Very frustrated - Need advices

I cannot discuss this with anybody I know mostly because of 'face'. Hope some of you people here can enlighten me. My wife knows about the fact but does not know how I feel.


I was born rich and have never work a single day in my lifetime. We have 2 teenage children and my wife & I have a wonderful relationship & good communication thoughtout our marriage. The problem is I lost 90% of my 'assets' recently, but I will not go into that in details. I have a house, 5 cars and they are all paid for so I am not in any immediate financial difficulty. My wife offers to pay the children's university's tuition with her wages and it's quite substantial. We discussed & agreed that we should maintain our lifestyle.


My remaining 10% can last a few more years. I used to be very generous and a good provider to my family, relatives & friends but I guess I need to change that now. I couldn't sleep lately as I have a lot of thinking to do:

Should I find work? No experience= low salary so not much use trying to contribute to the family, especially when my wife is earning so much.

Investment? Scare so guess not.


OK, so my wife is willing & can pay for everything. At the time when I had money, when my wife paid for something, I wouldn't feel so self-concious but I think I will feel embarrass everytime she pays in the future. I couldn't bear the day when I run out of money and she offers to give me my 'pocket-money'. What should I do!! What could I do? Shouldn't I not feel this way?

Note: I know I am thinking too much but I am afraid eventually my wife will look down on me and do not love me as before.

What will the children think when they find out that it's their mother and not their dad who is footing the bill to their education.

So you have not worked a single day in your life and you are afraid your wife and children will look down on you if your money runs out.

Are you implying your wife and your children only respect you for your money?

Do you believe money is the only foundation for your marriage and family?

If so, maybe you shall look into yourself to find what is your value towards life first.

Personally, I don't believe your story.

flashback,

Thanks for the encouragement - but my capital is quite slim now and I have no experience, I'm ashamed to say, therefore it's quite difficult for me to venture into any kind of business.


The 10% remaining cash, if I don't spend it like I used to will last for quite awhile. I can even sell 3 of my 5 cars as they are just lying around. It's just the rotten feeling of sliding down the ladder of not able to be the main source of providing for the family that is eating me out.

I believe and know quite a number of local men, young & old who doesn't work but just play the share's market and make a very good living years after years. Some of them played double-safe and just invest in properties and rent them out. Well, I assume that in your case, you were unlucky.


You have provided sufficiently to your family in the past so now it's your wife's turn therefore you needn't feel too embarrass about that as nowadays, couples always chip in to form a family, given the high living standard in HK.


You are lucky you don't have to pay rent, that's a plus and a contribution on your part but I think you have to fix up something for yourself and not waste your life away. Heard there are such things as stay-at-home-dads but I guess it couldn't apply to you anymore as your kids are in their teens and maybe off to universities soon. Try to study and get a license to a product you can sell - that way, you may earn some extra cash and get the respect from your wife and children you dearly long for. Even if you are not successful, at least they know you've try and as Flashback said: This may be a great opportunity for you to discover who you really are. NOW, here's your chance!

Burnt, Sorry for quick to judge. I take back what I wrote. (People like me, who am in a small circle, sometimes it is hard to see the difficulty of people who fell from a large circle to a smaller circle even though it is still a large one to me.)

I guess these things happened quite a lot these days. Often I wonder what we think happiness is about. Is it how much stuff we own or how much freedom we enjoy by having more money than people around us? I have a good friend told me how he was the luckiest man in the world even though his business failed and he had to move to another country to start all over again. He wanted his wife and kids to stay where they were to maintain their live standard until he made something out of his new environment. But his wife disagreed. She said: “I certainly enjoyed the time when we had five course meals in five start restaurants. But now if we can only afford one hamburger from McDonough’s, I would love to be there to share that hamburger with you.” He cried when he told me that, out of happiness. Lots of times, the happiest moment in our lives are the ones getting through hardship—together with your love ones.

You mentioned you concern about losing face to your kids since the money is not there anymore. Well, maybe it is good time to show them how to make something out of life since they are not born to be rich any more. The value is how hard you have shown them you have tried, right? I always believe in the future, simply because it doesn’t exist yet. Every moment is the new beginning of the rest our lives. Many people have done it, like the world renowned architect Louis Kahn didn’t start his career until in his 40’s. Find something you always like to do and devote yourself into it. Money will always follow.

Burnt, I understand you must feel very difficult and indeed 'frustrated' but keep up the spirit. Wherever you come from, your position is not so bad and you now have a unique chance in your life to make a big decision: Either you give up, and your life and the life of your family will go downhill, or you take stake of where you stand and then continue building your own life and the life of your family to get better from here.


A few things i say below will be a bit harsh, but please bear with me as I mean them in good spirit to provide my very personal advice.


Here's my take on where you stand:

- You have discussed your situation with your wife and she seems generally supportive. Remember you are a family so it’s as much her situation as it is yours. If she cares for her family, she will continue to support you.

- You have no work experience, but you certainly have good connections and the ability to call in a few favors from people that you have helped before

- You certainly have done something all these years and not played golf every day. Did you manage your own assets? Did you analyze stock markets? Did you advise people who managed companies that you have invested in? Etc. -> you have done something every day of your life! People with connections or ‘general skills’ tend to be good headhunters, company advisors (for free or for charge), rain makers, consultants, fund raisers for charity, etc. You need a professional coach to work through with you on what you have in terms of (work) experience that you can build on. I know such a person, so PM me if you want that contact.


Here's your issues (in my humble opinion):

- Face: This seems to be a big issue and you need to get rid of it quickly as it will block you from making good decisions. People will find out about your situation anyway so you better be upfront about it.

- Emotional stability: You are in a better position (still!) than many other people. If you are emotionally stable, you will make good decisions and continue to build your family from here onwards. You have to keep yourself emotionally balanced and optimistic, and the person to help you best is your wife. Heck, that’s why people get married!

- Money: You define your life through money, my friend. How much you had in the past, how you your wife earns, who pays what, who supports who, and so on. Not a good idea in my view. The reason you feel self-conscious, etc is because as of today you still define your live through money. Stop that immediately. Your life is not about money, it’s about being happy, make other people happy, love, being loved and many other things. Money plays a part in this, but only a part and not the purpose of life.


Here’s what you must do (in my humble opinion):

- Be humble about where you stand and immediately stop pretending you are rich (or insanely rich) if you are not that rich anymore

- Talk to your wife and share your feelings (must must must). This requires courage but is the key to your future. If you cannot properly talk to your wife, then your marriage and your communication is not as good as you thought and she might only have been with you for your money (and not for love). If she is a true wife that loves you, she probably already knows that you might feel bad and worries if you do NOT talk about it with her.

- Get a job!!! Whatever it is, get a damn job :) I mean this nicely :) Not for earning money and contribute to the family, but to stay sane. Work is great to find satisfaction – some get it from earning money in it, some get it from doing good things, some get it from meeting people during work, some do charity work. Get a job that you like or could like, and you will find satisfaction and stay sane.

- Last but not least: Do proper and mature money management as a family like every other couple does. Your and your wife’s money is ONE POT and should be managed that way. Get a joint account, make money decisions together (about your investments and her earnings), draw your money from this account (pocket money or not), pay your kids from this account and do it all together. This is what most normal people in equal relationships do, so no reason you cannot do it (except maybe that your wife might feel a bit weird that you only do this now when your situation does not look that good anymore – but hey, if you talk to her (see above) and she loves you, she will probably like your new attitude herself.


Hey it's crunch time in your life now so it's normal to think a lot. Talk to your wife and give your life a whole new purpose.


Cheers and good luck

I am in my early 40s and have never given too much thought about my life until recently. Things I took for granted before weight heavy & unfulfilled now. I need to absorb all the advices given as there could be some complications and I truly thank you all for your valuable inputs.


To the wives: Would you respect your husband if he stay at home while you work to support the family?

To the husbands: Are you willing to be a stay-at-home dad while your wife works to support the family?

burnt, to answer your question:


i already discussed this scenario with my wife (mainly because i work in finance ;-) but also out of principle).


we agreed that in our relationship I would be looking for a more stable corporate job (solid career -> but will never be rich) while she is taking more risk (her own business -> with big potential).


if she makes it big, i will quit my job and help her plus also focus on the family/kids at home.

Burnt,


If you your wife is sticking by you, you probably are in a better position than most people. You may or may not have ever wondered if your wife would have married you if you weren't rich - and now you know!


Better still, she is is wanting to work with you to keep the family stable and on track, and has a reasonably well paid job.


Further, besides lifestyle expenses, you probably don't have too many financial problems (except for the lack of lots of spare cash, but most people don;t have that).


This may sound harsh, but welcome to REAL LIFE! It will make you or break you, but it sounds like it will make you (if we were to bet on it).


As said above, you would have plenty of "know how" skills and you would have worked in your life, just not formally as an employee, that's all. Now you have to work out what on earth you are going to do!


Forget the "respect" thing about where the cash comes from etc. This will be hard for you as all your life it will have been about money, the people you socialise with etc.


Consider this a "cleansing" part of your life - you know your wife is genuine but now you will find out who your real friends are once they know.


This is really just a thought, but it it would seem psychologially this is going to be very very difficult. When normal people lose their jobs/homes etc they can suffer from depression, especially if they can't get another job - their self esteem is gone.


It sounds, however, that you acknolwedge that you were merely born rich, and know that you had no contribution to at least what you have inherited. Also, you sound humble enough ask other people's opinions, so you probably are not living in a deluded state of self importance which may in your situation would.


However, as time passes, this may get you down quite a lot. You should really consider some professional help/support through this, as even when you re-stabilise, it sounds like your whole life, expectations and thoughts for the future of your family will be much different. Don't be afraid or too proud (which it sounds like you are not) to seek professional assistance .

theirs always ways to make money but dont wait till your broke. its about research, i know its a scary thought but look at the alt. your lucky to realize this now so you can do something. when you think investment dont try to get rich at once, be real and start to build step by step. get started now

I am surprised you didn't use your money for an education, or did you get one? A degree to help you get a job, make you more marketable. And you said you still have a substantial amount of money that will last you many more years. Then get off you a** and get to college. You have a lot to learn as you haven't given your life much thought until recently, so you stated.

burnt,


go get a job, it s about time u work. about ur kids, guess u wont have nothing left for them, if they are old enough, they too can get a job.

this is going to sound trite, but it's true -


If your wife truly loves you, she will support you, and will still respect you.

If you wife only cared for your money, she's going to leave, and you're better off without her.


You will find out soon.

Your money or your life


http://www.yourmoneyoryourlife.org/

I also agree with flashback that there is much more to a marriage or partnership than just financial contribution. My husband will probably never be the main breadwinner in our home but I am happy with that. I respect him for his other qualities and he is a great father. There are many ways to contribute to a relationship, including love and support for your wife's endavours. I think you should communicate with your wife and see what she things is best for your relationships. It is very possible she will have a strong view about what your role should be going foward. Remember, the important thing is to do it together and come to an agreement about your mutual roles.