others signals, especially cross culture. Simplifing assumptions such as westerners (married or single) just want one night stands do not help. Nor does game playing.
Go out with him, and see where it leads you.
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Oh for goodness sake grow up!!!
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As an Englishman who has lived in France, I can assure you this is a typical French response. If you play hard to get, so will he. He will throw back what you say in your face. I have seen them play the field like this so often. In the UK and the US, this is considered quite rude so most men don't have the nerve to do it - which I suppose is why the French have a reputation for being successful in love (outside France). If the lady is not used to it, then - like the OP - she is wrong-footed as is willing to throw herself at the guy to make sure he doesn't get away. If you have any female friends who are French, ask them how to respond. I would suggest you feign boredom next time you meet.
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I don't think the French thing is anything to do with it. He's attached and had an opportunity on the night, now he doesn't want a relationship with communications over an extended time that can be discovered by his regular partner.
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Grrrr.....
Hello !!!!!??? Wake up....you sound like a mature and educated women...all this French guy wanted was some quick one-night sex from you...Move on...find other guys....Everyone is saying "aaahhh just go ahead, have sex with him"...don't mean to sound old-fashioned or a priss....but bear in mind that if this French guy is sleeping around with many different girls in Shanghai (who are in return sleeping with multiple partners) he could end up giving you a nice dose of STD.....
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too much analyzing.
It's actually quite simple. As mrs smith just said, he had a spontaneous attitude to sex. You were both flirting and kissing, so obviously he got horny and wanted to take you home. Don't read too much into it. Most men are very much in tune with their sexual nature, so if you use sexual innuendos, they respond fast.
Nobody knows whether a man who sleeps with you would actually want to see you again.
But if he didn't sleep with you when he felt like it, when conditions were right (at least for him) the next day he might have something else (or someone else) on his mind, maybe work is occupying is thoughts, his rational mind is switched on, and so he doesn't feel the same urge to sleep with you that he had that night.
If you really fancied him, you should have seized the moment. If you contact now, you will come across as pretty desperate...and that opens the door to power games. He might think that you are not a good catch after all, because you are still obsessing about some inconsequential flirting in some bar, where you probably had some drinks. It's easy to get on with strangers after a few drinks...Don't make a mountain of a molehill...move on to the next French guy...plenty of them in Shanghai, as he will probably move on to the next Chinese girl (millions of them in Shanghai)
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Wohhhh...I can't believe it that the advice you are getting here is that you should have slept with the man. Listen, normal men do not drop a woman because she didn't sleep with them on the FIRST DATE.
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I'm with My Hong Kong on this...although there is something to be said about the three date rule.
If this guy dropped you like a hot potato (or a cold fish) after the one session, then he gets checked into the "not a keeper" pile.
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Only women with loose morals would have sex on the first date.
Why buy the cow when the milk is free
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"Only women with loose morals would have sex on the first date. "
if it were still the 18th or even 19th century, I'd agree. There is nothing wrong with sex on the first date, if it feels right and both want it. I admire women who are confident about their sexuality and get sex when they want it and need it.
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Dear grr..
I don't think you really need second opinion to decipher what he's telling you, and it is definitely not a mind game he's playing. I think it's quite crystal clear what he is telling you. He was attracted to you, but was only looking for ONS (could be multiple - who knows).
The thing is you need to be clear about what YOU want and stop giving mixed messages. During your first meeting, you told him you weren't looking for ONS (which implies you are looking for "something more" aka "a relationship"). Then after he sent you the email, you sort of backtracked on your mind and said that you don't mind "just sleeping with him". I think you need to be clear and consistent on what you want... that way you'll know what to do.
My guess is that you do want some sort of a relationship... (just a side comment, if you're just sleeping with him, don't count on him being there for you). But you start to rationalize the benefit of just sleeping with him because, oh well, you know, he's charming, attractive, fit, dresses well, (he's french afterall) and you're alone... Pretty common mistake amongst us girls.
If you decide that you want a relationship, cut loose... forget him, move on. Do not contact him.
If you decide that you want a ONS, well... in that case, when you're back in town, do email or call him, ask him out for dinner or drinks. Sure you reek of desperation, but who cares. I'm sure he is bound to say yes to you after a few tries... and then flirt... and voilla!! you get what you want...
Hope this helps.
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