sexless wife 2

as i am unable to reply to any message and ED decides to not reply me, even delete my thread post about it. here my reply to the sexless wife thread.


if it makes u feel better to know ur not alone, you are not! my wife of 2 years lost all interest after we get married and she get pregnant, even she stay home and has a helper.


its mind boggling how you can have great sex life before, and sudden after its all dead and your left to deal with everything yourself. going from once a day to twice a month if i am lucky.


my advice, dont get married, dont fall in the trap.

Try using this browser:


http://www.mozilla.com/en-US/firefox/all.html

Try to have some empathy with your wife, how old is your child and what do you do to assist your wife with your childs upbringing ?

You really should speak to your wife about how you feel, communicate, not argue or demand, share and care. After the birth of a child many women feel totally overwhelmed, by the birth, the responsibilty of it all, the changes to her body.

Take your wife out for the evening, and talk to her. she is probably feeling the loss as much as you.

Libido lags for ladies in luck


Source: http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,20118998-36398,00.html


By Maurice Chittenden and Roger Dobson

August 14, 2006 12:00am


THE female sex drive starts sputtering to a halt as soon as a woman has got her man, according to a new study.


Researchers have found that women's libido plummets so rapidly when they believe they are in a secure relationship that after just four years the proportion of 30-year-old women wanting regular sex falls below 50 per cent.


There are few things that appear able to keep a woman sexually interested, the study found, but living apart for extended periods can help.


The findings for women contrast with those for men, whose sexual appetite hardly flagged at all up to 40 years after marriage.


The study, by researchers at Hamburg-Eppendorf University in Germany, challenges the popular image of modern women as equal to men in sexual appetite.


"Female motivation matches male sexual motivation in the first years of the partnership and then steadily decreases," concludes Dietrich Klusmann, the medical psychologist who conducted the study.


"Male motivation remains constant regardless of the duration of the partnership." Dr Klusmann questioned more than 500 people about their sex lives in order to measure changes in their libido.


He found that within a year of a relationship starting, female libido moved into steep decline.


While 60 per cent of 30-year-old women reported wanting sex "often" at the start of a relationship, the figure fell to below 50per cent within four years and to about 20 per cent after 20 years.


Dr Klusmann, whose work will be published this week in the journal Human Nature, has compared his findings to the sexual habits of prairie voles and offers an evolutionary explanation.


He believes that women, having found a man with whom to procreate, keep "resources" scarce to keep the man interested. Men, on the other hand, maintain a higher sex drive in the hope of keeping their mate faithful and other men at bay.


The Germans found, however, that living apart slows the decline in female libido, confirming the maxim "absence makes the heart grow fonder".


Women whose husbands or boyfriends have higher educational qualifications than their own also maintain their sex drive. This, speculates Dr Klusmann, is because such men are regarded as a "valuable mate of choice" by other women.


The German study is reinforced by an investigation by Mary Carole Pistole of Purdue University in Indiana, whose work suggests the healthiest relationships are among people whose loved ones live hundreds of kilometres away.


Dr Klusmann's findings were, however, attacked by Irma Kurtz, the agony aunt for Cosmopolitan magazine, who said: "Of course women in their 30s with children, careers and the house to run are too busy and tired for sex, but they have a great capacity for tenderness."


Petra Boynton, a sex psychologist, agreed: "Surveys like this don't always tell the real truth.


"Women are more likely to divulge their problems while men feel under pressure to say they are good in bed because their masculinity requires it."


But Paula Hall, a sexual psychotherapist with Relate, a couples guidance service, backed the German study.


She said that in the first two years of a relationship both partners produced phenylethylamine, a natural amphetamine that has been called the chemical of love.


"After those two years the woman's sexual drive changes," said Dr Hall. "She becomes receptive rather than proactive and unless there is a trigger she will prefer to have a cup of tea and watch Coronation Street."


Dr Klusmann's researchers also asked respondents whether they agreed with the statement "I just want to be tender".


On this measure, men's performance fell off as quickly as women's sexual desire.


Women's desire for tenderness remains an almost constant 90 percent whatever their age and regardless of whether they have been with the same man for one year or four decades.


Men claim to be just as doe-eyed as women at the start of the relationship, but this wears off very rapidly. Only a quarter of 30-year-old men who have been in a relationship for 10 years are still seeking tenderness.


"Cuddling is important for women and they may say they want tenderness because they do not like to express sexual desire and can only do so from the dialogue of romance," said Dr Boynton.


The Sunday Times

yep, to some point, i'll say don't get married too. Look at me, having a sexless wife but still have to be loyal to her. Kept saying no to the woman at work, you think that is easy!! No, not at all. this is called burning your own bridge. Not sure whether i'll get a better marriage later, but saying no to another potiential good partner.


yep, i'm a bit disencouraged today. Because of what i experienced in the last week. Keep trying but keep failing. Sucks!!

CHECK MY COMMENTS ON THE OTHER SEXLESS WIFE

well nosleep, I'm in the exact same situation and can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. How long do you wait? If there are no other problems, it would seem as if things aren't too bad, but it's a major deal for me.............

maybe it will help if you watch adult videos or go on a holiday swimming, massage spa whatever... some romantic things may help too...

but most of all... loving feelings for your spouse, night shower and a little scent, can light up desire

Posted by Ed (1 day ago)

[ Report Abuse ]



Try using this browser:


http://www.mozilla.com/en-US/firefox/all.html



erh thank you Ed but no i wont, i use the most popular browser in the world for a reason, adn if you choose to build your business on 3 % of worldwide users, then that'd be your choice.


thanks anyway

well, here's the question, just supposing you've asked, prodded, begged, pleaded and finally worn him down to agree to a 50 second quickie in between cricket and sleep, it's all had to be asked for, with no spontanaiety(?) and he's not really that into me then, is he? He claims to be, is really touchy-feely in public, and discusses (well, hints anyhow) of a really active sex life when we're with mates, but alas, all a fantasy.........................

We are formated for IE if that is the browser you are referring to...


IE is full of security holes and is a rubbish browser... Mozilla is far superior in both security and functionality. Worth the 2 minutes to download it

and if you're a woman? Nosleep, you make a lot of sense, do you mind me asking what you would do if your husband had booked a romantic anniversary break, without kids, for 1 week in Paris? We are leaving this weekend but have had no sex for over 8 months. He doesn't want to talk about it, says I'm nagging if I bring it up, and asks why I don't just "Wait and see......"


Maybe I should, but then again, will I feel twice as bad if there's nothing? And why would Paris make a difference?


I'd really welcome female and male perspectives....

So, Nosleep, have you and your husband be able to talk about it seriously? yep, i agree that only if your mate is willing to talk about it or this is going to kill the relationship slowly.


i always feel confused that my love to my wife seems changing slowly to a kind of love between family members, no passion, no sexual desire??!! i don't know, may be this is happening, may be i'm just confused. But if it is true, it's all because of lack of sex.

Stress?? I really don't think it can't kill the guy's sex desire. Even a CEO of global company, do you think that they have no sex for 1 month? They are also stressed too a lot!!! Be careful your hubby has another woman!


If the stress make him has no sex desire really, quit it as this job not over kill the relationship, but also kill himself!!

Stress? A male perspective.

Absolutley. It can really sap your sex drive.

My drive goes down a lot under stress. As I have got older it has a bigger effect.

But get me on holiday and wife and I are at it like teenagers again.

I have read this and similar threads w/ interest for a while now and would like to offer my own perspective.


My husband and I have been married for a number of years and have a child whom we both love dearly. In the beginning of our relationship, I was the one with a higher sex drive and my overtures would often get rejected when hubby wasn't in the mood. He was happy w/ making love twice or three times a week in the first year of our togetherness whereas I was keen whenever there was an opportunity :) Also, often the love making left me unfulfilled and I felt physical dissatisfaction (not emotional,mind you. Hubby was and is always tender afterwards and generous with cuddles and kisses).


After a couple of years of occasional rejection coupled with not being satisfied, my interest in sex waned. We had a lovely little one and I diverted my love and energy in mothering. The little one is big now and hubby still has his twice-a-week urge. However,I have completely lost mine for him. I do not find him attractive in a sexual/physical way any longer. He has put on weight...


I still feel desparate for the physical act sometimes and wonder what it would be like to feel the sheer physical fulfillment. However, I love my husband tenderly. He is a great father and I will never ever consider breaking the family for something as transient as physical pleasure. Because I care for him and do not want him to feel sexually dissatisfied (I at least know how that feels), we do have sex. I know he would like me to be proactive rather than accepting. I try to talk to him about it but he is not very open ot a discussion. Also, I don't want to hurt his feelings and pride. Bottomline is I think it would be selfish, if not foolish, of me to break an otherwise enriching relationship for this one thing...

a wife.... what a great wife you are. I'm very envious of your hubby.

It is nice to hear i am not the only woman going through this. My husband is great. Good job, fab dad, loving hubby BUT sex, uh uh, hardly at all if ever. He is away with work ALOT so the absence thing does not ring true. He just spent 3 weeks at home and he managed a quick (and i mean quick) the evening he got in and then did not touch me for the remainder of the time. I asked, i begged almost but he always had an excuse. I am gagging for it, my kids are not little uns anymore and i am pushing 40 and my sex drive is back with a vengance... his has almost disappeared. He is fit, handsome, earns good money. He is a great friend and i love being with him, but the sexual side of our life is GONE! I do not know what to do, i am attractive, fit and fun... is my sex life finshed forever, not sure what to do....

bone idle

that is indeed a pity..

if only i had a wife like u..i would be a happy man..

please ed dont delete this one...

thanks..

why don't you try to have a vacation just the two of you away from the noise of the city. arrange somebody to look for the children so you don't have to worry. bring her in a romantic place just like you were still boyfriends and girlfriends. may be you just have to bring back old times. hope it will work,hate broken families.

well well, this is a v comon problems... As a woman, I'd like to say that we need time, place and mood to have sex. Especially, if you just plan to have sex, most of us will just refuse.


some of the women just afraid to have bb again nor they thought u completed their tasks (have a child), stop having sex. if u really wanna have a good time of sex, maybe u can try to think think the first few months of your relationship. find back the passion and make u fall in love again with u

concor1 - surely you are joking to provoke a response otherwise I very much pity your husband/wife if you ever have any marital issues of this kind. Most people in commited and loving relationships are willing to work through these sorts of issues as a team rather than see it as a green card to have an affair

This might sound rude, but unless we have some medical condition that prevents us from doing so, we all have an obligation to satisfy our spouses sexual needs. You are being abused by your husband and you should make it clear that he needs to do whatever he needs to do to solve the problem.

Bone Idle,


I agree with what you implied, and with what others have said. You are entitled to the physical side of marriage, as well as the other sides.


It sounds to me as though you and your husband should be getting some help. Maybe talk to your GP first, to see whether there are some reputable therapists around who could help you as a couple.


A good sexual relationship can, and should, embody much more than just intercourse. Maybe you can explore the other aspects of physical intimacy, might lead to him recovering his appetite?


This is quite possibly a temporary, fixable, problem. I hope so, for the sake of your family's future happiness.

my husband don't want to have sex with me, what should i do... i am sexless....

As some of your contributors have noted, a woman's loss of interest in sex following childbirth is a very common problem. This should not come as a surprise to men, but, all too often, it does.

What some of us fail to understand is that all this stuff about hearts and flowers, boy-meets-girl, sex love and marriage is all, ultimately, about one thing: ensuring the survival of the species. This is why sex is so incredibly enjoyable. Is there such a thing as a bad orgasm? No. Why? It Nature makes it thus.

What happens when we fall "in love". As one of your contributors noted, scientists have identified a chemical which reacts in the brain to cause us to feel "in love". In reality, we are simply "in lust". This enables us to ignore all of those annoying habits about a partner which we, subsequently, might find to be intolerable. As they say -- "Love is Blind".

Nature encourages us to have sex as much as possible -- all the better to reproduce.

Women often complain that all men think about the sex. Well, that might be true, but it's not something for which we can be blamed -- we are simply wired that way. Infant mortality, these days, is not high but, but this has only been the case in very recent history - and then only in "advanced" societies. Nature encourages men to spread their seed as much as possible - to father as many children as possible knowing that, at least in the past, only a proportion of them would survive to grow up and look after us in our old age. And then do their bit to ensure the survival of the species.

Nature also ensures that many women would feel a total lack of fulfilment if they don't have a child. How many of us know women in their early 30s whose clock is ticking so loudly they can hear nothing else?

Again -- this is Nature at play: nature makes women desperate to have babies and men desperate to have sex.

And therein lies the problem -- because, in some cases, when a woman has her baby, she loses interest in sex because she has what she wants.

Of course, this comes as something of a shock to the man. Once the "apple of his woman's eye" and the centre of her attention, he now feels relegated to second position. Along comes the baby in whom the woman has an all-consuming interest (often, obsession) and with whom she has a connection which, in many cases, is far stronger and deeper than any which she has had with her man.

And, of course, she has had to carry this little bundle around with her for nine months and go through the trauma of giving birth. So, from a physical point of view, she is not going to want to rush back into sex until she has stabilised both physically. Then there is the emotional aspect -- postnatal depression is very common and often not recognized either by the sufferer or her partner.

Then there is the tiredness. Kids are very hard work. She can hardly be expected to attack sex with the same gusto as previously.

But this is something men find difficult to understand: pre-baby, the sex was probably great. Post-baby, it isn't.

Is this something they teach in prenatal classes these days? The fundamental, bewildering and quite unexpected change in the relationship?

Once man and wife were a couple. Now they are parents. The focus changes. That is the boy-meets-girl deal. You meet, you couple, you reproduce, you rear the children. Repeat the process ad infinitum.

So, from a woman's perspective, she has a child/children for whom she feels particularly responsible. They must come first. If she has energy left for her husband, then all well and good.

Men should understand this.

Equally so, however, a woman should understand how a man feels. Hitherto having been the centre of his woman's world, he no longer is. He might feel that he has fulfilled his purpose and is there simply to "bring home the bacon" mow the lawn, take out the rubbish, fix the video -- or whatever.

It is no less of an emotional shock to the man than it is to the woman.

I think it is true when they say that women need to feel loved to want sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved.

So, when baby turns up and, after (in many cases) many months of no sex, the man is looking forward to the restoration of sexual activity.

Of course most men could (or should) accept that there has to be physical recovery before a woman wants to have sex again. So far, so good. What is difficult for a man to understand, however, is the long-term loss of libido which often follows childbirth. He might sympathise with what the woman has gone through but he can never empathise. He may be quite happy to wait for the woman's body to recover but he is bound to feel that "there comes a time"...

A time when a woman should be happy to start having sex again.

And, if that time doesn't come, he will feel an intense sense of rejection.

If his libido is as rampant as before, but his wife has totally, or partially, lost interest in sex, this is a very hard pill for the man to swallow.

He wants things as they were before. Whether this is realistic is another matter.

So, where the sex life has deteriorated substantially, this is bound to have an impact upon the relationship. A man is bound to feel that he is now, well and truly, relegated to second position.

Sadly, in many cases, when the sex goes from a marriage, the rest soon follows.

What to do about this? Well, both parties must understand that was "the deal". The man should try and understand what a woman has to go through, both physically and emotionally when having a baby.

The woman should understand a man's deep sense of rejection when she does not wish to have sex with him after childbirth.

She should also understand the potential consequences of this situation continuing because, as we all know, if a man cannot get sex at home, he might look elsewhere.

Some would say that the woman might wish do at least something in order to release his sexual tension rather than simply say "I don't feel like it"

But he must understand that it will take time, love and understanding for a woman to return to her pre-birth sexual appetite.

I've just been reading a few of these posts. Very interesting topic and everyone has their views. I just find this site to be useful: www.themarriagebed.com I don't think the site has "all the answers" but once you're frustrated and think you've tried everything they have some practical things that you might not have thought of. At any rate, the articles are interesting and the discussion forums are helpful.