Posted by
romain84
18 yrs ago
I am here in a bad situation. I have a son, 3 years old, living in France with his mother. I haven't seen him for a year, cause I am living too far. It's been more than 2 years im working as an xpat in different countries and come back in france occasionally. Moreover I'm not really in good terms with her. That's why his mother has decided that it will be better for him if i don't see him again and so let us live with her new bf. Obviously I disagree with her decision.
But what can I do? need advices, solutions...
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Yes, but leaving far away from him since more than two years could be a reason for a court.
I really don,t know what to do, maybe she also could be right. He needs stability. And I am not the one who will give it. Maybe I should first think what's good for him and not for me.
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Hi Romain,
This is your son and you have the right as a father no matter how bad your relationship is with your wife. Know your rights and come to terms with the situation.
Perhaps you are not able to offer stability such as fortnightly visits as you are far away but there are other workable alternatives. Explore all options and come up with best solution. Does that help?
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Bonjour, am a French lady, my ex is living in France too, so got some experience with visiting rights etc. You can contact me here on asiaXpat or on hkfrenchie@yahoo.com, so if you wish, I can put you in touch with some legal advisors here who are entitled to work both in HK and in France.
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Romain,
If you love your kid you should try to get a job in France. I was married to a French bastard who pent year going back and forth to Guangzhou because as I foudn out later had a mistress. I have a 5 year old who had suffered enourmously everytime daddy left. Things aren't as easy for kids. They need balance and a lots od stability. My son is not an easy kid and I blame it on the lack of father figure. it would take my son about 3 weeks to a month to start behaving, he would always regress on whatever he had mastered. Tantrums, night cries calling his biological father and lots of sadness were a common denominator each time. He had problems at school (pre-K) and daycare center. Everyone knew when daddy was gone and tried helping him deal with the loss. Web cams do not help. They just tend to confuse kidas and make their pain more constant. I cried my eyes out the time we tried it and my son would not stop kissing the screen!!! If you really love your son go back to him or just leave him alone. The worst thing you can do to his mind is start with legal proceedings in order to take him away from his mom(WHO HAS ALWAYS BEEN WITH HIM)to please your selfishness or guilt. Think of the times he has been sick, weren't you comfortably sleeping while his single mother had to bear the situation. I do apologise if I am too harsh but I have been there and it is no joke, my son suffered a lot.
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Aijin,
I am surprised you still remember former threads but if I recall this one has nothing to do with what you call yadda, yadda. Child welfare is in the line and I lived it. I doubt you have kids so let us "THE ONES WHO DO" give our open opinion.
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Unfortunately there is a vast discrepancy in regards to reality and facts. Children should not need to learn to call a picture, voice DADDY. A father does what it takes to be around his kid. No pity here. ANY MAN CAN GET A WOMAN PREGNANT BUT ONLY A FEW WILL ACTUALLY EARN THE "DADDY" TITLE as well as the RESPECT that comes with it. Being a provider does not give anyone the right to disturb the mental well being of a forming mind.
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Thanks for all these advices. Following what you've all said, I should use a legal process. But first, will I have to go back in france for a while? Because I do need and want to keep my job in Hong kong. I am pretty happy with my situation here.The only thing missng is my son. Second I do love my son and don't think that involve him in a legal process will help for his stability. I know it will be difficult to convince her without any legal procedures, but how can I approach this problem with her otherwise. Any ideas ?
I am not giving up now but I wish I had more energy to fight. I don't even understand my behavior. I really need him but I am not doing enough to see him.
By the way, I ll just wanted you all who help me, that my son's name is ETHAN
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The 13th Apostle it is over 2 years that my son is taking therapy, he does have behavioural problems and anger management which has improved with the time and consistency of his environment/routine. He suffers from PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorte Not otherwise identified) and has improved a lot with ABA Therapy. I am a full time working mother so I reckon I can not afford to spend as much time as I can with him. I have made sure taht he gets the best help there is and I closely monitor what is going on with him at school. He is getting better but we still have a long way ahead. It is a blessing that although his problems he will still be able to attend regular school. He is very bright and funny. He has learned to be happy without a male role model. My life is not easy and I have accepted things the way they are. It is a regret though that if I had managed to get my divorce earlier I would have saved my son from going through a few regressions. It is all over now, I do not hate my ex but I can not forget how hard this has been for my son.
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viper
18 yrs ago
It's taken me 5 years to get to a stage where my 18yr old son is now finally living with me and we are really enjoying each other. What helped was deciding to make a dramatic shift in my attitude towards my ex-wife. Up till then things wre strained and hostile. I made the effort to write down all the things I appreciated about her (instead of focussing on all the things I hated about her!!). I then communicated all this to her, and we are now good friends. All it takes is a moment's shift - what have you got to lose?? To me, using legal processes is like getting someone else to do your work and carry your responsibilities.
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Fleur
18 yrs ago
Romain84 you said "I really need him but I am not doing enough to see him." That speaks volumes...... .
Where are Ethan's needs in this?
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viper, hats off to you - very well done.
my ex-husband and i did use the legal process to get divorced but in the end we both fired our lawyers and drafted our own divorce agreement.
just because you separate or divorce does not absolve you of parenthood, which is forever. which means if you really love your child and have his best interests at heart, despite no longer loving the person you made him with, you may as well get along with that person - your fellow parent for life.
sorry romain84, your focus and priority is obviously yourself. just admit it, then do for your son what you can actually deliver on. something is better than nothing of course, but - just acknowledge what you are and aren't willing to do. start there.
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I also think that a legal process is not necessary the solution. But she and I are now not really hearing and understand each other. she made me suffer a lot. And I'm not really ready to forgive her. VIPER, I will try to write down on a paper what I appreciate about her. It sounds a good idea to help to forgive.
Talking about the best for him, she really thinks that the best for Ethan is to hide him is real father and let do the stepfahter until he'll be older and can decide what he wants to do.
Honestly, I know my needs, but does Ethan really needs me as far as he has a familly in France.
My point is that I prefer to know that he is happy without me than see him and make him destabilized.
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Romain, I can assure you that to some extent I completely agree with your ex. A 24hr parental figure is what Ethan needs. I do not know if your son has been suffering the situation as badly as mine did but I will always wish that my ex did not leave earlier. Something as simple as having either mom or dad pick the kid up from the Daycare is very meaningful for them. They see other kid's parents and they miss not being like them. If my kid was sick, he would ask for daddy, because there were always daddies at the doctor's office. It hurts them so much, once they get used to having no daddy things get better. The changes are far too significant. Think carefully and if your priority is still going to be YOU. Start writing letter Ethan will be able to read when he is older.
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18 yrs ago
You are still his real father no matter what, nothing will change that.
Maybe now it is "destabilising" but imagine what it will be like for him as a teen to know he was deprived of you? There will be a lot more anger amd twisted feelings to cope with in a teenager, it will be much harder for you to break through that.
I agree you should go gently, try to make peace with your ex, it is much better than a legal process.
But at the very least, you should keep the doorway to your son OPEN, don't let it shut.
You love him, that is why you miss him, he loves you too, and he needs to know you love him.
A scrapbook is a great idea, even if you can't give it to him now, at some point he will know he was always important to you.
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Ovo, unless you live such a situation you can't possibly imagine the millions of situations in which a parent's role is expected (birthdays/first/last day of school/surgery, etc.) If I wrote a list of what I have been through/witnessed you'd need lots of tissue. I am very glad time helps to heal though.
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