Posted by
lucix
18 yrs ago
I am in a LDR with a HK woman(in her 40ties like me),I am now based in Shanghai,I was in europe before. She went to UK this summer meeting some gfriends living there(from thai originally) and they almost convince her to try to stay with a middle age single willing to buy her a house and whatsoever in Thailand ( as her friend did with some other smart guys..)in exchange of a "marriage" or something similar .
She did not , but ..she tried. She told me and It has been terrible even if nothing real happened.
I would be available to buy as well(it would cost me significant effort but I would) but she say she does not want me to. She is now in HK but her friends keep on calling inviting her for newyeareve in thailand..to meet some other guys( i think her gfriends must have something to gain ).
She is not working at the moment but she has no finacial problem(and I am supporting of course). It is a continuous up and down, coming so close to me( I am sure she feel as much as i do) and going away speaking about secure(finacially) the future with ...someone else even she does not like him. why not me? because she thinks I should not spend all(or a big part of) my money for her.
When we are together everything is ok or it seems so , when i leave I feel her starting to change and saying things that i do not really understand.
Do you think I should give up? what should I do? it is a couple of months now, she come back in mid september and we talk for 2 days and nights in a row, getting more close than ever before but then...up and down. I really do not know what to do, but I am too much involved to give up. we are in LDR since 2004 ,i move here to get closer and i did hope her to join me in shanghai(since it is so difficult to get a job in HK) ..but it is not happening. I think i could not overcome another "trial". any thought or experience tip appreciated..thanks
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sorry to say this but sounds like she is trying to manipulate you in buying her a house or whatever she needs for a good life by saying that her friends are doing this and that...i wouldn't call them my friends if they know that i'm having a LDR with someone but still trying to hook me up with other men!..if she really loves you then it would instantly show rather than getting confused by her so called friends..i say, take your time!..if she loves you for you then she'll stick with you no matter what...be strong!...dont give up just yet...time will tell all!...good luck!!
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lucix
18 yrs ago
hy,thank you for your reply. They all sounds right by the way.
ok, some more information: meet her in LKF in 9/2004,had some fun and exchange numbers. call her few times and when back to HK afer 2 months met her and ..bang,happen. Then I found the way to be around frequently (almost invented a position in the company i work for ,and it worked out) and finally get down in Shanghai(at least same time zone I thought). It has been(it is?) a fantastic relationship,relaxed and a lot of ..happiness I would say . Even if she never want to say "my boyfriend"(and sometimes I was ,I am, quite frustrated to be introduced as "my very good friend")it was ok. We both had a family,regularly splitted,no bs**t,and she says she does not feel good yet in having a formalized relationship .but even if not formally it has been(it is?) the same. She did change recently,teaming up with these "friends"(you are right,she also says could not consider real friends but she keep on talking to them!I would have a definition ..but i keep it in the keyboard)and saying things like "I am getting old and I have nothing,look at them,but I do not want you make the same for me,sometimes i do not want to believe you are real and I do not want to get hurt if you go" . Try hard to say I am not going anywhere without her,but apparently she does not believe or she does not want to,only sometimes she does.it seems that these gals having being good in ,for me,"cheating" this guys are now a model!Is it a way to have me off? asked it and she says no,but how to be really in then?no real reply. What's wrong with me? Sure enough I love her more than anyone I did and I do not know myself how I can stand this but,so far, I do. . Yes, myP&L are red and maybe she did know I was it but could she be scared by that?could that explain something and if it does how to change it?yeah,I know ,probably just dreaming.
i am now thinking the following:i did propose her to stay with me for the xmas holiday,anywhere she likes, I do not care.No answer yet, if she decline in order to go to thailand (and maybe have another "try")..well I think I have to give up, but how i do not know, she is so ..big for me sometimes that I really do not know if I could do it
wdyt? thanks a lot anway, writing it makes me feel a bit better as well as reading your answer
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trix
18 yrs ago
I think I can see where this girl is coming from. She's hedging her bets because she feels insecure. You started out in a casual relationship and this has yet to be formalised into a steady one. You live in different cities and drop by once in a while. Even though you give her money, there's no commitment or talk of the future. She doesn't even dare to call you her boyfriend because she doesn't know how long this will last. And she feels she is getting old and time is running out for her to find someone who can be there for her. You've probably told her your feelings but so what? A woman who's been divorced will know love doesn't always last and things could always change.
Where do you want to take this anyway? A real relationship is not about money, occassional visit, or even buying her a house. If you want this to go somewhere, you have to show her you have a future in mind, a future in which you can live together, meet each other's families, make plans and so on and so forth.
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lucix
18 yrs ago
Trix, you got some point, thanks for your reply.
I think she maybe feel insecure as much as I do now . But I did propose her to stay with me ,both in europe where I was ,and in shanghai but I got the reply that she wanted to live in hong kong( and so far i did not find any opportunity there). I thought I was respecting herself not pushing further and giving her time, I always said "whenever you will like i will be there". But maybe you are right, could be that she was saying something else instead. I propose her again(few weeks ago)and I even went further in serious proposal, but I do not think she really consider it so far. Maybe it has come too late.
I know as well love doesn't always last, what could have I done more or what could i do now? I would like to take this in the place it should be, a home with everithing clear , but how should I deal with it now? how can i do it if she's not ready or willing to? I guess I have to find out if it is a temporary unwillingness or a steady one.
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trix
18 yrs ago
Oh, so you've asked her to come live with you and proposed to her and she said no? It seems that she's unwilling to commit to the relationship while she's happy to take your money. It's a give and take relationship in which you're doing all the giving and she's doing all the taking. Why are you still in this??? You've given this 2 years- long enough for her to make up her mind about taking this forward. If she still hasn't, I'm sorry to say this mate, she's never going to. This is not a real relationship and will never be. If you can accept this, then stay. But really, why bother?
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For what reason would someone commit to financially support another who has not committed to them?
If you say, "Because I LOOOOVVVVEEEE him/her", you are making financial decisions based on feelings alone. I assume you wouldn't do that for a stock option - and stocks don't have PMS or testosterone.
If you say, "Because she NEEEEEEDS me", get a dog. Cheaper.
Unless I'm missing something, any other reasons necessitate therapy.
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lucix
18 yrs ago
hey,to all of you :sincerely thank you ! you said all interesting things put even a smile on my face!
Just a couple of things that have been misundestood(for the sake of clarity and for you not to think that I am completely blind ):1.The guy is in UK,and from UK, but is obviously willing to spend his retirement in Thailand and so on and so forth.She met him 4 month ago. 2.She did "try" while in UK but (apparently and no sex she said.still believe that.not that it change anything) did not work but still.. wondering but not making ...I guess 3.the guy and her "friends" keep on calling to remind the proposal 4.is not 2 years like that but 4 months for sure.5 my proposal did first come 1 year ago,real payroll start more or less same time . 6.I think you right: seems the thing does not sustain itself and I am going to HK next week to fix it one way or another,no compromise this time 7. Understood relationship stock quite at the minimum 8.I stop the cash now 9. I am going to use part of it to get drunk tonight.
Again, thanks a lot.
Any other thought welcome, I'll sure let you know
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Lucix, you sound like a soft-hearted guy. I suggest that you stay in HK for a couple of months and surely your heart will be hardened.
Almost every male I've talked to in HK has been stung by someone similar to your woman before. Some sweet nights together. Then tearful calls to borrow money from you as her mum is sick. something like this. Gradually, the guys don't trust any women any more --- not even the good ones. Sad to see this.
Grow up and get over it quickly. Anyone with two eyes (maybe even with one eye :) can tell that the woman is playing your heart. I always have more sympathy for women but in this case as you are being bullied, am on your side!
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lucix
18 yrs ago
The nights has been good but no remedial therapy yet, I ll let you know about the outcome in week.
thanks everybody
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lucix
18 yrs ago
The nights has been good but no remedial therapy yet, I ll let you know about the outcome in week.
thanks everybody
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sounds like she's hanging out for someone w/more money than you
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I agree with BumpyDog, I got that feeling too.
Something I'm curious about is what has her past love life been like. And even more curious about yours. It strikes me than someone your age/assumed experience can manage to feel satisfied enough to receive so little from a woman you seem to love, after giving so much (I mean, if only relocating in Shanghai where it's not clear you knew anyone, just to be closer to HK where she prefers to live, that's huge).
It's almost like you don't feel worthy of more...
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lucix
18 yrs ago
surely i am not satisfied anymore but i was. surely also i gave financial support but I did and do not see it as a "pay". I mean, you give because ..well I am not sure why, just did it.For sure when i start there were no signal of anything wrong but the reluctance in considering living together that i maybe underestimate. Do not paint her so bad, she is not a w**re even if it could appear so.
I did relocate to shanghai,only because did not get an opportunity in HK,without knowing anyone but at least in the same company, and yeah, for sure in order to get closer.I did not think too much about the magnitude of the thing i just wanted to do it and I did.Writing it i realize that it may sound a bit crazy (given my age).Power of love i guess that killed rationality(..and I am a sr.engineer)
I am going to see her on friday, let you know
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You sound like a genuinely good person. So you definitely deserve more than what you're getting.
I'm sure many of us feel for you and wish that you make the best choice for yourself.
And a given situation can be satisfying for some time, and one day no longer be, so the right thing is what you're already doing, reassessing the whole situation, and trying to have it match your needs (meaning with or without her).
I'll be glad to hear how things went.
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Oh, and no, you don't sound crazy. Age has got nothing to do with it anyway.
And you followed your instinct and your feelings, which, seeing what you did, took a lot of gut to do.
And it's nice that you believe in love and didn't turn cynical.
Also you seem open to ask yourself the right questions.
(am I optimistic today!?)
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It is just bad luck the person your heart invested probably wasn't worth it.
Many people go through the same senario as you.
learn from it and see it doesn't repeat.
Problem is, if you get too guarded or cynical then you can't have those good feelings/experiences you had, so easily.
So, what do you do?
Difficult.
Perhaps when still rational (towards beginning of relationship) take a step back and see if you are getting what yo need or are likely to in the near future. Then if not, step out before you invest too much emotionally.
Sounds so easy eh?
Why do so many of us still go down that bath then?
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Lucix,
hope everything is going well. Let us know!
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lucix
18 yrs ago
hi all,
owe you the news
not great really,as you know I cut off the cash and i got a "up to you, if ok for you ok for me,no problem",more or less no reaction. about spending more time together is a"maybe ...but I do not want you to make so much effort for me"..a bit too late to say.As well as about xmas to spend togther,same answer as above.yeah, i moved to shanghai really looking forward to that kind of things..
I think i got the message, do not understand why she do not want to say it clearly, it would make my life a bit easier.So I went on and
I did ask clearly:i stop seeing you if you not happy about it and note that I am not happy about how is going("trial",etc etc).
but i got back "why you do not relax?I am happy with you,i am so happy to stay with you when you here" ...I am dazed and confused instead..."why?(accompanied by a big kiss)". left me speechless a while.
anyway left HK giving her a dragonair ticket to SH(last ivestment) saying "wait you there" i had back a "maybe" but she kept it.
I am a bit more confused than when i arrived . back in SH,decided not call her(as i was doing every day).She is calling me every day. I answer every day.I know what you are going to say "you soft hearted and so on and so forth",probably right.No clue if she will take the flight next week,no want to ask about.is becoming a hide and seek stuff ? not what i want. is she playing? i do not have card to play and getting tired ,why she doesn't quit if i am not the one(don't tell me for the $ because is closed)? I know I know , the right question is "why you do not quit being not happy"...unfortunately still know my answer.for the time being still unable to step out but looking at it a bit more rational now.wait and see(?)
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Goloh
18 yrs ago
Sorry, this is not rational any more. You already have all the feedback you need from this woman. You have two choices: end it now and move on, or keep agonizing until she finds her real "catch," when it will end anyway and be even worse for you. The sooner you get over this, the sooner you can actually be happy. You're in your 40's so you don't have forever. Ahem, it is probably better for your ego to dump than to be dumped.
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So what happened to the resolutions of 14 days ago?
Did you go out on that bender blowing some of your own cash on you?
Forget and move on, cancel the air ticket and get refund, don't be somewhere to to go when there aint anything better. Forget ticket as being "investment", not a healthy thought, especially when she appears to be able to go where she wants whenever without too much concern or difficulty.
Be the dumper this time, not the dumpee.
She is keeping you just where she wants you, throwing the odd bone to you to appease you.
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Lucix. Your situation has become so depressing. Why cannot you wake up?
I can only imagine the following: you are 145cm in height, 150kg in weight, no hair, no teeth, and no erection. That's why you have to hang on to this woman to make yourself feel good???
Sorry for being rude. Hopefully make you laugh.
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lucix
18 yrs ago
ok ok ok ,got your message once more
thanks to you all
cash commuting into beers also tonight,i am 175,73 with al teeth..not too much hair left but the rest ..still working .
sorting out my bits and pieces and 'll try to listen to my ego more than my heart
thank you all once more
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