Posted by
Waputz
15 yrs ago
My 15 years of marriage is about to end because of my In-laws (3 big brothers/2sisters/dad/mom) are still attached to my wife. We got 2 pretty kids 8 and 13 yrs of age. I ask my wife to let her folks live their lives by themselves and not to spoon feed them, coz it will only make them lazy, otherwise we will have to leave her. My wife works and earns less than half of what I earn.
Sending them money and everything has been happening since we got married. I told my wife that it is ok to help them but did not expect to be this long. This is no longer help to me.
Unfortunately, she choses to spoon feed them. Shall we leave her?
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You obviously can afford this. If so overlook this for the sake of your kids..after 15 years of in laws pain - what is a few more years??? I am sure her parents would be passing on soon - insensitively putting this; Hence once they are out of the way you can wean her off the UN registers as helping the siblings are not as important as the parents.
To begin with ask her to desist from helping the siblings and only do here obligations to her parents - using the teaching them to fish analogy....
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I'm in a similar situation and found the best solution was to come up with a maximum agreed amount that can be past over to the in-laws each month. It's very annoying to see your hard earned money being given to people you probably don't even like. I know (if you're like me) you'd rather spend the money on just about anything else (your own kids for example) the dreaded mother in law.
Come to an agreement with your wife and write it down. Selfish, lazy money grabbing in-laws shouldn’t be the reason you get divorced (though they are a great reason to not get married in the first place)
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Fortunately I was culturally insensitive when I married my HK wife (I'd just arrived in HK). I said I no intention of paying this reverse dowry as we have social security in HK. Haven't paid a penny since. Brits abroad eh?
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Oink
15 yrs ago
Cara - yes, money is one of my concern. Coz my children will be needing them for their future and our future too. But if most of it goes to my In-laws and none to my kids, well I guess that is very unfair...remember, this has been going on since 1993. What year are we now? 2010....still not enough help? I agreed with my wife to help them for some time but did not agree on as long as they are living...By the way I am Asian too same with my wife...Thanks for your concern..I do love my wife still but I get no more respect from her anymore....could not control her and even doubts me constantly....I have no other women...but now starts to think of it..honestly...
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Oink
15 yrs ago
Fliedice - thanks...I like that idea...Actually I did that already say about five years ago...my wife agreed but after 6 months, here we go again......
I can afford before, coz I have no mortgage, but now, I got 2 kids and a mortgage and plans for my family...
But the thing is, my in-laws became so Lazy and choosy when it comes to jobs. They rather stay at home instead of earning hard for themselves..I made them so lazy coz they know they can survive even if they just sit their ass....
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Oink
15 yrs ago
Dear Gill2008 - I agree with you..but I gave it a shot already....it did work though, but did not last that long....It started when I won a lottery(not that much)...that I spent I think half of it to my in-laws and quarter for my kids wife and quarter for saving...Amazingly, the wife thought I've kept alot so, here we go again..sending them too much support...Thanks anyway.
I still love my wife, but that is not the only issue, that's just one. If you can see my reply to Cara and Fliedice, you might get a hint..She does not listen to me, no respect, always jealous of other women, even to my friends's wives, Actresses that I admire, almost every women that I talk with....I did try to do the things she wanted me to, but my friends starts to get aloof and they looked at me totally different..
Now I started missing gatherings, opportunites...It's just too much...
But anyway, still hoping for her to change so we could stay. I don't want my kids to grow without their Mom. She is a good Mother to them you know and a Good wife but not a good listener.....
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Oink
15 yrs ago
Hi Rainbow 1980 - Well, when she was my Girlfriend during college, I loved her and told her that I will grow old with her with kids...that is the reason why it took me that long to almost give her up. I have not given her up coz I still have hope. Especially with all your suggestions......but I did not expect on tagging along her folks...
Normally, you get married, you live your lives to the fullest without givng too much problem to your folks and vice-versa...but, it did not happen that way to me..All the burden are on my side...
But you are right. We did had an agreement to help them before we got married.. but did not realized it took that long...Now they don't want to stand alone, they always needed us but they are bigger than I am (built), younger and fit to work...
I gave them a store so they could manage but, it is a failure coz they do not have discipline. They take the money so they could buy luxury things..then the store has to close coz I could not afford to give them anymore ...oh by the way, I also pay for the rent of the shop..Now all the money we put for the shop is gone. I reminded them that that was the last time and that they should learn how to earn money, but it is still a failure...
Right now, I am not in good terms with my wife, I am still waiting for her answer. I talked to her nicely, As you suggested, I ask her to think about what I said and tell me when she's ready..now I await...
I am not looking to marry someone again coz I agree with you, it will only get worst. Maybe just fling will do....
Oh, one more thing, they just bought a house and lot 2 years ago. Now my wife has to pitch in too.........my goodness!!!
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Oink
15 yrs ago
dannyboy77 - AMEN to that!!!! I've done that!...I will try to do it again..and make sure it will last........I even feel angrier whenever I started realizing that they are the cause of our split-up...But I will not let them win......
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Im western and married to an asian and my wife works and from her earnings supports her parents and siblings. Unfortunately, she has three ( yes three!) dysfunctional brothers. My wife and her two sisters (both married too) support them. I had known this from the beginning but that didn't stop the resentment comng in later. So I know exactly how you feel. We had a long talk about this, emotional too, and in the end, agreed that the 3 dysfunctional siblings had to be given the clear picture that once the parents passed away, no help whatsoever would come their way. They had to learn to fend for themselves. Took a while but all three are now working. Of course, due to lack of experience, they dont have high paying jobs but its a start. I can understand how a son/daughter cannot be happy living a comfortable life while his/her parents are living in squalor so I don't really mind her helping out her parents or supporting them. They are too old to work and are both sick. I just resented helping out three grown up men ( one is even my age) who are strong and able to work.
Try to talk to her again. If you feel the same as I did, then make it clear to her that supporting her old parents are not a problem. However it is not right to support 5 siblings who are more than capable of fending for themselves.
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Lets's look at another scenario - would you still complaint if your wife works and support all those she needs to (or wants to), including you? Lots of Asians are doing that and right before our eyes are the FDH. That's the Asian culture - not that there is a right or wrong in it. How about the stay-at-home dads originated from the West? Do they feel quilty for not providing financially to their own families? When you marry, you should expect to give and take to blend in your spouse's up-bringing. Of course, there are always rooms for discussion to bring some unreasonable situations to agreeable solutions if the communication is good.
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mike204,
You do understand the situation and I admire you for taking in the 'no problem' attitude regarding your wife's duty towards her parents. I agree with you totally about the siblings. They are lazy and spoilt and are taking advantages of their two sisters' added kind responsiblities.
OP
Even if you get your wife to listen to you, she would never be happy and will feel guilty all through her life until her parents are dead. Think about it - it's her hard earned money too!
Aren't you a bit harsh to threaten to leave her because she needs to do her duty. Well at least that's what she thinks she's got to do.
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I think Waputz/Oink is a Filipino and what you are telling us is a kind of Filipino attitude especially when you both working abroad. Am I right? Cheers....
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merm
15 yrs ago
To throw all cultures and customs one can find in asia into the asian basket is ignorant. People and things are done very differently in northeast asia - HK, China, Korea, Mongolia, Japan and southeast asian countries which have little in common with India, Nepal and Bhutan and then there are all the stans in central asia.
Just look at Hong Kong Island and Kowloon, which are just 1 km apart, are like two countries.
So where is the couple from?
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Neffy
15 yrs ago
I agree with Waputz, you married into another culture and now you're trying to escape it. I think you're falling out of love with her and are using her close relationship with her family as the scapegoat. Now your asking a bunch of strangers what you should do after 15 years of marriage when you already know what you wanna do. I think you just need to be real with yourself and her. Stop trying to make her feel guilty about her closeness with her family and just tell her the truth. Seek counseling, 15 years is a long time to just call it quits.
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Breaking down the cultural divide, I'm a British woman married to a local man. I had to support my brother out here for a year before I realised it was detrimental to my marriage. Like you, I have kids to support, feed, get through school and uni, something had to give, and I was damn sure it wasn't going to be my marriage!!
I took the soft way out and passed the buck. Now my parents are having to deal with the lazy S.O.B and it's not my problem any more. Do I feel guilty? Sometimes, but in the long run, if they're healthy, it's time for them to stand on their own two feet.......
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neffy, you might have noticed that the OP and his wife are from the same cultural background
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Oink
15 yrs ago
Mike, thanks for the clear picture. Actually, the same with you, I just did not like the idea of supporting people who can support themselves. They are all bigger than I am, younger and even stronger(physically). They just got used to have someone to depend on too much. Helping her parents is not a problem to me, but not too much. Too much goes like this....Christmas, we(my family) always go home to visit our folks...first, She has to send money before Christmas day comes, so they could feast during that day having food all over, then there's this Gifts for all of them, then there's this that we have to go out of town or shopping so they could have new clothes or shoes or wallet etc...then there's this money giving coz it's Christmas, then there's this visiting cousins that we have to give too coz they too are less fortunate and it would be sad if they go home empty handed.....Then it's my turn, with a little money left....then again, there's this coming birthday and the last birthdays that we have to make sure we remembered and that I have to you know.....give again....that happens only in two weeks time.....remember, my wife and I still have not went out to a date or my family to a date...There's just too much to telll............
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Oink
15 yrs ago
Thanks viper, matrix, neffy, blue iris, and cookie........and to all the rest. Afterall those comments, it did gave me a positive idea..It's always been good to hear all sides, good and bad...it will really make you think wisely, if not, still, the word "THINK" is there. And this is what I thought.......... I THOUGHT I SHOULD STAY WITH MY WIFE FOR I LOVE MY KIDS SO MUCH, MY WIFE STILL(hope it grows), AND TELL MYSELF, THAT I AM JUST THE BLESSING THAT CAME TO MY WIFE'S FAMILY...........of course. I will still talk to my wife about the issue and never raise the issue on leaving her....just wish me "LUCK"!...........
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well, most Asian cultures are collectivist, so the useless relatives expect to sponge off the productive ones, driven by a sense of obligation to the family.
In my case, (a fat white man driving a Bentley) I get this too, but I have managed to turn this my advantage, by getting these relatives to run errands, baby-sit, etc. for myself and my wife. You need to realize that these obligations cut both ways, and you can make them work to your advantage also. Hope that helps you make peace with the situation.
Good Luck !
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Oink
15 yrs ago
Thanks CaptDave - Yes I do that too..coz that's another way to get even with them...
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We Chinese say, " Love the house and also the crow which lives in it ! "
But it is not easy of course !!!
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