A Gates between Business and personal



ORIGINAL POST
Posted by PerfectWorld07 15 yrs ago
I am a professional woman, successful and very attractive. I have few business partner which most of them are guys. One of my partners attracted to me and very aggressive.

At one time we had dinners together with him, which I did it for a good reason of being partnership.

But now seems he thinks differently and he required more than that, which made me uneasy.

In fact that he is married and has one kid, which I never want to go trough another person married.


So my question is how to put a GATES between business partners and personal involved in a polite way?


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COMMENTS
tigerbay 15 yrs ago
The only things I can suggest are

To take a third party to dinner when you have to meet him.

To eat dinner in the main restaurant, and avoid the private rooms it there is only the two of you.

Tell him politely that you will not date him. Tell him that you will never mix business and pleasure, it is unprofessional.


Remember, he is the one who is not behaving properly.


Another way of stopping this is if you can get to meet and know his wife. If you become friendly with his wife (a perfectly normal thing to do) he would be really stupid to continue chasing you. When you meet her, invite her for coffee and get her mobile number. Make sure he sees this, or if he doesn't make him aware of it. You don't do anything except make a friend and go for coffee. But you have built a gate.

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princess1234 15 yrs ago
Agreed.

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PerfectWorld07 15 yrs ago
I am very much appreciated of your suggestion, Tigerbay.

I might take one of the options, which I was thought at the same think what exactly I want to do before posted. Just need to reconfirm that He will not feel bad.


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searching3773 15 yrs ago
I find this question odd to be honest. It's the easiest thing in the world to communicate to a guy. Everything from the way one dresses to body language to clear verbal language etc. It's not hard.


I think you have another question or there's another issue here but not quite sure what it is.


It sounds like the guy is harrassing you or abusing his position as a business partner to try to force sexual favours. Do you really want to do business with a guy like this? If this is the case, do you really think being friends with his wife will stop anything? He obviously doesn't respect her at all if he's behaving this way so I don't think it'll put him off.


Have you already made it very clear in every way that this is not only off the table but disturbing to you and must stop? Has it persisted despite that? If so, then you need to get out. Plain and simple. There are other business partners in this world who won't behave this way. If you can't find them, it would be better off going it alone than putting up with this crap.


Or


is your question really "How can I keep attracting him to get the best business terms but close the door on anything further?"


You say:

"At one time we had dinners together with him, which I did it for a good reason of being partnership. But now seems he thinks differently and he required more than that, which made me uneasy."


You say 'we' had dinners with him. If there were several people at the dinner, how did he get the wrong idea? If it's the fact that he's engaged in wild imaginings, you will never cure him or stop this. If it's because of something that happened at the dinner, you need to look at your part in that.


So what's the real question here?



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PerfectWorld07 15 yrs ago
Searching3773,

Interesting question... I like that.



Somewhat you are right; he seems abusive being business partners, and for being friends with his wife maybe not possible due to his family problem. He loves the kid, but he doesn’t like his wife behavior. Please don’t ask further about his wife due to the privacy, and even his wife nothing to do with me anyway.

However the dinners that we had there are no other peoples from our project, just happen after work because he said he needs my opinion for his family problem solutions. I don’t really mind of helping him to solve his problem, but closed the doors on anything further as you said …

I believed that some time we need others too, that’s why I am there.


I haven’t clear it out yet, just need to wait for the right time. I do like to do business with him, he has a lot of energy and capable of doing our project. But I have to see how things are going either he need to be IN or OUT.


And I don’t have to keep my attraction to him; in general most guys are attracted to me anyway.


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sicn 15 yrs ago
I think some of the posters here misunderstood your real question. What you want is not a wall but a GATE that you hold the KEY. Like your name suggest, it is a perfect world you are after.

I find many young business women in China do tend to sort short cut and conveniences from working in a men’s world. The problem to you is not only whether you will disturb his family but also risk of losing RESPECT. In short term, everything seems easier since all these men want to please you. But in a long term, when the men don’t get what they want, things could get nasty. Men are not stupid. They do know you are casting baits by the way you dress and behave. Further, if you have any other female partners or subordinates, it will cost jealousy and resentment towards you. It is a complicated world out there, the less unnecessary complication, the more time you can devote to your business. Using sex appeal in business will not benefit you in a long term. It shows your lack of confidence in your own business ability that you have to need this kind of alternative helps.

Look further, if you study other successful business ladies in the world, they all have a kind of neutral appearance and manner. That doesn’t mean they are not feminine or attractive privately, it is just the message they send out to the world that they are strong and successful for their work and ability not anything less than that. In another word, your choice of not using your sex appeal can bring the kind of strength in you that men and women around you truly respect you for.

For ladies just like to show off how they can be smart and also attractive, I think it is just shallow and immature.


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sicn 15 yrs ago
I think some of the posters here misunderstood your real question. What you want is not a wall but a GATE that you hold the KEY. Like your name suggest, it is a perfect world you are after.

I find many young business women in China do tend to sort short cut and conveniences from working in a men’s world. The problem to you is not only whether you will disturb his family but also risk of losing RESPECT. In short term, everything seems easier since all these men want to please you. But in a long term, when the men don’t get what they want, things could get nasty. Men are not stupid. They do know you are casting baits by the way you dress and behave. Further, if you have any other female partners or subordinates, it will cost jealousy and resentment towards you. It is a complicated world out there, the less unnecessary complication, the more time you can devote to your business. Using sex appeal in business will not benefit you in a long term. It shows your lack of confidence in your own business ability that you have to need this kind of alternative helps.

Look further, if you study other successful business ladies in the world, they all have a kind of neutral appearance and manner. That doesn’t mean they are not feminine or attractive privately, it is just the message they send out to the world that they are strong and successful for their work and ability not anything less than that. In another word, your choice of not using your sex appeal can bring the kind of strength in you that men and women around you truly respect you for.

For ladies just like to show off how they can be smart and also attractive, I think it is just shallow and immature.


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CaptDave 15 yrs ago
I think SICN is onto something. A lot of immature business women want to use their charm to develop business relationships and they leave men with a hope of something more (yes the men are foolish and misguided ) . Such ladies have created a problem for themselves because they have suggested a promise they don't intend to keep.


Be honest with yourself, you have been leading this man along - you either entertain his advances now, or tell him straight up your terms, and never see him again without a male colleague.

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PerfectWorld07 15 yrs ago
Sicn, I guess you are the wrong one,

I dress up always properly, and very decent. I don’t promise anything at all.

I am totally neutral appearance and I have my manners.

So, don’t tell me that I will lose respect… I never saw peoples around me disrespected me though.

With him or without him, our business goes on… alright.

What I really want is a WALL but not the GATES … you might thinks that the gates that I hold the key and open it whenever I want, is that what you mean? Totally wrong, I DO NOT need the gates with the key.


Captdave,

I been always honest with my self, in another part I committed to other guy whom I really love and respected him, also I explain to my business partners too. Even though I have no commitment to other guy, I also don’t think that I want mess up between business and personal. It’s happened to me one time that I have to cut off the business relationship in few years ago.

I am straight forward woman as well. I just don’t want he misunderstood of my kindness by helping him whilst he is in a bad situation.


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searching3773 15 yrs ago
Well, it sounds like you opened the door when you say this:


"However the dinners that we had there are no other peoples from our project, just happen after work because he said he needs my opinion for his family problem solutions. I don’t really mind of helping him to solve his problem, but closed the doors on anything further as you said …"


Family problems have nothing to do with business or work. They are things that are kept out of professional relationships so you have aided him in his confusion about where you stand. And broaching such topics with a married man on a dinner with just the two of you. Where is your head? It's not your job to solve his personal problems.


Your statement about not telling what the problems were suggest to me that you assume I was interested in this gossip... which also suggests to me that the lure of gossip is partly what drew you in to the conversation. Not mature or professional on your part.


So your real question is "Now that I opened this gate and ended up mixing up a personal and professional relationship, how do I admit my mistake and fix this mess and close the gate?"


Because of some of your responses, I'm not sure you have the necessary maturity or awareness of personal and professional boundaries but I would suggest some clear and direct but not accusatory language from you along the lines of "Look, I'm really sorry if I gave you the wrong impression but for the best interests of our working relationship, I'm going to have to call an end to any further conversation about your family problems etc. etc. etc."





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tigerbay 15 yrs ago
Searching3773 is thinking similar to me.


The problem is him wanting to discuss his personal life.

It is almost that old cliche "my wife doesn't understant me".


Men who complain about life at home are sometimes looking for solace in the arms of another woman.


If you don't NEED to meet for dinner for business purposes, then don't. Tell him you have another meeting, dinner with friend etc.


Get back to business only.


In the current economic climate you cannot just dump business partners, now that would be unproffesional/immature.


Attractive women will get some unwanted attention, with men 'hitting on them'. It is not the OP who is behaving unproffessionally it is the other party.


The trick is to learn to see these things coming and having a strategy to deal with them. That is a part of growing up in business.


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PerfectWorld07 15 yrs ago
Searching3773 & Tigerbay, it was very nice both you and thanks for your kind suggestion and opinion in this forum. I wish everything’s get back to normal business relationship hereafter.

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elsdon 15 yrs ago
I wonder if you're this evasive in real life with him, it's no wonder he's having issues.. You cowardly duck out of confrontations and give nobody a chance to get any closure. Given, in this case, the topic is you, but at the same time, I don't think tigerbay or Searching3773 are being destructive about it..


Regardless, it seems as though you've stopped listening and have already decided what you think is right for yourself. In my opinion, if you're a pretty girl, by all means, use your god given talents while you are young and cute enough to do so. If that can find you success in business, then all the power to you. It would be like me not using my god given brain to do well in business, it doesn't make sense.


He knows what he wants from you, and you know what you want from him. He wants to f*ck you, and you want to make it seem like you're available but always maintain control. It's a dangerous game to play, and if you're good, it can take you far in this world. If you're not, then as a last resort you can always just sleep with him when you make mistakes, haha. What you need is another method to string him along, something like.. oh I like you but the timing is wrong.. or.. I like you but I have a boyfriend and you have a wife.. etc. Maybe the oh so popular, "I like you -- as a friend" play.. That's always good. Just something to buy time or until he moves on.


At the end of the day, is his business really worth all this trouble? Be smart and be safe.

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PerfectWorld07 15 yrs ago
Elsdon, thanks for your opinion but NO.


I do not need to know what he wants, and I don’t need anything’s from him, what I care is we have good business relations without anything’s further. Just by mistake I helped him with the solutions of his personal problem which I should not do, and that’s given him the wrong impressions.


However I am happy what I have now; nice guy, gentlemen, got a charisma, very respectful person, good looking and he cares of me very well. Why should I need to play a fire?

I don’t need this kind of destructive world, I want my children to bless to have me, and I want be a fantastic mother for them.


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sicn 15 yrs ago
I have misunderstood your situation, my apologize to you. I have made a classic mistake that I ASSUMED you were using your sexual power, just like your partner assumes you are interested in him. We just can’t help being surrounded by bunch of assuming people, right?

I guess the question is how to say no at this point. For some guys, once they put you as a target of adventure, it is hard for them to stop unless serious consequences are presented in a clear and not confusing way. I guess by now you already get some very good input from other posters here. One more thing I want to point out is that you mentioned your attractiveness many times. Just be careful those attractions can be easily brewed into aggression when they are ignored or encouraged. My personal opinion: If you can't afford the bottom line, don't buy into it. Less hustle more muscle. Power to you woman!


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PerfectWorld07 15 yrs ago
Hi Sicn, don’t worry about it. And also thanks for your personal opinion that you had a good point too in this forum. I knew what he was up to.

I just remember of the proverbs said lizard want to eat a crocodile.


Partnerships can turn out to be a blessing or a curse. For every thriving partnership featured in Entrepreneur, there are thousands that end up stagnant, dissolving, dysfunctional or worse--in court. More often than not, performing basic due diligence can keep ending up in bad partnerships.


Elsdon has a very good point at this sessions,” At the end of the day, is his business really worth all this trouble? Be smart and be safe.


Thanks again for all of those who has a kindness opinion and suggestion.


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