How to tell my family not to visit...

I am pregnant, due in July. Because of complications delivering my first child, my doctors have advised me to get a c-section. They have also said I will need a month to recover. Here is the problem, my sister is moving in with us in two weeks after a nasty divorce and custody battle with her ex-husband. She has two kids (age 2 and 8mo.). Before I got pregnant, I told her that she could live with us for as long as she wanted to get away from all the bad memories she has. It took almost ten months for her to sort everything out but now she is coming and I am not going to tell her not to. My sister and I are very close and I look forward to her companionship while I am pregnant.


Here is the problem, my mom wants to come here for the birth of the baby. I told my mom that is fine but now my younger sister AND her husband AND her two kids want to come. My husband is very busy with is job and is not here about two weeks a month. Plus I am going to be recovering from surgery, I hardly think it is appropriate for ALL of them to come here when I am sick in bed the entire time. We do have the space in our house but just the idea of having all of them here during that time.... I have told my mom that I do not think my youngest sister and her husband (who I have never met) should come but my younger sister and my mom both say that I am being lame because I have told my other sister she is welcome here. I want to tell them not to come but I don't want to be mean about it. My husband has said to make him the scape-goat and blame it on him but I don't know. If this were any other time, I would welcome them all to visit, but seeing as I will be in bed most of the time and they cannot speak ANY chinese I don't know what they will do here. My husband is too busy to be showing them around (plus when he has any free time, he wants to be with me and the baby, not sightseeing). We do have a nanny but she does not speak ANY English so she would not be able to take them around, nor do I expect her to, I will need her help at home. Is there a way I can keep the peace in my family? I feel guilty for not welcoming them, even though I feel my reasons are valid.

I agree with Cara, just tell them straight, without letting them think first that you agree with them all coming, and then changed your mind. They might be a bit disappointed first, but they won't stop loving you because you need some space during that particular moment. Tell them you'd love to have them and you will need their help once you've found a routine and your energy back...

So I took your advice, thanks Cara, I pretty much used your advice exactly as you put it, much nicer than what I would have said. Now my mom is a little bent out of shape and my sister says she will think about it. My mom also said that they can come for the birth AND later. This is driving me nuts. I don't think they are going to take no for an answer. I was hoping to avoid hurting their feelings.

When my mum and my MIL started to fight to be the first one to be there before, during and after the birth, I just told everyone, family and friends, that WE didn't want ANYONE during at least the 2 first months. Some of them understood with no problem, some others just said nothing ( but I could hear them thinking... this girl has no heart !)... but at the end, I got what I wanted, and now it's far away and everybody is happy.

Thanks for the defense of c-sections Cara. I have a lot of friends who have had c-sections and ALL of them have said that a c-section is a big deal.


Anyways, it has come down to this, I have told my sister and her family that they cannot come at that time but we would like them to visit next winter. My mom on the other hand will not take no for an answer and is insisting on coming and that is fine if it is just her. She says she has to come because my MIL was here for the birth or my first child.

Hi Kamma..

was in the same situation as you a few years ago..

my mom insisted so much she HAD to come over to take care of our eldest child when time would come for me to deliver...

it took months before she finally agreed to come AFTER the birth (coinciding with Xmas actually) and the way to convince her was that we could never really know the delivery date and that she might come for 'nothing'... and which has already happened for some other moms actually.. and which would have been really the case as I delivered very late..

so not sure if you have already mentioned that you are having a C-section.. but if not, that might be a point?

but even though, my parents finally came when baby was 1 month, that was still too early for me..

good luck in any case....

hey kamma...everyone has given you good suggestions...! hope you sort it out...


the other option is: if you want to please evryone, i'll take your family out for sightseeing when they are here..! haha...i know it can be stressful, but think of the upside...AT LEAST YOU STILL HAVE A FAMILY..who by the sounds of it LOVE YOU..and want to see you...

Thanks for your offer jon and yes you are right, I am lucky to have a family that loves me and wants to see me. I have come to an agreement with them. My sister and her family will come next winter or summer for a visit when I am able to show them around, hang out and most importantly enjoy their company and my mom will come for the baby and then maybe again with my sister.


As for my husband, he is just trying to be supportive but has said that he barely has time for us as it is because he is so busy and he worries that having that many people in our house would be too crazy (and it would).

hi Kamma, now worries..i am sure ppl on this forum can help with babysitting, or showing your family around..Me Included....i will be happy to be the tourist guide...life is meant to be happy..with family..so, hope you enjoy..and good luck with the birth...:-)

I just had a c-section and i wished i had my family to help out while I rested. might not be such a bad thing, especially when your husband is away for long period of time. Lucky my husband works from home. if not i think i might go crazy.