Posted by
MC JUNG
18 yrs ago
I second alk.
You'd be loathed either way, they make up or they split. I mean if you went ahead to tell the hubby.
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Been in the exact same situation, but it was the man doing the dirty. Actually had known them quite some time and both good friends.
I said nothing to the wife (not my place) and the guy wanted to stay at my place.....which I conceded for one night only then told him he couldnt stay as I was friends to them both. And told him only once that I wasn;t going to report to the wife BUT he had to go dump the fling/fantasy/filly and go home OR be honest with the wife, and that I would not be intermediatry between them.
Anyhow, he took the later option, she remarried adn I am friends with her and not him.....awkward situation MPL but sounds like yuo are doing the appropriate thing.
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mpl, once tried to stay totally neutral in the same situation but both parties felt I was 'disloyal' by keeping in touch with the other. They've now married other partners and NEITHER speak to me!!!!!
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I agree with JWM ... it's their problem and they need to sort it out. It's not fair that they are both looking to you for support and both asking you questions. Whatever happens, if you interfere at all, you're going to be letting one or the other down. Best to tell them both in no uncertain terms that you don't want any part in it. Tell them they need to communicate with each other and sort out their own problems. I don't believe that anyone has an affair (man or woman) unless there is some problem already within their marriage ... and they are the only ones who can do anything about it. Just let them know that you care for them both, but it really is up to them to out their lives.
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I was once in the same situation--my friend's husband was cheating on her and she had no idea. The husband confided in me and I tried to talk some sense into him by making him realize what he's risking just for a booty call-turned-affair.
He pleaded for me not to tell on him and promised that he will stop. A few months later, my friend found out and she was devastated. She also had suicidal tendencies and I didn't want to further aggravate the situation by telling her that I knew all along and didn't tell her.
Anyway, their marriage is now annulled, the ex-wife and I are still very good friends. I still see the guy socially cos he used to be my neighbor.
Sometimes, I wonder if I should tell her..It has been almost 6 years since they separated, but I realize that telling her will not produce positive results. Maybe it's not the right time. Or maybe there will never be a right time. Some secrets are meant to stay secrets.
MPL, go with what feels right in your gut. Good luck
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MPL
you are doomed either way unless you act soon.
COuld you say to them both, at the same time:
"look, it appears yo are both having some sort of marriage problems, I am your friend NOT a marriage guidance shrink, so here's your appointment card, time and address, and I'll hear no more of it from either of you until you've had 3 sessions - ok!"
she was mean to drag you in, you've been compomised, and you need rapid out. Also, down the track if it does belly-up, then the husband wil blame you for supressing info and delaying what could have been resolved before it was too late if you had told him etc.....and she'll blame you for not telling him or something also bizaar.
If you withold and don't distance yourself then you will lose, perhaps even if they get back to gether the husband will have a sour taste in his mouth that his wife felt she could confide in you, rather than with another girl and he was the last to know.
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Kegel
18 yrs ago
say to the wife ... "if you dont tell him , i will the next time the subject comes up"
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Hi mpl,
I am with most people on this thread. Their marriage problems are not your problems AT ALL. I honestly think it was not right of the woman to put that knowledge onto you; however perhaps she thought at the time that she had to "spill the beans" and thought you were the best one to turn to. Nevertheless, you do need to act fast, and whatever you do, you need to be clear and firm about it to both parties.
I had this same situation last year, but it was with my own parents. They split up, and I am an only child so they felt they had no one else to turn to but me to "tell all" about the other one and I was pretty much used as a tennis ball being hit from one to the other. I was absolutely brainwashed and began to feel depressed and guilty. I understand that these are not your parents; however from your words here I can tell that you value your friendship with these people. If you want to keep the frienship, I suggest you stand your ground.
I got to the stage with my parents where I told them both calmly but firmly that even though I am their child, I am not married to them. It was their marriage and they had to work out their problems for themselves. As a result, they respected me more for standing up for myself and leaving them to it. In the end my parents did not stay together, but they sorted their stuff out themselves as mature adults. Now I have good separate relationships with them both.
I think you need to take the same stance in your situation. They may or may not stay together, but don't blame yourself if they don't. Even if it takes a while, if they know a good friend they will be able to put themselves in your shoes and have some compassion for the difficulites you are experiencing right now too.
It's a really difficult one, and I know it's horrible. Best of luck!!!
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Well, it all depends on how you feel. If you feel he has the right to know and it is your duty as a friend..then why give her the option to tell him or you will. If you feel it is not your place, then don't do anything. It must terribly confusing and frustrating for you to know whats going on.
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cujo
18 yrs ago
mpl,
I've been reading your posts for the past couple of months, and have always been impressed by your insight, judgment, and compassion. If anyone can figure out the best way to handle this situation it's you.
Having said that, I'll still offer a few comments. The top priority should be the interests of the kids, which ideally means that your friends work this out. As long as you believe that there is a reasonable chance that H and W can work this out, don't do something that will kill that possibility. You apparently have spoken with W at some length about her feelings and still believe that there is a chance she will return to H. Conversely, your earlier post suggests that H would not take her back if he knew W had been having an affair. If that's the case, then telling H what you know would end any hope of reconciliation, which is not in the best interests of the kids.
The interests of the kids should not be the only consideration here, or course, but it is far ahead of whatever comes in second. The best interests of the kids will vary according to the situation. For example, I wouldn't advise H and W to stay together just for the sake of their kids if they would be bickering all of the time - that would serve no one's interests. But I don't think it has to turn out that way if they both will make the commitment to try to work things out. I agree wholeheartedly with Tiger01's suggestion regarding counseling.
W (and perhaps H if he finds out about the affair), needs to carefully consider the results of a break up. It's tough enough on kids anytime their parents break up, but this situation is potentially worse since their parents could end up living on different continents. Would H and W end up in an intecontinental custody battle? How damaging could that be for their kids? I suspect that this is at least a part of the reason that W has not moved away to be with her lover.
Anyway, trust your own excellent judgment. Personally, I don't think that you will end up losing either H or W as friends over this, because I think that ultimately H will understand that you did what you thought was right.
Best of luck.
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one more thing-- if i was being cheated on- and put yourselves in that situation- i would definitly want to know- if my friends couldn't tell me what was going on I would no longer consider them friends..once I knew the truth then I could make judgements myself
also- how did you find out that she was cheating?
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Yes but we call that empathy or sympathy- and its a good thing to have...the best way to understand their situation is trying to see it from each of their points of view.. I guess you are in a no-win situation since you can't take sides, right?
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wow.. you are damned if you do, and you are damned if you do not. If you were MY friend.. I would expect you to tell me, and I would not speak to you if I found out later that you knew all along. But that is just me.
tell both of them that you do not need to be in their buisness and to stop confiding in you and asking you questions. If they want to know something they need to go to each other for answers.
If the wife throws a hissy fit then tell her she needs to fess up or you will fess up for her. Otherwise keep you out of it.
By the way, not all men walk when they find out their wives are cheating. Some actually stick around and fight like hell.
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You may wish to consider not suggesting that you will tell if she doesn't - because then you would be actively involved.
Really, it may well be best if you distance yourself from both, yet tell them as a friend you really strongly suggest they talk or get martial guidance. Depends if the woman wants the other guy or her husband.....try not to be a counsellor yourself, if at possible, because if it runs aground they'll both blame you, and you'll feel aweful!
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My gut feeling is that if I were in mpl's shoes, I'll surely tell my friend his real situation. This is what a good friend's for.
Well, I just told my cousin last night that her son is clearly a gay. She was shocked and I tried my very best to help her look at the bright sides of the story --- his son is not blind or handicapped.
Always believe that sharp pain is better than long-lasting pain.
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Regarding threatening to tell the husband or even worse, telling him, I think it's not really mpl's role to chose!
If the couple are going to fix their problems and get back together, in some cases, it surely is preferable that the existence of the fling (sounds more like a "revealing factor" or a trigger than the actual root of the problem) is not even known at all.
Especially if it's going to hurt and damage beyond repair something that can be otherwise mended and worked on. It could blur the actual dominant issues between them if it was to become just something about an affair. I.E. the affair can be the problem, but it can only be a side-effect of it, and it would be a shame to ignore the real issues at that stage.
And even if it's a major factor in the story, it's up to the wife alone to decide if and when to talk about it with her husband.
Why considering that it is a due fact that she should absolutely tell him?
Surely their marriage is/was having other problems for something like that to have happened in the first place? Problems they need to address in priority.
(PS: I have not been unfaithful, and this was done to me as an expression of something else, and I think I'd have been better off not knowing and only hearing about what problems were lying behind!)
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mao
18 yrs ago
We all have a right to consult, to offer help, to judge. But we're not god. We should also give people the space and time to go through the process themselves, to learn from their own mistakes and lessons. Just be there to give support as a friend when they need you.
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