Posted by
pro_4you
19 yrs ago
My wife and are from 2 different background . I work for major US invesment banking. She comes from a under lower class family in hk . i often go to lkf to network and have happy hours with colleague and friend after work before i go home.. well this is a big problem... accoding to my wife.. im having afair or dating girl..
if i ever go home a bit drink she would not talk to me adn give me an attitude.. i love her very much BUT i see pb and issue coming here
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she is da asian
she is not independent and mature enough
should have the basic confidence and own life style
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And you didn't have this problem before you got married?
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she did say anything because we were not married and trust me.. but now that we are married for 2 month only.. she just dun let me go drinking or netowrking with anyone.... im getting really annoyed... and frustrated.
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Ed
19 yrs ago
Moved to relationships forum
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shaq
19 yrs ago
Yeah, as JC advised, let your wife know what you really do when you're out there in LKF, etc. I'm sure that if she get to know the motive behind, she will began to accept it.
True, maturity comes with time. So. do give the poor gal sometime to accept the situation.
Btw, there is no smoke without fire; perhaps there is a historical basis as to why your wife is complaining and accusing you of infidility. For instance, maybe you met her (i.e., your wife) in LKF in some kind of escapade and, for that matter, she's afraid you may revisit this escapade and ..... (you know?).
In the nutshell, please give your wife a reason/basis to trust you ... peace!!! :-).
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How long did you date before you got married? Perhaps not long enough for this part of her personality to surface. In which case, you have to bear the consequences then. Of not dating her long enough to find this out, that is. And bearing the consequences means acknowledging her insecurities and dealing with them in a loving way, not in a selfish way. If she's just your gf, you would be free to break up cos you don't like this aspect of her. But you're married. There are way too many divorces in the world based on the most trivial of reasons, just cos people don't have the tenacity and commitment to work things out. So don't head that way so early in the game. Not that I'm saying you were. But just in case the thought had occurred to you. What does love mean to you? You said you love her. Do you just FEEL love for her? Or does your love for her translate into doing things you don't like for HER good? It may include you NOT doing all that networking for a while until you've built up more confidence for her in your love and trustworthiness. Is your love for your wife MORE than your need to network?
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Ny wife is Chinese. She lived as an expat (in uk) and she knows how needy you can get for your own culture.
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evohe
19 yrs ago
Good advices, but also make sure that you have some time on your own. Apparently in local culture marriage = nutter your man.
Reassure her, but do not let her cut your from your network. You need it psychologically and for work also. So, spend some nights with her so she knows the faces of some names and feels ok when you go out with such and such.
Don't let her strangle you, and in fact she will respect you for not letting her drive you nuts. (Nutter, nuts hahaha. Mmm sorry)
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sub
19 yrs ago
It is early days.
And true many asian girls think marriage means they are boss of man.
You may need to patiently over time explain to her that that won't work for you and she really has no reason not to trust you, nor to try to control when you can love her the way things are (as opposed to control freak = suffocated love)....and above posters' advice is all v good in regards to this. Taking her out with you a few times is a great idea. Explain to her how important the networking bit is for your job and that you hope she doesn't mind you may not be able to talk to her the whole time, but it will benefit your job = financial future = her shopping (or whatever pushes her buttons).
My guy loves to tell me he is going to make lots of money and look after me. I am a workaholic and don't need it, but it is nice to hear it and fantacise...
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Uh, when was this about race and the asian identity? The writer did not say that he was not asian himself. Working for a US firm does not make one non-asian.
It is not about your so-called 'social stature'. I have seen more crassness coming from educated professional compared to village people.
You wife sounds quite sheltered and traditional. You probably knew this about her in the beginning and maybe this was what attracted you in the first place (just speculating).
You need to get her more involved in your life so that she can learn more about what you do.
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rats
19 yrs ago
I just don't understand why pro4you empahsised that his wife is from under lower working class in HK, and he himself a US i-banker. It is not because of the background difference of social status, but the commuication, pro4you, coming from lower working class does not mean your wife is low-educated, conservative and narrow-minded.
Talk to her and truly embrace her for who she is, as Miss P said, try to include her in your social life in LKF as well, so that she can know exactly what is the deal. Moreover, she may also meet the gf/wife from your colleague/business partner so that she may understand better by mingling with these women who are in the same boat-bf/hunsband need to socialise at lkf for networking.
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I don't get it, thread after thread in the AX forum have been commenting how western guys are attracted to Asian girls because they are submissive... and now Miss P is talking about Chinese girls being bossy.... I am confused...I guess Chinese girls could never win..
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Miss P said she is old. So she might not be talking about 'girls' here.
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thanks for your email Hoyo..Good tips
Thanks all for all the good proposition i will work on it..
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well I was not part of that thread discussed-no idea!
Anyway people behave like idiots everywhere regardless of race or cultural background (that includes me). They just use different ways to express their idiocy due to cultural conditioning.
So in a parallel universe you put an idiot into continent A and continent B respectively, he/she will still be an idiot but the method of expressing it might somewhat differ.
Ah.
Yes back to topic.
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pro 4 you aren't you going to share with us the pearls of hoyo's wisdom?
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lulu
19 yrs ago
pro> you sound like a typical hong kong guys which think all women are control freak uneducated and stupid...sure may be some of them are but by you mentioned "under lower class family" is not too good to describ people, especially your wife.
You need to talk to your wife about this and make sure you do not have you i-banker attitude.
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nothing against whatever you commented, Miss P. I am just trying to say different people hold different opinions so as different people behave differently, we simply can't generalize based on races. Pro 4 you should have known his wife well enough to marry her, you do need to make certain compromises on both ends to make a marriage work
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MayC
19 yrs ago
I didn't read all the responses you got, but from a personal point of view, I think it really depends on how often is often.
I wouldn't like it if my husband partied every night without coming home. It's unfair for her also if you try to maintain a single life after marriage without much thought about her (ie. how she's left home to be with you). I don't believe this is an issue about "class" but "values".
And I'm a qualified professional.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you are in the wrong, just expressing a view from the other more traditional side.
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From the second post of pro I assume that they had lived together before the marriage, and she started complaining about his going out after they got married only.
From that point, I think she has the right to claim for more time of his to be spent with her or at home together. As MayC said, he'd better not maintain his single life after marriage.
But it sounds like she does not trust him, that's why she thinks he's having affairs/girlfriend when he's networking. I think that could be the point you should work on, pro.
Regarding his mentioning their different social status, I think maybe pro wanted to highlight that she could not take part in their conversations with colleagues if he took her along to those meetings. But that should not be a big deal because different people have different interests. Remember how different they are (in social class again) but he still loves her so much! So if pro wants and is good enough, he could always initiate some talks about the topics where she could contribute few words time to time, so she would not feel so bored there. Yet better still if he could suggest other guys/colleagues to have their girlfriends/wives sometimes, so women could also network amongst themselves.
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thank you wildorchid i appreciate your point on my issue.
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I just wonder what is your wife doing when u are out with friends. May be she just miss u (just married). I guess it is reasonable to get mad, if she prepared the dinner and sit there for an hour and all the food become cold. But if not then I guess she is immature or lack of self-confidence (afraid will lose u).
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132......
Not a case of mattering to men... but can effect a relationship, so it matters to both parties. We like people who are like us. It is a side human nature. Not its best side as it can liead to elitism, racism, sectarianism, etc.
many couples (not all) are of similar standing in most areas of life. E.G.
-education
-looks
-social standing
-intelligence
-etc.
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differences do affect a relationship. my mba classmate married a lady with an undergraduate degree. he works in an investment bank, she works for an airline - but she is the one who refuses to join us (the classmates and our s.o.'s) during social events. it's a pity because we would love to know her and meet her - after all she is our friend's wife. but it is her own insecurity that keeps her away. it definitely affects their relationship because it stresses him out.
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i am sure that's why our friend married her! ;-) and that's why we want to know her and meet her (especially those of us who didn't make it to their wedding)
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like i wrote: it's HER insecurity keeping her away. we're not all i-bankers either, and neither are our s.o.'s. in fact me and mine are neither - and my s.o. is self-made, no degrees. soooo: no jumping to conclusions please, hoyo. it's exactly as i wrote.
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you're so defensive - maybe that's what makes your otherwise rational replies received so poorly by others. as for your "suggestion" - you imply that our group doesn't value people for what they do. although i hate repeating myself, let me say again, for the last time: it is enough that she is our friend's beloved - we want to know her. we don't give two figs about her degree, ours, or our s.o.'s. but apparently...SHE does. she is the one who refuses all invitations.
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why don't you start off by paying a visit to your friend's house and getting close to his wife? some people are just shy and you'd probably have to make an effort to build such friendship, think about it...
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