why do you get married? because of love? because of age pressure? because of the social and family pressure? because of wanting to have a home? I have always think we shall get married because of love, however, I haven't found a Mr.Right even at 40.
I have been quite frustrated for months.I am single,never married, a left over lady in Chinese dictionary.You can see the pressure I am facing from society and family side. Due to my narrow social circle, or due to other reasons, I don't have chances to meet available men in real life, so I go to internet to look for.After some bad experiences, as I said in my other thread, I came across a guy who is 10 years older than me. He came to meet me from America, and we stayed for one week together, and he returned with satisfaction, and we talked about engagement and marriage since then.It seems we will get married, however, I am very confused and lost because I don't feel attracted to him. He is not the type of man I like, he is a little bit feminine, and as an accountant he is very calculating, and I don't like his smell, which is something like bathing soap, or whatever.I feel I can live with him, if I don't think about liking or disliking.I doubt if I am picky so that I am still single until today.If I refuse him I feel I won't have a chance to get married, since it is very difficult to meet an available man in my life.I have another internet guy in talking who I feel more attracted, but it is only in talking , not meeting yet. I can't go on my waiting for something which is empty.
I guess if I want to get married to the first guy, I need to show stronger enthusiasm, but I feel it is kind of cheating, because I don't feel passion to him.Shall I refuse this guy and go on my talking on internet and waiting for something to happen?
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there is nothing like Mr. Right
you have to learn to be Miss. Right and it will be much easier
lower your expectations and for your own sake get rid of this white man dream... you are 40 now.
there are 1.3b ppl in china, just figure out how many men are there.. isn't there 1 good man in china that you had to go hunting on internet for an american man ?
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and some marriages are based on the color of your skin, color of your passport and your bank balance..
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If you have waited until 30+ and you were supposedly holding out for Mr. Right, let me save you the trouble and tell you that you may have waited too long.
Best keep your eyes open to the possibilities you do have and notice the good ones when they do present themselves...sometimes you overlook good guys because you think you can do better. This is the problem with women who have more of a chance of dating out of their league. Rare to find a man who gets to date out of his league.
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yes
for some women getting a white man and an exotic passport and a bank balance with many zeroes is positive attitude...
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you need to marry someone you respect. It's obvious you don't respect this guy. It's not going to work.
You've got to stop trying to marry every man you meet. They key is to treat this as a numbers game, because perhaps 1 in 100 men will fit you, so your challenge is to meet 100 men, and along the way you'll meet someone suitable.
So treat this as an exercise is meeting 100 men that you will treat as regular friends... and one of these will be the one.
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not a good idea
the smart banker will earn his zeroes from you for managing your zeroes and will say sorry if your zeroes become a big zero.
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66.6 without any Zero is almost zero...
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sure
find a white man with an exocitc passport and bank balance.. just like the OP... easy..
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ask the OP for an idea on that...
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many... but not really interested in sharing them ;-)
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@others, thank you all for the advice.
@Scopio01, I don't have any white man dream.If I have, I won't put this thread to ask for all your advice.What I am looking for is family based on love, however, I didn't have that, which is why I am unhappy about this situation.There are 1.3b people, how many do you know? If I can, I wouldn't choose internet as a way;Chinese or foreigners, I only want to feel good with someone.
Actually I am thinking whether I have some problems so that I am wait until today.
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ok maybe its a coincidence that in this big wide world you only got an american on internet....
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there is still a very strong social pressure for women to marry and have children. dont let it influence you. marrying is a serious stuff and binds you to another person for a long time and you will have to take him as a whole, including all the bad elements. so at your age (40), is that really necessary? first of all, think why you need a man to fullfill your life. if you absolutely must have one, why marry? you could enjoy the company of a man without being married and nowadays with divorce so casual, what is the purpose of marrying? first and most of all, giveyou as a woman some kind of assurance that you will not be alone when you grow older but that is only true if you are still married when you are older. The other consideration is whether you can feel ok to live alone all by yourself. some people could, some couldn't. think of a marriage as something that could bring you more to your life, and so if that person couldn't bring, then don't think about marrying. There is nothing wrong for a woman to be still single.
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ok but what constitute that "need"?
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no need to marry
just stay single, enjoy random men, you might actually make it a business and make some buck out of it... but if you offer it for free you will have a line of men or all sorts outside your house, choose as many of your like..
no need for kids also, dogs are good enough.. just remember to keep a newspaper and water bottle with you instead of a diaper and milk bottle...
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"have been for single" = ???
are you chinese with an english name.. LOL...
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good, i like it... but difficult to believe...
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not english name, it's french.
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until their husband go to a massage parlor!
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every husband doesn't go to massage parlor,
every parent is not burdened by a child
and i read it somewhere that
The perfect wife a chef in the kitchen,
a maid in the living room,
and a slut in the bedroom.
so if he is running away from you and going to the arms of a prostitute, there is something seriously wrong in either the woman or her attitude..
and if neither then she can find another man.
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thats what i would recommend as well...
good choice..
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angelique, how would you know that, you said you were single since you were born?
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Actually, studies show that single women are happiest, followed by married men, followed by married women. The least happy people are single men.
Being married is not a prerequisite for happiness, although as a man I affirm that I am now happier, married, than I was when I was single.
Concentrate on developing good friendships with a range of people, sooner or later you will probably meet someone with whom you are compatible. Maybe through friends, maybe in other ways.
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Mr. Okay La should be better/easier/more flexible than Mr. Right.
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haha...
you are right mystic1
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That's the problem of playing hard to get when you were younger
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running
right on the spot !
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Living in this society, marriage is really a need.As an ordinary Chinese woman, I don't know life will become difficult until I am 40; I lost most of my contacts because we don't share same topics any more. Now I only have three close friends, who are all divorced.LOL.In my environment, people still think a single Chinese woman is strange or has some problems, they can't think OF any other reasons for me to be single until this age, because I am an ordinary office clerk, not a business woman, don't have a big ambitious career.People ask about husband, kids, family buying houses, family buying cars,etc.As I single woman, in my small niche, everytime when people know I am single, the atmosphere become a little bit awkard and strange;Even sometimes there are some new acquaintance, I can't tell them I am single, without a husband.In my hometown, relatives think I am strange because they saw me from a nice young girl to be a today's left over lady, and there is no distinctive reasons.Even at work when something bad happen, I can't complaint because they will think it is because I am a single old lady so that I am in such a bad temper, though generally I am more sunny and more easy going than many married but unhappy wives.Being single has been an obstacle to my life.I don't have social circles now; I want to be ncluded in the main stream because I am a not a strange spinster.For all my life I just want to be with someone I like.Unfortuantely I chose the wrong man when I was younger.Being married will bring me: I am back to the normal society; I can show my marriage rings to the snobbish young shanghai colleagues;I can make my Mom happy; When I go back to my homewtown I can talk and chat my husband and I am included in the whole social family.The only thing is I actually don't love this man, but how many marriages are built on love?
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1) you are keeping wrong company.
2) you seems to be more worried about society and less about if you yourself want to be married for your happiness.
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Dear 2006loveinshanghai,
Why shouldn't you wait for Mr. Right? Isn't Mr. Right the one for you! My Mr. Right and your Mr. Right might be two different men, but they are still the men that we would most wish to spend our days and our nights with. An equal, a lover, a friend, a comforter, a life partner! No matter the age or social conditions of either sex I think that we all wish to humbly reside with our Mr. or Ms. Right. Right? Until that choice encounter takes place...just breathe and live your life as best as you see fit. That's all one can do.
Sincerely,
PinkMartini
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To the OP,
Yes, continue to find the person you want to commit to. Not sure if it's Mr. Right but settle for a person who you won't have so many complaints about. Obviously, you don't want to be with this person you recently met. Don't get married for the sake of being married. I just attended a wedding where the couple is in their 40s.
Just stay optimistic!
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i also suggest
dream on...
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big car
http://www.tuningnews.net/news/080703a/project-kahn-bentley-gts-black-edition.jpg
keep on dreaming..
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keep on dreaming..
all are yours..
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and why would i do that ?
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???
you really need some rest...
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I suggest you two contact directly, instead of kou shui zhan here.I put this thread, in the hope of receiving some advice.Please!!!
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Why bother?
Afterall, a man marries thinking the woman never changes, while a woman marries thinking the man will change. Both end up disappointed, so why bother looking for Mr. Right?
In fact, the reason you have not found him is because whoever told you about this Mr Right forgot to tell you their surnames, Mr Right Now, Mr Right Here, Mr Right There, Mr Right InFrontofYou.................
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if u after green card and having kids soon, then marry him, if you decide to be spritual enough to go for love only, then wait. while waiting, be sure you are still attactive, desireble. develop hobbies, be a happy and healthy person.
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To be honest, as a person who has never been to the USA, I don't know why so many people want that greencard.If I could meet someone in China that I feel the love, that is more meaningful than a card somewhere.Kids? I am 40, not sure if I can afford to have a kid? that American guy is not a rich man.He needs me to work to make money, so that we build a home together.Actually during his visit to China, I paid for most of our trip together.And recenetly I got my travelling visa to the USA, and I have to make every plan by myself.He seems a guy who can't help anything.I guess many people get married because of a strong reason, either love or others. My problem is I can't find strong reasons for me to marrying him. I prefer I like that greencard, so that I don't need to think anymore.Maybe this is my thought of going there to have a look, maybe I will like that place, then when I come back to China, I can make decision to get married to that guy.
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Recent post of Newsweek 26/10/12
Mistressville.
Shanghai
Ambitious and energetic, Shanghai more than merits the nickname Shang Kong. But the mainland city is co-opting more than just the colonial hub’s commercial savvy. Businessmen here are aping their Cantonese counterparts by keeping a bevy of on-demand girlfriends and paying their bills in exchange for their love and loyalty. Welcome to Shanghai’s newest neighborhood: Mistressville.
These girlfriends—known as ernai, or “little second wives”—were an imperial-era tradition outlawed by the communists; in British-held Hong Kong, the practice persisted. Today, though still technically illegal, “the expression is as common as hello, and everybody in China knows what ernai means,” explains Foreign Babes in Beijing author Rachel DeWoskin. In her research for her screenplay about this phenomenon, American Concubine, she unearthed countless contracts between mistress and master. “One of the main rules I always found was this: the ernai was not to get fat, and the master was to provide name-brand clothing and accessories, no fakes.” There was one other telling detail. “When you turn 30, you’re likely to get dumped.”
In less cosmopolitan cities, such women are installed in ernai cun, or mistress villages—concrete jungles dotted with karaoke clubs and beauty parlors conveniently close to the airport for commuting entrepreneurs. But in Shanghai they have commandeered a chunk of the former French Concession, the toniest part of downtown. “They travel in groups, often with matching accessories, Gucci purses with lap dogs in them,” DeWoskin says. Confides another longtime expat, “They’ve all gotten their eyes ‘opened’—surgery is an absolute requirement, their boobs are done, and they have an impeccable manicure-pedicure.”
Shanghai’s chic ernai prefer edgy Alexander Wang to mumsy Chanel; each will also demand a sports car as the ultimate accessory. No wonder 20 percent of Ferrari owners in China are women, compared with just 5 percent worldwide. Twenty years ago 85 percent of Ferraris sold were sprayed the signature rosso corsa—the ernai have helped drive that number down to just 45 percent, opting instead for white or pink. Huaxia Bank even targeted the lifestyle with its Pretty Girl credit card. And one ernai became an unlikely feminist heroine when she took her lovers’ spat public by listing gifts from her married boyfriend—cars, handbags, even an apartment—on an online auction site.
The freshest crop of on-call girls have seen the colonial-era buildings of the French Concession converted to cater to their needs. These ladies who lunch shop in boutiques like Jade en Plus and nibble on treats at restaurants in the 195 Anfu Lu complex. Doubtless they discuss an old Chinese proverb, now more relevant than ever. Men only go bad once they get rich, it warns, but women only get rich once they go bad—or move to Mistressville.
Ladies!!! once you've reached 40 or 55, forget about finding Mr Right. Leave that game for your younger sisters because by the time a woman has reached 30 she's supposed to be 'dumped' for good to give space for their younger sisters ... ha ha ha ... women why can't they be a little realistic. We men are simple people who need to have some fun and be happy!!!
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Songyu, fortunately in the next generation, males will overpopulate females so there will be plenty of males left to marry for these so called "er nais". And you better be prepared for a bigger wallet to offer "er nais" because ferraris won't be enough! Or perhaps seeing that men will be in abundance, these er nais could take money from a rich man then look for an "er lao gung" until her er lao gung turns 30, then she'll go for a younger one.
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marry only if you love him/her and you will know when you love someone.
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