feeling self-destructive

Hi: My family have been here for about 10 years. My husband has somehow changed in the past few years. Being a Caucasian here in Hong Kong, he receives more attention from girls wherever we go. He goes out at least twice a week to drink and gets home fairly late. He comments negatively on everything I do or say. He doesn't even look at me whenever we go out. He also shows no interest in sex at all. We haven't touched each other for over 7 months. He makes me feel invisible and worthless around him. He gives me no attention at all. Occasionally he will show a little friendliness when he's in a good mood. Most of the time, he's just a perfect stranger who doesn't want to be bothered or talked to. I don't know how to behave and what to say around him any more. There is hardly any verbal communication or any sorts of connection between the two of us. I'm otherwise a self-confident and positive person with a likable personality and attractive appearance. Living in an environment like this is damaging my spirit deeply. I frequently have self-destructive thoughts. I feel dry and hollow inside. I've been thinking of leaving this dis-functional marriage. But we do have two young kids and I love them so deeply and will do anything to protect them from going through a divorce. What is it that I can do for myself?

Hi: The first thing I would do is try to find out if he's cheating on you. From his behavior, it sounds like he may be. If that's a deal-breaker for you, then it may point you into a decisive direction. I hope it's not the case though.

actually i would suggest something else that going on a detective session: i can understand what might be happening with your husband here in HK and I think you need to make a substantial change in his behavior to salvage this relationship - for your own sake, your kid's sake and your husband's sake.


i would have a heart-to-heart chat with him and tell him that if he doesn't change right away, you will walk away from the relationship including everything that this entails (ie. kids, money, etc). from my experience your husband simply got too comfy here and needs a jolt to his life to understand what is going on. a serious threat of divorce should be such a jolt.


if he doesn't react, then you have lost him anyway and should walk. if he does, then be clear what you want. (e.g. i don't see any reason why you can stipulate that he only goes out once a week until x time and with you together, etc).

the problem here is that for most men growing old is inevitable but growing up is optional


hubby has been taken back to the carefree days when he was single and thought that every female that glanced his way was interested in his dashing looks and virility


so, he's kinda feeling like you're a millstone round his neck and behaves accordingly while he struggles to sort out his feelings


feelings ????. what feelings, you might well ask ?


well, for one, feelings about whether this a turning point in his life, whether he should go on with the charade or to seize the day and live the fantasy, feelings about you and the kids, feelings about his mortality and the fact that the clock is ticking down, feelings of whether he could handle the hurt for all involved, feelings of how it will all end...............and so on


you see, men are unlike women. Women contemplate life's trials and tribulations constantly through living not only their own lives but that of others around them, of the stars in the soaps, of friends of friends who are the subject of the latest gossips, etc. This keeps them sane and well grounded.


Men, on the other hand, have more important things to think about such as the next round of the FA cup, the Ashes, next year's World Cup, the Superbowl, etc


But when cupid comes calling, everything changes and they suddenly become a philosopher and start contemplating life's meaning and the Lord's plan for them in the grand scheme of things. He is the most dangerous at this point.


He mistakes fantasy for reality, lies for logic, flattery for truth, and the sudden rush of adrenalin for strength and fortitude.


Under such circumstances, DO NOT confront him. You will only give him the ammunition he needs to self-destruct.


The best thing to do is to call his bluff. This often has the effect of bringing him back down to earth.


Tell him is a nice, soft, sad, and resigned manner that you know what is going on. Splash a drop of water in the eyes for dramatic effect. Time your revelation to get the most effect. The best time to do this is when he is in one of his nicer moods when he least expects it


Then tell him you understand his need for freedom, that he's made it very clear to you and the kids that you are a millstone round his mortal neck, that it pains you so much to see him in such pain (try not to laugh at this point), that you are prepared to let him go as you know that to love is to let go. Then, before he comes out of his shock, plant a timely and soft, gentle touch on his face as you say to him "for what it's worth, I love you"..............then turn and walk away slowly into the bedroom and look out the window towards heaven


then sit back and watch what happens over the next few weeks


if he returns to your side and apologises for his stupidity, accept graciously and slowly but surely reassert your position and do not ever again fall for the belief that he is a grown man. Treat him like a juvenile and reign him in like a child in a candy store.


if however, he suggests the D word, well as cookie said, you've lost him anyway, so best to make sure you screw him for everything you can get!


move on, life is too short to put all your eggs into one bastard!

"Revenge is an act of passion; vengence of justice"


Samuel Johnson

Thank you all so much for your replies! I'm touched by your words. They brought tears to my eyes knowing that there are so many caring people out there. I will take it all in and deal with it from the position of strength. I have talked to him and written him letters in the past. We've always had our ups and downs. It's sort of a pattern. We've been married for almost 13 years and with two kids, I don't want to just leave all of this behind. I just have to figure out a solution. I will have a heart to heart chat with him one more time. And I will even splash a drop of water in my eyes too. Thanks again for all your advice!

Wow!!! You are so lucky Monicacha, they all have great replies. I wish i have had that years back. Looking back and seeing me now with my kid, I got ( nice smile).What Gee Whiz said was so similar to how I did. And you know what, now he repents and asked for forgiveness and I replied, you had long been forgiven since day one you made that mistake but that does not mean I can accept you back now. I just have to thank you for you made me wise and strong.


Wish you the best Monicacha, you can do it better.

Dear Monica,

I wish you strength and pray that you will find the solution to your troubles.

Marriage is a tough thing to navigate.... it is the same for all of us dear!

Whatever your decision may be, know that life goes on and no single situation, problem or heartbreak goes on forever.

There's always an end to evrything and as my mother said... the only permanent thing in this world is CHANGE!

Live , forgive, move-on or stick by your man.... choices you and only you can make, but know that God is an all knowing God and will never give you more than what you can take :)

Dear Monicatcha,

First of all I want to say that I don't care at all about what your husband is going through. He's not my concern, and he sounds like he is getting what he needs to survive. Who I care about is you.


My dear, no one deserves to feel abandoned, lonely and of no account in a relationship.


Presumably you came here to further your husband's career. What you got is the typical expat experience. Believe me - it will end worse for him than you if he continues to behave in this way.


But first things first. My dear, start looking after yourself. Spend money. Get that hair done. Do some fitness. Be nice to yourself. Start going out with the girls. Learn something. Forget about getting a job. Take up tennis or something, dancing... anything to feel the wind in your hair, and life flowing back into your soul. Your husband has emotionally abandoned you. Build yourself up again. Live your life. Get your nails done appreciate yourself. Get some new makeup, a photoshoot of you and the kids.


When you've done that, and start to feel good about yourself, you won't need his approval for your self esteem to rise. You will know you are a perfectly good woman who has life ahead of her.


From a stronger perspective of self-esteem, you will be able to make healthy decisions about yourself and your future.


My dear, believe in yourself, and act in your own self-interest.


At this point it's gone too far to do anything about him just yet.


It's you I care about. Life is worth living with or without him, and you must claim some joy in yr life again.


Confide in a friend, and get the support you need. Please do not harm yourself. Believe in the power of your own life.


Live it.

My conclusion - Your husband is bad: SLAP him lah ..!!!!

Things to consider in BOLD TYPE


Hi: My family have been here for about 10 years. IS THIS RELEVANT? My husband has somehow changed in the past few years. WE ALL HAVE CHANGED Being a Caucasian here in Hong Kong, he receives more attention from girls, wherever we go. IS THIS STATEMENT RACIST? WHY SHOULD HE GET MORE ATTENTION BECAUSE HE IS A CAUCASIAN? He goes out at least twice a week to drink and gets home fairly late. MANY WOMEN DO AS DO MANY MEN, TWICE A WEEK IS NOT EXCESSIVE. He comments negatively on everything I do or say. IS IT REALLY EVERYTHNG? He doesn't even look at me whenever we go out. WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU ARE NOT OUT. He also shows no interest in sex at all. We haven't touched each other for over 7 months. HAVE YOU TRIED TOUCHING HIM? He makes me feel invisible and worthless around him. REPHRASE TO I CHOOSE TO FEEL WORTHLESS WHEN I AM AROUND HIM! He gives me no attention at all. ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION? Occasionally he will show a little friendliness when he's in a good mood. PERHAPS THERE IS SOMETHING THAT IS CAUSING HIM TO BE IN A BAD MOOD! Most of the time, he's just a perfect stranger who doesn't want to be bothered or talked to. HE COULD BE DEPRESSED. I don't know how to behave and what to say around him any more. SO DONT TRY. There is hardly any verbal communication or any sorts of connection between the two of us. IS THAT ALL HIS FAULT. I'm otherwise a self-confident and positive person with a likable personality and attractive appearance. BRING THIS TO HIS ATTENTION THROUGH TOUCHING HIM. Living in an environment like this is damaging my spirit deeply. I frequently have self-destructive thoughts. THINK CONSTRUCTIVE THOUGHTS. I feel dry and hollow inside. UNDERSTANDABLE. I've been thinking of leaving this dis-functio nal marriage. But we do have two young kids and I love them so deeply and will do anything to protect them from going through a divorce. What is it that I can do for myself? GO TO MARRIAGE GUIDANCE.


(I am based in Hong Kong)

Honestly don't care if I get bashed for mentioning it.


I firmly believe Jesus is your only answer to all this.


You openly asked for advice and this is the best I can give you.


I pray the God who gave you and your two precious children life give you peace and strength.


You deserve much better and so do your children.


There is a great book I would also recommend called : desperate marriages by Gary Chapman.


I am available if you want more help and support.


Peace and love.

I think hong kong and adultery are as commin as air....but not saying its all clean...esp the air

Whatever, if you would like to have a coffee break, just let me know. Would be more than happy to come. The world is big, don't stay in a corner.