Posted by
Scott M
15 yrs ago
I've recently started a part-time MBA. I'm juggling a demanding career, with lots of travel and family. My wife hasn't been very happy with the time I am now spending on books and work - this is putting a lot of strain on our relationship.
I would like your advice and experiences (from both the men & women's perspective) from those who have been through/going through this.
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I'm not going through your situation but here's some words of encouragement.
It's important to have your wife's support when you're trying to juggle so many things. Of course, from your wife's perspective, she would probably like you to be around and available more.
How long will the MBA take?
You know, sometimes women appreciate small things - so you really need to have a chat with her about what she wants. In the longterm, she will also benefit from you having an MBA because it can improve your career prospects and salary. On top of that, you're working hard to work to support the family. I understand all your considerations.
Have a gentle chat with her and see if there's small things you can do - such as taking the kids for one or 2 hours once a week, off somewhere to play together. While you are doing your best to support your family... you mustn't forget that that support involves taking a bit of time to nurture those relationships.
And if you need some intensive study time before a paper/exam etc... always better to notify the wife ahead of time. We don't like surprises! It's better to tell her that next month, you'll be really busy - ask her permission if it's ok to put your nose in your books.
Maybe your wife just needs to hear some kind words from you so she's not feeling that she and the children are being neglected.
Good luck with the MBA!
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If your MBA is one year, that is a huge cmmitment of time. But it is only for a short time period. Perhaps 10-11 months, some of which you have already completed.
Time management is one of the most useful things you will learn on your MBA, and it isn't even taught.
Time management is key. Take every opportunity that you are out of the house to study. This way you will minimise the impacts of life when you are at home. Forget any notion of good/bad times of day for your stuydy performance. Forget any ideas of the perfect study environment. An ipod with suitable music can help you drown out distractions, Baroque music is supposed to be good for study.
Plan to doreading on you journey to/from work, if you use taxi or public transport. Plan to do at least some research or writing in your lunch hour. If the mornings is a family time where you do not really contribute then leave home early to get to the offiice to study, before other staff arrive (I found this to be a good time).
Look for any non propductive time in your life. For example, no TV for the next year. You may find that not watching the news makes you happier, it did me. BTW time spent playing with the kids, and giving attention to your wife are VERY productive, do not sacrifice these.
Be aware of assignment blues. Do you get stressed out as deadlines approach? This can seriosly affect the relationships with those around us. Again, time management will help, never procrastinate starting, and you will finish early. Not only will you enjoy study more, you will get better marks.
The Open University do a book The MBA Sudy Guide that has a lot of tips for succesful study and time management. But Wharton and others also do them. You can also google a lot. I know this reasearch into time management will eat further into your time, but will pay back dividends.
Speak to your wife, and find out what she does not like now, it may be a simple shift in your schedule or attitude will help a lot. Consider that she is not part of the problem, consider what you can do to help fix things. Discuss things with your wife, she may be able to help a lot, especially in areas of reducing stress on your homelife.
Just some thoughts, from the world's worst student.
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the key is clarifying expectations beforehand and understand why someone is doing an MBA (part time or fulltime). Often it serves either as intellectual stimulation or to advance the earning potential.
the amount of time invested mentioned by papa midnight sounds about fair, but just a little bit investigation would clarify this point beforehand. anyone who doesn't do at least that much checking beforehand, should in theory not be allowed to attend an mba course.
once that is know, it really boils down to agreeing together and clarifying expectations from each other during this time
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i have a somewhat similar experience to share. My husband decided to embark on his CFA intensive self study, just as our firstborn was about due. The books arrived in late Dec, our son arrived in Jan. Hubby aimed to complete it in 6 months. He's extremely disciplined with his time, and on top of that he is a very active person who needs to spend at least a few hours every week on sports. We dont have any family in Singapore. So guess how 'difficult' if was for us both after our son arrived. Whenever i needed a break or help with our son he wasnt there because he was 'studying', or worrying about studying when we were spending time together. Sometimes I had no company for dinner as he had to get back to st udying and my son was ultra sticky in the first months so I was literally stuck/glued to him, I coudlnt even wash my hair without hearing his little cries and feeling frustrated. In the end as his June exam approached hubby panicked as a couple of weeks before he stumbled across an exam website and did not pass the mock exams, plus he realised that the passing rate was based on percentile, and nor pasing marks. He didnt take the exam. I was furious as we had many unhappy 'chats' over this and it all came pouring out. Anyway he took a break and finally sat for the exam in Dec with a more relaxed time table. Glad to report he passed it but it was hell. He was too confident and naive to think he could juggle a career, study and newborn (plus I work full time too, imagine how alone I felt). He now says he'll never study part time again.
I would only recommend it if one has family or maid for support, esp if young children are involved. I dont think it would have been so hard for me if we were childless, I'd still have time for my own and friends etc.
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Papamidnight and Cookie are bang on for time commitment.
MBA in one year will take about 30-40 hours a week study time.
In 3 years about 12 hours a week. If you are doing it in 3 years, and you are getting family problems, you should (as suggested) check your motives.
If you are doing it for self actualisation, you may get a lot more self actualisation focusing on your family.
If you are an experienced middle manager who is tipped for promotion then it is worth doing the MBA.
If you are a younger, or doing it out of ego or vanity, it may be better to put it off.
In the past MBAs were not common, and could help future advancement a lot. Today there are so many MBA grads out there, with no experience, the value of an MBA has been eroded. If is no longer a guaranteed ticked to senior management. Couple this with the fact that a lot of what was MBA theory, is now part of everyday management training.
Both my wife and I are MBAs, and neither of us have really benefitted that much career wise. We just understand more now, and can do a better job.
Would I do the MBA again? Probably not.
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Thanks for your feedback.
My MBA takes about 2 years. I thought my relationship with my wife was strong and that we had that understanding that I would be able to concentrate on my MBA and work and spend time with the family on weekends.
I can't help but wonder if she doesn't understand why I am doing the MBA (for career advancement), maybe we had some problems in our relationship & differences in how we approach life.
Are there guys out there who have been through this - did your marriages survive? Would also love to hear the women's opinions, especially the wives' side of the story.
Thanks!!
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I think if you can still catch up At Least 3 Times Good Quality S*x with your wife Every Week, then there won't be big problem for you to take MBA ....
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I understand what your wife is going through as my husband did 1 year part time studying too, we talked about it before he started, we agreed to have a date once a week and at least 3 times good quality of S*x(like what rainbow1980 said).. not really easy though because there are sometimes that i need to give him space which is very very difficult for me because i used to seek a lot of attention from him and we have to paused all our activities together (walking every night, watching TV together etc.).
What i did was i go to the gym while my husband is studying in night time or in day time, go out with friends for lunch or coffee, ask her to do something else that makes her happy. communication is the best thing to do...
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Scott
Was the decision to do the MBA a unilateral one?
Did you discuss it with your wife first?
In either case you need to do some renegotiating, now that impacts on family life are better understood by you both.
It is likely that a two year programme will have a summer break. This is something you can plan for, so that you are putting some quality time back into your family. You can also put your timeline into perspective. For example, if the course runs November to June (as mine did), then in the course in not 24 months, but 20 months, with a 4 month break in the middle. This makes negotions easier, as you would perhaps only have 16 months remaining now, with a four month break only 4 months away. You should still do some reading, but you can at least go back to being a husband and father.
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Also depends on if she is the woman need attention all the time or she is the woman need her own time, that she can be very well be alone. If she needs attaention all the time, and you care about your relationship very much, you better do not leave her alone at home. or you get her the same course, so you 2 can study together. Most things in the world are very simple, you have to give up something in order to get or keep something you want...
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Thanks again for all the advice and support.
Tigerbay - my course runs for almost 2 years. There is no break in between as it's already on the express track, it being a part-time program. With a demanding program work-load coupled with an equally demanding work and travel schedule, I am finding it hard to juggle.
I had wanted to do an MBA earlier but put it off after we had our first child. Now that our first born is 3, I figured it would be a good time for the MBA but my wife under-estimated how demanding the program would be.
Rainbow - my wife can't be on the same course as the program is for executives and she is a full-time home-maker.
If anyone else is going through this or have gone through this, please share your experiences.
I'm thinking of seeking professional marital counseling.
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As a small boy in the 1970s, my dad did a course with the Open University in the UK and I still remember him slogging over his work at the dinner table, not being able to play with me and that awful Open University call signal on the TV. Not a problem as he did it for the family but you don't understand that when you are small. Also, are MBAs any use any more? Honestly if you owned a company, would you pay extra money to someone with an MBA given the recent financial crisis? Personally, I'm looking at agriculture and welding as possible career alternatives. The future is in construction and farming.
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I'm a westerner and I appreciate the dedication to learning I have seen in HK and the Far East in general. I prefer it to the western approach so I send my kids to local schools. Having said that, in HK and Singapore there appears to be an almost fetishistic attitude to degree courses and box-ticking. Is the MBA really worth it? Are you being taught ground-breaking management techniques or are you just following the herd and being conned into doling large amounts for cash for a qualification which is essentially worthless?
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"Just to add to my earlier comment. My ex-wife's MBA has not actually made any difference to her career, she is still basically doing the same job in a bank. Many people in the bank have MBA's so maybe it is not the golden ticket it once was. I don't mean to degrade all the hard effort that goes into getting a MBA its just that from a career viewpoint there may be other ways of getting on."
true but i actually don't see many seniors that do NOT have an MBA (or equivalent). my sense is that it's more a hygiene factor these days rather than a differentiator
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No matter MBA is useful or not to career, its obviously won't help much to your relationship. (If a woman loves (or loves more) a man just because he hold MBA, that is really this man's tragedy ) And if to take a MBA course may bring trouble to your relationship, you really need to think which is more important to you at this point.
Maybe you think you take MBA is for promotion in the future and better life for your family. But did you ask your wife and kid, what do they want ? Your company or better life ? Plus once you get promotion, you will be more busy than now. From your side, you consider better life is more important (without doubt), but what your wife and kid think?
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Go to the bookstore and find this: What Women Wants Men to Know by Barbara something... Get a few tips from it - it will not let you down!!
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Thanks for the feedback. I'm originally from the US and have been in Asia for 4 years. In other to get ahead, I still think that the MBA would help in the long run. It's not a question of "why MBA" but rather, I was hoping to seek advise/guidance from those who have juggled a demanding career and a part-time MBA program and family.
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Seriously Scott, no-one's asked this question yet, but do you like the job you're in?
My husband did his MBA many years ago, and with the overseas travelling he does now, there's no way he could complete it ! It took him 18months, solid work at a good uni, before we had kids. They've grown up now, and he would not have the time today to do it (and still be around for 'family time')
Is it a great uni MBA? I have to agree with earlier posters in that there has been a massive "dumbing down" of MBA courses through the years. If you can advance within your company, is it necessary? It's not always the 'be-all-and-end-all' degree for career advancement, is it the right path for you?
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Scott, at the end of the day, you can seek advice from whomever you like but it really boils down to you and your wife - not other people's experiences.
So just approach her and tell her that you're aware the MBA is causing problems. You can give it up because wife and kids are number one. But because you're really keen to do the MBA and you need her support, could she try marital counselling with you to see if there's anyway you can manage, as a family, all of these obligations together.
I assume you still have over one and a half years left of the MBA - that's a long time if it ain't a happy situation...
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Scott
Have you spoken to your tutor? He/she may have experience of this, or maybe you can be put in contact with previous students who overcame the same problem.
Also, it is most likely that there is a student counselling body that has dealt with this before.
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I've been through this experience and I was the woman in this scenario. So, there's this thing called responsibility that women take very seriously, perhaps too seriously but what can you do? A couple kids, a husband who travels away and works a lot can take a toll on a woman who is staying home with the kids, managing everyone. It ain't easy.
When my husband brought up the MBA, I heard the reasons why, personal and professional, and I understood them.
The idea of it stressed me out because it represented another set of responsibilities for me to take on and I wasn't entirely certain I wanted to manage them. That said, I knew I could manage and, ultimately, I did so.
Definitely not easy and, in honesty, the biggest cost was my loss of self. I tried quite hard to maintain my own set of interests, activities, etc. but the truth was that I was single parenting and that sucked. A certain level of emotional disconnect between myself and husband occurred and it took a while to reconnect.
I have to say that, in retrospect, I probably needed to hear more about my husband's personal reasons for the degree because that's where the connection between a husband and wife occurs. Personal stuff=intimacy.
I'd suggest a good marital counsellor as referee in the discussion. Dig underneath into the fears and feelngs VS practicalities of your degree. Counselling can be very liberating.
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Not sure this is the answer that you want to hear but I will share it anyway. Back in 1992 I started a part-time MBA course. My wife and I were both in full time employment in Hong Kong at the time and our kids were 9 an 12. I spent three evenings a week and all Saturdays on study. Long and short of it was that we divoced in 1997 (mainly due to her serial infidelity) but she cited my lack of attention to her while studying as a cause.
Funny she has never refused to accept the additional alimony that my enhanced career brought in!
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sxlittle, thank for sharing your story.
this is the result that i supposed would happen to the author too, but i didn't say it out earlier, though it was a bad signal ... but actually it will happen 95% possibility.
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