Desperately unhappy

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We were having some problems (he works very hard and I feel second rate to his job) and decided to get counselling (or rather, I wanted counselling and he agreed to go, although he's seeing no issues at all). I was also diagnosed with depression 4.5 years ago and have been taking medication since.


Before we had a chance to do that, we went on a holiday overseas where I was happy for the first time in many years. I also met someone there who made me feel as I've never felt before - this sounds totally silly, but I have the whole butterflies in the stomach, unable to breath, weak at the knees feelings. We didn't act on our feelings because I would never be unfaithful to my husband, and the man is also too honourable to consider cheating.


When we returned home about 10 days ago, I found out I got pregnant on the trip (my doctor told me over a year ago that I couldn't have children), and have descended into the darkest period of my life to the point that I am having suicidal thoughts everyday. I haven't been able to get out of bed or eat or stop crying. To complicate matters, I also just got offered the career opportunity of a lifetime last night.


I feel so guilty for not being excited and happy about the baby, particularly when it was thought that I would never have this opportunity before. But I haven't been able to stop sobbing violently for over a week. I miss the man I met and I miss the feelings that I had, which I've never felt before with anyone else. I don't know what to do.

Thanks Buddha for your kind words... I should clarify that the my husband is definitely the father of the baby. I have never been unfaithful to him, and hopefully never will...


I am concerned however, about bringing a child into the world when a few weeks ago our marriage was on the line. Now it seems all is ok to him and I think the denial will come back and bite us later. Divorce is so much uglier when there are children involved.


In any case, it's a great struggle even to get out of bed and wash my face each day. I am constantly sick and have lost all appetite, I don't know if I can sustain this for 9 months.

All I can say, it is the hardships in life that define us. It's how we deal with it and how we come out of it. It seems, according to you, that your child is a miracle. I don't know what your religion is, but what ever the religion, your are blessed and should feel blessed. I feel, that your feelings is all of the flesh. Think about your husband. Bring your true nature out. Be real. Life is about sacrifices.

Thank you all for your concerns and kind words... I deteriorated so much about two weeks ago that I couldn't get out of bed or eat. Was sleeping about 20 hours a day and my husband had to remove all sharp objects and medicines from the house and was with me constantly. I also lost 5 kgs (I only weigh about 53 to begin with). We went to counselling together and I became much better. I actually got dressed last week and went back to work!!


Unfortunately I lost the baby yesterday - I can't help but feeling guilty for not wanting it in the first place and blame myself - even though my doctor has always had concerns about my pregnancy from the beginning. I know I still have a long way to go before I could get better completely. So I am going away for a two-week R&R, then when I'm back, will continue with the counselling (both with my husband and on my own).


Thank you all again for your kind words.

Even though losing the baby is a bummer, it will help you in the long term. You need not carry around these feelings of guilt and depression. And you can take up the career opportunity of a lifetime!! Put the baby stuff on hold for a few years, sort yourself out, and things will become even better.

See - it wasn't so bad as you thought - every cloud has a silver lining.

do u have to work or stay home only


try to do something to make your life much meaningful rather than just wait for ur husband


sometimes, we have to learn how to mange our lives by ourselves. It will be happier. this is my experience

Dear Helsinki,

Your depression doesn't seem to be due to an unhappy marriage or a lack of children, since it predates your marriage and supposed-sterility.

I am sure you have now realised that your husband serioulsy cares for you and that you are not second to his job, after he took care of you when you were so unwell. It is even possible that he burried himself in work because he didn't know how to deal with your depression.

I am saying this because I don't understand why you sought counselling only after years of medication. Medication is only good if it goes with therapy.

Depression makes us unable to appreciate anything good about ourselves and our lives. Therapy will help you find out why, and your therapist will help you overcome that monster inside you that makes you feel threatened by anything positive that happens to you.

Perhaps what you have (a loving husband and professional recognition) doesn't make you happy because you somehow feel you don't deserve it or that it is too much. Perhaps you suffer from low self-esteem because of something in your childhood or past experiences (your feeling of guilt about everything you do or don't do makes me think that). You will appreciate everything you have once you've discovered what's been bothering you for all these years and you have dealt with it.

You probably don't realise how positive it is that you posted here, and that you are getting help! It shows you want to be happy, that you want to live and want to beat this!!! You're doing the right thing getting help, and your husband is now doing the right thing taking it seriously, that's a very good start!

Be patient, though, therapy can take a long time, but it's the right way to go at depression.

I hope you see the silver lining soon.

what work do you do helsinki? i am thinking maybe it is not the job that makes you happy? can you cope with it with your depression because sometimes it all becomes too much.