Posted by
mabell
15 yrs ago
The first few months of our relationship, my boyfriend would always pay for dinner and movies. I have always offered to chip in but he usually wouldn't accept my money. Now, after half a year, most of the time he would forget his wallet, or bring no money to dinner. I am not a gold-digger or looking for a free meal ticket. He knows that I lost my job recently so I can't always afford to pay for both of us. Most of the time when we meet our friends for dinner, he would say he forgot to bring cash AGAIN and he would ask me to pay for him first. I have asked him if he has any financial problems. He said "no" just sometimes he forgets to go to ATM. Do you think I am being too stingy or uptight about the situation? After all, when we first started, he would pay for everything. Is it time for me to pay for him now?
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Looks like you are his free meal ticket.
Most men actually don't mind paying, they just don't like women taking them for granted. Like if you pay sometimes and show appreciation instead of have your arms folded and let him take care of the bill usually men are more than happy to pay coz most men are inclined to pay due to their male ego (if they have one).
Sounds like this guy has no dignity. It is obvious that he has purposely done that, I suppose he never paid you back after asking you to pay for him first.
I would say dump him.
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how solid is your relationship and how long?
if you have a good relationship, then remind him before going out to bring some money. if he then still always forgets it, i would agree with fatkid's advice to dump him.
however i would give him the benefit of doubt and remind him gently to bring money along
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tpol
15 yrs ago
you've lost your income. Suggest to him to have a meal at home and watch DVDs.
If he turns you down, he just needs you for a meal ticket.
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Interesting topic!!!
I don't know your expectation from this relationship, if u have marriage on your mind then you definitely need to address the issue with him, i am afraid men like this is not going to be a good husband material, no sense of repsonsibility and assuming he does not intentionally forget to bring wallet, money, credit cards. In that case he is too relax thinking you are there and would always take care of everything... I can't imagine going out on a date/dinner without money.... (sigh!!!)
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I do not know what is the whole story, but if i was him, i would feel myself like a real jerk to do that to my girlfriend. This is not a nice attitude. I'm a westerner and i never let any GF paying for me, but also almost never refused when a GF wanted to treat me as it is a two-way relationship.
I do not want to say anything bad about him. But i do think he lost a bit interest in you and he is now using you. Why? i do not know, maybe he want to prove to himself that you care about him enough, for him to know what step next he should take in your relationship ( if it is that, he is a jerk to play with your feelings ), or maybe he want you to think that he is a jerk so you finish the relationship and not him, or evn some more reasons....
What i would recommend, it is that you ask him why he has such attitude. You cannot build and strenghen a relationship if there is no two-way communication. Don't let it go until you get the answer that satisfy you, the one that will let you know where you are in your relationship.
You must have feelings for him but don't let a guy make you suffer, no woman deserve this.
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"Most of the time when we meet our friends for dinner, he would say he forgot to bring cash AGAIN and he would ask me to pay for him first."
Cld it be that he is the one always paying when u guys go out with ur friends until he is so afraid of paying? I've seen gfs making used of their bfs that way.
U got no income and yet still hanging out with ur friends? Cld it be tat he thinks u are using him cos u are no longer working and yet still wanna hang out with ur friends n expect him to pay?
No heart feelings...just my 1 cent. If its non of the above, then dump him or keep reminding him whenever u guys go out, or take his wallet n put it in ur handbag...tat way if he says i forgot, u can say, here it is, now pay! haha..
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equality means BOTH shares the dosh..... if U have moe money, regardless of income status...U should pay...the same is true if he is richer, even without an income!
Men cannot be judge as " loser" .... just because a woman earns twice his income, and yet expects him to shoulder all mutual expenses....
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Good point, Slowbiker. Doesn't seem to be much discussion here as to whether men should always pay, come what may. What do others think? Take an example: if there is equality in income, should the guy always pay, or should couples split the bill? If the gut earns a load, but the girl doesn't, should he always pay? If the girl earns a load but they guy is penniless, should she pay?
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the point here is not who pays but rather the sneaky way the bf makes the gf pay.
if the bf thinks that it's about time the gf pays - then they should lay the issue on the table and discuss it and not the bf feign some flimsy excuse of not going to the atm or forgetting his wallet.
if he is not honest about the reasons and keeps giving you lame excuses - dump him
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It has to be sensible to view the bigger picture before micro-analysing a little hiccough like not paying for dinner or not bringing out any cash – how do you both live – is it together if so who pays rent or mortgage, bills, holidays, travel in Hong Kong, daily living expenses etc etc ………… because if you don’t live together then maybe you have a point but if you do live together consider the bigger picture like who contributes what …… is one of you taking advantage of the other knowingly. Only you two can sort that out as only you two have all the facts only you two know how you feel and what you both want from the relationship.
Reading here that you should dump him is not very practical – if you want a long term relationship with the guy then work it out and that means talking to him again and see how he responds. If you ask Hong Kong to answer you will get confused – ask yourself “do I want to be with this guy long term?” if yes deal with it positively, swiftly and gently if the answer is no then many contributors are right “dump him” but you should also be prepared to let him know why.
Honesty, openness and trust in a relationship are priceless and he cannot say he left honesty at home or the ATM for trust is too far away – good luck
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Simple !!! Take him to see a doctor or ask him to leave his credit card/atm card with you.
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xylex
15 yrs ago
This sounds like a guy who is fed up of being used every time. If you are jobless and the guy is taking care of you, you should be appreciative and grateful about it rather than taking it as your right even when you think it's your right.
The question also is - who initiates these dinners with friends every time? Is it you or him? It is not good to initiate such things so often if your income level has dropped significantly.
Also, have you discussed cooking at home with him instead of going out every time to spend money on restaurants? Since you lost your job have you suggested any cost saving methods so that he will know that you really care and not just a load or liability to him?
Please think carefully before you judge the situation. Might be that this guy really loves you but he's bothered by somethings.
My two cents!!!
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sounds a loser to me..i would certainly not stick around..
and do not get me wrong, i am very independent myself, have my own everything, house, income, etc..and i buy my dates presents from time to time; if we travel together we split the bill; if i fly to visit him i pay half the airfare costs etc.. but come on guys! it's just meals!!!!
if a guy has romantic intentions with you normally they would be more than happy to pay for the meals when out with you.. that makes THEM feel good, as a man.. and of course girls being appreciative is considered a good manner in those scenerios too.
dump him.
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I think he make you fool he want to broke yours relationship by you. SIMPLE why don't you play same game with him ? then truth is come out BEST OF LUCK
NIB
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First thing is asked him if he brought his wallet or cash with him before you go out with him!!! and you don't end up paying up your dinner bills..
Remind him his excuses will not worked for you.... Don't be an idiot if he is trying to smart you out...
take care and good luck
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"He knows that I lost my job recently so I can't always afford to pay for both of us."
Why don't you sit down and talk about this with him? Money should never be the issue of separation. Does the affection and love go when the money does?
I don't really know why he is doing this but it is possible he simply has an issue of going out with your friends when he knows you cannot afford it seeing as you lost your job, and this is his way of making you see it. Like you said, he had no problem paying for everything at the beginning of your relationship. Just talk to him and ask him straight out why it always happens that he has no money or no wallet when you go out. It's also possible that he is short on cash and doesn't want to worry you so he just says no when you ask. This is probably just a dry spell for him and will change soon. You won't get the reason for this on this forum, you will only get it from him.
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Quill
15 yrs ago
Can you forget to bring your wallet a few times when going out with him?
Or, try to leave a group gathering early and pay your portion on the table before you leave.
He can't pay for his for himself. You pay for yours on your own.
When you are ready to do that, you should be ready for a better one.
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I thought guys ALWAYS pays for dinner, regardless. Thats what my gf told me.
Unless ofcourse gf wants to pay.
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i love how it seems like the general rule for girls, when dating, is that the guy pays for everything. it seems to be embedded into the society and i find it disgusting.
I, for one, would never want my bf to pay for everything of mine, regardless if im working or not.
These are the same girls that say that they want to be treated as equals. ummm hello? how equal are you being?
I'm not saying that the OP should be paying for everything, nor do i think his forgetfulness is right, but it's ridiculous when people say that the guy should be paying for every dinner/drink.
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sicn
15 yrs ago
If a man really likes a girl, he won't feel comfortable with her paying for her own every time. It sends out a messege that she doesn't need him therefore she can just easily split up with him like the dinner bill.
For the guys all for the women paying her own bill, I think the bottom line is they just want free sex.
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sicn
15 yrs ago
P.mason, no, that is not what I meant. I didnot say sex shall have a price tag on it. For men will let their dates pay for everything they spent regardless girls' purchase power, in general, is far less than guys. That says something about their true intention at the end of the dates. It is not about equality or female independance, it is about who have taken advantage of whom. In this case, guys vs. girls.
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maybe you two shouldn't be going out for expensive dinners since it seems neither of you can afford it.
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Well, all I can say is that, He just wants to end their relationship. You don't really forget such an important thing esp the wallet all the time, that's just dumb...He just want's the girl to hate him so she has a reason to end the relationship and he just don't want to do it.....It's better for her and good for him...
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Like some of the posters here, would we really be up in arms if it was the girl being treated by the guy all the time? No. That is their god-given right, is it not? Kudos to the poster who said she doesn't like to let her boyfriend pay all the time. Guys have been treating women since we were wearing bearskins and living in caves. Why isn't it fair the other way, if the guy really can't get a job or she earns significantly more money that he does?
What isn't kosher is the way this guy goes about it. If he was upfront and honest about his poverty, I'd say just stop going out so much with either of your friends' groups and just bring a cut lunch to the park. But since he's being sneaky about it, a confrontation is in order. He fesses up, changes his ways or show him the door.
But please don't close your wallet on us financially challenged guys. That really is having double standards and is totally unfair.
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Neffy
15 yrs ago
I wouldn't go as far to say you should break up with him over this, but I say he's doing that on purpose. He seems to only be forgetting it when its convenient for him. Doubt he forgets for work so theres no excuse. I agree with P.mason, I'm all about going deuce after a few dates and when you're more comfortable with one another. Me and my bf take turns, if I payed for the last date, he will pay for the next one. I would just remind your bf and then he wont have an excuse. Sucks to have to play mom for something he should already know how to do, but he's playing games. Good Luck!
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