Is husband right?

I've been married for 10 years now. We don't have children.I was in private business but got out when my husband and I wed. My husband, a university graduate and from an academic family also runs his own business. His business is highly unique and does not rely on a 'customer base' to trade, rather, information trading where he is more or less 'the client'.


Let me say at this stage that he loves his work. He spent many, many years working 100+ hours a week on this business and quite frankly, he is a genius. In his field he is ranked in the top 2%.

If it goes under, he would walk away without any personal financial damage (nor others) and just start again. He has also made a lot of money. The next 5 years will project him into 'mega money making'. That's ok, we are both very low key people and I must say his ego is normally in check, we live a very ordinary lifestyle without any pretentiousness and he is not 'tight' with the loot.


When ever we have a fight (and it's generally because of his long working hours vs let's have a little fun), he always brings up the fact that he is the breadwinner and I am privileged to his success. Therefore, I have no right to argue or complain about anything, and sometimes he thinks I take him for granted. Then, if he is feeling particularly nasty, he will say that perhaps I should go out and earn the money so he could reduce his working hours. (He wouldn't). He has said these things to me in front of mutual friends and my sibblings.


The fact is, if I went to work there is no way I could even match 5% of the income he commands. And he knows this fully well. It's an insult that completely floors me and renders me speachless when ever he has said it. This level of arrogance that directly identifies and belittles my lack of education cuts me deep. He knows I struggle with it at times with his parents, sibbling and university colleges.


As his wife of 10 years, and yes, not contributing on a financial level, I have to defend myself and state that I do not spend money recklessly. I do not buy myself designer clothes (although I do buy all his clothes and make sure they are), the only diamond I have is in my engagement ring, I do not have a joint bank account with him, I do not have a seperate bank account. I do not have any income flowing my way and use the visa (offshoot from his card) for all our day to day expenses or when I purchase a gift, household items or something for myself.

All our properties are in his name (including my home) nor is my car in my name (well, his old car). Everything we own is in his name alone, all our bill are in his name alone, in fact, if I dropped dead tomorrow he would not have to change a thing.


Is it right in what he says to me? Do other breadwinners feel the same as he does in their marrage? Is it the norm?


I just plod along trusting and support him and his business 100%. I acknowledge I am fortunate but so is he. He has never actually said that the wealth is his alone, but....it leaves a question mark nontheless.


Your thoughts are appreciated.

absolutely agree with onefreespirit. no matter how large or small your contribution is within your union, you deserve respect, period.


go out and get a job - never mind the amount of money you make. it will do wonders for your self esteem, and when you start reflecting and projecting that out into the world, your husband should stop disrespecting you.


even better: set up a joint account and put a portion of your salary into it. it's a small but magnanimous gesture which should put him to shame.


best of luck!

This is a two-part post.


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PART A:


I would agree with some of the other posters that you should consider getting a job. Ideally, you should aim for a position that would provide you enough to live independently if worse came to worse (e.g. divorce/separation). If, as you say, you guys lead a modest lifestyle and live well below your means, then making enough should be relatively do-able.


If your husband is smart, then he might come to understand that (1.) you don't need him to maintain your standard of living anymore and (2.) if he treats you poorly, you can realistically leave him without having to be a burden on your family members.



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PART B:


I'm a bit concerned, though, about what you may not be telling us ...


> When ever we have a fight (and it's generally because of his long working

> hours vs let's have a little fun), he always brings up the fact that he

> is the breadwinner and I am privileged to his success. Therefore, I have

> no right to argue or complain about anything, and sometimes he thinks I

> take him for granted. Then, if he is feeling particularly nasty, he will

> say that perhaps I should go out and earn the money so he could reduce

> his working hours. (He wouldn't). He has said these things to me in

> front of mutual friends and my sibblings.


How exactly do these fights start up? Are you the person pushing the "let's have a little fun" agenda? Does the "fun" involve spending significant chunks of what he perceives as the money earned from the sweat of his brow? Or setting aside his work for long stretches of time?


Also, do these mutual friends and siblings live with you? Otherwise, I don't see how you two could end up discussing new car purchases, vacation plans, etc. in any detail in their presence. My wife and I tend to kick ideas like this around privately, come to a decision, and then inform/involve family members and friends.


If my wife seemed to be making a habit of pressuring me into agreeing to large expenditures or taking large chunks of time off from my work in front of her family members, when she knew perfectly well that I regarded them as unreasonably large/long, I would be getting a bit salty too. Some people will try to put others into situations where they think it will be difficult to turn down a request, and where they have witnesses, and then press them like the devil.


I have no way of knowing whether this is, in fact, what you're doing but ... if it is ... then please stop.


Of course, none of the above is relevant if your husband is launching into fits of rage when you ask him to try the coffee-flavoured Pokka sticks instead of the traditional chocolate-flavoured ones.


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Hi Hongkong40,

I honestly have to say that what your husband does is totally un-called for. It must be so humiliating for you and is not a loving gesture at all. What do you put up with that??? Was he like that when you married him?? I can totally understand that couples have their own private disputes, but it is so sad that he feels the need to say such things in front of friends! Have you ever asked him exactly why he does it and told him how you feel??? I think you really really need to confront him about it.

Would it make him more angry if you did stand up to him??? If so, you should stand your ground - you are after all his wife, and play an equal part in the relationship to him - perhaps not financially - but money is not everything. Sure it's nice to be comfortable, but I'm sure you would still love him if he wasn't such a big earner.

Furthermore, you said that you were in a business but then got out when you and your husband wed - why did you do that??? Plus, if he ever says that you don't make any money, then you should remind him of how you did but then your marriage to him stopped you!!!!

Best of luck!

Husbands normally feel that they should be the breadwinners and sometimes, they would like that fact to be appreciated since that's the only thing they are very good at.

It happened to my mom, she left her job for my dad, be full-time housewife, she's well-provided but the verbal insults were really... ( i dont know how to describe it). As expected, things turned out really bad and they cant work everything out.

Hongkong 40, I have a question for you to explore...


If you had never married, what would have been your dream career? Your dream life?


In what ways might you work toward some of those pieces even if you do stay married?

hongkong40 ... what would really concern me is the fact that you said, "If I dropped dead tomorrow he wouldn't have to change a thing" ... Have you thought how difficult things would be for you if he "dropped dead tomorrow", and all your finances/bank accounts/credit cards/properties etc., are all in his name alone???? God forbid that anything should happen to your husband, but in the event that something did, the last thing you'll be wanting to worry about is your financial situation ... Of course, legally, I presume you'll be entitled to it, being his wife ... but would you want all the hassels that you'd have to deal trying to sort it all out at a time of bereavement? A relative of mine had a problem when her husband died, and she had to wait several months before the solicitors managed to sort out her finances ... not a great situation to be in.


My husband has ensured that everthing we have/own ... bank accounts/mortgages on property etc. ... are all in joint names, so hopefully, when the day comes, neither of us will have to worry about our financial situation. I think it's time you discussed this with your husband.

Thanks for your responses. Reading them makes him sound like a pr**k, but he really is quite a nice guy.


We are currently spending 3mths in HK. We have been here 1.5mths and although I love it here, I do not have girlfriends or family to hang out with. I spend most of my days alone exploring. He has serveral mates here and I know I am welcomed to join them (and I do) with their daily lunches & dinners (almost daily). The other day I reminded him that he has not taken me to any restaurant whilst we have been here (apart from the hotel we are staying at), nor spent any time with me outside the hotel. That's when he (again) pointed out to me about the breadwinner business and shut me down.


What also suprised me was that one of his mates, whom he admires greatly, told him privately that he felt he showed me little respect with the way he spoke to me. This guy, who barely knows me picked up on areas where I have come to find 'normal'. It supprised my husband (he told me about it) but it shocked me more that I have become so complacent. And this whole thing has really started to bother me. This past month, I have spent so much time on my own and with my own thoughts that it has given me the oportunity to reflect on my and our lives.


Chang2, I do all the domestics as well as look after his family if they are in need. This doesn't worry me as such, although he thinks it is trivial and will at times suggest I get outside help. We live in a country where DH does not exist in the same terms as in Asia. When I get back home I will however get some home help, this is generally 2 hours a week.


gzStone, you have identified his personality well. Yes, he is like the mad professor who can only focus on the importance of his work, everything else is secondary. Just like his father....


He is slow to anger however, his sharp tounge is like a knife.


Truar, when these fights start up it is usually because after several weeks, the only time we have spent together is an hour or so over dinner. Then he's back in his office until 11pmish. I will be watching TV at that time and he'll sit with me and fall asleep within 3 mins. People comment that it must be great that he works from home but the truth is, he is so disciplined in his autonomous work, he rarely wanders out the office for a chat. I get angry because this is a 7 day a week, 52 days a year pattern. Having said that, we do go to our local pizza bar Fri nights for dinner where at times our friends join us.


As far as pressuring him to make a large expensive purchase, well, I know I can just go out and do it myself without consulting him. He's ok with that.


Is it unreasonable for me to think that we should (on occasions) go to the movies, have a romantic evening...?


My family do not live with us but we are close. I do not discuss with them our personal dealings, it's too personal! Like you and your wife, we inform them after our decisions have been made and they are not the interfering sort anyway.


Ladybird, it does humiliate me. He wasn't like this before but the past couple of years he has been brutal. I have tried talking to him of my concerns but he will not discuss anything openly, rather preferring to fly into a rage, or send me into one where we both have to walk away. Discussion over. It is these times I question if it is worth staying with such a manipulative (and pasive manipulative) person. It's degrading. And he seems to be getting better at it as he ages.


For me going back into business is an option but do I really want to bear the stresses of running a business? I think not. It seems now that we will be spending half each year in HK anyway, so a job may be out of the question as well.


Travelinteacher, your comments are interesting and I will give great thought here.


Saphire, you are spot on. It would be a nightmare if I was put in that position. This definately will be addressed when we are back at home.


To all of you, thanks for taking the time to respond, it really has helped me. I am even considering showing him this thread...maybe.

Is it acceptable you that he can't sit down and discuss this openly? I don't think the issue is the money or the fact that he earns more than you. You need to think about how you feel and how he feels. You feel that you deserve a bit more attention. He gives work most of his attention. I am not clear from this letter how he feels..and maybe you don't know which might be the problem. Anyways, sitting down and talking to each other about each of your actions and how it makes the other person feel might be a start. Even if each of you wrote a letter saying how certain things made you feel, it might at least bring some issues into awareness. Does he know you feel belittled when he speaks this way? Does he know that your self-worth is suffering? You can't assume that he does..and you may have no idea how he is feeling as well... anyways, once you pinpoint the feelings each of you are having..then you can take the next step to figure out how to change those feelings. A counsellor can help you do this if you have difficulty on your own..

To say the least, your husband is an axx there is no doubt about it, but also I though, he is only trying to secure what he had and for he sake of upholding an average living standard /family's legacy whatever that means. Afterall, Hongkong is with a lack of better word, a dog eat dog city.


It all comes down to where is all begans, Love.

Remember how it all begins, how you both met, fallen in love and getting married? This is a good start to remind your husband, besides money, love is just as important.


I really have no comment on this as the old Chinese saying tell us "each family have its own bible that's hard for others to comprehend ".


The only thing that I encourages is to speak up. Let him know what's on your mind and see if your both can work it out.