Posted by
freddy
18 yrs ago
Several months ago my stupidity and selfishness blew apart my marriage. My wife was devestated at a betrayal of trust but after listening to our friends, her church/faith, her heart and much pleading from me she decided we would continue at least for the meantime to see if she could comne to terms with this. We had a great christmas, moved homes, my wife got a new job and it seemed as if we she could find forgiveness. There have been a couple of periods of maybe two/three days at a time when she felt very bad and did not want me to be around but they passed. A couple of days ago she went vey quiet and distant and then yesterday informed me that she cannot get over the betrayal and cannot trust me and that she thinks we should seperate. I have done and said all I can think to to try to let her see how sorry I am and made every effort to try to make her happy again and thought we were succeeding(she recently put our wedding pictures back up). I really want to make things right but do not know what else to do.
Any sensible suggestions would be appreciated.
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What did you do to betray her?? Was it an extra-marital affair or something else??
Because I know many wives who forgive their husbands for affairs....!
I know it devastated me, in it's true sense, and I eventually separated from the guy I knew for 16 years and was married for 7!
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sheep
18 yrs ago
I to know a few friends who had this done to them or they did it(unfaithful), for a while the marriage went on but even after yrs later they seperated because of it, the thing is they could forgive but not forget.
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No, my wife did not want it, but she asked that I attend her church which we have done when we can and she seemed to appreciate that, plus spookily the very first time we were there the sermon was focussed around forgiveness and letting go of sadness and bitterness.
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What the hell, T3?? What do you have against me?? Why would you write not Zonked??????????
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She has a great circle of loyal friends and I am sure at least one of them will have been in that position so I guess she been able to talk things through, the main thing is the let down and breach of trust and this cannot be undone. She has said that no matter how things go for us in the future she will never feel the same total love again and that it is making her sad at times. This is the first time in my life I have felt totally helpless and unable to influence my life. I have tried to contemplate life without my wife in it and I just cannot, we have already come through a lot in the last four years and always been able to support each other through some difficult times which had made us very close. It is easy to say that then why the hell did you let her down and there is no excuse and as a poster said back in September last year I may have to live with the consequences of a drunken ONS for a very long time.
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sheep
18 yrs ago
Lovingwife god that be awfull!!, once is bad enough but twice!!.
Im sorry i couldnt forgive twice, i would be in a marriage living everyday without trust, if he comes home late, if he is travelling and so on it would drive me crazy and would never work in the longrun.
Yes we can love someone and still not make it work after that, i love my husband but couldnt make my marriage work with him cheating twice my question would always be when would be the third time?
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One of her best friends was with us at over Chinese new year and I guess the subject must have come up so I can always speak with her for her opinion, she has always commented on how good a couple we make and that she hopes we get past this crisis.
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I think, Freddy, you can definitely live a life without your wife that is why you probably cheated on her in the first place.
Why did you cheat on her??
There're different types of marriages. In some everything is perfect and still one of them is foolish enough to betray the other. In such cases it is difficult to forgive and forget.
But then there are others where something important is missing. The balance isn't right and one person feels he deserves more or better. In such marriages cheating is inevitable, and easier for the cheatee to forgive and even forget, because somewhere deep down he/she blames himself/herself for the disaster.
But I feel in both the cases it really would be troublesome to live in that marriage even with all love.
But then there always are exceptions. But even in that case, my take would be that the relationship is never balanced. You can't totally erase things from your mind and even a speck of that memory will keep haunting both the partners, not just the cheatee. Afterall, even the cheater has felt let down in the first place (in case of the latter marriage).
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Hi JC,
as usual you have a way of putting things that seems to help in some way. My wife has told me many times that she will always love me but now and again like the last couple of days she gets distraught and does not want me around. I know I should back off and give her space but I worry about thinking I do not care that she is upset so I tend to fuss over her which is I guess makes things worse but it is hard not to. She has gone on a SPA visit today and has a girls night out tonight so I will just have to wait and see how she feels tomorrow. The only comfort for me is that when we are apart even for a day or two we always seem to end up closer.
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Thank you, Scarlet lady, our marriage was fine, my wife was in no way responsible for what happened, I have no problem accepting responsibility and only want to try to make her comfortable with me again. It is easy for me to say it will not happen again and I firmly believe it will not but I am not the one who was betrayed. I am trying to give her time and a new assignment for me means I will most likely be away for quite a lot of the next three months so hopefully absence/distance will help her.
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Your wife needs time and you need patience - lots of it. There is no way to undo what's been done. It cannot be re-written. It cannot be erased. You need to over-write painful memories with good ones. Start making happy, happy memories. Hopefully, sooner than later, the blissful new memories will override those of pain, images, betrayal, hurtful words exchanged... Start today. Start NOW.
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JC & Scarlettlady - Good stuff.
Freddy - prod on. have faith you're doing the right thing. But if all comes to a naught, Cest la vie.
Woz pup - stop yelping. pray you don't get yrself in situation where you begging for mercy.
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Woz pup..
Havn't you done the most stupid thing & then asked yrself WTF?
But point taken in a situation like this it's a series of stupid things.. what r the odds?
sorry Fred.. Woz pup is right, you screwed up (don't mind the pun)
Well, alcohol sure was the big catalyst.
Moral: Go easy on the drink?
But Chinese has a saying: when a person says he is drunk - it's 70% drunk, 30% sober..
Go figure.
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tia
18 yrs ago
@ Aijin: "Accidental sex"? You slipped and it fell in? I have never bought that theory.
Freddy, I am trying to recall your story. Your wife found out that while she was away, you had another woman at your flat, correct?
You say that after a few days apart you come back together better and stronger than before. Maybe a break is what she needs. Set a time limit (2-3 months), seek professional help in that time (NOT at a church...I agree that they are overly judgmental) and try to come up with a solution that you can both live with.
Yes, fidelity is possible and real. However, people are people and mistakes happen. You seem genuinely sorry that you f*&^ed up once and I don't think you would do it again, given how much grief this is causing you now.
It's still a fairly new hurt for your wife and while you are telling her how sorry you are and promising it will never happen again, she is still trying to come to terms with it herself. Like ANY hurt, days will be good, days will be bad. You and your wife have to find out if there are more good days ahead than bad ones. At the moment, she might be wanting to punish you a bit for hurting her so badly and as JC said, if you are willing to do the penance, it might be worth it.
Good luck!
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Freddy
Have you ever thought about just giving your wife some space? I mean real space - not just a day at the spa and a night out with the girls... you say that she was under a lot of pressure from the church/ her friends and you to save the marriage- but it seems to me that she hasn't had an opportunity to go through the grief and anger and come out the other side - it's only then that she will be able to decide whether or not she loves you and is prepared to trust you again.
It will be scary giving her real time out - you will feel insecure and you will run the risk of her walking away... but at least you will be respecting her and her emotions...
keep pushing her and you'll lose her for good... give her space - if she comes to you, you'll know that she really wants to make it work - then you're half way there.
If you want your wife to trust you again, then you need to trust her too.
Good luck
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Thanks for your comment Kate71, we are lucky that we have a holiday home where my wife can take off to when she wants and stay as long as she wants. So far it has been her that has decided she only wants/needs a few days to get over her anger/grief or whatever she has been feeling at the time and she has decided when to fly back home. I also have to travel with work and am about to start a two month assignment away from home with only one week at the end of the 1st month when my wife will join me in Bali for a holiday. I think this gap might be just what she needs right now and I am hoping our holiday will be very special as it also falls around her birthday.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, I sure hope they are right.
Hi Tia, I remember your excitement over your then impending marriage, I trust all is well with you and yours.
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Here's some helpful advice, don't cheat while you're on your business trip!
Personally I don't think you should be forgiven, if you loved her you wouldn't have done it in the first place.
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Pupalicious,You really do like standing on your holier than thou pedestal, for your information I have been travelling regularly in Asia for years and have never seen the point in hiring services for the night as it were. I sincerely hope your boyfriend is as angelic as you state or that the people who post on here are still sympathetic when when/if the mighty have fallen. In my experience local men(I have worked/travelled with many) are just as likely if not more so to be maintaining a mistress or using hookers as Expat men, just look at the SCMP everyday on the brothels in Jordan, Mong Kok, Yau Ma Tei etc that have just been served notice by the police, my Inspector friend assuresme that the customer base there is nearly 100% local.
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My boyfriend is perfect in the respect that he will never cheat. It's just not in his personality. He is a really good man.
The same can't be said for myself. I have cheated, not in this relationship, but in past ones, and I still stand by what I say. I didn't deserve to be forgiven (not that he ever found out) and the only reason I cheated was because I didn't really love him. Deep down.
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Freddy, I would just like to second Casey's words to you. I too rarely post on here but have been following your story and it seems like you are doing everything in your power to fix what was a foolish and terrible mistake. Best of luck with it and I hope your patience and hard work will help with rebuilding your marriage.
Pupalicious, I think I read on another thread that you were in your early 20's? Trust me, life is very black and white at that age and with more life experience, you will find your opinions and views changing. There are a whole lot of grey areas out there.
You would be wise to settle down on the opinionated yapping. You never know when statements with the word 'never' in them can come back and bite you....
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The impression I get from your posts everyone, is the older you get the more limited choices you have, so it's easier to forgive.
People deserve to be treated better. There are men out there, my friends are some of them, who won't cheat on you and will treat you with the respect you deserve.
Everyone has the right to not get cheated on. If someone's going to cheat on you, why on earth would you ever want them to touch you ever again!?!
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OK sorry Pupalicious, I blew off a bit there, I honestly believed I would never be compromised in the way that I was and have had a real tough time trying to figure out what really happened and why but still cannot rationalise it, neither can most of my friends who have known me for years and still believe I must have been tricked in some way. Anyway just wanted to say that age has nothing to do with it, my wife is 14 years my junior, very attractive and has plenty of options if that's what she wanted. Our substantial property and vehichles in the Phils are in her name and we have joint savings accounts. She has the choice to make her own decisions and so far that decision is that our mariage is worth saving. She is in no way dependant on me. I utterly respect her and am just amazed at how she has coped so far.
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Okay, I get that the world isn't black and white and all that. But, c'mon, you don't cheat by accident. You're in a bar, or a restaurant, or the gym, and you're flirting, there's a point where someone is going to suggest going back to their place/your place/a hotel/somewhere more private. At that point, you can say no! Sex and cheating isn't this thing that just happens in the blink of an eye, it's something that happens over the course of many hours and there are lots of opportunities for you to stop. You don't kiss her, you don't take your clothes off, and you don't get into bed. It's that simple. I know people can get carried away in the moment, but if your significant other is really in your heart, then during the course of all these hours, you think about them and you stop what you're doing.
I mean, no one's perfect. I've had a fight with my boyfriend before I've gone out, and I've let guys buy me drinks just cos I'm mad and want some attention, but that's where it should stop! I don't think cheating is this big accidental mistake that someone makes, it's a chain of mistakes. It's not forgiving just one thing that someone did, it's forgiving the chain of events that lead up to that point. And it's forgiving the fact that they didn't stop themselves while they progressed along that chain.
It's forgiving him chatting her up, it's forgiving him buying her a drink, it's forgiving him flirting, it's forgiving him suggesting they sleep together (or accepting the suggestion), it's forgiving him getting in a cab with her, and all the rest. It's not just as cut and dry as just forgiving him.
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tia
18 yrs ago
Freddy: Absence can make the heart grow fonder, that is true. Prolonged absences can make the memories disappear as well.
It's good that your wife has a place to go when she is feeling unhappy around you and needs space. It's good that you are not rushing her to come back as well.
I hope the trip to Bali works out well for you guys and I do hope that you can mend this.
As for me, I just back from 2 great weeks with my husband. I miss him terribly, of course, but will see him again soon! The first 6 months has been pretty good, so far, thanks for asking!
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There's a quote, "You can control your actions, but you can't control the consequences of your actions." Well, the consequences are real and there may not be much you can do about them. But there is one thing I noticed: Did you cheat on her in her own house, in her own bed? Because if you did, she might be having her nose rubbed in it every single time she is in her house with you, in her bed with you. If that is the case, it might make sense to move away from there and get to a more neutral environment.
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@@
18 yrs ago
I would strongly recommend counselling, probably individual and then together.
Trying to recover from a broken trust is tough and a rollercoaster of emotion. It is natural for your wife to have highs and lows but she probably needs some tools to help her through those low periods.
I hope you can convince her to give it more time, people who have been there will tell you it took them a couple of years to get back on track - a pretty big effort but often worth it when a wayward spouse has shown such remorse.
An infidelity can raise so many issues for the betrayed partner, personal doubt, self loathing etc. It’s possible your wife is dealing with a lot more than just the infidelity. I’m sure you know it wasn’t her fault but she may just be thinking - what did I do wrong, am I not attractive enough?
It’s likely your wife has her own mind video of what went on, that’s something very difficult to get through and will torture in those wee hours, some people swear by wearing a rubber band on their wrist and any time the video starts up they snap the band, it seems to help break the thought process.
A good counsellor should offer advice that will help you both with positive actions to move forward. Simple things like coming to an agreement on how you socialise but remember to set realistic boundaries. It would be silly to say "you can’t drink when out" but rather "enjoy your wine with dinner but stop there - don’t continue on bar after bar".
Find a counsellor that you are both comfortable with and perhaps one that neither of you has a connection with, it may make it easier for both of you.
I wish you the best, @@
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Pupalicious> You know what, I DID think like you once. SERIOUSLY. Everyone told me they want a husband just like mine cos he is sososo gd and sososo in love with me. And I never thought of cheating cos how can he? he is with me 24-7, he calls me when he goes out, he wants sex with every single night. Well, he cheated. I thought I would never ever forgive him but guess what, I did. I stayed to work it out cos he was on his knees begging me to forgive, and he was like Freddy, sincere and sorry for what he did.
Freddy, my advice to you is be more patient. Make no mistake that I have no sympathy for you for your cheating ways. You broke your marriage vows, you disrespect your wife in the worst posible way, so you need to make it up for your wife, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Your wife sounds like me, a churchgoer with lots of traditional values and morals. I dare say probably cos of this good nature is she still with you. She has likely forgiven you (easy part) but forgetting? well, after 2 years of clean marriage, I STILL get my bouts of depression. I suggest you re-evaluate your expectations if u want life to go on like before after x no of mths/years. Your marriage will NEVER be the same again. You may become stronger, more adult, but don't expect it to be like before.
Are you still having heart-to-heart talk with your wife? Is she still asking a lot of questions about your affair, questions that you don't want to answer, but she wants to know? I remmebered I wanted every detail, even sexual positions, dunno how to explain it but i need to know so i can put pass it.
I suggest you accomodate her moods and requests as best as you can manage. I suspect she hasn't reconcile things in herself yet. At the same time you need to talk to her constantly about how you feel. Don't be afraid to tell her about your feeling either, your hopelessness, your loneliness.
Good luck.
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just a few words to you, as a women.
Remember to call her or send a SMS to her, when you are apart. This way she will know that you are not doing something stupid again, and you are thinking about her.
Make sure you let her know that you can be reached every minute.
I've been thru it, what I need back then is just simple re-affirming of love and the prove that my guy has learned the lesson.
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Been a while.. just came back fr trip to reflect.. Some peace & quiet helped..
My situation is similar to Freddy's thou' it's not due to infidelity. Our problem lies in the differences in our backgrounds/cultures & expectations. She has basically lost trust in my ability to meet her expectations & is tired of working on the marriage. This has been close to a year now & I've recently moved out of the matrimonial home (for the 2nd time) at her insistence.
BUT I never lose faith (thanks to encouragement fr friends and here).. despite admittedly sometimes I pray to for patience/strength to forgive/forget her for what she's putting the family through now (we have 2 lovely youngs kids, you see) & her lack of commitment to the marriage. But I must take responsibility also for having caused her to think/behave as she had for the past 10 mths.
I guess, after much soul searching, I end up asking what are the most important things in my life to.. and I always arrive at the decision.. to accept her for better, for worse.. Give her time & space... And might I add, I noticed her attitude towards me improving thou' I realise the road may still be long & tough..
Whatever age, whatever circumstances, whatever race, whatever... I believe these meaningful words apply..
Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent than the one derived from fear of punishment. –Gandhi
Freddy.. Don't lose faith in your marriage.
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To all the recent posters, thank you for words of support and direct honesty. I know I have life time with my wife to look ahead to and we have just returned from a short trip to Palawan to sell one of our properties there, we had time to make a couple of dives and re-discovered our love of underwater photography. We had a really great time and I am sure our time apart due to my work which starts soon will be bearable as we have a short break in Bali to look forward to in the middle of the assignment and a friends wedding in Hawaii in early July. Tgank you all again.
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Umm, rice pay, when you say she's "tired of working on the marriage..", does she think it's been a one-sided effort, or have you been giving it your all too, to make it work?
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hi marie..
i probably "woke up" a bit too late for her acceptance. but i worked darn hard for the last year & granted i'd pushed her to the corner where she is now.. she just plain gave up (maybe still <5% chance for her if put a number to it)...
encouraged by friends & relatives, i have faith.. it's not easy.. to slowly build on the 5% she has now to something more i hope.. i sometimes do question should there a deadline for forgiveness & it's likely she's set hers when she broached divorce. i try very hard to tell myself to extend the deadline for her esp. after some of the "damages" she inflicted on the family in order to get back at me.. I tell myself I have to be more forgiving & more patient.. esp. to her, the mother of my children..
My friends tell me.. I probably have done all I can... Now it's all in her hands.., i'm aware i've to be prepared for the worst too.. & move on in the event she finally decided the split is final.. I must be strong for the children... and also for her... That's my cross to bear. For I know too I'm far from perfect...
Que sera sera..
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Hi Freddy, glad you had a great time! One time when both my h. and I were working really long hours we drifted apart, and had to re-find common interests. We took up a new hobby that we could enjoy together! Another thing I might add is that I'm not of the "give distance" school. I think distance leads people to grow apart. I'd personally advocate doing everything you can to let her know you love her, including physical affection that's not necessarily sexual. Tell her you love her, bring her small gifts or send phone sms to let her know she is on our mind, give her hugs, get some massage oil and pamper her with a body massage, say!? You know her personality, so you know what she likes. Give her happy memories and thoughts to displace the troublesome ones. I really like the rubber band on the wrist idea, but that's something she would do and is therefore out of your control. Focus on what you can do.
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this is a message of thanks to all who posted here before of hope to those who are stuggling with infidelity. Since June my wife and I have beome very close, our time apart allowed her to closely examine what she felt and what she wants. Our trip to the USA for vacation and to attend her best friends wedding must have done something as when we returned and I went off to work in Singapore I recieved a call at 4.20am from her declaring that she is pregnant. I cannot wait to be a dad, she and her family and doctor are ecstatic as we were expecting to have go IVF as she had little chance to concieve due to past illness. It truly seems like a gift from above and I am not a particularly spiritual person. Our relationship is stronger than ever even though she still has occasional depressed times when something reminds her of the my past infidelity, even sometimes just innocently cuddled up watching novie, a scene will jolt her memory. I just make an excuse to go and do something, make a drink or whatever. I am learning how to cope much better with these moments and she seems to have truly forgiven me. I know am very lucky and not all relationships will survive infidelity but if you love your partner try, keep trying and then try some more. It is worth it, believe me.
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tia
17 yrs ago
CONGRATS Freddy! I wish you and your wife all the best of luck with the new baby and the future. :)
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wired
17 yrs ago
dear freddy, I have followed your post from the begining, and although acknowledged what you did was unaceptable (as you have) I send you great joy of hope and success in the new stage of your marrage and lives together. Good on you for persuing your number one love....miricals happen around us all the time, this one is yours and hers. All the best to your extraordinary wife and pending child. Your sincerity (of great regrets in life) have survived due to your total commitment towards true love and extraordiary truthfullness. Now, I have a great deal of respect to you and to your wife. Live on with great love, truth, trust, and fun! To have overcome what you two have is inspiring in a way...I don't know either of you but at this point I feel joy for you both. YeeeHaaaa!!!!
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