help please!

Hey guys, let me give you a little information and background myself first. I am a 25 year old Chinese woman who has lived in Australia for almost 6 years. 4 months ago(May 2011), I met a guy through work, he approached me first by sending me emails. We started talking to each other; he took me out for dinners, etc etc. I thought everything was going very well. 3 weeks later, I slept with him before he committed, which was really really stupid. I was expecting him to call me as his girlfriend, but he didn’t. In the middle of June, he realised I was very unhappy, according to him, we still needed to get to know each other better before we are in a relationship，which was completely BS.blah blah blah. As stupid as it sounds, I believed him. I continued seeing him for another 2 months, and course of I was quite frustrated all this time. I could feel he was only using me for sex, but I thought I could turn out to be his girlfriend one day. And later I realised this is only because he is just not that into me!! I mean if a guy is crazy about a girl, he would want to grab her ASAP, wouldn’t he? Anyway, I started ignoring his calls and texts 2 weeks ago, and I am not seeing him anyway.

I am actually getting very depressed these days. I know I got played by him. I am just trying to think, is it all because I slept with him too early, and that ruined everything? Or is it because he just doesn’t want to settle down? A man at his age(33) should be looking for marriage already. I know I have to move on, but I am not very sure which will be the most appropriate way or place to meet my potential husband?

Woah, ok, back that horse up a bit. Your story sounds like so many chinese girls here in Hong Kong. They sleep with someone and think that instantly that makes them the girlfriend because in their eyes, they are only putting out because they are "in love" or hope to one day marry this guy AND (this is the most important part) they assume that the guy they slept with already KNOWS this. Erm, thats not how it works with most western cultures...if you put out early doors it means you like sex are comfortable with your sexuality or something similar, NOT that you are looking for marriage anytime soon.


Sorry, but thats not how it works. So the rule of thumb should be, dont put out unless you are in a commited relationship...OR, put out (if you enjoy sex etc) but know full well that you are doing so for mutual benefit and that if the guy were to use you purely for the sex, then you kinda knew that was a very distinct possibility, but be honest that you were also using him for the sex...It takes two hands to clap...I dont see why anyone who doesnt enjoy sex would want to have it in the first place.


You sound like someone desperate to find a husband and if you are, then maybe thats what sent this guy running for the hills. Of course, the other options could be that you suck in bed or he had some better options out there...but in order to be fair, me thinks its the whole "I wanna settle down and find a husband" thing that would scare anyone off more than the ignoring mails or calls.


Just because he is 33 doesnt mean he is looking for a wife...most men arent looking to settle down until they are creeping up on 40 these days! So if I were you, I wouldnt get too upset about having gravely misjudged the situation but also I would walk away from this having learned some very valuable lessons.


1) Men dont get laid unless women put out.

2) if you put out, I assume you made a conscious decision to do this based on how you felt for the guy, your libido working overtime and maybe you were thinking he was gonna sweep you off your feet and marry you. Jot this down: You were wrong to think the last thing.

3) Feeling let down is a natural process that happens when you learn you made a mistake in judgement...so just deal with it and try not to make the same mistake next time.


And if you are husband shopping, putting out is not the way to go about it. Make sure you really KNOW who you are dealing with and whether you two are compatible enough to go the distance, before getting all pie eyed and dreaming of church bells.

Thanks for your advices, I would like to pull out some facts here:

first of all, as a matter of fact, I didn't suck in bed, but he did

second of all, I am not really desperate for a husband and I didnt act like desperate around of him neither. Howeve, he might think i am desperate?

Also he told me that he was actually looking for marriage, but he just needed to get to know the person better first as he didnt want to end up divorcing etc etc. Honestly i think these are all crap, he was manipulating me through these words. At the end of the day, the fact is that he was NEVER SERIOUS at the start.

I have learnt the hard way, the bottoem line is: do not give out sex too easily until the guy is committed

Plus, and this is the big kicker, count yourself lucky that you found out that this guy sucks in bed before hoping he could make good marriage material!


I mean, either its an ego thing that you are saying this, as most women tend to go for the low blow, like "he had a small weiner" or something...but it begs the question why you are so heartbroken or concerned with having judged this guy as marriage material (guys will say anything to seem like more trustworthy or the likes) when you KNOW for a fact now that he is a crap lay!


I wouldnt lose sleep over it if I were you. Bottom line or not, you say he was a crap shag...so really, nothing lost here. And next time, go with your gut instinct, if your gut is telling you that the guy is full of shizz, he probably is. Many women doubt their gut instinct and over ride it because they are keen to see a relationship happen, dont be that woman.


Good luck.


And I am of the mindset that its better to know someone is a crap shag before its too late, but in general, its too late by the time you find out. Also, as my kid brother says, love is something that happens when you sleep with the same person one too many times. Its a cynical way of looking at it but really, the brain has a way of tricking women into love through lust because of chemicals released etc, it impairs the judgement. So be well aware of that too.

You are right, Your gut feelings are mostly true. If you think you are bing played, you probably are. In fact, i dont care about a guy's peformance in bed, I do care about the way he treats me.

" i dont care about a guy's peformance in bed, I do care about the way he treats me"

Are you saying that for as long as a guy isn't a player you are willing to settle for crap sex for the rest of your life?

Took the words right out of my mouth, Mike204, but I guess that in all honesty I was waiting for someone else to say it.


Sex is pretty important for a decent marriage, and I assure you, OP, if the sex sucks in the beginning, its pretty likely that once marriage sets in, you will be wholly lacking in enthusiasm to even put out for crap sex...which then leads to ALL the woes we read on the AX marriage and reltaionships forum. SMH. If he is treating you nice before marriage, its unlikely, with no sex, that he will continue to be such a nice guy.

Sex is absolutely important for a sucessful marriage. A question for ya, if a guy sucks in bed, is there anything to do with the girl? Or it's just because he is not fit or experienced?

Yes, having sex is absolutely important for a successful partnership! As for rating the ''quality'' of sex...this is a tricky area. For some people kinky sex, role plays, threesome, having 12 different positions during one sexual session etc. is what they consider as good quality sex. Others could not possibly be bothered with so much effort and drama. They are not bad at sex, but they are quite happy with somewhat less theatrical performances.


In the case of chocmuffins, sex is really not The Problem. The problem is that the guy told her stories so he could keep her around as long as he could without any commitment from his side. That's a very common problem and some guys know how to use this technique very well. Very early on they tell you what you want to hear and there isn't a way for you to know whether it is genuine or a manipulation. Look for a decent guy. That's all. Sex feels better with a decent guy. :)

My Hong Kong...I think you have some good points there, but bear in mind that chocomuffins saw this guy as a crap lay and would still consider a crap lay as possible good marriage material as long as they treat her right! Which...lets face it, there is something intrinsically wrong with that way of thinking. All the decentness in the world cannot make someone who has two left feet into an award winning ballroom dancer! Not everyone gauges sex on the number of kamasutra positions that can be achieved, aint nothing wrong with good old fashioned vanilla sex, but if even that is judged by one of the participants as being "lacking" then the more likely issue is that the two participants are ill matched, plain and simple.


And, lets now think that the OP had no inkling about the guy, I mean, its not like he duped her:"I continued seeing him for another 2 months, and course of I was quite frustrated all this time. I could feel he was only using me for sex, but I thought I could turn out to be his girlfriend one day."


Note that last sentence. Basically, standards were lowered, and hence, eventual dissapointment was heightened!


And to answer OP's question - if a guy (or girl) sucks in bed, is it anything to do with their partner? Or is it just because of a lack of experience or simply being crap to begin with?


Well, if you ask him, he may (as you have guaged yourself) think he is awesome in bed. It could simply be a matter of the two of you not being meant for each other, or it could be that he has an overinflated estimation of his prowess, or likewise for yourself. Some people are born good at things, like running, race car driving and sex, but some need to learn. Either way, it seems to me that you have gotten distracted with the fact that he is a crap lay and you wonder if its your fault, when really you should be telling yourself that you should never settle for crap sex as being a good potential for marriage!

This is a major problem with the "hook-up" culture. Women sleeping with men for one purpose only. This is why marriage will buckle under the weight of predatory sex by women - no less. I was married once and it cost me a lot to get free of the contract. I'll never do it again - marriage that is. And if I want sex i just buy it. No worries!

I suppose it could actually end up being a more economical solution for your problems, indeed. I mean, if you consider the fact that many marriages end up with sex happening only on special occasions such as birthdays and christmas, paying for sex without the burden of the contract of marriage (and the cost of things if a divorce should ensue) could actually work out a lot cheaper...


I have a close friend of mine that married when he was 26 despite always saying he would never get married until he was 35. why?? Well, he met someone who was 4 years older (women hitting 30, the dreaded age where things get truly worrisome) and she made him feel like he was her best friend, gave him the best sex he had experienced in his young life, and before you know it, a year after dating, he married this woman.


Fast forward and the guy is now 30, got two quickie kids under his belt, his wife is a total b***** who hates his family and friends...and my friend is looking at a long future of sexless marriage if he is to have any chance of holding on to his money or his kids!


There is a lesson in that somewhere...but me thinks it has to do with the "wait till you are 35" rule...no harm in holding out to make sure...lol

chocmuffins


Clearly sex is significant to you... you don’t give it out to very man you meet, and when you do, you expect it’s accompanied by the progression of the relationship. A lot of women think like that. But some men don’t; for them it’s a physical thing, with few emotional consequences.


However, I don’t think this is about sex, or he's not into you. I think he’s just flakey. While you had an objective for your life, he did not. He is just coasting along. No intent to grab anything in life. Yes, he’s 33, but has no plans to settle down. A lot of generation x men are like this. google the peter pan syndrome.


This must be painful; treat this as a learning experience. Be happy you broke up before he ruined your life. Find a man with some plans for his life.


Good Luck,

Hi CaptDave, I agree with you totally, I have just read some interesting peter pan syndrome articles, and it appears he ticks all the boxes. Maybe I should consider myself lucky as I left him before my life is runied. Thanks heaps

Chocmuffins, i think there is a misconception that marriage and finding a husband is somehow eternal. You will need to make it your life goal to work at any relationship to make it last (marriage or otherwise). And most of all, you will need to find someone that will put in an equal amount of work into the relationship for it to last. Starting a relationship with someone where there were already problems would not have given you a fairy tale ending... it simply just would have been a waste of time, or a learning experience.


Also, you mentioned that you got played by him.. but it seems to me that the playing was from both sides. He was playing you to get what he wanted (sex), and you played him by accepting poor sex in order to get what you want.. a relationship and ultimately marriage. In the end, if either of you are not satisfied in some part of your relationship, you will end up searching for someone that will satisfy you.


At age 25 you should be in no hurry to find your life partner. And most of all, be careful in who you choose. Dont fall into the trap of accepting things in your relationship that you dont feel comfortable with, or that you know dont feel right. Take your time to get to know someone well, and before you begin to think about an everlasting relationship, make sure it feels right for both of you.

Here's a little joke to lighten things up :).......................................................... Before marriage....................................................................................... He: Yes. Finally. I can hardly wait................................................................... She: Would you want me to leave you alone?............................................................ He: Definitely No! Don't even think about it.......................................................... She: Do you love me?.................................................................................. He: Of course! All the time!.......................................................................... She: Will you cheat on me?............................................................................ He: The thought never crossed my mind! Why would you still ask me that?............................... She: Will you kiss me?................................................................................ He: That's what I think about every time I think of you............................................... She: Will you ever hit me?............................................................................ He: Of course not! Are you crazy?..................................................................... She: Can I trust you?................................................................................. He: Yes............................................................................................... She: Darling!......................................................................................... After marriage just read from bottom to top........................................................... Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two............................................ 1. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it is the beginning of something new ................. 2. No man or woman worth your tears will make you cry................................................. 3. Never frown, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile ........................ 4. Don't waste your time on a man/woman who isn't willing to waste their time on you.................. 5. Don't try so hard(look so hard), the best things come when you least expect them to............... .............. REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON

“is it all because I slept with him too early”, personally, I do not think so, there really isn’t any standard time frame for two people to end up in bed, sometimes it just happen and sometimes it won’t even happen. Actually, sleeping or having sex with somebody whom you already have a good feeling with, can act as a catalyst for a better understanding between two individuals, the feeling could either be closer or the opposite. In your case, sadly it obviously didn’t work out between you two. Love is a two way street, stop trying to find a reason for his action, move on and hopefully, you’ll find someone who is compatible to you in all aspects. BTW, do not make any assumption on any relationship, I found this “A man at 33 should be looking for marriage already” a bit naive..

NOT even once you mentioned feeling!!!!

What did u feel towards him ?.

Seem to me you missing the most important thing about relationship !

So stop labeling him and look at yourself .

All u wrote is about how he approached u and nothing about the bond (or the lack of it sound to me)between the two of you .

oh and by the way ...

being taken advantage of for sex is not a bad thing, just make sure you are the one who is taking advantage unless you like it the other way which is cool too , :)