Posted by
Anya_L
18 yrs ago
hi...am seeing an expat guy. he is everything that i'm looking for in a MAN. not becoz he is an expat. but becoz his personality.
He is a succesfull Man in his career.
The thing is. i want him to be proud of me. and not feel that i am taking advantage of him.
(Ya'all know, the expats perceptions sometimes about asian woman. and how some asian woman....ya all know that.)
but i am not success in my career, and we had a rough start (unfortunately).
I felt insecure sometimes, and felt sooo Misfit with his expat friends.
When it comes to this thing... myself confidence just gone...
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Not everyone wants to date a successful high flying career woman. That comes with it's own
drawbacks!!
But at the same time both men and women these days perceive women with careers to be more sexy!!
That is where your insecurity stems from, my dear. But your bf could be different... and love him for being different... unique.
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Darling, just be yourself...because if he already introduced you to his friends, it only shows he likes/love you for who you are (flaws and imperfections included) and he already IS proud of you. Don't try to be a person you're really not because you risk giving an impression of a "hard sell" Maybe it's your simplicity and humble nature that attracted him to you.
If you want to learn more and for your own personal development, take up a hobby, enroll in a class, have a life as an independent woman and yet be attentive of your relationship and of your Man. It's all in making a balance. But do this not only to impress your guy but more for your own self-improvement. It may even have a positive result in your career.
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I think you are too conscious about yourself being asian, he is expat, he is successful (and probably his social group) ... in short, besides you are not successful in your career, you are either too young or not exposed enough with foreign culture to feel inferior and hence insecure.
Break these down into a few different aspects : you are attracted to successful MAN and you aspire to be successful. You are not familiar with foreign culture and you want to be accepted. You like this guy and you are afraid of losing him; all showed you are lack of self confidence.
I dont know about this guy - but if you want a lasting good relationship, successful is not the major factor. I hope he has other good qualities as a boyfriend.
Same important is if you really understand what is his expectation on this relationship. There are guys who are not bothered for a LT relationship. There are guys who dont care if you are successful or get along with his friends. Does he enjoy you being who you are now ?
For removing inferior or insecure feelings : turn yourself into a charming person, like the others said, by enriching your knowledge. Study, work, reach out, learn about various culture. It's not something overnight. And negative comparisons with others will not take you there.
I am sure if you have the determination you will be able to make it - it is more important you are proud of yourself, by then you wont care if your partner is proud of you or not.
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I know this might sound cliched-but be yourself. Your confidence cannot come out of something that is not real or doesn't exist.
You dont have to speak with a fake foreign accent. While someone has suggested that you improve your English, do it for yourself first, and only if you want to.
If he liked you in spite of your lack of successful career and the way you speak I dont see why you have to make youself into someone else. Do you want to turn him off?
If he liked a successful careerwoman with posh accent and high flying lifestyle he would have gone for her by now.
Another thing you need to drop-stop looking at him like an 'expat'. He is a regular human being and the way you are to him, and he is to you, should be no different than any other guy you've dated in the past.
I agree with the suggestion of being involved in enriching youself, have a life, your own circle of friends, take up interesting hobbies to fill your time, love nature, art, movies, whatever it is that tickle your fancy. Dont make your relationship/your man your way of life and religion. He'd find it rather 1 dimensional and boring in the end.
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Balzac is right.
I guess at the end of the day you don't want to try to hard to pretend to be someone you're not. If he's got problems with some aspects of you, he has to deal with it or accept it if he loves you. I guess same for you..
Hope this doesn't sound racist but why does it have to be that the pairing of an Asian man/woman with Expat woman/man seems to be unequal? (Esp. the latter).
At the end of the day, if he thinks he's superior to you & embarrased when you're around his circles, then I think he's got to be the one to really sort himself out first.
And if both of you are serious about each other, who cares what others think!
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From my experience, if one has to try toooo hard to please the other party, this relationship won't last for too long!
I once dated a super high-flyer:). I had to dress up to go for work functions with him 3-4 times a week. When I was new in HK, this kind of lifestyle was kinda fun due to the novelty factor. We don't use evening-dress too frequently back in NZ.
But 3 months down the track, I knew this lifestyle wouldn't work for me. We had an open conversation and he agreed that we two wanted different things!
Advice to Anya: enjoy your gf for as long as you can. When you don't feel comfortable any more, move on.
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Hi all, Thanks very much. realyy appreciate it.
Easygoing : you are right. his social group full with succesful people. and yes i'm much younger than him.
and yes !! some of you said i should take some classes stuff. Yupe, already did. pick up some languange courses, guitar, baking, sports.
One of you said. I have my own friends circle... and yes.. i have.. believe it or not.. he chooses which one i should be friend with. ( and we sometimes had a fight over this >>>>> i made it sounds bad. well most of my friends are men.. less ladies..
and i totally agreee with some of you saying i shouldnt change myself for him. but rather for myself. ( but you knw sometimes i made some changes for him coz i thought if we're in relationship we have to compromised)
naima : Nagger.. i used to.. thats becoz i felt this insecurity. I am not a nagger.. but i dont knw why. when i started seeing him.. i changed completely to possessive,annoying, immature, jealous kind of person. (men would said i'm a psycho.) it just brings up all the worst thing in me. and i never new i could be this kind of woman.
he travels, he thought i probably went out with other man if he is not around .( which is why, nowadays he doesnt tell me if he is away or not)and if on weekends i want to see him, he then will tell me he is in other country.. ( make me feel wary sometimes if he is seeing other woman or really on biz trip).
wat do u all thinK?. am i think to much? its really confusing me...
naima : stop worrying when there's nothing to worry about........am trying here.....really hard.. it just pop up in my head sometimes.
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It doesn't sound right to me; in particular, if you feel that he has actually brought out the worst of you. A suitable partner should bring out the best of you.
Let's wait and see how other ladies feel about this.
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well- I am rather surprised at your revelation. This sounds like a totally different story now.
You said you are with him because of his personality. But from your recent post, one can detect a lot of frustration and perhaps unacknowledged resentment over how he's been treating you.
Sorry-but I think it's really unthinkable that your boyfriend (expat, high flier or not) can go to another country and not have the courtesy to let you know beforehand.
I've dated a so called high flier, dominant alpha male sort of guy in the past, drives a fast luxury car, lives in a fancy apartment, travels often and has other high flying friends.
The whole experience sucked because I found him to be very controlling and domineering. In the beginning it might seem like a novelty..but after a while..
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balzac -- yes i'm with him becoz of his personality...I know he has it. i've seen it.
---->>Sorry-but I think it's really unthinkable that your boyfriend (expat, high flier or not) can go to another country and not have the courtesy to let you know beforehand.___> yeah, i've thought about it too.
goldenleaves ; How exactly does he make you feel? Do you feel cared for, loved, encouraged and appreciated? Or do you feel judged, restricted and controlled? --sometimes i felt both being loved and controlled, cared for and restricted, encouraged and judged.
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Or maybe.. I'm just too sensitive...?? I dont knw...
my friends( the Boys) they understand if i dont meet up with them as often as we used to.. they told me that they understand why he did tht. is a man thing.
thanks all...really appreciate it..
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Any man that makes you feel restricted and judged is just not good! If my boyfriend stopped me seeing my male friends, there'd be no end of trouble! Trust is the foundation to a strong relationship! Without trust, what have you got?
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Are you holding on to this 'relationship' just because you think he's the 'best' thing that ever happened to you? (i.e expat- high flier)
Well don't because you deserve more than just that. You need somone who respects you as a person, as a girlfriend and treats you well. Don't be blinded by superficial aspects.
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Well I'll try to be more CONFIDENCE, after all i loved him.
maybe if i dont show my sense of insecurity to him.he wont felt insecure as well. ( I Just read a phrase saying : Life is like a mirror, it never gives back more than it gets)
I just realized that when it comes to insecurity.. we're all need some assurance. i need it and he needs it too.
well i'll be the best that i can be.not only for him but for myself....thank you so much all!!!
Thank you for the advised, the pros and cons.
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and balzac... am holding to him becoz he is a high flier.. or expat.
if i only hold into material or status as an expat or high flier Gf... there are plenty of men who are more willing to offer me those material and status....( he knows that)
i saw a good a quality of man in him...
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what is a quality of man for you aijin...?
we're women tend to say our cinderellie, prince charming stereotype kind of quality man. ( pardon my english) But the fact is ,it always comes with flaws..thats y we have to see the overall.
Maybe if i give him more assurance that i wont leave him, that i cared for him only ,he'll be much calmer, not very controlling and would ease his insecurity.and mine would *puff*** in the air,2.
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