Father's Infidelity Making Me Depressed

Hi all, I'm in a bit of a predicament at the moment and badly need advice. To move on or not, that sort of thing.


The problem is not me, it is my parents' marriage. Recently found out that Dad has cheated on Mom a second time, the first being 15 years ago in a 30+ year marriage. I just turned 30 and my brother is 29, and I am a bit flabbergasted at how my Mom wanted a divorce and the support of my brother and I one week, and doing a complete 180 the next week and has now, in every sense of the word, FORGIVEN mya**hole of a father.


(My mother has complete control over the financial assets in this family, so it's not like she needs him.)


I've been really torn up about this, a lot of it has to do with how my father has never been much of a father figure, but also because I see with my own eyes how he has completely destroyed her life and made her into the paranoid creature with major trust issues that she is today.


What I don't understand is HOW on earth can she forgive him - it feels to me like my mom is just a hurt puppy that keeps crawling back to the master that beats her. He isn't abusive but mentally has completely destroyed my mother. I watched my strong willed, beautiful mother disintegrate into pieces because of his attitude. Since his first infidelity, he has done ZILCH to prove to her and his family that he has turned over to a new leaf, not to mention cheating on her a SECOND time.


Oh, for both times, it's with prostitutes and escort girls from nightclubs. Real classy. The latest one is younger than me by years, too. WTF.


My brother has given up on my father a long time ago, and seems to be unaffected by this. I haven't been eating and I've been rolling in this big puddle of depressed mud for the last two weeks. I've been dropped weight like it's going out of style and I just can't bring myself to support my mom's decision this time. What should I do as her daughter?


Mind you, I don't give ash*t about my father. He can rot in hell for all I care.


I'm extremely heartbroken for my mother and even more so when she yells at me that I have such a poor opinion of my father. I can't seem to move on from this. Christmas is approaching and it kills me that my mom put up a Christmas tree last night. That is just outrageous. He doesn't deserve a spot at the family table and he has not spoken a word to me since the affair has been revealed to the family.


I'm afraid that this will break my spirit. I feel that SOMEONE in this family needs to FEEL, to validate the seriousness of this situation. Infidelity affects not just the marriage but there's also the family part of it. Where does the children come in?


How do I deal? Am I too old to feel grief towards this? I just need a little clarity, as I seem to be helpless at the moment and have none of my own. I do have a long distance boyfriend who has been somewhat supportive of me, but being he is 6 time zones away, it's hard to relate to him in first person what exactly I'm going through.


Any advice would be helpful. :(

On the one hand, I agree with Beancurd that it's the mother's decision about what she wants to do.


But just to give another point of view... what if the mother has been trapped in this relationship for so long that she's unable to help herself get out of a bad situation?


Baitbunny... obviously if you want to talk to your mother, you need to approach it carefully, because your mother seems angry that you are not supporting her decision and your father. See if you can talk to her about your feelings and how you care for her and want the best for her... and how you'll support her no matter what.


If your mother chooses to stay with your father... then okay, she's an adult and allowed to make her own decisions. So, on the same point, you are also an adult and if you decide that you cannot forgive your father - then your mother must also accept that you are allowed to make your own decisions. This is not just your father cheating on your mother. As you have pointed out, your father's actions have affected the family as well and you have a right to decide on what relationship you want to have with your father.

Quite an interesting post that is coming from a different angle to what we are used to see on this forum.


Baitbunny, you are healthy, and young, and have your values in place. My suggestion to you is to base your own life around these healthy feelings and values, and do not inflict them on your mother.


Your mum his hurting that your father has cheated on her and shown no regret, but she also knows that after 30+ years of marriage (she must be 50+) there aren't that many options out there for her. She probably feels that keeping the marriage is the better option for herself, rather then getting divorced and starting all over again. There are options for single 50+ year old women, but not many.


Being single might seem the better option in your eyes, but obviously not in your mother's eyes.


You can talk to your father and tell him how you feel about his behaviour. You can tell him that, as his daughter, how disappointed you are...just that he knows.

I agree with My Hong Kong. Your mothers perception of the problems will be diferent from those of you or your brother. After a certain age its about companionship.

You say it first happened 15 yrs ago as well. (Maybe he got caught the 1st time 15 yrs ago).Many parents stay in bad marraiges for the sake of their kids. Maybe yr mum compromised 'then' to provide a stable home(if you can call it that) for you and yr brother while you were in your teens.

I know many families where parents are living separate lives, turning a blind eye to many thnings for the sake of their children.


I feel you and your brother are old enough to make your own decisions and provide the family support to your mum IF she wants and needs it.


For now you can simply let her deal with her life on her terms.

Baitbunny,

Every family has one or a few cans of worms. It is better leave them unopened if possible. Fortunately, you all are adults now. If your own family cannot provide a kind of ideal family life you want, then go find the good life for yourself. Learn from their mistakes, move on and take care of your own life. Be there to be supportive and loving for any of them if they need help. it may sound selfish for some culture. But to love your family does not equal to take on their bagages.

It feels good to vent the frustrations out to close friends or on internet. But at the end of the day, all you can control is your own life. Take care of it and be careful of the ones who would drag you into their own miseries even they are the ones you supose to love.