Aftermath of a break-up...

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ORIGINAL POST

Posted by seneca 18 yrs ago

I am a free man again, free to roam the prairies, discoes and countries!

Do I feel relieved, liberated or happy?

I have very mixed feelings!

To begin with, I can honestly say I didn't marry just out of fun; I took it seriously - it was my first one and I thought it was going to be my only one!

I had excluded quite a number of obvious gold-diggers and country princesses in search of Mr Good with the RIght Passport and/or bank accounts. I chose a woman from a modest background, not too sophisticated, not too intellectually deficient.

But she was smarter than me. Or more shrewd, as the case may be!

We overcame all those bureaucratic hurdles, cutting through miles and miles of red tape - at a cost. She was a mainlander, I am a Westerner; there are special rules that must be obeyed in such a case. Ditto when you have to seek a divorce!

The divorce was necessary because of a variety of reasons beyond my control: just a few months into our marriage, the lady decided she no longer needed to work. She thought it was her right to stay at home, in bed or go out to gamble - as she felt like. I had to earn cash to survive, and some of my savings mysteriously evaporated. You see, you must at all times carry some cash on you, and where do you hide that? That was the issue - whatever I thought I owned she thought was hers, and she asked no questions - the money changed hands, often without me in the know! Bank accounts? She managed to get an ATM card to MY bank account... Hiding under clothes or books? She found the dough because she had more time to turn things upside down all day long!

Some time later, her family began to milk me. Her brothers came in exactly two qualities: one good and kind, the other bad and disreputable. My wifey was more attached to her bad brother than to her good one; one day she helped him siphon off cash from my account - with me using my own ATM card and him "signing a solemn promise to return this loan" - which, of course, never happened!

My ex also has a lovely and intelligent daughter from her former husband. I liked that girl, and often miss her. I should pity her - what with her mother being the way she is!

One time I was absent for a protracted period of time; I would phone home to make sure everybody was happy there. For 2 weeks it was the then 7-year old girl answering the phone; can you imagine this: this woman let her own daughter fend for herself in a 3-room apartment?

The poor girl had to cook for herself, go out to enjoy her summer holidays on her own, wash up and take a shower all by herself. I was one hell worried she might set off an explosion using my gas stove, or get electrocuted using electrical appliances... Where was her mother?

Her mother had "business" to do; sometimes she came home with a new gift - a brand-new digital camera, a mobile phone, - from someone she had befriended! But work? No thank you, silly hubby!

One time, she stole 1000 from my money belt and disappeared for a whole month; I later learnt she had successfully peddled a girl from rural China to a man in Taiwan who had asked her sister in Taiwan to help him find a Chinese bride... She said the two sisters made 20'000 kuai between them!

You can now imagine why I wanted to get rid of this woman.

Which I did; of course, here on the mainland it is a little more challenging!

I had to first find a laywer; can you imagine that lawyers turn you down? Many did - "hopeless case". Because a marriage is not just a contract; it's a sanctified agreement ideally leading to a permanent union between two individuals.

OK, I found a lawyer, and that cost quite a bit extra; for Chinese it's simple: walkin the registrar's office and declare your union invalid and void; it is granted on the spot.

I had to go to a harrowing court session. Such trials are now public, and I was unpleasantly surprised on my first day at court to notice a number of total strangers. Luckily, they were not after such small fry. We were then alone in that court room.

But as a non-Chinese, you feel somewhat disadvantaged because you have to prove every thing you lay at the feet of your opposite number.

I could prove that my wife had enormous bursts of anger, during which she could not control herself; she would attack me. Does a man fight his own wife? I wisely refrained - most of the time.

But once I had to go to a hospital, and I was refused a report for the cops because the doctor was afraid he would have to testify in court. He didn't want to get involved in that!

I eventually convinced policemen to accept a complaint from me - which they reluctantly did, filing a complaint and all.

My first attempt at a divorce failed because if the two adversaries cannot agree in front of the judge they are condemned to a "mediation" - i.e. a 6 month trial period during which they are supposed to patch things up.

OF course we couldn't patch them up - I wouldn't have gone to the extreme of enlisting the judiciary if I hadn't been depserate to recover my freedom!

Finally, the second session 7 months later afforded me the long-awaited divorce. Am I relieved! And sad at the same time.

I realise now how difficult it is to make a good judgement of a person's character! I have lost my self-esteem and faith in others.

NOt that the divorce proceedings were smooth - my ex couldn't be located because she has been drifting around; not that it was painless: the court decided to award her pecuniary compensation even though the woman stole a suitcase full of expensive valuables from my home, which was recorded by the court.

Of course, I have only myself to blame for having married that person; she was a truly sweet and charming woman initially. She simply changed virtually over night!

And one year into our marriage she actually suggested we divorce - because she had found a personal classified by a wealthy man who was looking to marry a younger woman! I was so shocked when she suggested that at that time...saying she needed a man who "can take better care of me and show some responsibility".

Yes, she kept accusing me of being irresponsible... ...because I didn't have the material means to satisfy her greed!