Posted by
Chalupa
15 yrs ago
Pls. anyone
I need to find someone to help me ... i'm a single mom of 3 teens ,work full time, and with no help whatsoever of the ex emotionally or financially and no family here but all back home.
lately the house has become war zone.
kids are fighting with each other and when i get in the middle with me as well this has turn physical...
i'm very worried that this will be worst. Basically at this point they do whatever they want and my helper does not have any power over them when i'm not there.
i'm looking for counseling please would you pls recommend someone no so expensive.
I kindly request if you don’t have any positive input pls no need to reply... since i'm about to suffer an emotional break down...
thanks for your kind help
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You need to be a tough Mommy right now. Think of what is important to the teens eg computer, ipod, mobile, sports class, candy, favorite shirt and take it all away. When they start to obey you and the helper they earn it back. It will be very hard to start with but be determined.
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Agree with tiny teddy. It all goes in the bin: TV, computer, iPod. Give them a list of hosuehold chores and make sure they carry them out. Are they boys or girls? You can be quite rough with the boys as they get quite upset when their mum gets angry - at least I used to.
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Thanks Cara : i have contact St. John's already and they call me back... hope it can work out.
Tinnytedy : unfortunatelly I have been very strict always and now the problem is they dont care, if i even take away the gadgets they take it back... and when i ask for it they just dont give me... its very rugh
Em chan... I dont think I can literally carry a 16/ 12/ 11 years old to any place i want them to go, they are almost young adults and bigger than me.
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Chalupa. Just throw away the gadget. I did that with our TV and our flat turned into a haven of peace with children reading and playing the piano. No more fights about what to watch or gawping for hours at trashy Disney teen TV. I do have rthe advantage, though, of being a six-foot skinhead.
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Chalupa. Okay, this is a little bit crazy and a lot of people will laugh at the suggestion but it is do-able and there is method in my madness. If you cut the electricity then there will be no way for them to charge any of their gadgets. It means using a gas stove and gas lamps. All very cosy but people did it before and got by. The advantages are 1) their gadgets would gradually stop so you wouldn't have to confront them 2) they would be too embarrassed to ask their friends if they could charge them at their house 3) they would take you seriously and understand that you have a problem (boys especially need some kind of shock to bring them round) 4) it's cheaper. Everyone would lead a simpler life without distractions and everyone would have to work together.
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Chalupa,
Confiscate all gadgets.... I did it with my kids and we have almost the same age range of kids, 13 and 9 both boys. No more PSP, no NDs, No ipode no computer and no cellphone. One of them refuses to give me his cellphone and ipode... then my last last warning no allowance for a month... and if they want to go totheir father who does not give them financial support they do so and wil not come back here in my house...
Now what I have, peace of mind as nore more quarrels among the 2 of them. They now clean their own room, they do their own laundry and reading lots of books. Really peace.
Try this maybe it will work for your kids as it works with mine.
I am based in Hong Kong
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@LGMV - I did laugh but like your idea :). If people in modern age were willing to give up a little bit of convenience in their urban lives, people in my profession would not have had spent so much effort in getting people go green all these years.
@Chalupa - I'm not a mom so not much positive input can give. But perhaps kids behaving evil like fighting each other could be seen as "natural"? I rememer I used to fight a lot with my sister physically in our childhood. Now I still have my limb intact and, she and I are like good friends.
Or just assign some responsibility so to keep them occupied? Most of the times, they just need to vent their never-exhaustible energy.
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It's an authority and discipline issue. I think you need to check your emotions and not try to correct with a loud voice and harsh tone. Show your kids you are at the breaking point (use tears if you can) and bring them to the table for a serious family meeting. In your lowest and softest and most serious voice explain to them how you feel and what you require of them starting now to keep what's left of this family together. Tell them your responsibility is to work and providing for them. Their responsibility is school and chores because they are old enough and can share the load. But of course you have a helper and so this might be a joke to them but you know what? its not too late to start the routines even if you have a helper. Kids should have these responsibilities. Tell them that you need their co-operation and if you don't get it, then no electricity (good one) and no allowance. Allowance should come with responsibility ...don't even forget that...money doesn't grow on trees or drop from the sky. Try this and see what their reaction is...and do follow through on whatever consequences you have given. Hope things turn around soon.
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Shylok. If we're talking about teenage boys that's too much info for them to digest. They will just nod their heads and forget everything you have said; same applies to counselling which - in my view - has to be the least efficient way of explaining anything to a male under the age of 45. Nope, disconnect the electricity and watch with barely-disguised glee as their i-pods fizzle, pop, and fade away. As they are not 18, they won't even be able to reconnect using their own ID cards. Ha, ha.
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Loyd - Yes, perhaps its a lot. But I think it does more to help them understand what's happening and therefore in the longterm possibly more effective. Switching off the power without at least giving them notice that they can prevent it can backfire. Depending on what kind of kids you have, they might get enraged, bitter and really hate you for it. Then they will go out to their friends place or hang out at starbucks, and soon this will become a pattern...cuz mom goes nuts at home so it's much cooler to away from home. From there you will not be able to really communicate with your kids heart to heart again. But sure if you're already way past this point and everything is hopeless, pull the plug for some peace and quiet.
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I agreed with Shylok, try first the mellow way, the kids are wild, a mother who is hyper won't solve the problem. I am more on the talking sense side, althought it is a longer process, sometimes, an aunt or uncle can talk some sense into them, you need to let them know how hard you work for them and if they can help by behaving themselves. Another way is trying to work on the "pity me" side, I have kind of similar problem before when my children are in early teens, I told my best friend in front of them that my greatest worry is that they can not look after each other if I died suddenly cause they sure is behaving like enemies, and it really worries me sometimes I can't sleep and is affecting my health, blah blah blah... i know it is kind of drama but as someone mentioned, kids (specially boys) hate to see their Mom cry..gradually, they realised how sad i am whenever they fight and slowly the fighting diminish and the relationship improves.
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agree with madtown, get yourself out of there to where you've got family to support you, get the kids to help with the chores (note - turn electricity back on for vacuum)
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