Posted by
cookie09
15 yrs ago
he is a wimp so you might be better off without him
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agree with cookie and tommy, wimp, totally.. jesus
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typical isnt it girls always something wrong with the man there is always 2 sides to the coin before you advise her to walk out and leave him find out why he insists to stay with his mother.
I dont think that he is a whimp there is a good reason why he moved back ever thought that there may be something wrong with nike maybe the daughter likes it better with grandma.
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Is you husband the only son and your mother-in-law is a widow? Just guessing. It sounds all too typical - the possessive mum who likes to compete for attention with the daughter-in-law. Have you told you husband how you feel about all this? And is there anyway a compromise can be made? Like you all don't get to live with her but just spend the weekend together? Just a thought.
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kashn
15 yrs ago
1. your husband does not have a normal relationship with his mother. A normal mother would want his son to be happy.
2. if your husband chooses (and it seems he already has) his mother over you, he doesn't really want to be with you. Unless, he does but cannot say no to his mother and in that case he's a big fat WHIMP. Simple as that.
This is not normal and you are right to stay away and not move in with his mother. Do you want your 5 year old daughter to grow up in thi environment?
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it sounds like the MIL has made her son the replacement 'husband/companion' figure. i respect my own MIL but your scenario would drive me insane. you are not being selfish - the mother is. it appears your husband has made the his choice. i would able to deal with it if he walked out on me. but the fact that he has walked out on our daughter - unforgivable. i agree with kashn, do you want your daughter to grow up and find a relationship where she too lives a life kowtowing to her MIL, and worst of all - thinking it is okay?
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ditch him, find someone who understands compromise, loves you and your daughter, and can get out from behind his mother's skirts...
lot's of men out there with a backbone looking...
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kashn
15 yrs ago
The fact that your husband hasn't even acknowledged YOUR feelings tells me it's time for you to make your own life with your daughter. You should not play second fiddle in your marriage.
It's not like his mother is old...she is 57! She can go and make friends, find a boyfriend, join social groups. She is being selfish.
You have one life and one life only. Do you want to spend the happiest time of your life in a miserable household? Your daughter will pick up on that. It's not healthy for her and most of all, not healthy for you!
I think it's time you gave your husband an ultimatum............
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i basically see nobody really truly speaking out against you walking out. sorry to say nike but you have to stop this and better do it quick as it seems to me that your husband still has a chance to stop it (has been only 6 months so far).
it might mean moving away from hong kong again though...
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I think YOU are the solution to your problem. Your husband has made his choice. Its time to make yours. Either you submit to his wishes, keep your family intact but totally live a miserable life or live life without him. It is just so easy for other people to say just to leave him but I know for you it is a decision that tortures your very soul. It is much easier decision if it only involves you but I believe you are also thinking about your daughter's future. Before making such a life changing decision for you and your daughter, it wont hurt if you ask Him for some guidance and enlightenment.
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Pyan
15 yrs ago
Nike,
Your MIL is a stubborn old woman whom has a "security defect" in her own personality. She is the stereotypical "princess" woman whom only decided that one child was more than enough pain to go through. Now she uses the "guilt" factor on your husband by saying the pain she went through giving labor and raising his MOMMA BOY attitude.
Your husband is a PURE retard and I don't see what made you marry him in the 1st place. If he's a man, he should be able to educate his mother about how he can create harmony in the family for everyone. Since he's surrounded by females in general.
Before you bounce, I think your daughter is the saddest one here. Caught in a drama that grown adults with vast experience should avoid having a child face. In the end, EVERY ONE of you, yes you also, is selfish for not thinking about the young one. As parents, it's your duties to create an environment that is both safe physcially, emotionally, and spiritually.
I would suggest you all go get a counselor, pastor, reverand, psychiatrist, etc. for EMERGENCY HELP!!!
If I was a friend of your family, I would beat the crap out of your husband...just because he's such a "fairy", in fact, he's not a MAN...he's just a BOY...and that is what you married...you were suppose to be HIS mother's replacement...
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Cmon people it's so easy to tell nike to bolt while sitting in our armchairs. But this should not be a decision taken lightly until all other solutions are explored. Perhaps her family can move to a flat that is close to his mother (same building if need be). That way son and mother are near each other without actually living in the same house.
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Nike, do you think you could be happy if you went back to your husband and his mum ? would you be able to forget and forgive this emotionnal blackmail ?
If you accept to go back, then it will be the same situation for any big decision... if you don't accept, then you break up ??
If he feels he is forced to come back to you, then you will hear about this story for months and years ! and you will be responsible for his mum troubles...
He should be clever enough to realise his future is with you and his daugther !
So... the solution is up to his mum !!
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Hi Nike
I sense a cultural issue here as well.
Are you all Chinese, ABC/BBC, western?
I ask because this is an asia site, and you also mentioned food issues.
I am also a bit confused, in you first posting you said your 'return from China', but the system says based in Guangzhou.
I am not inviting racist comment here.
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Despite the vile MIL, the issue here isn't about her. It's about Nike's husband and her relationship with him. Unreasonable MILs are everywhere but the reason why some marriages thrive and others don't, are not b/c of what they do but what their sons (ie your husband) allow them to get away with.
The important thing is whether Nike's husband is actively aware of what he is doing - i.e. choosing his mother over his wife and daughter. If so, I really don't see how this marriage could thrive (in which case, she would have to serously consider leaving him.) On the other hand, if Nike is able to sit down and have a proper talk with her husband AND he is able to understand how damaging his behaviour is on his core family AND is willing to change his behavior, then there is hope for the marriage. (If not, then maybe he does want to eventually become one of those sad old lonely bachelors you see in HK with high-waisted pants and uncombed hair sitting in a fast food shop chomping on transfat meals.)
Incidentally, if the husband is able to put his foot down, I would bet that the MIL would have no choice but to accept it. This can be achieved gradually (eg saying no to her once in a while and going from there), it doesn't have to be immediate. But again, this is something that the husband has to be on board with. Only by changing HIS behaviour, can you change the dynamics in this dysfunctional situation.
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Are you in India now? Get the hell out as quickly as possible, as you are more than aware threats to take children away are quite often acted upon.
This guy is a mummy's boy. He needs to be mothered. She needs her obedient son. It's a perfect match and there is no room for you or the daughter unfortunately. Go now, with you daughter, get somewhere safe and then think about your options.
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NY6
15 yrs ago
Nike
am sorry to hear this.
consult a lawyer soonest possible and walk your own path together with yr daughter.
he won't change. even if you move back and serve your MIL as she and her son expects it, there would be a time when she's unsatisfied for whatever reason and would agitate her son against you.
even if something happens to your MIL without you being involved, you may be the one afterwards to be blamed for whatever reason.
all my best wishes for you and your daughter!
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Housed, couldn't agree more to what you said! I myself have a mum spoiled by my late brother, the only son of the family. He never said no to mum even when he knew she was wrong!! She was increasingly maniplative because he allowed her!! So Nike, whether there is still hope in the relationsip depends on how your husband percieve/handle this. Talk to him. If it is possible, going to a counsellor with him may help. Wish you luck!
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He is not asking you to think about it, he is telling you what to think ! blackmail, threats... what a sweet man !! what kind of life are you expecting with him ? what sort of example do you want to give to your daughter ?
Find a lawer and see what you can do, let this man know you are able to fight ! whatever happens, you will still have a better life than with such a family !!
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NY6
15 yrs ago
nike
i wished i could and can imagine that all of here who commented would want to help you.
yet, the situation you are in seems difficult to be solved without yr husbands understanding/support/consent.
i also wish that the time comes (quickly) that he realizes how wrong he did to you and your daughter and makes up for it - hope dies last.
don't be too nice to yr MIL - as this could be interpreted as you being dishonest and yet don't be too bitter on her, as it might cause your husband to overreact.
take care.
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Nike, from the sounds of it, your husband is not prepared to meet you in the middle or even make any concessions whatsoever. I'm not sure how serious his threats are but I think you need to take steps NOW to protect yourself. As others have said, you should see a family lawyer as soon as possible. I would also start recording any phone conversations you have with him, or better yet, communicate through email so you can have a copy of anything he writes that could be deemed a threat (such as taking your daughter away from you). Of course, you must take extra care in your own communications with him.
I don't know Indian law but would find it very difficult to believe that a court will rashly take a child away from the mother unless they had very good cause (i.e. child's safety is jeopardized under the care of the mom etc.) In the meantime, do not do anything rash that will prejudice the courts against putting the child in your care. Specifically DO NOT take your daughter out of India, as this could be construed as kidnapping, a most serious criminal offence.
Best of luck.
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Indian matriarchs are difficult at the best of times.
If you are going to skip out with your daughter, then come to China and disapear. Once he has your daughter the Indian legal system is very corupt and impenetrable. Once he has the child, even if you have rights, you will find it hard to get to her. Even if he takes the child illegally you have little hope of getting her back, unless you are rich and connected.
China is a good country to disapear in, you should consider that as an option for you and your daughter.
I have a strong suspicion that mother never really accepted you, becuase you:
- were not chosen/arranged by family
- are not indian
My brother's wife is Indian, he is English. He is tolerated, but not accepted. But in her family's eyes she is only a woman, so it is less important.
I don't think you will win in a fight with mother. And in Indian families (and culture) the man is always right. The woman (even when the victim) is always the villain.
I honestly, and sadly, believe you are in a no-win situation. So if you are going to loose think about how you can loose on your terms.
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sicn
15 yrs ago
Nike, if I were you, I would be very careful about whose advice to take, because different cultures, different personal experiences and different countries make up huge differences of how to handle adversity of marriage. I guess you are an Indian national with Chinese heritage, who married into an Indian family AND currently living in India. I am surprised that you have so little preparation of what married woman’s role in your country. The problem you face if you follow some of the posters’ advices is not as simple as just going through a divorce. You are in a very unsafe situation if this kind of family stand-off continues. Certain extant of compromising, careful communication method is urgently needed to ease the current tension. I would not suggest you to go any further into this emotional war with your in laws because what you are planning to do might be dangerous in India and you would need a lot more help other than relying on the Indian legal system. I do not know exactly what the ideal solution is for you. I just want to remind you that if the current tension does not ease, you might be facing very dangerous situation.
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iwilltry, let me take your argument to the extreme: if you parents told you to kill your husband, would you do it to respect them or go against them?
i think the answer is obvious (i hope) but it demonstrates that respect for parents always has limits - the question is where these limits are.
my personal sense is that OP's mum is overstepping her limits and abusing the respect given to her not only by her son but also by her daughter in law
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iwilltry, sometimes even reasonable parents will do very unreasonable things like blackmail, bullying, etc. so yes my example was extreme but it proves the point that limits do exist.
i'd also like to ask you another hypothetical situation: if there was a fire at home and there is only time enough to carry two persons out of the burning home, which two you chose: yourself, the kid, your MIL?
again an extreme example, but it helps to clear the mind on where the priority should/could be. and i believe nike is exactly in such a situation where she has to make such a choice.
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nike,
You said she lost her husband 15 years ago? What was she like prior to a year or 2 ago? Was she like this too?
Mixed cultural marriages can be difficult. I have a g/f who is married to an Indian man and had alot of in-law issues that made her life miserable. After 10 years of marriage, she has chosen to end the marriage. They all live in N. America and are somewhat Westernized. I honestly do not think anything will ever change in your situation. I would'nt have a problem with him being close to his mother, but she is an adult and still young. She needs a social life of her own. She is being too needy and demanding of her son and letting him lead a happy life/marriage. If this is what he truly wants/it sounds like he does, let him be. You do need to move on and be happy in life. You are still young! Where is your family/parents? Are they able to help support you through this?
And yes, killing, is all so true with some cultures. It has happened many times in Canada.
I feel for you. Very difficult situation
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see iwilltry maybe that's really the difference: i tend to think before i do something not run blindly ;-)
on a different note, i do have many indian friends and many of them obviously have a lot of family and friends in india. quite some of these indian friends in hong kong tell me that nowadays they themselves are amazed with how much rules and unhappiness indians back in india put up with. they say they are now so happy to be in hong kong and lead a more reasonable life...
i actually have another idea for nike: why not propose to move to hong kong (between china and india) together with the MIL? maybe she needs to be pulled out of her comfort zone to understand how much misery she is creating not just for nike but surely also for nike's husband
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Nike, though I felt sorry for your situation, but I don't see how your MIL is involved in every aspect of your life. Some of the things you mention like she will get withdrawn, MIL not happy if the son didn't give her gifts etc, could these be all on your mind only, because it is obviously you don't like her so naturally you will be very sensitive to her every move and maybe give it some interpretation of your own. I mean I just couldn't imagine a man knowing/living with you for 14 years will just like move back to his Mom and practically is ready to give his family up just like that.
In a sense, you may not have notice it, but it is clear to me that subconciously you are competing with her for your husband's attention. Running away is not going to solve your problem, and it may worsen, judgeing from the input by iwilltry, I am thinking Indian family must be a very close knit one, so he is not going to give up her daughter that easily and you have to risk not having the custody of your child, it will be very very painful for a mother not to be able to take care of her own child when she is growing up. Have a closer look at SICN and mothergoose's reply.
Please think carefully and don't rush into any decision, have u talk to your own family, see how they can help u...maybe your Dad and Mom can talk to your husband and work out something in between..
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Well none of us here know you nor your husband so it's just the perspective of someone else far removed from your reality.
It's easy to say cut and run.. but i would say think carefully about it. Buy time and clear your mind so you know that whichever decision you take in the end it's the proper one.
A lot of people have valid points.
i'm an indian, married to westerner and what tigerbay says is true. my hubby is tolerated but not exactly accepted. But that's also to say that the way my hubby relates to parents is not the same as my sister's husbands are - and they are all indian. If i did take it into my head to leave him, they'd say 'finally'!
I can imagine horrible indian mother in laws, so all my sympathies to you.
But that aside, it sounds like whatever relationship there was between you and your hubby is a bit weak at the moment.
Indians do have lots of realtives and friends and social circles ares really big. it's good and bad, can be fun and aggravating.
I'd say consider your options carefully - what life would be without hubby and how he could make life difficult.
Try to win her over would be an option. Indian movies are often based on the theme of the daughter-in-law that comes around. so they're well be able to relate to that. I think mothergoose's suggestion is excellent. you give her gifts invite her over to your house often, go buy her saries or earings or whatever as a surpirse. Hubby will be happy that you are making the effort and motherin law will come around. cook chinese food and invite the relatives over.
DONT TAKE HER OUT OF HER ELEMENT - LIKE BRINGING HER TO HK. GOD YOU'D HAVE TO ENTERTAIN HER ALL THE TIME.
But if you decide to run, run now, run fast and run as FAR away as possible so he cant find you again. but first make sure ofcourse that you dont want to be found again. TB is right, the indian police are corrupt and as a foreigner you would get nowhere.
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That's a shame, he shouldn't even be considering his own mother let alone choosing her, don't worry about the brainwashing, indians are like that (I am half indian) Don't worry about threats either take your daughter and get away. There's no point being weak and worrying about what he will do, in the eyes of the law he can't really threaten you.
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nike, where asre your parents? Are they able to help you out? Are you from China? Can you run with your daughter and seek lawyers help in China?
He is very demanding and threatening and will not change. You have done alot to try to 'win' her over. It sounds alot like, since you are not of the same nationality, she will never fully accept you. There is better on the other side.
i willtry, those are NOT minor things. Maybe for you it is, cause it is natural for you in that you are IndiaN. I do NOT consider all the issues minor. I think nike would prefer to live a hapy life, without an annoying MIL
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Hi, believe me when I say I understand what you are going through because I went through it myself for 8 years and I was miserable.
However, contrary to what others have advised you to do, I made a decision to stay. Why? Because I am quite happy with my husband and daughter.
I have changed my way of thinking and it took me 8 years to finally be at peace with my decision. Why? Instead of feeling so bitter, I've tried to understand the family dynamics. Everybody fears her, including my husband. She makes decisions for the whole family. The family has allowed her this power for a long time. It is a fact that I cannot change. In the same way, it is a fact that you cannot change also.
However, think of how sad it is for a controller to never accept another person's opinion or respect another's way of life? Then think of how sad it is that she has nothing "important" to do so she tries to be important by controlling your lives? When I started feeling sorry for her, I was able to feel some affections for her and truth be told, felt I could relate to her. I am a mother myself. What joy it would be if my daughter involves me in her life! How wonderful it would be if she accepts my advises and makes me feel valuable even if I'm not right all the time? Wouldn't you want that also? I tell myself that I should treat others how I wish to be treated myself.
Then I have learnt another lesson as well in the process which is learning to stand up for my own rights for things I truly believe in. If it's something trivial, I just let it be (why not flatter her the way I woud love to be flattered) but if I truly believe in something, I just say "no" politely. If she doesn't get it, smile, but you do not need to follow through with it. She tells me, "I want her in a local school". I say, "No". She insisted and what did I do? I enrolled her in an international school. When she said, "Why did you do that?" I replied, "I think it is best for her".
The bottom line is this.... she is just another mother like you and me. She HAS feelings. She WANTS to be a part of her children's lives. She WANTS to be important, she has lost her husband and only has her kids, wrong as this may be. And you do need to follow her every wishes nor do you need her approval.
Another example I could give you. I wanted to take my daughter out for lunch and I called to tell my MIL. MIL said, "No you can't take her. I don't like your friend's kids". I replied nicely but firmly, "They will be here at 12.30 so I'll come to pick my daughter up at 12.15. I'll get her ready myself when I reach your house." When I arrived, she said, "I don't like your friend's kids and ......" and I replied, "I understand, my friend's kids are always sick but I'll handle it and sorry, we have to rush off, they are waiting for us at the restaurant. I'll bring her home at 1pm. Thanks so much".
When I think about my 8 years and how I hated my husband for putting me through it and not taking my side, I think that I wasn't right all the time also. Whether or not I admit it, I didn't respect her for her opinions or advises either. I just brushed her off. If my children did that to me in future, I'd be crushed.
The only thing I feel uneasy about in your situation is that your husband is making you choose. By doing this, it is disrespectful. The question is, whether or not he wants to save this marriage if he could ask you something like this. You have to go talk to him.
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Nike, please leave immediately and secretly.. dont even tell your friends there. Dont give a hint like you are going somewhere like packing or shipping furnitures. You have a daughter... and you know what's like being a girl in India... she is so young to be taken away from you.. Please leave... We will all pray for you and your safety.. Imagine your daughter in a coldless family with your husband and MIL.. how can she stand it.. She does not deserve this..
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gemma, what was the role of your husband?
my point to nike is not only the role of the MIL but i also think that her husband plays a very sad role, no spine at all. would you want to be married to someone like this?
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Okay, here's the thing. My husband is terrified of his mother and he lets her say whatever she wants so it's not like he is totally supporting me. I just put it down to how he has been brought up. If his dad daren't go against her, what hope do I have that my husband will do so as her child? And if that is how his family dynamics have always been, what right do I have to change it or force my ways upon him?
However, he does tell me that he understands his mother is difficult and he tells me to just agree with her but whatever we do after that is up to us.
It isn't always easy because when she gets into a "state", he feels torn apart and sometimes blames me for the friction. But now, for me, instead of waiting for something to happen, then telling him afterwards how horrible my MIL is, I handle her myself when something happens. By handling it WHEN it occurs, it stops me from dwelling on it. Sometimes I do mention it to him but instead of insulting her or blaming my husband for my life because he doesn't have a backbone (like I used to do ALL the time), I actually just tell him calmly and laugh about it. He also responses better this way. For example, he will nod sympathetically. Then everyone's better off.
The thing is, I have a choice. I can blame others for my life and my misery OR I can take responsibility for it. I'm choosing the latter.
"I do not mind to stay with MIL if I have support from my husband"
The thing is I didn't always get that in the past. What I did was I changed my attitude and stopped relying on him for support.
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I am Indian and I call it the Indian boy syndrome.The son feels guilty and sometimes even supports 2 or 3 families. But you see we have no social security in our country, so it is ok.Also no woman likes it though, whatever ethnicity. My sister who lives in India is the only daughter in law, so it's even worse. For us we are the ones abroad, so money just grows on trees and we send it.:-))). All issues related to MILs .My sis tells me it is ok for me to advise her as I stay far away and meet MIL for 4 days a year. Now after 20 some years, my sis has her own house and MIL has hers close by and her husband still goes there for lunch and so do the kids.Isn't my sis smart, does not have to cook but cooks for herself lunch and dinner is at her place for her family and complains abt it too.She gave me good advice,"Never ever badmouth yr MIL to yr husband.Mistake No.1.Play the same game. Be nice.Praise her and he will love you even more." People don't change, you have to change yourself and feel less hurt, show you are happy and most importantly be happy.I too know my MIL has faults and sometimes my husband can see that but he only sort of gives an embarrassed laugh,nothing more.Now she is old and I forgive her. I never ever say anything to her, she manipulates everything and everybody.Why am I giving you such a big story.There are different issues involved, different for all of us but end of the day,you will have to adjust or go separate.Also once kids are involved, difficult ---. Not all boys are like that, my own brother does not even bother to visit his mom, forget stay with her.I prefer my husband's attitude to my brother's.If he cares for his mother, he cares for you too. Indians do not have mothers' day and father's day as every day they look after their parents.May be your husband is on the extreme.I don't know.And I even know Caucasian MILS who are the same. I am sure it is not abt race, but personality.You can just read what we all write but decide for yrself and how much you can take.
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I had a similar case as you but we left the MIL 2 years ago. Luckily her daughter and the husband to 'replace" us. She has someone to manipulate, and they are happy to save money.
Even after we moved out her shadow is hovering still, as my husband feels guilty and we argue over small things that involves his mum. But luckliy it gets better. And at least, he chose us.
But I think your husband has real problems and not standing on your side. And your MIL is relatively young... she will be around for a long time. You can only look forward to freedom in 25 yrs.
BTW. Is your MIL chiu chow-nese?
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Manipulative MIL's come from all nationalities. I had a boyfriend for 3½ years whose mother hated me with a passion. There were no racial barriers but the fact that nobody was good enough for her baby boy (only boy) was enough to make her despise me. They are southern Italians and we are Northren Italians (then in Australia). His parents bought him a new Lexus for splitting up with me...harsh!
My MIL is manipulative to an extreme but luckily my husband has his father's headstrong mindset and will not stand for it. As a result we've not had any contact with her for over 18 months. It's a sad situation but more emotianally healthy for us. I've asked my husband multiple times if he'd like to try to make contact again but he replies that it's not worth it if we have to constantly tiptoe around her.
The unfortunate recipient of her blackmail and abuse now is her other son, my BIL who is intellectually handicapped and unable to stand up to her. She uses him as a pawn against her ex husband by making him feel guilty if he sees his father. He's a 25 year old man with the emotional and intellectual capacity of a 7 year old and spends a lot of time crying. She's so cold and horrible that she'd rather have her younger son in tears all the time to hurt her ex husband than to see her son happy.
Manipulative people, women and men, come from all nationalities and walks of life and you can't change them unless they can be pursuaded to see how destructive their own behavious is.
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My cousin has the same experience as you. She was once married to an indian man, moved to india but her life is so miserable that she called me one day and asked me to wire her some money and I did,next thing i know she was on a plane with her son, and now back home she's happily married again. i had asked her once why did she left her husband and she said, it's like her husband is married to his mother(no sexual thing of course) instead of her, as the years pass by she could no longer indure as her MIL's demands are going extreme. Not all Indians are like that son and that MIL of course but it was part of thier culture I suppose. Now, we can all say RUN or Stay and be miserable.....the choice is yours, i don't think counselling would work when culture is in place.
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nike,
you should really consider going somewhere that have good laws to protect you and yoru daughter. Are you legally able to reside somewhere other than India or China? Your husband and MIL sound like horrible people to do this to you.
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Sounds like he's never going to cut those apron strings, so you're better off cutting him loose! Your MIL has no respect for you and neither does your husband. Give him an ultimatum, grow some b*lls and come back to his family or you're leaving HIM with your daughter to find a real man!
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i want to ask you, do you need your husband's financial support? if not, i feel you may consider to leave him for thinking. although you have a 5 years old daugther, you may ask her if she would like to live with you or your husband, in case , you need to work, she may be back to your husband's home, let his mon take care of your daughter. i believe time will pass, his mon's attitude / mind will change, and treat you better than the past.
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Are you guys nuts? The general rule is that behavior predicts behavior. I have seen this scenario a hundred times and have seldom seen a 'happy ending'. This is not about the MIL's needs - it's about his. He continues to make decisions that are adverse to his marriage, his wife and his daughter. He is a classic 'mama's boy' and that characterization is culturally neutral. A real man, in any society, protects his family - granted there is a need for loving compromise sometimes but there is no option for compromise here, no sensitivity, no compassion. He has made his choice - now make yours. Every journey begins with the first step and it is always the hardest to make. Making the decision is the hard part.
I am not suggesting that your decision should be to leave - that is your choice - you just have to decide what you can live with. Whichever road you take you must do it positively and with no regrets or remorse or you will always be haunted by 'what if'. Once you choose a great burden will be lifted.
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Nike......
look at the odds ........most say leave .
l say LEAVE.
There's no making excuses for this Selfish idiotic manipulative old lady.(not so old actually so do u want to spend the rest of your life in her shadow)
This is TOTALLY not normal behavior the guy is a loser .
btw i am indian and without being racist this is a COMMON problem in india.
I have a fantastic rel with my MIL but thats because i have a husband who doesnt chose between MIL and Wife ......and makes it very clear that she is a guest in our house and we in hers. She doesnt DARE mess around knowing her son wont stand for it and we all are happy.
Your hubby is a totall mamma's boy and a total WHIP
Throw in indian male ego ......forget counselling people.
Indian legal system is a mess , you can pay off anybody anytime.
RUN while you can. Actually i would say leave with your head held high , you have done nothing wrong he has.
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Nike,
If you ask me you should not even be thinking about whether his mother, him or you feels depressed and out of it because one of you three will nlot get what you want.
You should be thinking about the 5 year old innocent in all this and do what is best for her - in the ultimatum situation you will be strssed and depressed and she will feel that in absolutely everything you do and say - she will suffer unnecessarily because you three adults are all selfish and want to win in a situation where there is definitely going to be pain and anguish.
I think you better admit that his love for you is not as strong as you thought and it would have sufaced one way or another in the future so please give yourself and your 5 year old daughter the future you both deserve but most of all put her first in everything you do until she is truly old enough to fully understand adults which I think is quite a few years away. Do not pretend with your husband or his mother when you can be true to yourself and your daughter - IT JUST AINT WORTH IT.
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nike, by staying in this relationship, u're setting a bad example for ur daughter. would u want ur daughter to be abused in this kind of relationship and stayin it????
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Nike,
wonder if you are still reading the responses here
my suggestion is
Stay.. here is a wonderful opportunity for you
Go back and say to him sweetly that you "sacrificed your likes/lifestyle etc etc for him, his mom and for the happiness of the family".
say the same thing emotionaly to him 1000 times a day.
beat her in her own game.
it is your family and your house.. stay and claim back yr happiness, no one has the right to take away yr happiness.
you just need to be strong and strategic , your hubby doesn't have a spine and you can use it to yr favour..just play it right, it will take some time but it will work.
I know it doesn't sound easy
but remember none of the options out of this situation are easy .. so stay and fight back in the same style.
Gd luck
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another, i dont really understand your strategy there. so she says it to him and then? he will say 'good, now go and do everything for my mom'
and then nike is back to square one, or did i miss something?
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rwbhk
15 yrs ago
Nike,
Life is too short to allow someone (be they family or not) to make your life a misery.
If you put as much effort into starting a new life with your daughter as you have been forced to endure due the behaviour of your MIL and husband - I am certain your life will move on in a much more positive way. Good luck
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Guy's perspective
From the outside it surely looks like what some ppl have been calling ur husband, but to keep it simle and objective...which will take a lot f courage and endurance from your end...Its seems that there is a lot of "Relationship Healing" which needs to be done, both between U & ur Spouse and between Spouse & MIL.
I would suggest, give him time to spend with his Mom, without you & baby and then spend time with him, which may include your girl too. Apparently all involved in the situation arent getting emotional satisfied, which of-course leads to other areas getting neglected.
Let both ur MIL and Husband be emotionally satisfied, then he will spend time with u
Hope it helps...all the luck!
ciao
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readign throug this postings, I couldnt help not writing somethin here.
I can very well understand the 'long arm of the MIL" and the 'hold' they obviously have on their son. soemtiems the son may know that they are being manipulated but they cannot say no to their mother- guilt, respect, whatever the reason may be. on top of that, he is Indian, and among Indians respecting the mother who is consider the ' laksmi' of the house/home, is soemthign that the son and children would not go against. the only one who can make up the decision is you. however, if you decide to stay on with your husband, for whatever reasons, then you have to bear with MIL, no escaping htat, and no reason to delude yoursefl that your husband might change oneday. but if you decide to leave then you have to do it quickly and not delay it further - personally I would say, leave, such kind of man is not worth to sacrifice your life for, when he will always take his mother's side...
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Your husband is not drawing healthy boundaries for his Mother - I suggest you take him to a marriage therapist.
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This guy will always be on his mothers leash, you might want to think about that.
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There never been a good reason for a MAN to return to live with his mother , the gentleman in question is obviously a complete wuss and well rid of. His mother also must take a lot of the blame for the situation and should be giving him the heaveho.
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the man is not worthy fo you or your kid, make mind clean , take care dear!
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This situation reminds me of a joke. Two Jewish matrons were discussing their friend. "She is so worried" said one, " Her son has been diagnosed with Oedipus Complex". "Oedipus Scmoedipus " ,Said the other," As long as he loves his mother." sic
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nike
15 yrs ago
It's been a very long time since I have posted anything, and I just wanted to thank all of you who took the time to comfort me with your words, and give me the courage and inspiration to do what is right for me.
Well, the marriage is over, I have ended it. I laid low for a while since I was busy making my plans. I decided to enroll for a Phd program and also started applying to various jobs. And guess what- my Phd. proposal got accepted and I have already submitted my first chapter! I have moved into a little flat, not luxurious, but functional- and am doing great. It's not easy- but I have a life!!!
I am happy- and my daughter is doing great too. I won't be posting again because I do not want my husband to locate me. Thanks a million to all those who supported me- you'll never know just how much your words helped. Lots of hugs and kisses and smiles!!!
Truly,
A woman empowered.
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awesome and congratulations. really happy you took the right step for yourself and your daughter!
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