Your thoughts please?

Hi guys


I'd be grateful for some advice please. I came to HK about 4 months ago to be with my fiance. I have left my old career (which I was happy to do) and started to do some part-time work in something new. It's slow to take off but that's to be expected. I already have a small circle of good friends here. So I have a lot to be grateful for.


The problem is that my fiance and I seem to fight an awful lot about how we relate to each other. I need more affection and support and he needs a lot of support but also a lot of space. The bickering comes in cycles and we seem unable to break them. He has been through a lot in the last year or so and I want to be there to support him through it all - but I have also been through a fair amount and seem to struggle to keep things pulled together.


We're due to marry in a few months - a huge wedding is being organised. For the first time in my life, I've never wanted to be with anyone else. Yet, I now wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Neither of us wants to be in a relationship full of nagging or sniping. I don't want to lose him but I also don't want to condemn us to a life of misery. So advice please? I'm not asking for solutions or decisions for me ;) I just feel like I've lost perspective and I could do with some fresh views. Is this what most relationships are like?


Thank you

Ever considered a marriage preparation course? It's usually organised by Catholic churches but I think there're non religious ones around too. Basically it's a 2-3 day camp for couples. During the camp, the different aspects of a relationship that are important for building a life together are highlighted and each couple talk through each segment, to see if their goals and expectations are aligned. A few of my friends have attended such camps and gone away with a greater understanding of their relationship, what they need to work at, more realistic expectations of each other etc. But a few couples have also broken up after this course after realising they're incompatible. Well worth a shot in my opinion, if you're unsure.

Postpone the wedding !!!! So it gives you more time to see if you really want to get married. How can you make such an important decision now if you're arguing all the time ? That is not a good sign ! So better postpone it and take some more time to see where you both stand.

Good luck !

Sounds to me like you are going through a transitioning time, getting adjusted to a new world and a brand new life. I think you could use some time for yourself to pull things together and build the foundation for your new life here, for your own good, also for the sake of your relationship/forthcoming marriage. Because no matter what, if you life is solely centered around the marriage, it's quite unhealthy. I'd suggest postponing the wedding, coz it sounds like both of you are too distracted to enter marriage at this point. Things with his life/career and yours won't stay the same, maybe things will change for better from now on, given abundant efforts and support from the other's side. And when both of you are in a happier state in life, can focus and work on the relationship more, hofully your concerns posted here will no longer be holding you back.

Hi dazed...you're asking if most relationships are full of nagging and sniping and misery?


um...yeah, the bad ones are! haven't heard a lot of wedding vows sayin 'I promise to nag, snipe and make you miserable, until death does us part...' lol!


i've never been married but I'm assuming it ain't the norm there either...or maybe it is...for the percentage that end in divorce?


you don't wanna hear solutions but ...'s sounds :)

Hi Dazed.. You have just had a lot of changes in your life and this one being a big one is making you question. Its normal. I would NOT postpone the wedding at all. Thats crazy- just because you fight over how much affection to show. You still have a few months to sort your feelings out- give them some room to understand them a bit deeper. They might turn out to be temporary! Bickering happens in married life, you just can't let it take over good things you share together.


Right before I got married, I was moving apartments, selling my car, working 12 hours days straight for 4 weeks with one free weekend, commuting over an hour each way AND my future mom in law was staying with us "to get to know me". We fought non-stop! I am not even sure how we found the time to fight, but we did. I would call my mom long distance at the drop of the hat saying I can't do this. Whew! I would not want that time back, but I am SO glad I did not postpone and stuck with it.


On a different note- my husband and I have different ways of showing affection too. He loves to cuddle and I can feel suffocated when hugged. But over the years we have found compromises- he has figured out when to stay away and I have figured out when he wants is a good cuddle. All you guys have to do is find a happy medium. Doesn't mean giving up anything that you like but recognizing when and what your loved one needs.

Thanks to all of you for replying - interesting replies and a lot of different perspectives - which is just what I needed.


I won't be postponing the wedding - that was never an option. We are working on things and have been for a while - he knows that I love, admire & respect him - he's told it daily...


788 & flashback - thank you in particular - you gave me some positive feedback which was very needed... I know that he's a good man, but I also know that I am not someone who is needy or a nag - so it's good to get the reassurance that I'm not totally to blame for the situation!


Thanks again

You're getting married inspite of the fact you are fighting?


Get real, sort out BOTH of your sets of problems BEFORE you get married.


And the give and take should be a two-sided thing, no\t just you, as the potential wife, yielding to his every demand.


I always remember the boyfriends picking up the girls in Toronto. They would get out of the car, knock on the door, exchange pleasantries with family members and then open the car door for the girl.


After marrying, this ritual would be reduced to rolling up outside the house, sounding the horn and waiting for the wife to emerge and then open her own door.


Remember, however he treats you now will likely be better than after you are married. Get real and think hard about your future.


Does he "love, admire & respect" you too? I find it hard to believe. (I am male)