Value of Relationships and Friendships

About 1 year ago I learned of an affair by my spouse. I was very close to pulling the plug on the entire thing. I made a decision at the time however to stay in the marraige and try to work things out.


As you can imagine this was a difficult issue to deal with and there have been many heated discussions in trying to work through this. As anyone that has been through this before, there was continued lying denial, blame on other people etc. We sought counselling intially as well.


One of the things that surfaced last year as I learned of the affair is that, my spouse's sibling (married) was having an affair/relationship with a very close friend (not married) primarily of mine but very close to my spouse as well.


I had suspected something might be happening, but was shocked when it was confirmed something was happening and had been for over two years. I was shocked for the obvious, but more so dissapointed that this "friend" would get involved with someone so close such as my in-law and more so that this "friend" did not in my opinion value our frienship enough to address this directly to me.


I saw this "friend" a couple times but did not bring it up as I had a lot to deal with with my own situation at the time. However about 2-3 months later I addressed the situation. I explained that I had just learned of my spouse's affair (which by the way I believe this "friend" was aware of) and how upset I was over that. I also explained that obviously being in the middle of dealing with an affair in my own relationship, that I could not respect this friend for being part of something that caused me so much hurt and pain. We have not spoken since and one of this last things this "friend" asked of me was not to tell anyone of this relationship.


Without a doubt it has been the most trying year of my life. As you can imagine there have been several heated discussions between my spouse and I as we have been working through this. Some of our discussions revolved around this friend and sibling using that as an example of what I endured by the affair in my marraige. Many of the other discussions revolved upon us being able to communicate and talk and work through difficult things rather than sweep them under the carpet and let them build into a situation that can no longer be dealt with.


It is now 13 months later since I learned of the affair in my marraige. I felt I was making progress in my marraige and things were moving in the right direction...........until this weekend.


I was out with my spouse this weekend. While we were out one of the staff where we were innocently asked where the people were that my spouse was with during a past visits to the establishment during a time in which I was travelling for business.


Needless to say I opened a beer and took a big drink and snapped. I case you hadn't figured, the two people my spouse was with was this "friend" and my spouses sibling.


I felt so let down by my spouse that I had just wasted the last year trying to re-build our relationship and dealing with it day by day.


I felt let down because by my spouse by being there with those two people in my opinion was my spouse accepting that what they are doing is OK.


In turn by accepting them, that meant my spouse accepted that behaviour. I am devastated. I feel that every apology and everytime I was told "I feel so ashamed and if I could go back it would never of happened" is totally meaningless.


I feel that at least if my spouse told me of this we could have addressed it. Instead it was hidden from me and I feel that any trust I had built back up in my spouse for the past year is all for not.


I won't go into specifics, but as it turns out from our "heated" discussions over the weekend this relationship between this "friend" and sibling went has moved onto new levels. I sit here an wonder if this friend valued my relationship, this would have come first hand. Not to mention that since this discussion we had several months ago I honoured the request and have not told a soul of the relationship.


So I sit here disgusted by the lack of respect for friendship and devastated that my dealing and trying to work through my relationship this day by day is all for not and maybe last year I should have ended it then and have moved on.


I do not write this in looking for people to side with me, but rather to help me deal with this by communication and maybe if someone has gone through this I can help them by being someone that can listen.

I could imagine the pain your've been going through. However, every relationship has it's own merits and ups and downs. Your in-law's affair may not necessarily be the same as your hubby's. I am indifferent towards your hubby hanging out with them because this doesn't have to mean your hubby agrees with what they are doing. I think the key is whether your hubby continues his affair. Don't let someone else's problems become yours and stay focus on working out your marriage and identify why your hubby engaged in the affir to begin with, only if you two can resolve the root cause of the damage, then there is a chance to make it work. you have all my blessing.

4tune8 might be the husband (i have jumped to the wrong gender conclusion before, by reading a posting too quickly). not that it makes any difference whatsoever in the nature of the actions committed.


so sorry for your predicament, 4tune8 - a double betrayal, by your spouse and by your friend (with your spouse's married sibling, no less).


a relative of mine put a clause into her pre-nup that should her husband act in such a way as to lead to their divorce - infidelity is specified - she is entitled to the maximum damages, plus any punitive damages, allowable under the law. suffice it to say that she had very good reasons for doing so, given his history before they married. he signed, and they have been together, more or less happily, for nearly ten years now.


good luck, please keep us posted.

i think spouse had affair. additionally, spouse's married sibling had affair with 4tune8's single friend.

voiceofreason is correct. My spouse had the affair and my spouse's sibling now has had an affair for sometime (perhaps one now can call it a relationship?) with what appeared with someone I considered to have one of the best frienships I've had.


I am not so much worried (nor do I blame them for my troubles) about this other couple's activities as things happen in this world and I know I must focus on my own marraige. However I am dissapointed the lack of value shown by both of them not to address this directly with me.


What really disspoints me is that I feal my spouse has condoned this activity which is the vary same thing that happened. Furthermore my spouse betrayed our relationship and my ability to trust anymore just like when I was faced with the affair in our relationship.

so 4tune8, did you have a chat with your hubby and why did he have the affair?

i don't think 4tune8 means "value" in any sort of material sense, but rather exactly the way you put it: the inherent value of the friendship itself, by virtue of merely existing...which to 4tune8 perhaps encompasses at least some similar principles, i.e. honesty and fidelity. i think what is bizarre and discomfiting is not so much that 4tune8's single friend was having an affair (it's true that we don't have identical moral standards with even our closest friends), but that the affair was with 4tune8's spouse's married sibling. too close for comfort...it must have made 4tune8 wonder if an infidelity gene ran in the family!


and i would wonder why my friend, knowing what i had been through with my spouse, would not have considered my spouse's married sibling perhaps off-limits...if my single friend was going to have an affair with a married person, i might have wished for my friend to have chosen a complete stranger - someone not so literally close to home.


but anyway - back to the nature of friendship...i agree, like any long-term important relationships, some friendships simply run their course and die.

My English is not good enough,so it took me almost one hour to finish reading this.

I want to know that why did your spouse do that?Maybe he doesn't know that you are the best in the world,if you are really disappointed to this marrriage,leave a baseline to yourself,which when it is arrived,then end the marriage.

As to your friend,forget it,she never took you as hers,otherwise she would not do that.