I need your thoughts to help me to see clearly the real truth of him!!

I met a guy one year ago. Since the day one, he told me he is a difficult person to build relationship with and he doesn’t want any close relationship while he travels around for his job and, he is still in the shadow of his previous bad experience of long-distant relationship.

I was confident enough to give it a try. So I accepted his invitations and visited him at several places around the world, to spend time with him while he was working there or visiting his families. We enjoyed our time together and I met almost all of his families and good friends and bosses and colleagues, etc. No matter we are in the same city or being far away to each other, he called me to chat a few times a day.


Meanwhile, in the past one year, he kept telling me “we don’t know about our future and let us treasure those moments at present”. “You are a very special girl and become very important in my life” “Don’t think too much, just follow your heart.” “I don’t think I am the right guy for you, you are so good that deserves for a stable guy to be close with you.” Etc.

He told me he doesn’t want any “constraints”, meaning no commitments, no marriage, no children, and even maybe allowing him to see other girls just for sex.


Now finally his new job allows him to settle down in the same place I am living. But those issues are still there while we become more connected emotionally.


I proposed the breaking-up idea, but he showed great warmth and strong intention to “want to keep you in my life in any possible forms because you are very important to me..”


I thought he will be a good life partner material. Maybe I am wrong? Maybe I have been treating like a therapist or a relaxing source for his crazy working life?


Should I move on? Or should I give it another chance?

If I was in your situation I would let him know my expectations of the relationship are, ie. not seeing other girls for sex and to consider my feelings when making decisions etc.


I am sure you would do the same for him, so it isn't unreasonable for him to have the same mutual commitment. Perhaps sometimes you need to let him know there's a bottom line and you will not be around waiting for him forever. You should make plans for yourself and let him know it so that he doesn't get the feeling that your life revolves around him. As wing-on puts it, don't let him treat you like a 'freebie'.

Hello dear... what ur going through is something similar to what I've experienced a few years back.You can receive a lot of good advices here,or maybe you may not,whichever way it goes,I would suggest you buy the book "HE'S NOT JUST INTO YOU".The same book is being made a movie now-if Im not mistaken- but be sure to read the book first,it's going to shake and wake u up,in a good sense of course!

Please buy one as soon as u can,I read it a couple of times before i finally accepted the facts.It's a bit unsettling at first,but its dead-on!Like a bullseye!

Now I'm happily married with a beautiful baby boy... had I not followed some of its advices,I would probably have wasted more time than necessary on THAT LOSER!

But be patient,persevere and of course pray for it :)

From your story, I really don't see your guy had done anything wrong. He told you very clearly from the beginning and all along what he can offer you. It is you agreed to go into this kind of relationship with "confidence" that you could somehow change his mind.

My advice to you is you need to know what YOU want and let him know in order to keep you, that is what he has to offer you. I would not waste my energy on who is taking advantage of who. In my view, the person who change the rule of the game is you, not he.

He wants it all, why do you want to settle for less? He has made it very clear, and it works for him and only him...You deserve someone who will be there physically and emotionally for you. I would leave and get on with my life...good luck

Make a stand for what kind of relationship you want in a partner. Why sould you settle for less? There are people we might fall for but they are not the types that would last the distance and time so it boilsdown to what you want. A relationship on his terms or on your own terms. If a guy really loves you and wants you he would make the right moves. This guy is not making them is he?


Do you want to settle for a relationship like the one he is offering?


It really is your life and your choice and only you can choose for yourself.


Love yourself enough to find someone who loves you back and wants to be with you.


Good luck.

Move on. Run. Recommend u to read "act like a lady and think like a man" by steve.

Hey, think about the life YOU really want. If an ordinary life following to the route rule, dating, marriage, baby... Just leave that guy. He is NOT in your expectation until now. don't waste your time on him.

Life is more than relationship. he is not serious abt u. i was wz a guy for more than 20 years, knew his family, knew his colleagues...knew of his other women. 10 yrs in relationship, he married w/o my knowledge. did not believe he was married. married still can stay wz me some days of the week?? i do not regret. i hv good times n bad times wz him. but spending 20 yrs around this guy without expectation / set standard is pure stupidity. so move on wz yr life.

THANK YOU ALL! Your thoughts are helpful to me, especially the 3 quickest responses I got in time!


A bit updates: I broke up with him last night. This morning, I was feeling a bit being used and stupid, but I also feel released and happy and looking forward to a new strat of life; my life was too him-centred before.


Now tonight after whole day of thinking and feeling, I realize, maybe I don't necessarily need to blame on him, and I shouldn't feel being used like a victim. He used me and I used him in a fair and nice way: I felt his warmth and supports while I suffered big family lost. I supported him and warmed him while he was under great stress. I got the chances to experience nice places with him living like a local. He felt me is the one who understands him the best and even more trustworthy than his best friend for 20 years....all these still count, even though we found out we are maybe not the best for each other as lover/life partner.


I still want to feel gradeful to what I have been experienced, and I do.


Last night he cried and asked me not to disppear from his life; He really wants to be my big brother/soul mate/whatever name, to keep hugging me when we need each other's warmth.


I was touched but I cannot say yes...I don't know how to do this. I am afraid it will come to any kinds of unhealthy relationship.


....anybody has some sharings on: Can ex be close friend? and how if so?


Thanks a lot in advance.


-----------------------------------------


P/S: Just saw what Joyce Xu wrote, it makes me think of one question: what kind of life I really want? I have been convinced I want the normal life , dating, marriage, baby...... but now I am not sure of what I want? I know I love intimacy, I love baby (to play with them for sure, but to raise them??), I love sense of security and commitment, I love the whole families' team-working, I love couples who keep growing and learning together.....


I told him I want family and baby, which are what he cannot offer....BUT, what if those are not really what I want?!?


Are there any ways/creative methodolody to see this issue clearly, please??

1/ he will respect u n be with you = accept yr standard (of wanting a family wz him).


2/ forget abt him n move forward. there is no way to be a friend with ex. once there is an intimacy, no way to be friend with ex.


no other choice or method to resolve this situation of yours.