A Cheating Husband

My husband has been cheating on me with another woman. He has been seeing her in the evenings while pretending to be at work. I have also discovered romantic emails between the two of them proclaiming love and wanting to be part of each other lives. I confronted him of course and he said that there has been no sex between them ...they are just good friends.


He does not want a divorce. He claims he loves me and our 5 year old daughter, and wants to spend his life with us. I am in so much pain (emotionally) right now. I just want to hurt him like how he has hurt me.


Any ideas? I don't mean physical hurt but just emotionally so that he understands what its like to be cheated on.

do you know the girl, that your hub said only his friend? if not' tell him to avoid the girl speak to him frankly that those romantic emails might affect your relationship. if he really loves you, he will listen to you. and tell him what if he puts in your shoe' what will he do?


nhed of Astig Magz.

mistakes cannot solve by another mistakes, he created a smoke, dont make a fire out of it'.

nhed

Well if you hurt him back that will give him an excuse to leave. If you can keep calm that may be better but it's up to you to decide.

I know how bad you feel right now. I've been to both sides of it, my husband cheated and lied to me (it ended in divorce), and later, I have been the other woman, in relationship with a married man.


Men are masters of compartmentalization. They’re with you, they love you; they’re with the other woman they love that other woman.


I've no doubt your husband loves you and your daughter. But he surely has feelings also for the other woman. If they were just good friends and no sex was involved, then why did he need to lie to you, claim to be at work while in reality he was sharing time with this other woman? Why would they proclaim love and wanting to be part of each other's life, if they truly were only close platonic friends? Why such close friend if so important to your husband but only in an innocent way was never introduced to you?


When my husband cheated on me, it felt like my heart was ripped out, the pain was so intense. My way of trying to deal with it was to want to know every tiniest detail involved. I kept asking and asking and bringing it up and wanting to dissect it all into atoms. I also had terrible bursts of anger, resentment, despair, sadness, and I unleashed all that to my husband.


He, on the other hand, surely knew how deeply he had hurt me, and apparently regretted it. But his way of dealing with it was to brush it off, tell me it had happened but was in the past now, he did not want to dwell on it and he just wanted to look forward, not back. His shame and pain in what he had done to me probably was part of the reason why he tried to "erase" the cheating from our relationship. He wanted to bundle it up tight and shove it into the deepest most remote corner of his compartmentalized mind; lock, stock and throw away the key. For him, out of sight, out of mind and he could not understand why I could not handle the matter the same way.


Generally what I have read about cheating in a relationship is that in order for the relationship to have a chance of survival, the cheating spouse has to take full responsibility and take the entire rap and then more from the hurt spouse. This is the cheater's punishment. The cheater wants to get the painful experience in the past and get on with the relationship with a fresh start.


The cheated spouse will have unpredictable, unexpected flashbacks to the pain and humiliation sometimes even years after the incident. It is the cheater's job and responsibility to handle these flashbacks. No matter how many times the cheated spouse in tears yet again asks "How COULD you do that to me?!", the cheater has to give full honest answers. S/he cannot retort back "I already told you many times, do you have to bring it up again!?"


When later everything might already seem to be getting better, the couple are snuggling on the sofa watching a romantic comedy, and then suddenly BANG, in the film one of the characters sprits on some perfume but it happens to be the same perfume the cheating husband came back smelling of and which finally burst the bubble and the adultery came known - the cheated-on wife will have a breakdown and the pain and wounds become as fresh and hurtful as the moment she found out.


The cheating husband has to understand that this kind of back-to-square-one setbacks will happen and it is yet again part of his punishment, a result of his actions before that he has to deal with such setbacks and work hard to take the "lashing" and to rebuild trust. – Yet there is no guarantee that even if the couple goes thru all this, the relationship can be saved. It might be long time of very difficult, hard work trying to salvage the wreck, only to finally have to concede to loss and final break-up.


Just my two cents worth from my own experience. And the cheater can be either a man or a woman; in above example I just made the man the bad guy because the perfume analogue came to mind easily.

Thank you for all of your advice. I know what you all are saying is true but at the moment I am so hurt and I just want him to feel some of that pain. He thinks its no big deal as he claims that no sex was involved but he can't explain the lying and the romantic emails. He wants me to be the good, faithful wife at home but on the other hand he wants to have his kicks outside. I know that many men think this way.....I just want men, my husband in particular, to feel the hurt and pain that the betrayed wife goes through. I would feel the greatest satisfaction to see him crawl with emotional hurt and pain because of me but that's not going to happen is it? It never does with men.

Then take your daughter and leave. If he does really love you and wants to keep his family together, take that away from him. Let him know he has made a mistake that cannot be corrected. Something as deep and final as death.


No matter how much he regrets and how badly he knows he's f*cked it up (pun intended), let him know he's done something irreversible. If he truly loved you, he will feel the pain. And if he is still lying to you about how unimportant that other woman was and sex was involved even he claims otherwise, then leaving him would probably be the right decision anyway?

Christelita,

Christelita,

That's what I have been thinking of doing. I have family and friends back home who will welcome me back with open arms but I can't walk away from him. Why? Because I still love him so much. BUT I hate him too at the same time. The line is so fine between love and hate. At the same time, I know that if I stay on I cannot trust him much anymore and trust is such an important component of marriage. Leaving him might hurt him badly but it would also hurt me too. To be honest, apart from wanting to hurt him badly, I really don't know what I should do or want to do at this moment.

Thegraduate. He's not capable of feeling your pain because he's not you. Men don't empathise like this. He got caught and he is now having to do some time in the headmistress' study for misbehaving. I suppose he will shuffle around, look dejected for a couple of weeks until - hopefully - the worst is over. He'll also make some ultra feeble attempts at reconciliation - which although well-intentioned - will look completely lame in your eyes. Men only understand pain if you break a leg or something but you projecting emotional turmoil doesn't really register - he'll just see you as a pain even though he is in the wrong. The only way to harm him is to take the kid away - which is terribly hard on the kid and potentially leads to all sorts of nasty scrapes. If you possibly can, keep calm, be polite and don't do anything rash. Focus on common sense things like 1) your daughter and her future 2) finances. This way, perversely, you'll get more respect from him and utterly trash any hopes his mistress may have of taking him away from you.

Thegraduate. This happens all the time. Take a deep breath and look long-term. Does he have good points as well as this bad point? As I mentioned on another post, if he has other problems like gambling or drugs then it's probably best to move on. If, however, he is a good father, fun to be with and usually a pleasant guy to be around, then try to let it go. What attracted you to him will obviously attract other women - and boys will be boys.

Love and hate are not opposite feelings. Love and hate are both very strong feelings. The opposite of either of them is indifference.


The wound is still too raw and you are in shock. You should not take any drastic steps now. Concentrate on you daughter and her immediate wellbeing. If you can, talk to friends or professional councellor. Gather information of all options for action, i.e. if you were to leave him, what would be the practical steps; ask a lawyer about where you'd stand in case fo a divorce etc.


Let some time pass and your mind and heart to process this shock. This is a huge matter and even the fastest computer will need time to process and analyze all the data, so to say.


If it feels difficult to stay at home and face your husband, could you stay with relatives / friends / go to a trip with your daughter, staying in a hotel for a few days?


For me, enough time has now passed since the betrayal and divorce, and I can be civil and even friendly towards my ex-husband. I can think of him as a friend with whom I have shared time and memories.


But the trust could not be rebuilt and it was not possible to remain a husband and wife. For me, the trust really was the key component in our marriage. I had even mentioned to friends on many occasion how one thing I could be sure of about my husband was that he'd never cheat and lie to me. Well, what do you know; never say never, learned the hard way...

Thank you for all your advice. I'll try to calm down and think things through. It hurts too damn much though.

There is generally plenty of blame to go around in most marital disputes... this thread is a bit too full of the tit for tat brigade. Guaranteed to lead to more problems. Like eating too much ice cream, or heavy boozing - it may feel good at the time, but it's going to end in tears.

I think this is only whether you want to stay or leave.

If you still love him, consider also youself.....give him a chance.


If love no longer exist, is a pain to stay together.

Cheating is one of those things...if you do not set standards for how you will accept being treated, then you really are failing yourself.


Still...hmm, its all up to you, gf. You say you still love him, but love is such an irrational thing and there is a whole host of philosophy floating about out there that are related to this thing of love and marriage. Love, over time, has the capacity to die, so really, everyone who gets married is in some way contributing to their chances of being trapped in a loveless marriage and really, that is something that most folks feel a fair bit of antipathy towards, right?


Sadly, your husband has kinda edged your relationship just that one bit closer to the death of love. He better be willing to go the distance to mend that rift or we know what kinda future you will be facing.


Either way, I hope for your sake that the outcome is one you feel empowered coming to and happy in your skin for making whatever decision sits right with you. All the best to you.

Whilst it is easier for everyone to advise than for you to go through it, I feel you should think it over before calling it quits with your husband. There is a child and her future at stake here. You don't want to jeopardize that for anything in the world. I don't know, for I'm not you - but time is a good healer and hopefully your husband will realize his folly and find his way back home.


If he is exchanging romantic emails and hasn't indulged in sex, then probably there is something that is keeping him from consuming the relation in full and that could be his concern for not wanting to hurt you and your daughter. It could be possible that he is using her only as a tool for quenching his thirst for romance which may have disappeared from marriage. And once his romance becomes monotonous and boring and he has discovered all that there is to her, he will discard her for good. That is, if he is not committed to her in any other way. This is how male psyche works. Romance is the special flavor / fragrance of life we all get hooked to until it wears of or there is nothing left.


I just hope for you that all it ends well for you and your daughter. I will advise though, that should it come to separation, then do it with dignity - WITHOUT hurting him in any way and creating painful memories for your daughter. Your walking out on him with your head held high and not a tear in your eye will not let him live in peace and that will be the best way of getting back at him. His guilt will eat him for the rest of his life and even more so should he see that you have moved on with your life and heavens are on your side.


Work for peace not war. Confront him and tell him either it has to be a relation in full or nothing and he will have to chose between you (and your daughter) and the other. In the end only you will be the best judge of the situation and much needed action on your part.


My best.

Nikki Green can help http://www.healthierrelationships.com/index.php

Well, either that or he is lying about the sex part. I doubt they would get to the stage of saying they wanted to be a part of each others lives if it hadn't got beyond a good old rogering. It's kind of a key part of any affair.

Get real - work out what you need from this relationship versus how you could manage without it and then decide what to do. No point thinking about what they 'do' together - sort out your life

I know how you feel as I had been cheated on by my boyfriend before.


We moved to HK a few years ago. There are many cases of this happening as a lot of expats have this expat syndrome. They get to HK and suddenly a lot of girls are after them... (or their money!)


Anyway, I found out he was cheating on me as I noticed the phone bill was much more than normal so I checked. It was a Taiwanese woman, 15 years older than my then boyfriend. (Now we are happily married.) Apparently, Taiwanese women have a reputation (for stealing others' men or pretending something they are not) in this community..(no offence to anyone)...

At the time, my life was hell! I was checking his stuff to find evidence. It's crazy, you get so worked up that every little thing you would interpret as something. On one hand I wanted to prove myself right and to move on if I found out he was cheating. On the other hand, I was so afraid to find something. Anyway, what would you do if you found something? A phone no.? Another phone no.? Another email address that he uses to write with? Some scap of paper? A receipt? A photo? My advice is to not check on his stuff at all because in the end it would be YOU who gets hurt, not the other woman or your husband.

I was also so paranoid that I was watching his every move, guessing what he was thinking, if he would text that woman or not. Don't do this, as it just makes him feel annoyed and run away from you. He would then blame you and say you are controlling!


Our relationship draged on and all that time I was angry and full of resentment. I questioned him everyday why he would do that and he lied and lied. I would bring it up all the time and piss him off and punish him, but later I realised that was stupid. It only made our time together unbearable and I was basically pushing him away. Yes, it is unacceptable he did that, but it is not just about right or wrong, but if you want to be with him or not.

After two years I didn't know if my man was in contact with that woman, and I was not ok with him, but one day, that woman called me. She basically wanted to let me know she was there. I still don't know the story. She sent me many text messages and emails of theirs. Obviously she thought that my man wouldn't leave me and she had to do something. Then I was very angry and decided to leave my boyfriend. I had found a new place to live and changed my phone no., and I think that was when he realised he was going to lose me. I didn't and couldn't look at him as I was so disappointed and I had given up. I was young, basically I had everything going for me. I made arrangements to move. I had actually planned to move without letting him know, so he would come home one day and I was gone, but I guess he overheard some of my conversations on the phone which sounded like I was looking for somewhere. One night, as I had finally decided on the place I was going to live, I met up with my friend (a man) who happened to live nearby. He asked why I was moving. I told him everything and he shown me a completely different perspective to what I and my other friends had always thought.


I started to put myself in my boyfriend's shoes and thought about how things really were. My friend (who is not that close to my boyfriend) told me from what I have told him, he feels my boyfriend loved me very much. I calmed down and looked at how I was in the relationship too. You see, relationships are not so simple. There are some facts(in my opinion) that you need to know:

1) Your man wants to be with you, the same you who they fell in love with. (Are you still interesting to talk to? Are you taking care of yourself? As in your appearance? Have you gained weight? Did you, when you met him, dress up for him and are you still doing that now? Or are you just in your t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms all day? Do you look tired most of the time and wear no makeup at home? Because the other woman will try to look her best when she meets him. Yes, people are shallow! It is only human instint to want to look at beautiful things. Of course you appealed to him, otherwise he probably wouldn't be with you, but are you still making the effort? How about your behaviour? Do you let him in the washroom when you are doing your business or powdering your nose? Do you still have an interest or are you just waiting for him and cancelling your appointments and whatever you want to do just to lock him in the house? Are you still interesting to talk to? Because the other woman will try her best to be!! etc)

2) Men don't like to feel guilty (so, he doesn't admit to any wrong doing. He might even blame you! Or he might just lie to himself)

3) Men like to feel he is something in your eyes. Are you putting him down? How do you talk to him? With respect? (It's easy to neglect that respect. Relationships need respect! Respect him like you would with a friend!)

etc.

You need to work out why he is cheating. That does not mean to ask him, as he would most probably lie. Your husband probably lied about the not having sex bit. So what? Ok, if you find out they have had sex, then what? Can you accept it? If not, think of your options, PLAN, then move on! Men don't think of sex the same way as we, women do. That is not to say it's alright. My advice is to try and stay calm, and think before you act! I also recommend a book called "Beat the bitch"! It's great! Funny and very helpful! I just saw it in the book store after all the fuss with my boyfriend. Take care of your little one!! Think for her and your best! Are you financially independent and all that. He needs to know you won't put up with thatsh*t! But think carefully and plan! If you still love him and you feel he loves you, then think what went wrong? Were you boring to be with? Can that change? Is he going through hard time and you are not there to be soft and support him? Are you answering to his needs? Are you listening and paying attention to him? There must be something the other woman is giving him that you are not giving him. It could be sex, company, respect etc.

I hope I don't sound patronising. I've been there. I know the feeling. I just hope the best for you and some solutions. Perhaps you need to look into your relationship more before you think of hurting him. Hurting him doesn't solve any problem to be honest. He will just think you are a bitch and the other woman is an angel. Why push him away to her?


The story with my boyfriend and I in the end is, I listened to him and looked at our relationship not just from my point of view but his. When I read his emails to that woman, I realised he really loved me very much and she was just a rebound who would listen to his needs and be there for him even if he never did anything for her. He was in pain because he didn't feel I loved him. I cried when I read about how sad he was. Then, I realised I really loved this man. I didn't want him to be sad and told him I would leave him, not just out of anger, but to give him freedom. I made it very clear that I did not accept him doing that to me, but I told him I arranged everything and was leaving him. I showed him I loved him by being kinder towards him. I made the effort to look good for him. I changed the way I was bossing him around. I let him have freedom. But guess what, he wanted to be with me and not hurt me anymore, he knew how much pain I was in. The other woman fxxked off somewhere else, maybe to find another man who would have her wait around. Why is it that there are always these women who don't have any intergrety and want to cheat with others' men?

Think clearly, improve yourself (anyway, with or without him you need to increase your market value! Joke!), what some funny movies and meet friends!! Stop thinking about what he's doing! Join a class! Do something so you have a life without him too!


I hope my experience is of some help to you. Sorry it's so long!

Best wishes to you and your little one!

i found out my bf had secret msgs to other gal b4, i was very upset and angry indeed and had showed him my emotions as well.. it wasn't any romantic msgs that i've found, n yet he explained they were just having normal frdly msgs but just hided from me out of my jealousy nature, of coz i didn't buy his explanation! i kept my anger for him until i found my situation on some professional websites about improving relationship, and i let him read it...

he might not understand how u feel becoz he thought he had no sexual affair yet..

but it's just important to let him know about your hurtful feelings towards this kind of secret affairs or conversations with other gals before it's too late (women do take ultimate revenge for hurtful feelings)

i forgot and couldn't find the link now for what i've read and let him read...it was a random search on the internet, so you could just spend your time and do the same! it works for me to let my man understand more about women's nature by reading those kind of expert's article and it's important for us women to know about men's nature and to learn how to maintain a healthy loyal harmonic relationship together.. !!! if you love him, find a helpful way to improve your relationship with your husband, and if he loves u, he'll show in his response with your effort!!!

good luck to u~!

random link:

http://www.infidelityman.com/how-to-make-your-man-stop-cheating.php

You mention wanting to see you husband crawl with emotional pain and that would fill you with satisfaction. I,m wondering if you have subconsciously been trying to bring this about prior to any infidelity. I suggest you rid yourself of desires for revenge and focus on trying to feel good again without hurting others, everyone had a fair share of emotional turmoil without inflicting it on a loved one.