Posted by
ihuff
19 yrs ago
Recently I have been dating a man (about 4mths) who has been separated from his wife for 18mths. He has only lived in Hong Kong since June 05. He brought out his exwife and 3 children here so he could still spend time with the children. They live in the expat house and he has small appt. HERES THE ISSUE: During the week we spend time btw his appt and mine BUT on weekends he stays at the family house in sep. Bedroom (not 100%sure, have not been there) as he promised the exwife when they came out he would look after children on the weekends. This means WE dont spend any weekends together maybe the odd one. I have not meet the children nor has he told the exwife he has a GF. He is waiting until she settles in HK until he tells her - worried that if she knows she will take children back to home country. I have suggested he sees the chilren on the weekend and comes back to his appt to sleep. Oh and at his appt he doesnt keep all his clothes or belongings, just the basics. My issue is: This is really bugging me, and what would u do in same circumstance. He will say he is in Love with me but his children are important to him. I feel I have been patient waiting 4mths but do you think I am asking too much too soon??? When we do spend time together he is really wonderful and caring but this whole exwife thing is not right and I feel like telling him to go away and come back when you sort your situation out and we can have a normal relationship.
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Ihuff, actually you already said it, but please make sure that you dont loose control in front of him.
Just propose the time apart till his case is settled to give you (both) peace in mind and emphasize that it's really bothering you and that you dont want to destroy something that you guys both have been developing in a calm way(relationship/romance....depends how you want to put it)
Good luck and take care!
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ihuff
19 yrs ago
Giggling Gal...You have put it correct, that is a good way to express it.
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ihuff
19 yrs ago
Pink Tulip...No I dont demand full attention from all. I also have children so I know whats involved. I have not issues at all with him spending time on weekends with the children. I dont understand why does he have to sleep over at the house from Friday night till Monday and holidays like xmas, new year etc etc. I dont know how to put it to him that yes children are important but also just as important is the parents happiness. His children are actually same age as mine, so they would have common interests.
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ihuff
19 yrs ago
Actually I am not living with my children. I have shared custody with my ex husband and no not divorced officially. I am not suggesting that all of a sudden tells the children and exwife "BTW I have GF". I think this would be too much for them to handle, but I am suggesting to gradually do this by spending the daytime over the weekend at the house with the children and come back to his appt once the kids have gone to sleep. He drives so only takes 2omins btw the house and his appt.
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Fleur
19 yrs ago
Are you sure he's telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Sorry, but I smell a rat here!
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ihuff
19 yrs ago
oops they are 10,8 and 5.
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ihuff
19 yrs ago
Fleur, this crosses my mind as well, but his work colleagues know of me and friends from his home country. He has no hesitation of taking me there for a holiday to meet them and his family.
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ihuff
19 yrs ago
Pink Tulip
You are so harsh...Point taken that was his plan and he didnt count on meeting "me". I didnt plan to meet "Him" either. I am not an unrealistic person counting on Marriage after 4 months, far from it but this is not an easy start to form a relationship. I actually suggested to him had he thought about going to some kind of counselling with his wife to see if the marriage couldnt be reconciled. According to him "it is over". All of his clothes, belongings are at the main house. He will bring what he needs to the appt for the time he is there.
I think the best solution is to give him the space and time to sort out his situation with adding the complications of forming a new relationship
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Over is probably over but the kids have to proabbly adjust in their new home and at school as well, and knowing all of this in so soon could be a shock especially at their age. Obviously he must say he is away during the week or something to his kids because presumably he does not see them during the week...
Four months is not long enough.....if he can introduce you to colleagues and friends is is not a sure indication. BUT family GENERALLY is.
Depends on you. I would give it 8 months to a year. Or if you can't accept it now, then you leave.
You are not divorced yet either.
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"would you be patient in this situation?"
> i can barely muster enough patience to even READ about your situation.
ihuff, please clarify your sentence: "I have shared custody with my ex husband and no not divorced officially." Are YOU divorced and HE (your bf) is not divorced, OR did you mean you yourself are not divorced?
now to answer your original questions:
"My issue is: This is really bugging me, and what would u do in same circumstance. He will say he is in Love with me but his children are important to him."
> i would end this relationship immediately, ***OR*** severely adjust your expectations of this relationship. he does not love you, he is IN love with you (well that's what he TELLS you), and he sleeps with you because you let him. he has told you very clearly his children are his priority, and that his greatest fear is losing them.
"I feel I have been patient waiting 4mths but do you think I am asking too much too soon???"
> you are not only asking too much, you are being totally unrealistic, and ignoring facts and realities that are in front of your face.
"I feel like telling him to go away and come back when you sort your situation out and we can have a normal relationship."
> this is the right thing to do and you should have done it from day 1.
now i am really going to be harsh here, so brace yourself, ihuff. he is not yet divorced, and he lives in limbo between two places: his children's and wife's home, and his own little apartment, where, as you say, he does not keep anything of importance, not even his clothes - and yes, those things of little importance include your trysts with him. also, here's a reality-check tip for you: until they are officially divorced, she is NOT yet his EX-wife. he is a married man, with responsibilities and obligations to his family.
speaking of which...observe: even though he is separated from his wife, he still keeps his promise to her to watch the kids over the weekend.
furthermore, you have ZERO right to tell him how to be a father, especially when your purpose is to get more booty-time with him, and not to really help him sort out his situation. you are in fact trying to reduce his time with his children so that you can have more of it, when you have been told in no uncertain terms that they are his top priority. "watching the kids over the weekend" means sleeping under the same roof as them, not sneaking out after they've fallen asleep to go bonk his little bit on the side.
have some self-respect and get out. if it's meant to work out he'll be back when his situation is properly sorted. otherwise, adjust your expectations waaaaaay downwards, and be satisfied with being his f*ckbuddy.
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Ihuff
It may or may not be over.
One thing I do know is that when a marriage/LTR dies, most people go through a number of 'healing' relationships. This is part of the healing process, some of these relationships are unsuitalbe, and unsutainable, each will be triggered and may help address a different need.
Be aware that you may be his first such relationship. It may be inmportant, but may not be destined to last.
I had a couple after my divorce, and I have been involved with someone else who was healing. None lasted.
Sorry I can't be cheery.
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ihuff
19 yrs ago
VOR:
I am sure there is a better way than calling it "booty time". You make it sound like we just get it on and there is nothing else to it. Far from it, actually he has asked me for advice regarding his situation. Its not about sneaking away and coming back to his appt. I was suggesting this as an option so everyone can adjust. The children know he has an appt and have been there and know that the parents are separated. He originally moved here without them but decided after 3mths here to bring them over.
I agree with Tigerbay that yes, it most probaly is a healing relationship and we all go this process.
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One fact that has been glossed over - he has not told his WIFE about you.
Now, he may feel the relationship is over but by omitting to inform her of your existence is a very bad sign. She may think there is every chance of reconciliation when in actual fact he is carrying on with somebody else.
You really only have his word about what happens during the weekends. For all you know, he may even be telling his wife that he is away on business during the week. Men do funny things sometimes.
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shaq
19 yrs ago
Tell her Pink Tulip......
IHUFF is only kidding herself. It shouldn't take a genius to back out from this kind of relationship. I believe IHUFF knows what to do, but to do it is the problem.
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ihuff
19 yrs ago
ok ok I have had the reality check. Pink Tulip, no need to keep adding more to what you have already have said.
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tia
19 yrs ago
WOW! As harsh as Pink Tulip may sound, I have to wholeheartedly agree. I dated a man who had primary custody of his 2 kids, was not officially divorced. His wife was WELL Out of the picture, but it did take him 3 months of 'dating' me to intro me to his kids. It took another 8-10 months (can't recall now) for the ex to find out about me.
It is true that a father will always place his kids first...even if it means an uncomfy situation such as spending the weekend with his ex. I know that my ex hated having to meet with the kids mum to do the exchange. I went with them once bc we were going on a short holiday afterwards and he made me hide from her. He was not ready to deal with her wrath over me...even though she was/is a very absentee mother.
If his kids are 10, 8 and 5, he was clearly with this woman for well over 11 years (I am guessing) and to assume that after a mere 18 months he is ready to move on, I doubt it.
And yes, a man who is living with his ex (be it on weekends only)...well, that is seriously fishy and I would not want to be around for it. You have to trust him, yes, but that is pushing the trust enevlope WAY TOO FAR.
Do the kids know about you? Even if they have not met you....
Yes, you should walk away now, before things develop too much further and you find yourself getting sucked in and hurt worse. If he is serious, he will sort it out and come back. Dating emotionally unavailable men is a sure-fire recipe for heartache. Trust me on this. I gave 2 years of my life to The Dad and I know now that I should have left after the first year. It still hurts.
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Very good and reasoned advice from Tia. In the long-run you will save yourself a lot of heartache if you walk away now
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tia
19 yrs ago
Thanks. If I only knew then what I know now....
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Ditto, and if I only knew then what I knew now....hmmm! It was not too many moons ago, BUT it still hurts.
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This man is LIVING WITH HIS WIFE.
She is NOT his exwife.
She is the mother of his children, and he is married to her.
SHE may know about the apt, too-- "Oh, the Company gives me this place, and I leave some stuff there in case I need to change between work and a dinner meeting."
This relationship for him is:
a) a rebound "healing" relationship [as has been stated] ~or~
b) a transition from one woman to another --with the security of having both simultaneously ~or~
c) Asian playground time
Run, Forest, RUN!!!
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I know writing this I am going to get all the "I told you so" BUT you are all correct. Over the weekend I cooled it off as in told him to take the time to sort out what he wants to do. Last night I worked back late and decided to sleep over at his place (I have a key) so I arrive around 9:30pm and was about to start to tidy up when I realised the picts of me were missing and other items had been hidden so then I realised he was out on a DATE! He arrived back 30mins later and became a crying mess. He knew what he had done. His Reason: He has a fear of being alone as I wasnt going to see him for a while.
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ihuff
19 yrs ago
He was out on a date - he didnt bring her back but they met before going out. You are correct think he is a mess and best to Back out it.
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ihuff
19 yrs ago
Obviously I was his mistress not anymore.
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bwitched32 /ihuff
Please be assured that you have made an excellent decision to "cool off" things with this gentleman [?]
Let's all be glad we aren't in the shoes of the "ex"wife!!! She has children, a home, and possibly VISA/residency legalities with this man!!
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bwitched32/ihuff:
My compliments on your sensibilites, although they came from some heartache.
I do have something I'd like to add: what struck me is when you relayed that he went out on a date because "of his fear of being alone because you were not going to see him for a while."
My guess is, his marriage is probably over and that he decided to bring his family over BECAUSE he was afraid of being alone. And then... he met you...and he was no longer alone; you became the perfect distraction from his painful separation.
Some men (some people) are that afraid of being alone with themselves; yet without that time alone after a breakup, they do not have the necessary space to process what occured and therefore end up taking all that baggage into their next relationship (the same occurs when one avoids dealing with their painful & uncomfortable feelings).
ihuff - as strange as this may sound, I sense what he did was not personal (going on a date) and has no reflection upon you. It says a great deal about his sense of maturity, however. He has yet to learn to be alone and to deal with his feelings.
Until he can do so, you are better off with your own space to process your own feelings. Once he deals with what's staring at him in the face, he will be ready for a relationship and if he then approaches you, you will be in a clear place to decide whether you're still available!
My sense is you truly were not his mistress, ihuff - just a distraction so he could avoid dealing with his pain. I know his behaviour caused you heartache - I just truly believe that that was out of his ignorance (not that he should be excused!).
Go on with your life, dear spirit - if he returns and you are willing, it was meant to be. If he does not, he provided you with an opportunity to express compassion and to grow. Either way, whether or not you can see at this time, you've ended up a winner.
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